Coronavirus should I postpone my wedding?

banana468 · March 2020

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I think governors will be making the decisions for the states - not Trump. The governor of Ohio (where both sons live) has already said he isn't opening up the state any time soon. I can only pray that other governors will follow suit and over ride anything Trump says.

The problem is with the asshat governors who haven't made enough restrictions.

mrsconn23 · March 2020

banana468 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I think governors will be making the decisions for the states - not Trump. The governor of Ohio (where both sons live) has already said he isn't opening up the state any time soon. I can only pray that other governors will follow suit and over ride anything Trump says.

The problem is with the asshat governors who haven't made enough restrictions.

And then there's TX Lt. Gov who deserves a special place in hell for valuing the economy over people's lives.

ILoveBeachMusic · March 2020

banana468 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I think governors will be making the decisions for the states - not Trump. The governor of Ohio (where both sons live) has already said he isn't opening up the state any time soon. I can only pray that other governors will follow suit and over ride anything Trump says.

The problem is with the asshat governors who haven't made enough restrictions.

So true but hopefully their citizens won't be traveling and the other states can recover. I'm trying to look at something to be optimistic about. The Texas governor should be burned at the stake.

banana468 · March 2020

ILoveBeachMusic said:

banana468 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I think governors will be making the decisions for the states - not Trump. The governor of Ohio (where both sons live) has already said he isn't opening up the state any time soon. I can only pray that other governors will follow suit and over ride anything Trump says.

The problem is with the asshat governors who haven't made enough restrictions.

So true but hopefully their citizens won't be traveling and the other states can recover. I'm trying to look at something to be optimistic about. The Texas governor should be burned at the stake.

If I was a betting person that's really unlikely especially in areas (cough...Florida...cough) with snowbirds that are leaving and heading up to their homes in northern states.

mrsconn23 · March 2020

banana468 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

banana468 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I think governors will be making the decisions for the states - not Trump. The governor of Ohio (where both sons live) has already said he isn't opening up the state any time soon. I can only pray that other governors will follow suit and over ride anything Trump says.

The problem is with the asshat governors who haven't made enough restrictions.

So true but hopefully their citizens won't be traveling and the other states can recover. I'm trying to look at something to be optimistic about. The Texas governor should be burned at the stake.

If I was a betting person that's really unlikely especially in areas (cough...Florida...cough) with snowbirds that are leaving and heading up to their homes in northern states.

I have a friend who lives in FL full time and is more concerned about the people who have second homes in FL are coming back, if they've left, to avoid the lockdown orders in northern states.

banana468 · March 2020

mrsconn23 said:

banana468 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

banana468 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I think governors will be making the decisions for the states - not Trump. The governor of Ohio (where both sons live) has already said he isn't opening up the state any time soon. I can only pray that other governors will follow suit and over ride anything Trump says.

The problem is with the asshat governors who haven't made enough restrictions.

So true but hopefully their citizens won't be traveling and the other states can recover. I'm trying to look at something to be optimistic about. The Texas governor should be burned at the stake.

If I was a betting person that's really unlikely especially in areas (cough...Florida...cough) with snowbirds that are leaving and heading up to their homes in northern states.

I have a friend who lives in FL full time and is more concerned about the people who have second homes in FL are coming back, if they've left, to avoid the lockdown orders in northern states.

I'm sure it's worse in reverse just due to the population density but if FL can't get people tested and they aren't trying to stop the spread it's also no good.

Our town in shoreline CT just asked anyone who relocated to isolate for 2 weeks. It's not enforceable at all but it's a mandate from the 1st selectman that anyone who just came to town to be in their summer home needs to not leave their home for two weeks at least to help us flatten the curve. We already have at least 1 case and we'll see what happens.

knottieac072384e076357a · March 2020

If you postpone your date and do a small private ceremony on your original date you can ABSOLUTELY and TOTALLY have your ceremony at your celebration wedding. I’m sure the majority of your guests would love to see you say your vows and be part of the special moment.

You do NOT have to give up your ceremony because you did a small ceremony privately due to your wedding getting postponed through no fault of your own!!!!

