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levioosa · August 2020

bubblyface said:

Hi all, sorry it is going to be long, skip to the bottom for the short version:

My SO and I have talked about getting engaged in the next 12 months (the sooner the better for me as I would love to get married next year).

However, I have a fair bit of family drama (just like everyone I am sure) and I was hoping to get some advice surrounding it so I can stop freaking out. I would love to get married about 1 hour and 30 mins from where we live currently, which is quite rural and at my SO's family's property.

My aunt and mother do not get along since my grandmother died in 2018. They do not even speak.

My aunt has commented about there maybe a wedding soon and I brush it off but I am unsure whether to even invite her. She is disabled, lives alone, no children or partner or other family members (beside my sister and myself), cannot drive after dark (and I don't want that burden on my sister), doesn't like photos or other people and is basically a homebody and she never travels anywhere. I don't think she would want to travel to get there anyway, however, I don't want to give her the option as I believe my mother and father deserve to enjoy the day as well without being anxious and embarrassed of her sister/SIL (sorry to be blunt, but it is true). I do love my aunt, and I feel terrible as she only has my sister and me (although it is her fault I suppose - I am so torn).

Do you guys think it would be offensive/selfish to offer to live-stream the wedding for her, get it all set up, get dinner delivered and a bottle of wine, so she can watch the wedding from the comfort of her own home (with a side benefit of not having the family drama)?

SHORT VERSION: my mother and aunt do not get along. Would it be offensive to get her set up with a live stream of the ceremony, and get dinner and wine delivered for the ceremony?

Although I am not engaged yet, this is something that has been on my mind and hopefully, if I can make a decision now, it will be easier once we are engaged/start planning. Thank you so much in advance, it is much appreciated.

No, you either fully invite her or you don’t invite her all. This may be a non-issue if she has no way of getting to the wedding but don’t count on that either.

MyNameIsNot · August 2020

If you don't want to invite her, don't invite her. Not inviting her but rubbing it in her face with this second tier guest business is just cruel. No one wants to sit at home and watch family members at a party that they weren't invited to.

Your parents and your aunt are [presumably] adults. If you want to invite the aunt, your parents can adult enough to deal with a person they dislike being in the same room, and your aunt can adult enough to arrange for her own transportation. Hiring a car service for an afternoon is really not a big deal.

It sounds like you need to decide whether or not you want her there, and quit trying to make a decision based on what you think other people will think.

downtondiva · August 2020

Either you invite your aunt or you don't. Live streaming a wedding for someone (and whatever else accompanies that - dinner, flowers, etc.) is for people who you invited who cannot make it because of medical reasons, having a baby, etc. It's not an alternative to actually inviting someone because you're trying to avoid conflict.

I completely understand why you're torn about this. There are a lot of factors to consider, including whether you think your parents and your aunt can adult enough, as @MyNameIsNot put it, to give each other a wide berth and not get into a fight at your wedding. Fortunately, you have some time to think about it. You don't have to make a decision about this today.

short+sassy · August 2020

I'm going to repeat the other PPs. It's fine to just not invite her to the wedding. But it would be REALLY offensive to not invite her to the wedding, but then offer to livestream it for her and have dinner delivered. That's treating her like a "second tier" non-guest. Now, this might be a nice idea if she is invited, but declines because no ride/ill health/whatever. She is responsible for arranging her own ride and your sister can decline, if asked.

Decide for yourself if you want to invite her or not. She and your mom are grown adults. They can continue to avoid each other at the reception, if they want to. With that said, if it is more important to you to make your mom's day easier than to invite this aunt, that's fine also.

mrsconn23 · August 2020

Do you even want her there? There's nothing that you've written that says you genuinely *like* your aunt. It reads as you maintain a relationship with her out of obligation/family ties, but not because you actually want to do so. Why does that fall to you and your sister? Your mom and your aunt clearly do not want anything to do with one another for whatever reason.

But I agree with PP that you cannot do this weird hybrid streaming and dinner delivery. Even if you don't intend for it to be so, it's really insulting. Either invite her or don't. If you choose to invite her, your sister needs to put her foot down that she will not be available to your aunt that day for anything.

charlotte989875 · August 2020

Like everyone else I think you have to decide if you want her there, or you don’t. And not inviting her is totally fine. But don’t do a second choice streaming and dinner as the only invitation. If you invite her and she can’t come due to mobility/transportation then you could offer to stream and send her dinner, but I would not make this the only invitation she is extended.

