Brother and Sister Dance

knottieffd308519aec5b27 · February 2019

Due to recent events, I have made the decision not to have my father walk me down the aisle or even attend my wedding. Instead, I am going to have my grandfather walk me down the aisle and have my brother dance with me for a brother and sister dance instead of the father daughter dance. Anyone have any good recommendations for songs that I could dance to with my brother?

ShesSoCold · February 2019

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

Due to recent events, I have made the decision not to have my father walk me down the aisle or even attend my wedding. Instead, I am going to have my grandfather walk me down the aisle and have my brother dance with me for a brother and sister dance instead of the father daughter dance. Anyone have any good recommendations for songs that I could dance to with my brother?

After all that with the suit?!

And wasn't Grandpa not going to be invited at all?!

Girl, you are all over the damned place.

knottieffd308519aec5b27 · February 2019

ShesSoCold said:

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

Due to recent events, I have made the decision not to have my father walk me down the aisle or even attend my wedding. Instead, I am going to have my grandfather walk me down the aisle and have my brother dance with me for a brother and sister dance instead of the father daughter dance. Anyone have any good recommendations for songs that I could dance to with my brother?

After all that with the suit?!

And wasn't Grandpa not going to be invited at all?!

Girl, you are all over the damned place.

I don't mean to be all of the place. My father did not even get his suit yet. I do have a very good reason not to want him at my wedding. My grandfather that would walk me down the aisle is not the same one who isn't invited to the wedding. My grandfather that would walk me down the aisle is actually my mother's stepfather, but he is closer to me than my grandfather that I didn't invite to the wedding. A lot has happened recently with my own father that I do not want him in attendance.

climbingsingle · February 2019

Why not just skip the dance then?

knottieffd308519aec5b27 · February 2019

climbingwife said:

Why not just skip the dance then?

My brother said he would love to dance with me. I just really wanted a few suggestions of songs.

ShesSoCold · February 2019

https://www.google.com/search?ei=l2ZYXK78KomvjwSZqqWICQ&q=songs+about+indecision&oq=songs+about+indecision&gs_l=psy-ab.3..0l2.37933.38303..38482...0.0..0.81.290.4......0....1..gws-wiz.......0i71j35i39.rTuwIZvV5PI

knottieffd308519aec5b27 · February 2019

ShesSoCold said:

https://www.google.com/search?ei=l2ZYXK78KomvjwSZqqWICQ&q=songs+about+indecision&oq=songs+about+indecision&gs_l=psy-ab.3..0l2.37933.38303..38482...0.0..0.81.290.4......0....1..gws-wiz.......0i71j35i39.rTuwIZvV5PI

That is not what I meant. I am very decisive about my decision not to have him in my wedding.

banana468 · February 2019

I can't keep up with all of this.

ShesSoCold · February 2019

I don't know why I'm trying anymore but here goes.

Having a spotlight dance with your brother, in the place of the father/daughter dance, will bring a lot of attention to the fact that your father isn't at the wedding (although I am willing to bet money that by the time this wedding finally rolls around, he'll be invited again and this will all be moot). Do you want everyone speculating and gossiping about what could have possible happened to cause your dad not to attend the wedding? I mean, I'm sure that will happen anyway, but I wouldn't be intentionally adding more attention to it.

knottieffd308519aec5b27 · February 2019

ShesSoCold said:

I don't know why I'm trying anymore but here goes.

Having a spotlight dance with your brother, in the place of the father/daughter dance, will bring a lot of attention to the fact that your father isn't at the wedding (although I am willing to bet money that by the time this wedding finally rolls around, he'll be invited again and this will all be moot). Do you want everyone speculating and gossiping about what could have possible happened to cause your dad not to attend the wedding? I mean, I'm sure that will happen anyway, but I wouldn't be intentionally adding more attention to it.

Trust me my opinion won't change. He has been cheating on my mother for months and it isn't the first to so nothing he does now will change my feelings because I will not accept someone who does this to my mother. The last time he cheated on her that we know of I was baby so I didn't have much say them, but I sure as hell do now. I will not have a person who can disrespect his marriage or my mother and family give me away to my husband.

You are right about people wondering why he isn't attending, but my side already knows and the only people on my fiance's side that has met my father is my MIL and BMIL. If they want to wonder why they can all they want. My BMIL's fiance also decided not to invite her father because they are estranged so I guess people will wonder at her wondering too.

climbingsingle · February 2019

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

ShesSoCold said:

I don't know why I'm trying anymore but here goes.