MNNEBride · March 2020

knottieac072384e076357a said:

If you postpone your date and do a small private ceremony on your original date you can ABSOLUTELY and TOTALLY have your ceremony at your celebration wedding. I’m sure the majority of your guests would love to see you say your vows and be part of the special moment.
You do NOT have to give up your ceremony because you did a small ceremony privately due to your wedding getting postponed through no fault of your own!!!!

Just be sure your guest know that you were married privately and don't lie to them regardless of the circumstances.

knottieac072384e076357a · April 2020

MNNEBride said:

knottieac072384e076357a said:

If you postpone your date and do a small private ceremony on your original date you can ABSOLUTELY and TOTALLY have your ceremony at your celebration wedding. I’m sure the majority of your guests would love to see you say your vows and be part of the special moment.
You do NOT have to give up your ceremony because you did a small ceremony privately due to your wedding getting postponed through no fault of your own!!!!

Just be sure your guest know that you were married privately and don't lie to them regardless of the circumstances.

I respectfully disagree. Your wedding, your information to share or not at your own discretion.

GBCK · April 2020

knottieac072384e076357a said:

MNNEBride said:

knottieac072384e076357a said:

If you postpone your date and do a small private ceremony on your original date you can ABSOLUTELY and TOTALLY have your ceremony at your celebration wedding. I’m sure the majority of your guests would love to see you say your vows and be part of the special moment.
You do NOT have to give up your ceremony because you did a small ceremony privately due to your wedding getting postponed through no fault of your own!!!!

Just be sure your guest know that you were married privately and don't lie to them regardless of the circumstances.

I respectfully disagree. Your wedding, your information to share or not at your own discretion.

Minor correction--marriage dates are public information.

Do whatever you want, but be aware that if, in 10 years, your evil grandmaIL finds out and tries to turn your entire family against you because you 'lied to grandma', well, it wouldn't be the first time that happened

(and people are really REALLY weird about such things. Really.
It's all well and good to say 'bah, my family wouldn't care' but, I'd say that drama that can be avoided by truth, well, I'd err on that side. Because I'd have said 'bah...blahblahbla', but, really, my evil GrandmaIL was still trying to break up our marriage 8 years later--and while she wouldn't have managed it, the level of high-stakes drama that would have ensued if she had found *anything* to sink her teeth into would have been amazing. We'd have weathered it, but we'd have gotten phone calls from each of the family members she bitched to about it (and it would have been all of them--information carefully timed for each bitch session, to cause maximum angst for the recipient), individually, and had to told them all a nice variation of 'well, she can burn in hell for all eternity, why are you playing into her BS' and it would have been tiresome as all get out.)

Secrets have a way of finding themselves out. Which--that's why you have an awesome wedding, and an awesome party, and they might not be on the same day. I personally would be anti-secret though.

banana468 · April 2020

GBCK said:

knottieac072384e076357a said:

MNNEBride said:

knottieac072384e076357a said:

If you postpone your date and do a small private ceremony on your original date you can ABSOLUTELY and TOTALLY have your ceremony at your celebration wedding. I’m sure the majority of your guests would love to see you say your vows and be part of the special moment.
You do NOT have to give up your ceremony because you did a small ceremony privately due to your wedding getting postponed through no fault of your own!!!!

Just be sure your guest know that you were married privately and don't lie to them regardless of the circumstances.

I respectfully disagree. Your wedding, your information to share or not at your own discretion.

Minor correction--marriage dates are public information.

Do whatever you want, but be aware that if, in 10 years, your evil grandmaIL finds out and tries to turn your entire family against you because you 'lied to grandma', well, it wouldn't be the first time that happened

(and people are really REALLY weird about such things. Really.
It's all well and good to say 'bah, my family wouldn't care' but, I'd say that drama that can be avoided by truth, well, I'd err on that side. Because I'd have said 'bah...blahblahbla', but, really, my evil GrandmaIL was still trying to break up our marriage 8 years later--and while she wouldn't have managed it, the level of high-stakes drama that would have ensued if she had found *anything* to sink her teeth into would have been amazing. We'd have weathered it, but we'd have gotten phone calls from each of the family members she bitched to about it (and it would have been all of them--information carefully timed for each bitch session, to cause maximum angst for the recipient), individually, and had to told them all a nice variation of 'well, she can burn in hell for all eternity, why are you playing into her BS' and it would have been tiresome as all get out.)

