Stop expecting your siblings to suck less.

Re: Stop expecting your siblings to suck less.

• banana468 member

  

  March 19

  You're going to need to be firm and also expect the freeloading. 
  
  "The cabin's rented for X weeks and is open at Y time.   To cover my costs please venmo me $Z and then I can send you the access info." 
  
  Expect that they won't like the terms and expect that they'll want to get in for free.   But no one can take advantage of you if you don't let them.   So put teeth in the plans. 

  

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• MyNameIsNot Atlanta member

  

  March 19

  This could be my mother's family. She and one other of her 5 siblings are financially successful with some financial security. The other three vary from paycheck-paycheck to a bit more dire. They all act like mom and this one uncle have won the lotto. I hate it. I think there's a lot of resentment and jealousy below the surface. 
  
  Anyway, I think LW just has to use their words. As a compromise, I would pick a time slot (say 2 weeks in the summer) for family use. Tell everyone they can come and go for free during that time. Any other use would need to be rented through X management company. 

  

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• banana468 member

  

  March 19

  MyNameIsNot said:

  This could be my mother's family. She and one other of her 5 siblings are financially successful with some financial security. The other three vary from paycheck-paycheck to a bit more dire. They all act like mom and this one uncle have won the lotto. I hate it. I think there's a lot of resentment and jealousy below the surface. 
  
  Anyway, I think LW just has to use their words. As a compromise, I would pick a time slot (say 2 weeks in the summer) for family use. Tell everyone they can come and go for free during that time. Any other use would need to be rented through X management company. 

  I love that idea.   Then the LW can wash her hands of the entire process. 

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  March 19

  Your siblings are taking advantage of you, but you’re letting them. If it’s too much you need to say so; clearly but not screaming at them for their choices. They made choices, you made different ones but you’re the only one unhappy with the arrangement. 

  
  

  Buy the cabin and do what you want with it, but be clear about when it’s available for family use and what the terms are. And stick to them. 

  

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• short+sassy member

  

  March 19

  Yep!  Setting boundaries.  Including for current annoyances.  Like the aunt and uncle "gifts" to the LW's kids, that really aren't from them.  And the group outings.  I'd either joke back that I have a savings account because I don't treat people to meals every time I go out with them.  Or, if the LW wants to make the point more seriously, they should have an individual talk with each sibling that XYZ expectations make them uncomfortable and they need to stop.
  
  As for the vacation cabin if they chose to purchase it, I think they can nip a lot of this in the bud right from the start.  I'd send an e-mail to everyone right after the closing...ie, written documentation that can be referred back to at any time...about the new terms.  Including verbiage that they have gone to great expense to keep this cabin in the family but, to help them do that, it will need to be a vacation rental the majority of the year.
  
  If the LW doesn't mind disclosing this, I'd even include the "black and white" numbers of just how much this cabin costs on a monthly basis.  Mortgage/insurance/taxes/vacancy/estimated maintenance/property management.  All of it.  I wouldn't be surprised if that "monthly profit" is a RED number and more like a "monthly cost".
  
  A rental, especially a vacation rental, is a far cry expenses-wise from owning a personal home.  Most people have little idea.  Which includes the siblings and **cough, cough** possibly even the LW.  Who, of all people, should be crunching those numbers hard to know exactly what they are getting into.  Without the info about cost, their siblings are only going to be picturing the gross revenue that the LW is just "raking in" from being so greedy and not letting the rest of the family stay there for free whenever they want.
  

  

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• MissKittyDanger member

  

  March 20

  My mum is the oldest of 5, but not similar situations.
  
  Serious question, I want to know how LW grew up.
  I genuinely ask because with my mum and her brothers, they grew up going without often - so the ones who may not have a job, just do without if need be.

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• MyNameIsNot Atlanta member

  

  March 20

  MissKittyDanger said:

  My mum is the oldest of 5, but not similar situations.
  
  Serious question, I want to know how LW grew up.
  I genuinely ask because with my mum and her brothers, they grew up going without often - so the ones who may not have a job, just do without if need be.

  She talks about paycheck to paycheck, self-sufficient but still have struggles and going out to dinner. It doesn't sound so much like these are people doing without so much as they don't have the budget for the extras, or that they aren't really prepared for the unexpected. 

  

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  March 20

  MissKittyDanger said:

  My mum is the oldest of 5, but not similar situations.
  
  Serious question, I want to know how LW grew up.
  I genuinely ask because with my mum and her brothers, they grew up going without often - so the ones who may not have a job, just do without if need be.

  I’m assuming the US, where it’s much more difficult to just do without a job. We don’t have an extensive social safety net (as we’re clearly seeing right now) and unless you’re generationally wealthy it’s hard to do without a job here. 

  

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• Jen4948 Houston member

  

  March 20

  Boundaries are going to be your best friend here.
  
  Say something to your siblings to stop the jokes: "We don't find comments about comparative net worth funny, and they stop being made or we stop hosting you."
  
  Also be firm about the use of the cabin: "The cabin is available from X to Y dates. We will need a deposit from you of $X, your signature on our rental contract and your respecting these rules. Yes, just like Airbnb."

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• banana468 member

  

  March 20

  MyNameIsNot said:

  MissKittyDanger said:

  My mum is the oldest of 5, but not similar situations.
  
  Serious question, I want to know how LW grew up.
  I genuinely ask because with my mum and her brothers, they grew up going without often - so the ones who may not have a job, just do without if need be.

  She talks about paycheck to paycheck, self-sufficient but still have struggles and going out to dinner. It doesn't sound so much like these are people doing without so much as they don't have the budget for the extras, or that they aren't really prepared for the unexpected. 

  Yup.   Years ago I remember working with people who were out buying the latest in available technological gadgets and name brand clothing but talked about a lack of savings.     

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