Having a spotlight dance with your brother, in the place of the father/daughter dance, will bring a lot of attention to the fact that your father isn't at the wedding (although I am willing to bet money that by the time this wedding finally rolls around, he'll be invited again and this will all be moot). Do you want everyone speculating and gossiping about what could have possible happened to cause your dad not to attend the wedding? I mean, I'm sure that will happen anyway, but I wouldn't be intentionally adding more attention to it.

Trust me my opinion won't change. He has been cheating on my mother for months and it isn't the first to so nothing he does now will change my feelings because I will not accept someone who does this to my mother. The last time he cheated on her that we know of I was baby so I didn't have much say them, but I sure as hell do now. I will not have a person who can disrespect his marriage or my mother and family give me away to my husband.

We're being trolled, right? There's no way all of this is real.

If we're not being trolled, this is my advice. Take yourself out of your parents' marriage. Banning your father from your wedding is something you'll end up regretting.

ShesSoCold · February 2019

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

climbingwife said:

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

ShesSoCold said:

I don't know why I'm trying anymore but here goes.

Having a spotlight dance with your brother, in the place of the father/daughter dance, will bring a lot of attention to the fact that your father isn't at the wedding (although I am willing to bet money that by the time this wedding finally rolls around, he'll be invited again and this will all be moot). Do you want everyone speculating and gossiping about what could have possible happened to cause your dad not to attend the wedding? I mean, I'm sure that will happen anyway, but I wouldn't be intentionally adding more attention to it.

Trust me my opinion won't change. He has been cheating on my mother for months and it isn't the first to so nothing he does now will change my feelings because I will not accept someone who does this to my mother. The last time he cheated on her that we know of I was baby so I didn't have much say them, but I sure as hell do now. I will not have a person who can disrespect his marriage or my mother and family give me away to my husband.

We're being trolled, right? There's no way all of this is real.

If we're not being trolled, this is my advice. Take yourself out of your parents' marriage. Banning your father from your wedding is something you'll end up regretting.

I wish this was made up, but he involved us by expecting us to take sides. I will not regret having a lying cheating person at my wedding. He is now telling us we wants us to accept this other woman and her children because he wants to marry her and raise her children. There is no way I will accept someone that he had an affair with. He has been texting my sister bashing her and blaming us for having to work so hard when we were growing up because according to him we are spoiled rich kids who made him work himself to death. Sorry about parents work to support their children like that's life. He is also saying horrible things about our mother to him. He is so disrespectful and hurtful. I have always been closer to my mother than my father. He can f-ck off because he is literally breaking her down and tearing our family apart.

The bolded is exactly what she was trying to tell you.

Based on your ranting, this is all very new and raw for everyone. And it's a terrible thing and I am sorry. I consider myself lucky to have been too young to recall the cheating issues and divorce of my own parents. I think you need to give this time. Your parents have recovered from an affair before, who knows, they might again. Or, if not, hopefully they'll be able to amicable soon. But this is the big storm right now, you don't know what's going to happen in the coming weeks and months.

Especially with wedding stuff, just relax and give it time. I don't think making huge grand decisions right now is the best idea.

knottieffd308519aec5b27 · February 2019

ShesSoCold said:

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

climbingwife said:

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

ShesSoCold said:

I don't know why I'm trying anymore but here goes.

Having a spotlight dance with your brother, in the place of the father/daughter dance, will bring a lot of attention to the fact that your father isn't at the wedding (although I am willing to bet money that by the time this wedding finally rolls around, he'll be invited again and this will all be moot). Do you want everyone speculating and gossiping about what could have possible happened to cause your dad not to attend the wedding? I mean, I'm sure that will happen anyway, but I wouldn't be intentionally adding more attention to it.

Trust me my opinion won't change. He has been cheating on my mother for months and it isn't the first to so nothing he does now will change my feelings because I will not accept someone who does this to my mother. The last time he cheated on her that we know of I was baby so I didn't have much say them, but I sure as hell do now. I will not have a person who can disrespect his marriage or my mother and family give me away to my husband.

We're being trolled, right? There's no way all of this is real.

If we're not being trolled, this is my advice. Take yourself out of your parents' marriage. Banning your father from your wedding is something you'll end up regretting.