Secrets have a way of finding themselves out. Which--that's why you have an awesome wedding, and an awesome party, and they might not be on the same day. I personally would be anti-secret though.

Also be prepared that what you're arguing opens the door to agree that it's OK to not be truthful and if you engage in that with your FI/H that means that you've mutually decided TOGETHER that there are going to be times that it's OK to not tell the truth if you think you can get away with it.

CharmedPam · April 2020

knottieac072384e076357a said:

MNNEBride said:

knottieac072384e076357a said:

If you postpone your date and do a small private ceremony on your original date you can ABSOLUTELY and TOTALLY have your ceremony at your celebration wedding. I’m sure the majority of your guests would love to see you say your vows and be part of the special moment.
You do NOT have to give up your ceremony because you did a small ceremony privately due to your wedding getting postponed through no fault of your own!!!!

Just be sure your guest know that you were married privately and don't lie to them regardless of the circumstances.

I respectfully disagree. Your wedding, your information to share or not at your own discretion.

😂

MNNEBride · April 2020

Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining AND don't get married now and then tell me you are having a "wedding" later. You can have a reception, re-enactment, a blessing ceremony, a vow renewal, etc. But your wedding happened on the day you signed the marriage license with a witness.

climbingsingle · April 2020

I respectfully disagree. Your wedding, your information to share or not at your own discretion.

😂

Stuck in the box. Hahahahahah...I can't stop laughing at this! Hilarious!

knottieac072384e076357a · April 2020

I mean point taken with the lying about having had a ceremony, I think my main issue was with the person advising not to have a mock ceremony at their rescheduled wedding.

I think, frankly, that a lot of etiquette rules will be very relaxed due to this unprecedented situation.

I think very few people would judge someone who was forced to postpone their wedding due to a global pandemic, for having a small ceremony and then having a ceremony at their rescheduled wedding. I just don’t think that the usual rules of etiquette necessarily apply here.

ei34 · April 2020

knottieac072384e076357a said:

I mean point taken with the lying about having had a ceremony, I think my main issue was with the person advising not to have a mock ceremony at their rescheduled wedding.
I think, frankly, that a lot of etiquette rules will be very relaxed due to this unprecedented situation.
I think very few people would judge someone who was forced to postpone their wedding due to a global pandemic, for having a small ceremony and then having a ceremony at their rescheduled wedding. I just don’t think that the usual rules of etiquette necessarily apply here.

We all told the OP that she should go ahead with a small marriage ceremony on the original date, and have as big a reception as she wants at a later time, with the exact reason being the pandemic is shifting the usual etiquette. And then we all took issue with your saying "Your wedding, your information to share or not at your own discretion". Ceremony and reception on different days - sure go ahead. Lying to guests - never okay.

MNNEBride · April 2020

Lying to people isn't about ettiquette - it's about character.

I can't see wedding guests being any but understanding that there was a small wedding and big reception later. Everyone is making sacrifices during this time.

banana468 · April 2020

knottieac072384e076357a said:

I mean point taken with the lying about having had a ceremony, I think my main issue was with the person advising not to have a mock ceremony at their rescheduled wedding.
I think, frankly, that a lot of etiquette rules will be very relaxed due to this unprecedented situation.
I think very few people would judge someone who was forced to postpone their wedding due to a global pandemic, for having a small ceremony and then having a ceremony at their rescheduled wedding. I just don’t think that the usual rules of etiquette necessarily apply here.

To add to what all the others said, yes - normally we would say that mock ceremonies are inappropriate. In this instance though, the mock ceremony is fine and totally understandable!

What is not and never is OK is deception. Guests deserve to know if the couple are married or are getting married. Lying to your guests is never OK and it's more than just against etiquette to do that. It's a morally and ethically wrong.

knottieac072384e076357a · April 2020

That’s why I said point taken with the lying. I personally don’t see it as lying to omit telling people about a private ceremony, but I can see the point.

I am saying that the reason I responded in the first place was because the poster said not to do a ‘sham’ ceremony.

That really rubbed me the wrong way under these unique set of circumstances.

