Unfair Bride is Driving Me Crazy!

knottie73628 · February 2019

I am the MOH for my best friend's wedding and I love her so much! But she is demanding so much from all her bridesmaids financially. More than half of her bridesmaids are from out of town and have to fly across the country to attend any event. We already went to see her to pick out dresses. Her wedding is during the most expensive month and flying with all of our significant others costs around $1200 per couple. She also never let me plan or have a say in the bachelorette party because she decided what she wanted and that was it and booked it all, even though none of us can afford it or take all that time off work (she wants it to be 5 days long at Disneyland and Vegas) and said who ever can make it can come and who ever can't will miss it. Her mom took over the bridal shower and never asked for our opinions or anything and now that no one can attend and she is upset. I did all the math and I've told her the prices are upwards of around $2000 for us all to attend every event and we are all in our early 20's and can't afford it all, but she just says that we've had time save up and knew this is what came with being in the bridal party when we agreed. She is now mad at me for giving her a reality check that it's not going to happen and she is not going to have everyone at all the events, besides the wedding. What do I do????

ShesSoCold · February 2019

alliecat3996 said:

I am the MOH for my best friend's wedding and I love her so much! But she is demanding so much from all her bridesmaids financially. More than half of her bridesmaids are from out of town and have to fly across the country to attend any event. We already went to see her to pick out dresses. Her wedding is during the most expensive month and flying with all of our significant others costs around $1200 per couple. She also never let me plan or have a say in the bachelorette party because she decided what she wanted and that was it and booked it all, even though none of us can afford it or take all that time off work (she wants it to be 5 days long at Disneyland and Vegas) and said who ever can make it can come and who ever can't will miss it. Her mom took over the bridal shower and never asked for our opinions or anything and now that no one can attend and she is upset. I did all the math and I've told her the prices are upwards of around $2000 for us all to attend every event and we are all in our early 20's and can't afford it all, but she just says that we've had time save up and knew this is what came with being in the bridal party when we agreed. She is now mad at me for giving her a reality check that it's not going to happen and she is not going to have everyone at all the events, besides the wedding. What do I do????

Run. Get out of this wedding now.

Seriously, if you've tried to talk to her about her crazy demands already and she didn't get it, she isn't going to.

Save yourself. Godspeed.

knottie73628 · February 2019

She's basically told me I'm not holding up my end of agreeing to be her MOH because I can't afford it all and I knew what I was getting myself into. All the other bridesmaids have come to me saying that they don't have the money and don't have the time to take off of work to attend everything too but she thinks we don't care about her if we don't do it all.

ShesSoCold · February 2019

alliecat3996 said:

She's basically told me I'm not holding up my end of agreeing to be her MOH because I can't afford it all and I knew what I was getting myself into. All the other bridesmaids have come to me saying that they don't have the money and don't have the time to take off of work to attend everything too but she thinks we don't care about her if we don't do it all.

Agreement, ey? So, there was an employment contract written up? She should talk to her lawyer, then.

You're totally right that you should not have to pay for all this nonsense. Asking someone to be a bridesmaid is to honor THEM, not spend the next year shitting on them and spending their money.

Maybe you getting out will open her eyes or give the other bridesmaids courage to say the same thing to her. But regardless, if you don't want to be a broke-ass doormat, I'd step down from this wedding yesterday.

LondonLisa · February 2019

alliecat3996 said:

She's basically told me I'm not holding up my end of agreeing to be her MOH because I can't afford it all and I knew what I was getting myself into. All the other bridesmaids have come to me saying that they don't have the money and don't have the time to take off of work to attend everything too but she thinks we don't care about her if we don't do it all.

Just say: "We can't make money out of no where. If you want us there we need to have some more budget friendly options. Otherwise, we will be toasting you from home as we simply cannot afford to spend thousands on this wedding. You are important to me, and I value this friendship, but it seems like we have very different expectations. I can spend X, Y and Z on your wedding. I am going to have to decline anything else. "

Just know this: If she is anything less than apologetic, she is a jerk. If she tries to "demote" you or kick you out of the wedding, she is ending the friendship. Seriously, kicking someone out of your wedding party is a relationship-ending move.

You need to not fall for her guilt trips.

drunkenwitch · February 2019

You say no. You keep saying no. She can't force you to do anything you don't want to do. You tell her what you can afford and what you can commit to and if she goes Veruca Salt on you then you drop out of the wedding. You will be probably start a trend.

