Hubby lied about stripper @ Bach party

charlotte989875 · June 2019

banana468 said:

If I lived in a sexless marriage I'd be hungover every weekend too.

I get what you mean here but also some people choose this and that is okay. Sex doesn’t always or ever have to be on the table for people, as long as everyone in the relationship agrees to that.

hmphaseisover · June 2019

@banana468 it’s just hard to have sex with someone that you can’t full trust and give yourself to.

LondonLisa · June 2019

It seems you two have wildly different expectations, values and priorities. Why did you get married in the first place?

It it doesn’t matter if we think he is the problem or you are, you are both are the problem for the other. That’s what happens when you are not compatible. If you need someone to ask permission to go out, not touch another person, and allow you to dictate the schedule, your husband is not that man.

charlotte989875 · June 2019

VarunaTT said:

charlotte989875 said:

VarunaTT said:

I'm trying not to jump up and down on you here;

"allowing him to go spend time with his friends" -- hard no. He's an adult, you each have time for yourselves and you have time together. You do not allow another adult to do a damn thing.

"little too interested in partying -- depends on friends if I"m a priority" -- okay, you knew this going in. So, this is on you, TBH. So, you're either going to accept him for who he is right now or you're not. And it's really okay if you're not interested in that, but y'all will either find a compromise for it or you'll divorce over it.

B/c again, you do not have the right to "allow" your husband to do or not do anything. And, TBH, that's why he's lying. You are both wrong in some things, which is why I keep saying more counseling and I absolutely agree with @banana468 saying you're looking to load up with people who agree with you to knock him down.

I’m with you up to this part. He’s lying because he’s choosing to lie. Not because of what she does, or doesn’t, do.

No one allows me to do anything in my marriage, and I don’t allow my husband either because that’s not how things work in our world. I do agree that this idea that you have to “allow” your spouse to do things can lead to some major problems. But again his choice to lie is exactly that, he choice. She didn’t force or cause him to do it.

I agree with you. The lying is not her fault, at all. It's absolutely his choice to be doing that.

And I'm not quite sure how to frame this: so while she's not responsible for his actions, they are both responsible for the situation? Does that make sense? And neither are owning up to creating the situation and their behaviors into and out of the situation. Rinse, repeat for situation (and it's a pattern, I'm sure it's not just applicable to stripper parties).

Yeah I totally get what you’re saying; there are two people that contribute to how things happen in any relationship. And while his lying is all on him it does sound like there are things they both are doing that are contributing to how things are.

VarunaTT · June 2019

hmphaseisover said:

I don’t think I need anymore feed back. I think I’m realizing that I held on and held on and this is the “straw the broke the camels back”

mrsconn23 · June 2019

LondonLisa said:

It seems you two have wildly different expectations, values and priorities. Why did you get married in the first place?

It it doesn’t matter if we think he is the problem or you are, you are both are the problem for the other. That’s what happens when you are not compatible. If you need someone to ask permission to go out, not touch another person, and allow you to dictate the schedule, your husband is not that man.

This is exactly where my brain is at. What was/is good?

And I know when things are bad, it's hard to think/talk about the good stuff...but there seems be vastly different ideas of how this all should work.

banana468 · June 2019

mrsconn23 said:

LondonLisa said:

It seems you two have wildly different expectations, values and priorities. Why did you get married in the first place?

It it doesn’t matter if we think he is the problem or you are, you are both are the problem for the other. That’s what happens when you are not compatible. If you need someone to ask permission to go out, not touch another person, and allow you to dictate the schedule, your husband is not that man.

This is exactly where my brain is at. What was/is good?

And I know when things are bad, it's hard to think/talk about the good stuff...but there seems be vastly different ideas of how this all should work.

And where did these ideas come from? I get an impression that there wasn't a lot of dialogue before the marriage about HOW the marriage would work but maybe I'm wrong.

On the sex situation, yes, if you can't give yourself fully to your H then it won't work. But do you WANT to? Nothing you've posted about any of this tells me that you want your marriage to work. Everything that I'm reading and inferring is that in the narrative in your head, you think that your marriage is failing, your H is to blame and you are not.