I personally would have no judgement about a couple making a decision to have a ceremony and consider it their business whether they share that or not - especially given some of the words used to describe those ceremonies in this very thread. Sham, reenactment, etc. I personally, would not blame someone for wanting to avoid those kind of comments.

That said, I take the point and agree that the best policy is probably being open about it. I however, wouldn’t judge either way during this crisis. People do what they need to do and I would support them no matter what.

knottieac072384e076357a · April 2020

The word was actually mock. Same point.

banana468 · April 2020

knottieac072384e076357a said:

That’s why I said point taken with the lying. I personally don’t see it as lying to omit telling people about a private ceremony, but I can see the point.
I am saying that the reason I responded in the first place was because the poster said not to do a ‘sham’ ceremony.
That really rubbed me the wrong way under these unique set of circumstances.
I personally would have no judgement about a couple making a decision to have a ceremony and consider it their business whether they share that or not - especially given some of the words used to describe those ceremonies in this very thread. Sham, reenactment, etc. I personally, would not blame someone for wanting to avoid those kind of comments.
That said, I take the point and agree that the best policy is probably being open about it. I however, wouldn’t judge either way during this crisis. People do what they need to do and I would support them no matter what.

However by you very comment you would not know what you're supporting them in if the didn't tell you what they did.

Think of it this way - when you decide to get married by and not tell anyone what you decide is that it's more important to you (those getting married) for your officiant and the federal and state government to recognize you as married than it is for your family and friends to do it. By doing it, you create levels of people who get to know and those are essentially STRANGERS but intimate friends and family don't.

banana468 · April 2020

knottieac072384e076357a said:

The word was actually mock. Same point.

NO IT ISN'T.

You are confusing the terms.

Mock, when used as an adjective is saying that the ceremony is not real but it's done without the intention to deceive the guests. Think of high school mock trial clubs. It's not mocking or teasing. It's something done to simulate how it can be with everyone present understanding that what they are watching is not the legal exchange of vows.

It isn't the same point at all.

knottieac072384e076357a · April 2020

banana468 said:

knottieac072384e076357a said:

The word was actually mock. Same point.

NO IT ISN'T.

You are confusing the terms.

Mock, when used as an adjective is saying that the ceremony is not real but it's done without the intention to deceive the guests. Think of high school mock trial clubs. It's not mocking or teasing. It's something done to simulate how it can be with everyone present understanding that what they are watching is not the legal exchange of vows.

It isn't the same point at all.

There have been a number of words used to describe second ceremonies and none of them sound that great. Sparing oneself negative comments is the point.

banana468 · April 2020

knottieac072384e076357a said:

banana468 said:

knottieac072384e076357a said:

The word was actually mock. Same point.

NO IT ISN'T.

You are confusing the terms.

Mock, when used as an adjective is saying that the ceremony is not real but it's done without the intention to deceive the guests. Think of high school mock trial clubs. It's not mocking or teasing. It's something done to simulate how it can be with everyone present understanding that what they are watching is not the legal exchange of vows.

It isn't the same point at all.

There have been a number of words used to describe second ceremonies and none of them sound that great. Sparing oneself negative comments is the point.

I don't think you're getting the point at all.

Most people previously stated that a mock ceremony done in front of guests was in poor taste because they weren't invited to the real deal.

But everyone is now stating that this situation has called for relaxing some of the etiquette guidelines because they existed when couples had the choice between having a wedding with guests or without and they weren't planning in a global pandemic. That isn't the case now.

But to comment that a couple can decide whether or not to tell the truth if it means that they spare themselves negative comments implies that moral integrity is contingent upon whether or not doing the right thing is easy. And it has NOTHING to do with whether or not it is easy. Lying to people because it's easier to do that then be truthful is not and never has been the path taken by people of morals or high integrity.

That is the point here. If you decide to get married now and then have a re-enactment then go for it. Be honest about it. Most people will probably understand that in a global pandemic you did what was necessary.

knottieac072384e076357a · April 2020

We can agree on most of what you wrote.

The first comment I responded to was not, in fact supportive of having a wedding ceremony with family and friends.

“However, you shouldn't do a mock ceremony. You will have already been married several months, and everyone would know that.“

Other comments in other threads have included the words mock, faux, re-enactment, vow renewal, etc.