Honestly, if she keeps this up she won't have any friends left after this shit show wedding.

banana468 · February 2019

alliecat3996 said:

She's basically told me I'm not holding up my end of agreeing to be her MOH because I can't afford it all and I knew what I was getting myself into. All the other bridesmaids have come to me saying that they don't have the money and don't have the time to take off of work to attend everything too but she thinks we don't care about her if we don't do it all.

Ditto @LondonLisa. I'd reiterate to her, "I can afford to do X, Y, and Z. Anything more than that is outside my budget. I wish you asked me what my budget was before you spent money that I didn't have."

She's suffering from Bridal Blindness. Just continue to handle things as facts without feelings.

-Nope, you have neither the finances nor the vacation time for that bachelorette.
-Nope, you are unable to spend more than X on a dress, Y on a shower or gift and Z on anything else.

Should insinuations get made, I'd turn the tables, "Surely as my dearest friend you don't want me going into debt for you. And SURELY you want your closest friends to be financially solvent when your wedding is over. I must be hearing things incorrectly if my dearest friend was asking me to spend money outside of my budget all under some premise that spending more somehow makes for better friends."

Also, my money is on the friendship ending.

knottie73628 · February 2019

The bachelorette party upset everybody because she is the only one with a Disney pass and everyone else has to pay to get into the parks for 2 days during the summer and then pay for Vegas on top of it. But she said she's going no matter what and whoever comes can come and if you say you can't make it, she gets mad. One of our bridesmaids has a wedding during that weekend and the bride is mad that the bridesmaid is going to the wedding instead of her bachelorette party.

ei34 · February 2019

alliecat3996 said:

The bachelorette party upset everybody because she is the only one with a Disney pass and everyone else has to pay to get into the parks for 2 days during the summer and then pay for Vegas on top of it. But she said she's going no matter what and whoever comes can come and if you say you can't make it, she gets mad. One of our bridesmaids has a wedding during that weekend and the bride is mad that the bridesmaid is going to the wedding instead of her bachelorette party.

In a perfect world your friend would get the reality check she deserves and no one would attend the bachelorette. She’s out of her mind. Send her here to ask us questions!

Ditto PP wording “I can afford to spend $__ on your wedding, let me know if you’d like that put towards attending the BP or the wedding itself”. Good luck!!

banana468 · February 2019

alliecat3996 said:

The bachelorette party upset everybody because she is the only one with a Disney pass and everyone else has to pay to get into the parks for 2 days during the summer and then pay for Vegas on top of it. But she said she's going no matter what and whoever comes can come and if you say you can't make it, she gets mad. One of our bridesmaids has a wedding during that weekend and the bride is mad that the bridesmaid is going to the wedding instead of her bachelorette party.

The thing is that if the entire group is telling her no she's going to have to deal with it.

"The last thing I want to do is see you sad. But I do hope that you're not asking me to spend money that *I* don't have."

Bottom line: You're not going to change how she feels. But you can control your finances, your choices and whether or not you even want to engage in this.

Jen4948 · February 2019

Drop out. This bridezilla clearly doesn't care about you. As far as she's concerned, you're just a prop for her oversized ego.

LondonLisa · February 2019

alliecat3996 said:

The bachelorette party upset everybody because she is the only one with a Disney pass and everyone else has to pay to get into the parks for 2 days during the summer and then pay for Vegas on top of it. But she said she's going no matter what and whoever comes can come and if you say you can't make it, she gets mad. One of our bridesmaids has a wedding during that weekend and the bride is mad that the bridesmaid is going to the wedding instead of her bachelorette party.

So let her be mad. You can either tell her you can't afford it and wish her well, or validate and enable this behaviour.

OliveOilsMom · February 2019

Outside of this wedding nonsense, what do you get out of the friendship? Honest question. Some posts on here provide redeeming qualities for the bride, but I'm not seeing any with yours.

I also think you need to cut and run. "Friend, I'm not sure I can live up to your expectations of being MOH. After careful consideration, I have decided to step down as MOH. I will of course be at your wedding, but I think it would be best if its just as a guest and not MOH." Then gauge her reaction. If she were a true friend, she would say she is hurt but understand and is still happy you can attend the wedding.

kerbohl · February 2019

My friend had a destination wedding, and I couldn't afford the time off nor the money. I was MOH and I had to step down. Did it suck - yeah, it did. But my friend was understanding that money was important and she didn't want me going into debt. If your friend is truly a friend, she will recognize that her dream to do all this isn't something that everyone can do, and it doesn't mean that they don't love her any less just because they don't have the funds. Because honestly, she sounds like she is getting mad at you all because you aren't rich enough to afford all this. That's a dangerous criteria for friendship.

banana468 · February 2019

kerbohl said:

My friend had a destination wedding, and I couldn't afford the time off nor the money. I was MOH and I had to step down. Did it suck - yeah, it did. But my friend was understanding that money was important and she didn't want me going into debt. If your friend is truly a friend, she will recognize that her dream to do all this isn't something that everyone can do, and it doesn't mean that they don't love her any less just because they don't have the funds. Because honestly, she sounds like she is getting mad at you all because you aren't rich enough to afford all this. That's a dangerous criteria for friendship.