I wish this was made up, but he involved us by expecting us to take sides. I will not regret having a lying cheating person at my wedding. He is now telling us we wants us to accept this other woman and her children because he wants to marry her and raise her children. There is no way I will accept someone that he had an affair with. He has been texting my sister bashing her and blaming us for having to work so hard when we were growing up because according to him we are spoiled rich kids who made him work himself to death. Sorry about parents work to support their children like that's life. He is also saying horrible things about our mother to him. He is so disrespectful and hurtful. I have always been closer to my mother than my father. He can f-ck off because he is literally breaking her down and tearing our family apart.

The bolded is exactly what she was trying to tell you.

Based on your ranting, this is all very new and raw for everyone. And it's a terrible thing and I am sorry. I consider myself lucky to have been too young to recall the cheating issues and divorce of my own parents. I think you need to give this time. Your parents have recovered from an affair before, who knows, they might again. Or, if not, hopefully they'll be able to amicable soon. But this is the big storm right now, you don't know what's going to happen in the coming weeks and months.

Especially with wedding stuff, just relax and give it time. I don't think making huge grand decisions right now is the best idea.

We shall see what happens. My father was supposed to be the best man in my brother's wedding which is the first week of April, but my brother doesn't even want him at the wedding anymore. He doesn't have as much time to see how things work out as I do.

climbingsingle · February 2019

Your wedding is in June, right? Why are you even deciding on this now?

knottieffd308519aec5b27 · February 2019

climbingwife said:

Your wedding is in June, right? Why are you even deciding on this now?

It is in July. I guess I am deciding this because my mother asked me if I still wanted my father to walk me down the aisle. Our officiant has also asked me who I plan on giving me away.

climbingsingle · February 2019

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

climbingwife said:

Your wedding is in June, right? Why are you even deciding on this now?

It is in July. I guess I am deciding this because my mother asked me if I still wanted my father to walk me down the aisle. Our officiant has also asked me who I plan on giving me away.

You don't need to decide on any of this right now. You have time.

knottieffd308519aec5b27 · February 2019

climbingwife said:

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

climbingwife said:

Your wedding is in June, right? Why are you even deciding on this now?

It is in July. I guess I am deciding this because my mother asked me if I still wanted my father to walk me down the aisle. Our officiant has also asked me who I plan on giving me away.

You don't need to decide on any of this right now. You have time.

Okay, but do you have any song suggestions for my brother and I to dance to?

MobKaz · February 2019

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

climbingwife said:

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

climbingwife said:

Your wedding is in June, right? Why are you even deciding on this now?

It is in July. I guess I am deciding this because my mother asked me if I still wanted my father to walk me down the aisle. Our officiant has also asked me who I plan on giving me away.

You don't need to decide on any of this right now. You have time.

Okay, but do you have any song suggestions for my brother and I to dance to? https://youtu.be/tD6KJ7QtQH8

MesmrEwe · February 2019

Things are raw right now, there are TONS of brides here whose parents are not together anymore because of similar situations, and chances are, they'd probably say "so glad they weren't married anymore" if asked and allowed to be candid about those situations that led to their divorce. Your parent's marriage and potential divorce can be made easier by one thing, you and your brother being the adults in the family. He did wrong, but you're giving him a life sentence already as-if this is entirely an unforgivable offense. IMO, walk yourself down the aisle, this business of "Bride/You as property to be given away", in most parts of the world, ended decades ago.

As for dance with your Brother... Get the party started "Celebration!"..

charlotte989875 · February 2019

Well what kind of music do you and your brother like?

LondonLisa · February 2019

You can dance with your brother without making everyone stare at you. Play a favourite song immediately after your first dance and dance with your brother. Why do you need to have everyone looking at you?

I really dislike the “tradition” of upwards of 17 spotlight dances. I understand the first dance for the couple, but every other dance can happen without making everyone stop in their tracks and look. It’s so awkward and uncomfortable.

Who is is walking you down the aisle can be decided 5 minutes before you walk down the aisle. No one needs to know now. Just make sure you are processing your feelings and not putting off your feelings. Getting professional help is always a good idea.

banana468 · February 2019

I've seen a couple where the father confessed to a decades long affair and ultimately the marriage ended, feelings were really hurt and now there are joint vacations.

Rather than stock up on lighter fuel to burn bridges focus on stuff that warrants attention.

You don't need to do any of this now. Song lists are a game time decision to do in the last month.

In the meantime I would focus attention on the stuff that's really needing it now and that's probably not the wedding.

ShesSoCold · February 2019

banana468 said:

I've seen a couple where the father confessed to a decades long affair and ultimately the marriage ended, feelings were really hurt and now there are joint vacations.

Rather than stock up on lighter fuel to burn bridges focus on stuff that warrants attention.