That's not how this works.

BTW, I know a couple who are coming up on nearly 50 years of marriage and who had a period where one member was truly unfaithful and had an affair within the first few years. They worked through it. Do you want to? I don't think you do.

charlotte989875 · June 2019

banana468 said:

mrsconn23 said:

LondonLisa said:

It seems you two have wildly different expectations, values and priorities. Why did you get married in the first place?

It it doesn’t matter if we think he is the problem or you are, you are both are the problem for the other. That’s what happens when you are not compatible. If you need someone to ask permission to go out, not touch another person, and allow you to dictate the schedule, your husband is not that man.

This is exactly where my brain is at. What was/is good?

And I know when things are bad, it's hard to think/talk about the good stuff...but there seems be vastly different ideas of how this all should work.

And where did these ideas come from? I get an impression that there wasn't a lot of dialogue before the marriage about HOW the marriage would work but maybe I'm wrong.

On the sex situation, yes, if you can't give yourself fully to your H then it won't work. But do you WANT to? Nothing you've posted about any of this tells me that you want your marriage to work. Everything that I'm reading and inferring is that in the narrative in your head, you think that your marriage is failing, your H is to blame and you are not.

That's not how this works.

BTW, I know a couple who are coming up on nearly 50 years of marriage and who had a period where one member was truly unfaithful and had an affair within the first few years. They worked through it. Do you want to? I don't think you do.

And just to add; not wanting to is totally okay! There is nothing wrong with leaving a relationship, even a marriage, that you are not happy and satisfied in.

There is also nothing wrong with staying, working things out, but it being really damn hard as well.

Both are equally valid choices. But they are choices and not just the end result of one persons behavior.

banana468 · June 2019

charlotte989875 said:

banana468 said:

mrsconn23 said:

LondonLisa said:

It seems you two have wildly different expectations, values and priorities. Why did you get married in the first place?

It it doesn’t matter if we think he is the problem or you are, you are both are the problem for the other. That’s what happens when you are not compatible. If you need someone to ask permission to go out, not touch another person, and allow you to dictate the schedule, your husband is not that man.

This is exactly where my brain is at. What was/is good?

And I know when things are bad, it's hard to think/talk about the good stuff...but there seems be vastly different ideas of how this all should work.

And where did these ideas come from? I get an impression that there wasn't a lot of dialogue before the marriage about HOW the marriage would work but maybe I'm wrong.

On the sex situation, yes, if you can't give yourself fully to your H then it won't work. But do you WANT to? Nothing you've posted about any of this tells me that you want your marriage to work. Everything that I'm reading and inferring is that in the narrative in your head, you think that your marriage is failing, your H is to blame and you are not.

That's not how this works.

BTW, I know a couple who are coming up on nearly 50 years of marriage and who had a period where one member was truly unfaithful and had an affair within the first few years. They worked through it. Do you want to? I don't think you do.

And just to add; not wanting to is totally okay! There is nothing wrong with leaving a relationship, even a marriage, that you are not happy and satisfied in.

There is also nothing wrong with staying, working things out, but it being really damn hard as well.

Both are equally valid choices. But they are choices and not just the end result of one persons behavior.

Good point. It's OK to not want to continue to be married.

In all of that though, know that you can *think* that you're somehow in the clear here but you're a participant in making the marriage the way that it is.

OliveOilsMom · June 2019

I just wish Kristen#s was still here to recommend sitting down with your pastor over this issue!

MesmrEwe · June 2019

OP - if you're asking for a bunch of internet strangers to tell you "That's grounds for divorce" ain't going to happen, that's only something you can answer for yourself in the presence of the real world. It's a stripper at a bachelor party, it's not he ran off to Reno and lost his virginity at a legal establishment discussion. That said, if it's your dealbreaker "straw that broke the camel's back", talk to your H and set rules of engagement that you want out, and no attorneys nor arguments over stuff, after you've both decided who gets what, have the draft made and submitted to court, and by all means, don't argue about STUFF because remember attorneys are paid by the hour, which can replace a lot of stuff instead. The marriage wasn't worthy of you to argue over saving, the stuff certainly isn't. Buyer's remorse happens, you realized some things about yourself and your values/beliefs. Make the split if you want to, no ill will to your H is an adult decision, take responsibility for your part, no arguments over stuff, do what friends of mine did and their entire divorce was covered in one legal size piece of paper.

