Pot or parenting?
Dear Prudence,
When my wife and I first got together over four years ago, one of the things that we bonded over was our mutual enjoyment of pot. We were daily smokers, and I always thought of this shared interest as being a foundational part of our relationship. She began having some mental health issues and decided to stop smoking altogether. I had no interest in stopping, so I continued, but would just do it in the backyard at the end of the day. She was fine with this. When we started talking about having kids, she told me she did not think that pot had a place in the parenting of young children and that she would like me to cut back significantly when we became parents. Her ideal was none at all, but she agreed that it could be more like drinking alcohol—occasionally, not to excess, and not around the kids when they’re very small.
Now my wife is pregnant, and she wants me to quit smoking pot yesterday. She constantly brings up that I agreed to stop smoking when we became parents and that I’d better start cutting back now that she’s pregnant so that I won’t have to go cold turkey once the baby is born. I still don’t want to quit. It enriches my life, it makes me more even-keeled and laid-back (I used to be quite anxious and prone to anger before I started smoking), and I don’t see how these qualities could be bad for raising a child. I wouldn’t ever smoke around the kid, but she’s acting like taking pot every day is equivalent to parenting as an active alcoholic. I just don’t see it this way. Can I parent while also smoking pot?
Re: Pot or parenting?
This guy sounds like someone who needs a real therapist. If you were prone to anger and have smoked pot daily for over half a decade and you're using this drug as your therapy then IMO it's as misplaced as using food for comfort but WORSE.
This sounds like a relationship with poor communication and a guy who refuses to grow up.
Now one hit before bed is significantly different than an entire bowl when you get home from work. But I’m just guessing we’re not talking about the former.
Personally, I think an alcohol addiction is worse than a pot addiction. And I'd have no issue with what he is doing if it was just him and his wife.
But she's pregnant. So cut way back on the smoke around her, ffs. It doesn't matter if you just smoke outside and she stays inside. She's still being exposed when he walks back in.
She's also right that cutting back now will help him get into those habits for when there is baby/small kids around.
And PPs make a great point he WON'T have time to be lazing around outside. Babies/kids need a lot of time and also add a lot more housework.
I think the wife is spot-on with the other part of it being similar to alcohol. It's okay on occasion (like the weekend) and not to excess.
Also this couple needs to discuss things and she can't expect him to drop it like yesterday. Habits aren't easy to break, but he could say he'll cut down to quit.
As a side note, M smokes. Not a whole lot, and always way after BabyKitten and I go to bed. If there is question on something {low grade temp, etc} then he will refrain as a precaution.
He legit has maybe 3 puffs of a joint? He has issues sleeping and finds it helps quiet his brain ... but we are also in the midst of discussing him even cutting that down.
I don’t expect that he’ll stop when we have a kid and I don’t think he would need to. He would never do it around me while pregnant or around a baby. He’s never unsafe (neither am I) and that wouldn’t change.
But it doesn’t sound like it’s whether or not he smokes but the how much/when/where he’s doing it and it sounds like he’s not willing to compromise.
I do think you can parent while taking pot because because I know a ton of people who do it responsibly. But it doesn’t sound like the LW is interested in that; he sounds like he doesn’t want anything to change and that’s not a responsible way to do this.
Having a kid will often change your lifestyle depending on what you used to do. And IMO it's the mark of an asshole think that nothing should change for you because your wife is the one pregnant.
Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone.
I remember it was about 8 years ago and Chiquita was a baby and there was a missing person situation with another child about her age. I can't remember what happened but I remember the mom saying that she was drunk and home alone and my first thought was that you DON'T DO THAT. It doesn't matter if you're not going anywhere - if you are planning to take care of a child then you ensure that you have your mental faculties about you. And I'm no teetotaler but there's a big difference between a glass of wine and "I don't know I was drunk."
This is making me think that if this guy wants to be impaired every day how does he plan to parent??