I do not think it speaks to my alleged lack of moral compass to suggest that couples be allowed to determine whether they wish to open themselves up to the kind of commentary I have seen displayed here.

As someone impacted by this situation personally we have chosen to share our decision with close family already and have written a poem to put on our change the date cards explaining to the rest of our guests. It saddens me that people who have not experienced what we are experiencing are throwing around etiquette rules which denigrate the experience of having our wedding ceremony (yes wedding ceremony, not re-enactment, vow renewal, mock ceremony, faux ceremony or anything else) on the wedding date we will share with the most important people in our lives.

We have chosen to tell people, but I maintain that the decision to do so in these circumstances lies with the couple making difficult and upsetting decisions in the middle of a global crisis. Not with Miss Manners or people who really haven’t been in this position.

banana468 · April 2020

knottieac072384e076357a said:

We can agree on most of what you wrote.
The first comment I responded to was not, in fact supportive of having a wedding ceremony with family and friends.

“However, you shouldn't do a mock ceremony. You will have already been married several months, and everyone would know that.“

Other comments in other threads have included the words mock, faux, re-enactment, vow renewal, etc.

I do not think it speaks to my alleged lack of moral compass to suggest that couples be allowed to determine whether they wish to open themselves up to the kind of commentary I have seen displayed here.

As someone impacted by this situation personally we have chosen to share our decision with close family already and have written a poem to put on our change the date cards explaining to the rest of our guests. It saddens me that people who have not experienced what we are experiencing are throwing around etiquette rules which denigrate the experience of having our wedding ceremony (yes wedding ceremony, not re-enactment, vow renewal, mock ceremony, faux ceremony or anything else) on the wedding date we will share with the most important people in our lives.

We have chosen to tell people, but I maintain that the decision to do so in these circumstances lies with the couple making difficult and upsetting decisions in the middle of a global crisis. Not with Miss Manners or people who really haven’t been in this position.

Again, I think you trying to eat your cake and have it too.

People are understanding that these are extremely trying circumstances. I am actually going to disagree with @ILoveBeachMusic saying that one shouldn't do a mock ceremony.

I think if you do the ceremony and treat it as a vow renewal OR tell everyone that what they are witnessing is not the exchange of vows but is done because they get this moment with friends and family because of the pandemic then yes - couples get a free pass this time.

But you specifically said that you felt it was up to the couple regarding how truthful they felt they needed to be with their guests. And being truthful is more than a matter of etiquette. It's a matter of integrity and transparency.

And one does not get a free pass in a global pandemic that in light of current circumstances it's acceptable to deceive loved ones. It has not and never will be OK to lie. Telling you that is not denigrating your experience.

knottieac072384e076357a · April 2020

banana468 said:

knottieac072384e076357a said:

We can agree on most of what you wrote.
The first comment I responded to was not, in fact supportive of having a wedding ceremony with family and friends.

“However, you shouldn't do a mock ceremony. You will have already been married several months, and everyone would know that.“

Other comments in other threads have included the words mock, faux, re-enactment, vow renewal, etc.

I do not think it speaks to my alleged lack of moral compass to suggest that couples be allowed to determine whether they wish to open themselves up to the kind of commentary I have seen displayed here.

As someone impacted by this situation personally we have chosen to share our decision with close family already and have written a poem to put on our change the date cards explaining to the rest of our guests. It saddens me that people who have not experienced what we are experiencing are throwing around etiquette rules which denigrate the experience of having our wedding ceremony (yes wedding ceremony, not re-enactment, vow renewal, mock ceremony, faux ceremony or anything else) on the wedding date we will share with the most important people in our lives.

We have chosen to tell people, but I maintain that the decision to do so in these circumstances lies with the couple making difficult and upsetting decisions in the middle of a global crisis. Not with Miss Manners or people who really haven’t been in this position.

Again, I think you trying to eat your cake and have it too.

People are understanding that these are extremely trying circumstances. I am actually going to disagree with @ILoveBeachMusic saying that one shouldn't do a mock ceremony.

I think if you do the ceremony and treat it as a vow renewal OR tell everyone that what they are witnessing is not the exchange of vows but is done because they get this moment with friends and family because of the pandemic then yes - couples get a free pass this time.