Exactly. It sounds like she's upset that she has to face the reality that she's actually NOT the biggest priority in her friends' lives. And she SHOULDN'T BE.

But if she's surrounded by a lot of people who have never said no to her then maybe she's not understanding that concept.

It doesn't mean that you have to bend to her. It just means you get to decide if you think a conversation is worth it.

short+sassy · February 2019

alliecat3996 said:

She's basically told me I'm not holding up my end of agreeing to be her MOH because I can't afford it all and I knew what I was getting myself into. All the other bridesmaids have come to me saying that they don't have the money and don't have the time to take off of work to attend everything too but she thinks we don't care about her if we don't do it all.

Agree with the other PPs! Your friend is being completely outrageous and not much of a friend.

With just a touch of sarcasm, I would have responded, "Actually no. I didn't realize being your MOH came at a cost of $XX,XXX for multiple flights and trips. Since I'm not living up to your expectations, nor will I be, I think it's best if I step down and attend as a guest."

OMG and the "classic" argument of "people had time and should have saved up." I wonder how easy it is for her to save up thousands in a years time. Not to mention, I could have $1M in the bank. I still wouldn't want to spend 5 days of my life on someone's dictated combo trip to Disneyland/Vegas, lol.

kerbohl · February 2019

short+sassy said:

alliecat3996 said:

She's basically told me I'm not holding up my end of agreeing to be her MOH because I can't afford it all and I knew what I was getting myself into. All the other bridesmaids have come to me saying that they don't have the money and don't have the time to take off of work to attend everything too but she thinks we don't care about her if we don't do it all.

Agree with the other PPs! Your friend is being completely outrageous and not much of a friend.
With just a touch of sarcasm, I would have responded, "Actually no. I didn't realize being your MOH came at a cost of $XX,XXX for multiple flights and trips. Since I'm not living up to your expectations, nor will I be, I think it's best if I step down and attend as a guest."
OMG and the "classic" argument of "people had time and should have saved up." I wonder how easy it is for her to save up thousands in a years time. Not to mention, I could have $1M in the bank. I still wouldn't want to spend 5 days of my life on someone's dictated combo trip to Disneyland/Vegas, lol.

Right?! Not everyone has a positive view of those two places. Expect that some people could go but just don't want to, not because of the bride but because for them it is a waste of money.

It just sounds like this bride is reading into people's decisions that they don't like her, but there's a myriad of reasons that people might not show up to a bachelorette or bridal shower.

short+sassy · February 2019

kerbohl said:

short+sassy said:

alliecat3996 said:

She's basically told me I'm not holding up my end of agreeing to be her MOH because I can't afford it all and I knew what I was getting myself into. All the other bridesmaids have come to me saying that they don't have the money and don't have the time to take off of work to attend everything too but she thinks we don't care about her if we don't do it all.

Agree with the other PPs! Your friend is being completely outrageous and not much of a friend.
With just a touch of sarcasm, I would have responded, "Actually no. I didn't realize being your MOH came at a cost of $XX,XXX for multiple flights and trips. Since I'm not living up to your expectations, nor will I be, I think it's best if I step down and attend as a guest."
OMG and the "classic" argument of "people had time and should have saved up." I wonder how easy it is for her to save up thousands in a years time. Not to mention, I could have $1M in the bank. I still wouldn't want to spend 5 days of my life on someone's dictated combo trip to Disneyland/Vegas, lol.

Right?! Not everyone has a positive view of those two places. Expect that some people could go but just don't want to, not because of the bride but because for them it is a waste of money.
It just sounds like this bride is reading into people's decisions that they don't like her, but there's a myriad of reasons that people might not show up to a bachelorette or bridal shower.

Not to mention, Disneyland and Vegas aren't exactly next to each other, lol.

I'm picturing the people who have to travel are having to fly to CA. Then, in only 5 days time, also fly to Vegas or spend about 5 hours driving there. It's not just one destination bachelorette party, it's two! Talk about extreme, yeesh.

downtondiva · February 2019

alliecat3996 said:

She's basically told me I'm not holding up my end of agreeing to be her MOH because I can't afford it all and I knew what I was getting myself into. All the other bridesmaids have come to me saying that they don't have the money and don't have the time to take off of work to attend everything too but she thinks we don't care about her if we don't do it all.