Theres a couple I know who smoke fairly regularly (and to be fair their kids are now over a year old) and they never smoke at the same time, or if they do it’s when the kids are with a sitter. Someone is always sober at night when the kids are sleeping. He didn’t smoke when she was pregnant and they’ve set safe boundaries on how they use it now. That is a lot different from their pre-kid life but they have both changed how they’ve used in a way that is safe and fair for everyone
idk why the above from @charlotte989875 copied weird.
Overall, I don't see the bolded as a problem at all GIVEN THAT THEY ARE IN A STATE WHERE IT'S LEGAL. I think it should absolutely be legalized/decriminalized in all states, even though I'm not a user. But until it is, I just can't get over parents buying/keeping/using illegal drugs on their person, or in their home - that's not ok under any circumstances in my opinion. H and I have had quite a few discussions about this. I don't care if he or anyone uses occasionally. I don't want it in my house until it's legally allowed to be there.
But it also I mean legally even I states where it’s legal at the state level it’s still illegal at the federal level so yeah everyone in those states are breaking the law.
I just fell like this part is a little judgy, IMO because (at least in my state) it’s the same penalty as a traffic violation.
But IMO whether or not you have it in your home is a discussion that you have with your spouse and you have to mutually agree how to run your household.
And I totally agree it’s a decision people have to make the decision themselves on whether it is something they want in their house but I think a blanket “its never okay and people who do aren’t responsible” isn’t cool because for many people it’s just not a risk.
It definitely is judgy but I'm pretty ok with that. And I get the distinction between decriminalized vs illegal and think that's kind of a gray area and I would not be comfortable with that risk for me or H.
My point is, it's still illegal in most states and I think that's pretty irresponsible around children, period. Would we be having this same discussion if it were cocaine? I don't think we would. Yeah, it's a different drug, but it's still an illegal drug. Would you want that in your house?
I know that's a very black and white view on it, but I personally don't understand why people would take the risk when children are involved. Not even going to touch the white privilege and disproportionate enforcement of drug laws that @starmoon44 mentioned.
But cool way to call a bunch of people here irresponsible.
I feel like I made it very clear that my issue is not with the actual usage of pot (or any drug) but with the illegality of the action in the majority of instances - especially around children. I didn't call anyone here personally irresponsible.
If everyone is comfortable with their choices, then my personal opinion on the issue shouldn't matter to them.
I'm honestly not understanding.
Of course people are free to ignore what I'm saying, that's true of any conversation or discussion on any topic. No one has to agree with me.
Opoids, which cocaine/heroin/crack fall under, are extremely physically addictive. Even when opoids are legally used in medical settings, people can become addicted. However, while I suppose a person can become emotionally addicted to pot...just like someone could become emotionally addicted to almost anything...pot is not physically addictive.
Which is always a funny irony for me. Cigarettes are legal to buy, but are physically addictive. Pot is not physically addictive, but illegal to buy in most states and illegal to buy anywhere in the U.S. under Federal Law.
Another good reason to decriminalize pot. Do you know where much of the resistance comes from in decriminalizing pot? The very powerful lobbyists of Big Pharma, who are the last people that want to admit something as cheap as pot that people can grow in their garden, has all kinds of valid medicinal uses. I admit I have extremely negative views of the pharmaceutical industry. So IMHO if they think something is "bad", that usually translates to it's GREAT for everybody else.
Curious: Do you ever exceed the speed limit? Would you do it with kids in the car? Do you think it's OK for others to do that with kids in the car? Do you think there's a difference between 1-5 mph over the limit and 20 mph over the limit?
Haha, to be fair, my driving typically consists of stop and go traffic to and from work so there's not much opportunity to speed even if I wanted to. But when I do venture further, I'm usually going away from the city where there's far more open roads and far less traffic.
But @Casadena, my point of questioning was if you would do this on a road, on a highway and if you see a difference between say 1-10 mph over the limit and in excess of 20 mph over the limit?