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My mother, the emotional black hole.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

My mother says terrible things to me about my dad like “When your dad gains weight, I pick fights with him so he won’t want to have sex with me,” and “If your dad gets Alzheimer’s, I’m going to divorce him.” She cannot handle any sort of criticism or boundary-setting, so when I tell her that she’s making me uncomfortable, she gets angry, yells, and/or says hurtful things. I can’t talk to my dad about it, as he’d be hurt to know what she says about him. Additionally, whenever we talk, she dumps all of her problems on me and never asks about me. As a result, it is emotionally exhausting to interact with her. She only treats me this way, not my brother. I’ve been in therapy working through these issues as well as processing her emotionally abusing me during childhood. I have gone back-and-forth about whether I want to have a relationship with her. Mostly, I am concerned that cutting her off would result in a huge fallout and affect my relationship with the rest of my family. How do you suggest I navigate this relationship? For context, I’m in my 20s and financially independent.

—Oversharing Mother

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Re: My mother, the emotional black hole.

  • MissKittyDangerMissKittyDanger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    "mom, I don't like when you talk to me about these things. Have you tried speaking to a professional?"

    Or if LW wants to be blunt "Talk to a therapist, not me."
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    Wowza.  I've had to have a similar conversation with my mother about boundaries w/my father and their marriage.  We've had to work through it over the years, b/c for awhile she took it to an extreme of "never talk to Varuna about Dad" and me saying, "I think you know that's not what I meant, but JIC, here's the line for me."  It works for us now, but my mother listened to me and respected my boundary.

    Obviously that's not what LW is experiencing.  LW is also taking care of themselves in a healthy manner, so maybe just try and limit the presumably one-on-one interaction time with mom, so mom can't do that?  Otherwise, I don't really see a way out beyond a total freeze out and try to maintain individual relationships with other family individuals as possible.  LW might have to accept it's not possible and work on learning to accept the consequences of that, but LW shouldn't feel bad for choosing their own mental health.
    �
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  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    The fact that the mother doesn't talk like this to the father or the brother makes it look like she is isolating LW so she can continue the abuse.  I don't know, I feel like I would open up to other members of the family to let them know what is happening.  Maybe they can help, or at least back LW up.
    But I also like the blunt response from @MissKittyDanger

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  • missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Stop seeing mom alone. Make time to spend alone time with Dad. Leave or hang up if Mom starts to cross boundaries. MKD's blunt line is good.
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