You don't need to do any of this now. Song lists are a game time decision to do in the last month.

In the meantime I would focus attention on the stuff that's really needing it now and that's probably not the wedding.

The bolded is pretty much my parents. Dad was probably never faithful at all but after their marriage ended, they were really good friends. When Dad was in the hospital, it was Mom who was there taking care of him.Thinking of it, I'm pretty sure she was his POA. He just referred to her as his best friend. If I would have had the destination wedding I'd planned, my mom, dad, stepdad, brother and sister would have all traveled together and even considered renting an RV together.

Is it weird that my mom included her cheating ex-husband in her obit and still considered him immediate family, as well as a friend? Sure. Are we the only family ever like this? Not even a little bit.

OP, you really don't know what your relationship with your dad will be down the road. But I hope you know that excluding your father from your wedding isn't something you can make up or give back to him. Ever. Of course he's a cheating asshole right now, but he's also your father, who did provide for you and I assume has a good quality or two. Give yourself and this situation some time.

climbingsingle · February 2019

ShesSoCold said:

banana468 said:

I've seen a couple where the father confessed to a decades long affair and ultimately the marriage ended, feelings were really hurt and now there are joint vacations.

Rather than stock up on lighter fuel to burn bridges focus on stuff that warrants attention.

You don't need to do any of this now. Song lists are a game time decision to do in the last month.

In the meantime I would focus attention on the stuff that's really needing it now and that's probably not the wedding.

The bolded is pretty much my parents. Dad was probably never faithful at all but after their marriage ended, they were really good friends. When Dad was in the hospital, it was Mom who was there taking care of him.Thinking of it, I'm pretty sure she was his POA. He just referred to her as his best friend. If I would have had the destination wedding I'd planned, my mom, dad, stepdad, brother and sister would have all traveled together and even considered renting an RV together.

Is it weird that my mom included her cheating ex-husband in her obit and still considered him immediate family, as well as a friend? Sure. Are we the only family ever like this? Not even a little bit.

OP, you really don't know what your relationship with your dad will be down the road. But I hope you know that excluding your father from your wedding isn't something you can make up or give back to him. Ever. Of course he's a cheating asshole right now, but he's also your father, who did provide for you and I assume has a good quality or two. Give yourself and this situation some time.

Yes, yes, yes, to all of this. My father was also unfaithful to my mother when I was in my early 20s. My first reaction was cut my dad out of my life, and take my mother's side. My therapist was actually the one that advised me to keep out of my parents' marriage, and to understand my father was a human that made a mistake. She also told me to take his cheating out of the equation - was he a good father to me?

My parents reconciled, and they're still married. They're celebrating 50 years of marriage next year, and we're all taking a trip to celebrate.

So, long story short, you don't know what the future holds. I was immature and irrational in my 20s, and I can see that now in my late 30s. I'm glad I did not cut my dad out of my life, even if my mother hadn't reconciled with him. And I can also say this as a wife that watched her husband lose his dad. You never know how much time you have left with someone. I'm sure you're angry and hurt now. Don't make permanent decisions based on on what could be temporary feelings.

maine7mob · February 2019

Skip the dance. A brother-sister dance in place of a father-daughter dance is weird. It will be awkward for your guests, and some might find it creepy.

short+sassy · February 2019

I'm not understanding why you would have a spotlight dance with your brother. TBH, it's a bit weird and unnecessary. It's fine if you don't want to have a father/daughter dance. Just don't have one. But it doesn't need to be "replaced" with something else. Most guests prefer fewer spotlight dances, not more.

Don't get me wrong. Dance with your brother at your wedding! Dance with your brother at his wedding. That's what celebrations are for. But it shouldn't be a spotlight dance.

With that said, pick a song together ahead of time. Like @LondonLisa suggested, maybe that's the first song the DJ plays when the dance floor is opened. Maybe pick something you both liked as kids or in high school. Sang off-key together.

knottieffd308519aec5b27 · February 2019

I would love to stay out of this, but both my parents have dragged all three of their children into this. My father is technically my step-father, but I have always considered him my father. He has cheated on my mother before, but that was 22 years ago and then he was texting some other woman last year. My parents renewed their vows last year after my mother found out he was inappropriately texting that woman. Now he turns around and gets involved again with someone else. He has always started bashing our mother to us. He is telling my sister that we are just spoiled children he was forced to work himself to death for so he could support us. Then he is telling my mother how he is leaving this woman because he wants another baby which was a slap in my mother's face because 10 years ago she had to have a hysterectomy because she had to have cancer and at that point my parents were trying to have another baby. My father was also an emotionally abusive alcoholic going up and he is the very reason I have never drank. I have lost all respect for him.