But you specifically said that you felt it was up to the couple regarding how truthful they felt they needed to be with their guests. And being truthful is more than a matter of etiquette. It's a matter of integrity and transparency.

And one does not get a free pass in a global pandemic that in light of current circumstances it's acceptable to deceive loved ones. It has not and never will be OK to lie. Telling you that is not denigrating your experience.

It will be our wedding ceremony. For you to suggest otherwise feels very much like you are indeed denigrating my experience.

As I have said before we will have to agree to disagree. Or not. You are welcome to consider yourself right and those of us actually experiencing this will go and enjoy our re-enactment, mock ceremonies and thank you for your wonderfully understanding etiquette advice.

banana468 · April 2020

knottieac072384e076357a said:

banana468 said:

knottieac072384e076357a said:

We can agree on most of what you wrote.
The first comment I responded to was not, in fact supportive of having a wedding ceremony with family and friends.

“However, you shouldn't do a mock ceremony. You will have already been married several months, and everyone would know that.“

Other comments in other threads have included the words mock, faux, re-enactment, vow renewal, etc.

I do not think it speaks to my alleged lack of moral compass to suggest that couples be allowed to determine whether they wish to open themselves up to the kind of commentary I have seen displayed here.

As someone impacted by this situation personally we have chosen to share our decision with close family already and have written a poem to put on our change the date cards explaining to the rest of our guests. It saddens me that people who have not experienced what we are experiencing are throwing around etiquette rules which denigrate the experience of having our wedding ceremony (yes wedding ceremony, not re-enactment, vow renewal, mock ceremony, faux ceremony or anything else) on the wedding date we will share with the most important people in our lives.

We have chosen to tell people, but I maintain that the decision to do so in these circumstances lies with the couple making difficult and upsetting decisions in the middle of a global crisis. Not with Miss Manners or people who really haven’t been in this position.

Again, I think you trying to eat your cake and have it too.

People are understanding that these are extremely trying circumstances. I am actually going to disagree with @ILoveBeachMusic saying that one shouldn't do a mock ceremony.

I think if you do the ceremony and treat it as a vow renewal OR tell everyone that what they are witnessing is not the exchange of vows but is done because they get this moment with friends and family because of the pandemic then yes - couples get a free pass this time.

But you specifically said that you felt it was up to the couple regarding how truthful they felt they needed to be with their guests. And being truthful is more than a matter of etiquette. It's a matter of integrity and transparency.

And one does not get a free pass in a global pandemic that in light of current circumstances it's acceptable to deceive loved ones. It has not and never will be OK to lie. Telling you that is not denigrating your experience.

It will be our wedding ceremony. For you to suggest otherwise feels very much like you are indeed denigrating my experience.

As I have said before we will have to agree to disagree. Or not. You are welcome to consider yourself right and those of us actually experiencing this will go and enjoy our re-enactment, mock ceremonies and thank you for your wonderfully understanding etiquette advice.

Are you telling people that you will already be married when you do this?

Look - what you want to consider it and call it is fine. I won't agree with it and it won't be your wedding but I'm perfectly fine in this situation going w/ the flow that if you want to stand up and exchange vows in front of everyone and call it that - fine.

BUT if you are married in a civil marriage that is filed and you do not disclose that you legally married while engaging in that ceremony in front of your guests then you are a liar and you're actively deceiving your guests.

I'm not sure what it takes to get you to understand this. Be truthful. Tell people what they're invited to. Call it your wedding if you want but TELL THEM THAT YOU ARE LEGALLY MARRIED.

If you actively do not disclose that information you then are deceiving your guests. That is then lying and by definition THAT is improper and beyond against etiquette.

knottieac072384e076357a · April 2020

I already said I was. Before you start yelling and calling me a liar, perhaps you should go up a couple of posts and read.

knottieac072384e076357a · April 2020

Also you are doing a very good job of convincing me that I never want to have someone as judgmental as you seem to be at a wedding of mine.

While we have chosen to tell our family and friends what we are doing, you have made me doubt that we made the right decision in doing so.

So cheers for that.

Coronavirus should I postpone my wedding?

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