Oh hell no. Agreeing to be someone's MOH is not an agreement to bankrupt yourself! Anyone who uses how much money you spend on them as a gauge of how good a friend you are is not a good friend themselves.

Tell the bride directly and firmly that you cannot afford what she wants from you, and that if she doesn't adjust her expectations you will need to step down from being a bridesmaid. Her reaction will tell you if this is a friendship worth continuing.

drunkenwitch · February 2019

I've been pondering this post off and on today and remembering past weddings I have been in when I was in my early and mid twenties. I look back and think "why did I agree to that?" "why didn't I just say no" "Why did I put up with that bullshit?" Because I has swallowed the bullshit line that once you are in a wedding you can't ever say no to the bride. You have to say yes to do everything she wants and you have to spend whatever amount she demands. Plan any party she wants. Do whatever wedding task she assigns. At that time in my life I wish someone had given me permission to say no. No. I won't do that. No I won't spend that. No. No. No.

OP, here and I now I (and I am willing to bet a lot of other posters on this board) give you official permission to say NO. I give you permission to drop out if this bride goes full zilla nation. I give you permission to pull back from this friendship and put yourself first.

MesmrEwe · February 2019

After re-reading your OP... The first thing you do is stop feeling guilty for standing up for yourself and your finances AND the other members of the BP!!!! This also sounds like a "Like Mother like Daughter" situation in how the MOB has handled these things and she may be steamed that MOB did all that without consulting anyone else and you're just the needless "victim" of her rage...

Echoing what the PP have said, it is hard, but it is necessary to have a CTJ in the grand total she's asking you to spend to be a MOH. This is upwards of $12K, people have full weddings with lots of people attending fully hosted for $12k, that's not "part of the deal!" of being a BM nor MOH. That, and you need to start looking at cheaper airports/airlines and the like when it comes to traveling (Airfare is notoriously more expensive booking too far in advance - js)... Or things like meeting for say just the Vegas wing of her trip as flying into Vegas is traditionally cheaper..

But really, if you can't afford something, it means you can't afford it, you have to lay your line and lay it deep that you will not cross it.

OurWildKingdom · February 2019

alliecat3996 said:

I am the MOH for my best friend's wedding and I love her so much! But she is demanding so much from all her bridesmaids financially. More than half of her bridesmaids are from out of town and have to fly across the country to attend any event. We already went to see her to pick out dresses. Her wedding is during the most expensive month and flying with all of our significant others costs around $1200 per couple. She also never let me plan or have a say in the bachelorette party because she decided what she wanted and that was it and booked it all, even though none of us can afford it or take all that time off work (she wants it to be 5 days long at Disneyland and Vegas) and said who ever can make it can come and who ever can't will miss it. Her mom took over the bridal shower and never asked for our opinions or anything and now that no one can attend and she is upset. I did all the math and I've told her the prices are upwards of around $2000 for us all to attend every event and we are all in our early 20's and can't afford it all, but she just says that we've had time save up and knew this is what came with being in the bridal party when we agreed. She is now mad at me for giving her a reality check that it's not going to happen and she is not going to have everyone at all the events, besides the wedding. What do I do????

Holy Toledo, I didn’t spend $2,000 on my whole wedding!

Bride is at best clueless, if not outright selfish. You’re right to stand up for yourself and your finances. PPs have given you some good ideas for what to say. You’ve got this.

missJeanLouise · February 2019

Just say No.
my guess is that Bride is also in her early 20s and has been brainwashed by the wedding industry into what a wedding is “supposed” to be.
I would decline anything that was difficult to go to and try to plan some time with the bride in the days before the wedding if I was going to be in town then, maybe with the other bridesmaids who couldn’t attend the OOT events.

knottie73628 · February 2019

Thank you for your input everyone! We have told her that it is not possible for us to attend it all, and while she is disappointed we cannot do anything about it. Either she wants us there as her bridal party not broke and happy or she wants us as guests with no one standing by her side.

NowIAmSyp · February 2019

alliecat3996 said:

Thank you for your input everyone! We have told her that it is not possible for us to attend it all, and while she is disappointed we cannot do anything about it. Either she wants us there as her bridal party not broke and happy or she wants us as guests with no one standing by her side.

Good for you! Keep us posted- I hope it all smooths out from here!

Ro041 · February 2019

WOW - I am shocked she took the news ok. Good for you for standing up for yourselves. Hopefully she comes to her senses and decides that her friends are more important than a trip to Vegas/Disneyland.

Unfair Bride is Driving Me Crazy!

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