banana468 · February 2019

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

I would love to stay out of this, but both my parents have dragged all three of their children into this. My father is technically my step-father, but I have always considered him my father. He has cheated on my mother before, but that was 22 years ago and then he was texting some other woman last year. My parents renewed their vows last year after my mother found out he was inappropriately texting that woman. Now he turns around and gets involved again with someone else. He has always started bashing our mother to us. He is telling my sister that we are just spoiled children he was forced to work himself to death for so he could support us. Then he is telling my mother how he is leaving this woman because he wants another baby which was a slap in my mother's face because 10 years ago she had to have a hysterectomy because she had to have cancer and at that point my parents were trying to have another baby. My father was also an emotionally abusive alcoholic going up and he is the very reason I have never drank. I have lost all respect for him.

But stay out of the affair and don't let him drag you into their marriage. You can lose respect and stay out of this. It's as simple as saying, "I will not be party to this."

You are involving yourself and getting sucked into all of it all under the pretense of what you're dancing to with your brother.

charlotte989875 · February 2019

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

I would love to stay out of this, but both my parents have dragged all three of their children into this. My father is technically my step-father, but I have always considered him my father. He has cheated on my mother before, but that was 22 years ago and then he was texting some other woman last year. My parents renewed their vows last year after my mother found out he was inappropriately texting that woman. Now he turns around and gets involved again with someone else. He has always started bashing our mother to us. He is telling my sister that we are just spoiled children he was forced to work himself to death for so he could support us. Then he is telling my mother how he is leaving this woman because he wants another baby which was a slap in my mother's face because 10 years ago she had to have a hysterectomy because she had to have cancer and at that point my parents were trying to have another baby. My father was also an emotionally abusive alcoholic going up and he is the very reason I have never drank. I have lost all respect for him.

Okay. But just because they are telling you these things, doesn’t mean you actually need to get involved.

If you want to cut him out because of things he has done to you by all means that’s your choice. If he has been abusive, a bad parent, whatever then do what is right for you.

ShesSoCold · February 2019

knottieffd308519aec5b27 said:

I would love to stay out of this, but both my parents have dragged all three of their children into this. My father is technically my step-father, but I have always considered him my father. He has cheated on my mother before, but that was 22 years ago and then he was texting some other woman last year. My parents renewed their vows last year after my mother found out he was inappropriately texting that woman. Now he turns around and gets involved again with someone else. He has always started bashing our mother to us. He is telling my sister that we are just spoiled children he was forced to work himself to death for so he could support us. Then he is telling my mother how he is leaving this woman because he wants another baby which was a slap in my mother's face because 10 years ago she had to have a hysterectomy because she had to have cancer and at that point my parents were trying to have another baby. My father was also an emotionally abusive alcoholic going up and he is the very reason I have never drank. I have lost all respect for him.

Okay, so, last week, none of the bolded mattered to you. Remember that.

You're gunna do what you want and I know you're gunna act like all of this is out of your control, but don't engage. Don't let your parents shit talk each other to you. Tell your siblings that you're not willing to listen to whatever is being said to them.

You should have learned by now that the "Well I heard from X who talked to Y who said that Z said this about A" doesn't work and causes a mess. This goes for both inviting spouses to weddings to family drama.

I know you are involved as these are your parents, but this isn't your marriage. You need to distance yourself from this.

ETA: I wanted to say again that I’m sorry this is happening. I honestly can’t imagine what you might be feeling and I’d probably be wanting to write him off too. But as an uninvolved third party, I can look at it practically and urge you not to make rash decisions about your wedding. This is a (hopefully) once in a lifetime opportunity for a father.

I also want to kinda high five you for coming back. We haven’t been exactly friendly and you haven’t flipped out a whole lot or deleted posts and ranted about how bad you feel for our husbands.

Jen4948 · February 2019

To be honest, when it isn't possible, practical or desirable to do a parent-child dance at one's wedding, I wouldn't do it with a "substitute."

Guests should understand about "first dances" for the couple and parent-child dances, but a principal doing one with a ''substitute" can make the substituting dance partner not feel appreciated in his/her own right. And it irritates guests because it keeps them off the dance floor and forces them to pay attention to a performance between a principal and a stand-in. Just skip it altogether. That's really more understandable than a spotlight dance with your brother for the sake of a spotlight dance.

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