MyNameIsNot · June 2019

MesmrEwe said:

OP - if you're asking for a bunch of internet strangers to tell you "That's grounds for divorce" ain't going to happen, that's only something you can answer for yourself in the presence of the real world. It's a stripper at a bachelor party, it's not he ran off to Reno and lost his virginity at a legal establishment discussion. That said, if it's your dealbreaker "straw that broke the camel's back", talk to your H and set rules of engagement that you want out, and no attorneys nor arguments over stuff, after you've both decided who gets what, have the draft made and submitted to court, and by all means, don't argue about STUFF because remember attorneys are paid by the hour, which can replace a lot of stuff instead. The marriage wasn't worthy of you to argue over saving, the stuff certainly isn't. Buyer's remorse happens, you realized some things about yourself and your values/beliefs. Make the split if you want to, no ill will to your H is an adult decision, take responsibility for your part, no arguments over stuff, do what friends of mine did and their entire divorce was covered in one legal size piece of paper.

This is a really, really bad idea. Divorcing, especially with a child (even if it isn't a joint child) opens you up to a lot of legal responsibilities and rights that you may not understand. Without advice of an attorney, you may not understand everything that is up for consideration and you may put yourself in a situation where you have to spend more money, time and headache going back to court down the road to fix it, or you may just screw yourself.

Sure, it's good to try to work out a division of assets/debts amicably, but that isn't always possible and it isn't always in your best interest. It is well worth it to spend the money to get a consult immediately and then hire someone to do your divorce for you, even if you can do it uncontested. This guy has a habit of lying. No way I would trust him to be forthcoming about financials in a divorce.

ETA: OP and her H are incapable of setting mutual rules of engagement with strippers and parties. They're not at all equipped to set rules of engagement for a divorce.

MesmrEwe · June 2019

MyNameIsNot said:

MesmrEwe said:

OP - if you're asking for a bunch of internet strangers to tell you "That's grounds for divorce" ain't going to happen, that's only something you can answer for yourself in the presence of the real world. It's a stripper at a bachelor party, it's not he ran off to Reno and lost his virginity at a legal establishment discussion. That said, if it's your dealbreaker "straw that broke the camel's back", talk to your H and set rules of engagement that you want out, and no attorneys nor arguments over stuff, after you've both decided who gets what, have the draft made and submitted to court, and by all means, don't argue about STUFF because remember attorneys are paid by the hour, which can replace a lot of stuff instead. The marriage wasn't worthy of you to argue over saving, the stuff certainly isn't. Buyer's remorse happens, you realized some things about yourself and your values/beliefs. Make the split if you want to, no ill will to your H is an adult decision, take responsibility for your part, no arguments over stuff, do what friends of mine did and their entire divorce was covered in one legal size piece of paper.

This is a really, really bad idea. Divorcing, especially with a child (even if it isn't a joint child) opens you up to a lot of legal responsibilities and rights that you may not understand. Without advice of an attorney, you may not understand everything that is up for consideration and you may put yourself in a situation where you have to spend more money, time and headache going back to court down the road to fix it, or you may just screw yourself.

Sure, it's good to try to work out a division of assets/debts amicably, but that isn't always possible and it isn't always in your best interest. It is well worth it to spend the money to get a consult immediately and then hire someone to do your divorce for you, even if you can do it uncontested. This guy has a habit of lying. No way I would trust him to be forthcoming about financials in a divorce.

ETA: OP and her H are incapable of setting mutual rules of engagement with strippers and parties. They're not at all equipped to set rules of engagement for a divorce.

Good point! OP - Hire a team of attorneys!

Hubby lied about stripper @ Bach party

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