Dear Prudence,
I am half-Japanese and married to a white man from the Midwest. My relationship with his family is complex at best. They were unhappy that I kept my name when we got married. I use that name professionally, but more importantly, it is my heritage and connection to my departed father. He died the year before I met my husband. My in-laws don’t like that my husband and I practice Japanese together. My sister-in-law can be on her phone while we are picking her up from the airport, but if I give directions to my husband in Japanese, she says, “It’s rude to talk like that.” My husband is on my side. He is hurt by their attitude, but he loves them. I don’t want a rift. My in-laws can be genuinely good people, but I don’t fit in the box they want me in. I am now pregnant. We are naming the baby after my father’s side of the family. My husband is supportive, and my mother cried when I told her. I don’t know if we should tell my in-laws about the name until I give birth. We are going to visit for the holidays, and I don’t think I can handle the supportive “small talk.” I hate having to defend my father and my heritage. I want my babies to have that connection, to see that part of him live on. Are we doing the right thing? We only see my in-laws twice a year.
—Fraught Baby Name