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"I thought I could make this work, but I truly cannot. I'm sorry, but I have to back out."

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I said yes to attending a close friend’s hen party but was then later asked to stump up for an Airbnb and flights to Paris from our home in the U.K. This weekend trip is now costing me a lot to go to one of the busiest cities in the world. It’s also a total secret from the bride, who has no idea where we’re going. All of this would have been stressful regardless, but it’s also happening a week before I submit my Ph.D. thesis and three weeks before my own wedding. (I decided not to have a hen party of my own.) I feel like a fool for saying yes to an expensive holiday to a place I don’t care to visit. I know I have no one to blame but myself, but I’m getting to an age when a lot of friends are getting married. What can I do next time I’m asked to attend a hen party I don’t want to go to? It’s usually someone I’m very close to, and I really don’t want to make anyone feel awkward by saying, “I haven’t got enough money, and even if I did I would not want to go on this trip.” But I haven’t got enough money, and I do not want to go on this trip, and I’m expecting that this issue will arise again in the near future.

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Re: "I thought I could make this work, but I truly cannot. I'm sorry, but I have to back out."

  • banana468banana468 member
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    "I am sorry but I looked at my finances and this is too rich for my blood.  I'll get together with her after my wedding and we can celebrate later." 

    And then let this be a lesson.   When agreeing to attend be clear, "Sure I'd love to get together for a hen party!   I can swing a weekend around X time and can afford something around Y."  If it's more than that you can have the easy out, "Oh I'm sorry but per my previous note that's financially more than I'm prepared to spend at this time.   I hope you share the pictures!" 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    Blame it on the PhD. The week before I submitted mine I slept for a total of ~15 hours in seven days. It was hell. So yeah don’t go on a holiday that’s going to agree you out more. Back out now and tell everyone you can’t wait to catch up at the wedding. 

    Dont say its because of the location, or whatever. Just say you’re not able to attend now. You’re not required to give a detailed explanation of why. 
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  • CasadenaCasadena member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    Blame it on the PhD. The week before I submitted mine I slept for a total of ~15 hours in seven days. It was hell. So yeah don’t go on a holiday that’s going to agree you out more. Back out now and tell everyone you can’t wait to catch up at the wedding. 

    Dont say its because of the location, or whatever. Just say you’re not able to attend now. You’re not required to give a detailed explanation of why. 

    This exactly.  You don't need to give a reason for not doing something.  Not wanting to go is reason enough in almost any situation. 
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
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    I'd say the PhD alone was a great excuse, but then also having her own wedding so close?  I think she is fine falling on that.

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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    Points to LW thinking she originally could do PhD, own wedding and this! I would 100% back out of everything unless it was a level 8 {maybe 7} importance.
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    I always feel bad for people who feel so conflicted about attending these elaborate bach parties.  It's always such an easy "no" from me. 
    LW, you have plenty of good reasons not to attend but you don't even owe the host(s) one.  Just decline. 
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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    ei34 said:
    I always feel bad for people who feel so conflicted about attending these elaborate bach parties.  It's always such an easy "no" from me. 
    LW, you have plenty of good reasons not to attend but you don't even owe the host(s) one.  Just decline. 
    Some people get so intense about bachelorette parties. My bff had her bachelorette party in Vegas. We ended up at an expensive hotel with a cabana by the pool because her sister had a hook up. But drinks were still super pricey.  One of our other friends was on the trip and she couldn’t afford to buy a round of drinks for everyone. When bff’s sister had her wedding, she didn’t invite our friend to her bachelorette party specifically because this woman hadn’t bought rounds of drinks at $150+ a pop on her extremely tight salary. It’s not even like she didn’t contribute. She brought some snacks and a bottle of something to the weekend. I thought (still think) it was ridiculous. 


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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
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    I had a sleepover with two members of  my bridal party.  We watched "The Wolverine" and did potluck.  It was amazing.  Different strokes for different folks, but spending huge amounts of money on a party has never been my thing.

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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
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    flantastic said:
    I didn't get to see one of my brothers this weekend because my other brother's bachelor party is going to be too expensive and he couldn't afford both trips. I don't think my brother getting married or the friends who are driving this (and all had their own nonsensically expensive destination things) have it on their radar that things could be a different way and/or the groom's only brother might have trouble saying no to the expense.

    Meanwhile, my sister (who just graduated college) and I noped out of the bachelorette party early. We love FSIL, but the plan was for everyone to stay in $250/night hotel rooms for multiple nights, in a city where most of them live. It's fine if that's how her group wants to celebrate, but I didn't want to learn about the cover charges at places where a pregnant lady can't drink anyway.
    Did I miss an announcement? I also agree that expecting everyone to be able to afford these over the top destinations parties is ridiculous. LW should just say she's sorry she can't attend and pay her portion of the AirBnB is she had agreed to do so.
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  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
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    flantastic said:
    @ILoveBeachMusic Yeah, #3 is due in November. :) I might have referenced it before, but I'm not sure I actually made an announcement here (and probably won't on social media until he's here).
    oh I missed it being mentioned also! :)
    Congrats! I noticed a "he" mentioning, it's a boy?
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    flantastic said:
    @ILoveBeachMusic Yeah, #3 is due in November. :) I might have referenced it before, but I'm not sure I actually made an announcement here (and probably won't on social media until he's here).
    I've been thinking about you.  Many prayers for you and your growing baby!!
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  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited July 2019
    Oh @flantastic I'm so happy for you and your family!! Prayers for healthy pregnancy and delivery. Hugs!

    ETA - I won't mention it elsewhere!
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  • cupcait927cupcait927 member
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    @flantastic Congratulations! Praying for you and your family for healthy pregnancy.
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    flantastic said:
    @ILoveBeachMusic Yeah, #3 is due in November. :) I might have referenced it before, but I'm not sure I actually made an announcement here (and probably won't on social media until he's here).
    Oh Flan that’s fantastic news!!! So so happy for you all!
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  • levioosalevioosa member
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    Congratulations @flantastic! Sending you good vibes for a healthy pregnancy! I’m so happy for you! 


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  • redwoodoriginalredwoodoriginal member
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    @flantastic OMG CONGRATS!! I am so excited for you and your family! Sending positive thoughts for a healthy pregnancy and delivery and the healthiest baby boy! 
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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    @flantastic Congrats on the new baby!  Many prayers for you and little one for a healthy pregnancy!
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    Congrats on #3 @flantastic ! Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and delivery :)
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