Presumably everyone here is an adult and while they may not get on with one another they can tolerate being in the same room for a wedding.

STARMOON44 · August 2020

Obviously yes. Either invite her or don’t and deal with the consequences.

knottie993151e6061f392e · August 2020

charlotte989875 said:

Like everyone else I think you have to decide if you want her there, or you don’t. And not inviting her is totally fine. But don’t do a second choice streaming and dinner as the only invitation. If you invite her and she can’t come due to mobility/transportation then you could offer to stream and send her dinner, but I would not make this the only invitation she is extended.

Presumably everyone here is an adult and while they may not get on with one another they can tolerate being in the same room for a wedding.

Hey Charlotte, yes I think this would be a better way to approach it because I think she will say no anyway.

knottie993151e6061f392e · August 2020

mrsconn23 said:

Do you even want her there? There's nothing that you've written that says you genuinely *like* your aunt. It reads as you maintain a relationship with her out of obligation/family ties, but not because you actually want to do so. Why does that fall to you and your sister? Your mom and your aunt clearly do not want anything to do with one another for whatever reason.

But I agree with PP that you cannot do this weird hybrid streaming and dinner delivery. Even if you don't intend for it to be so, it's really insulting. Either invite her or don't. If you choose to invite her, your sister needs to put her foot down that she will not be available to your aunt that day for anything.

Thank you for your reply. It is quite complicated. She never married or had kids. She has 1 friend who is married and has her own life and lives an hour away. Her brother died, my grandma (her mother died), and she only has 1 sibling (my mother) and myself and my sister. So since grandma died and she doesn't speak to my parents, my sister and I are really the only ones that speak to her at all. I love her of course, I just don't agree with a lot of the choices she makes and I suppose a part of it is about obligation as being 1 of 2 people in her family anymore.

Yeah, when the time comes I will invite her but let her know the details, how far away it is, the cost of everything etc and let it be her decision. And then, if she declines, I will suggest live streaming if she wants too as an option. And I will make my sister stay the night before so she can't drive her haha

P.S. I love how direct people are on these forums, really helps make a decision and cuts straight to the point - love it!

knottie993151e6061f392e · August 2020

downtondiva said:

Either you invite your aunt or you don't. Live streaming a wedding for someone (and whatever else accompanies that - dinner, flowers, etc.) is for people who you invited who cannot make it because of medical reasons, having a baby, etc. It's not an alternative to actually inviting someone because you're trying to avoid conflict.

I completely understand why you're torn about this. There are a lot of factors to consider, including whether you think your parents and your aunt can adult enough, as @MyNameIsNot put it, to give each other a wide berth and not get into a fight at your wedding. Fortunately, you have some time to think about it. You don't have to make a decision about this today.

Absolutely, this is really well said - thank you. Thankfully, I have a while before any decisions need to be made. Nonetheless, it is something that is nagging me at the back of my mind. My mother will not fight with her and my aunt doesn't confront people, so nothing will kick off at the reception. My aunt would just be sitting at some random table with people she doesn't know - which she would hate (but hate less than sitting with my mum). Thank you for understanding haha

With all the other opinions above, I agree that I will provide her with the option of attending (but letting her know how far it is away, cost of accommodation, wearing formal attire, seating arrangements etc) and let her make up her own mind. If she says no, then I will suggest the live streaming as something that can be done if she wants it too. I didn't mean for it to come across that I wanted to make her feel like a reject but I suppose it does come across that way. I am sure other people have it way worse for family drama.

THANK YOU EVERYONE!

MesmrEwe · August 2020

As others mentioned "Either invite her or you don't"...

Having been through one of those dynamics... Here's what I did... I invited my grandfather (who I had closed out of my life for reasons), expected him to behave as an adult like any other guest because much like you I was conflicted (their relationship is not my relationship but knew there'd be even more friction if I didn't invite him)... At the ceremony I was told he'd been having chest pains - so what do I do, tell my SIL who was an ER nurse at the time "here's where the AED is stored on-site.. Helicopter landing pad if necessary.." at our venue... And treated him no better no worse than any other guest at our wedding.

As for the family property that's not a venue, consider you're going to have unintended costs that could add up to more than hiring a nicer venue. ("in case of rain" factors, bathrooms/hand washing, seating for ceremony and reception, tables, plates/utensils, landscaping - bug spraying/mosquito mitigation, liability factors, etc.)

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