My future sister in law wants to get married 2 weeks before us

knottie6e5fd9e57cca8529 · October 2020

I am new to this...

I have been very chill about all my wedding planning and shared all my ideas and info with my soon to be sister-in-law. We got engaged back in June and have had our venue and date set since that same week. However, my fiancé's sister got engaged about a month ago (End of September), she informed us over the weekend that she would like to have her wedding only 2 weeks before ours. She asked if we would be ok with that and we replied that we would not, as we felt it was too close for friends and family to attend both weddings (we have very similar friend groups as we live in a small town). we proposed that she could either do it a month before us or after us, or even 2 weeks after us. She has family coming from out of the province, which I understand but they came this year at the end of august so I am confused why they cant come the same time next year. Regardless of this, she got very defensive and was basically threatening my fiancé (her brother) that she should not "try him". She also commented on the amount of money we are spending on this wedding and that she regrets the amount she spent on her first. because she is more mature now... It is important to note she is NOT even divorced yet from her first husband. how can you set a date if you are not even divorced and they have a very bad relationship (he is not supportive of her new fiancé at all). I don't think it is asking too much to have it a month before or after us. We are also in the process of building a house that we will be finishing around the same time, making us very busy in addition to planning our own wedding. There are also 4 birthday within that month on both sides of our family, making it a VERY busy month.

Can someone please tell me if I am acting crazy? I just want there to be more than one weekend between our weddings. She didn't seem keen on having hers 2 weeks after ours, which makes me wonder if she just wants to be married first?? iMy fiancé (her brother) feels the same if not worse about the situation, we have had a few issues with his sister in the past and this same kind of behaviour.

levioosa · October 2020

knottie6e5fd9e57cca8529 said:

I am new to this...

I have been very chill about all my wedding planning and shared all my ideas and info with my soon to be sister-in-law. We got engaged back in June and have had our venue and date set since that same week. However, my fiancé's sister got engaged about a month ago (End of September), she informed us over the weekend that she would like to have her wedding only 2 weeks before ours. She asked if we would be ok with that and we replied that we would not, as we felt it was too close for friends and family to attend both weddings (we have very similar friend groups as we live in a small town). we proposed that she could either do it a month before us or after us, or even 2 weeks after us. She has family coming from out of the province, which I understand but they came this year at the end of august so I am confused why they cant come the same time next year. Regardless of this, she got very defensive and was basically threatening my fiancé (her brother) that she should not "try him". She also commented on the amount of money we are spending on this wedding and that she regrets the amount she spent on her first. because she is more mature now... It is important to note she is NOT even divorced yet from her first husband. how can you set a date if you are not even divorced and they have a very bad relationship (he is not supportive of her new fiancé at all). I don't think it is asking too much to have it a month before or after us. We are also in the process of building a house that we will be finishing around the same time, making us very busy in addition to planning our own wedding. There are also 4 birthday within that month on both sides of our family, making it a VERY busy month.

Can someone please tell me if I am acting crazy? I just want there to be more than one weekend between our weddings. She didn't seem keen on having hers 2 weeks after ours, which makes me wonder if she just wants to be married first?? iMy fiancé (her brother) feels the same if not worse about the situation, we have had a few issues with his sister in the past and this same kind of behaviour.

You get one day. Period. You don’t get to dictate the schedule of other people’s lives. So yes, you are being too much by expecting she move her date.

MyNameIsNot · October 2020

You were wrong to tell her that she couldn't get married two weeks before you. You get absolutely no say in when she gets married, and trying to claim the weeks before your wedding is over the top absurd. You need to apologize and back off.

flantastic · October 2020

You can express concern that family that has to travel may end up choosing one wedding instead of coming to both, but... that's just life. You'll get to see everyone either way. Actually, you'll probably get to see more of your family at the event you're not hosting.

Either way, she isn't doing anything wrong. Will your FI's parents have a ton going on at once? Yes. Will both of you get declines you might otherwise not have had? Probably. But you have no actual claim on a certain period of time surrounding your wedding.

Jen4948 · October 2020

I can understand feeling frustrated by the inconvenience to you and your relatives and friends, but....

It's her wedding. She and her fiance have the same right to pick the day that works for them as you and your fiance have to pick the day that works for you. You each get a day, and neither of you has the right to overrule the other's choice.

As the PP notes, you can express concern about the inconvenience to others, but that's all you can do.

climbingsingle · October 2020

Yes, you are acting crazy. You don't get to dictate to her when she's allowed to have her wedding.

ei34 · October 2020

The fact that you suggested she get married two weeks after makes it seem like you just don’t want her getting married first. Everyone gets one day.

short+sassy · October 2020

To be fair, I don't think you all did anything wrong in expressing your opinion that you all would prefer there be at least one month of separation, because she asked for your opinion/preference.

But you all only get to tell her your preference once. When she asked. They can also choose to disregard it.

I'll be the UO on the board that, unless there were other extenuating circumstances, I do think it was kind of crappy of them to plan their wedding so close to an immediate family member. I don't think they should have, especially when you all expressed your discomfort. But that was also their choice to make. It is technically correct etiquette-wise and also isn't your all's place to say anything (outside of when she asked for your opinion).

Going forward, don't let this put a damper on your all's day. I'm sure you all will still have an amazing wedding, filled with friends, family, happiness, and love.

If the month turns out to be too busy, "no" is a complete sentence. If you all don't have the time to attend all the birthday parties, then don't. If she and her FI need help with their wedding preparations or have all kinds of pre-wedding festivities, don't go to what you don't have time for. Just make sure declines are not done out of pettiness.

banana468 · October 2020

I'm kind of with @short+sassy here but a lot depends on what's involved.

Frankly, with anything like this I'd say you check with the VIPs. Beyond the sibling then FSIL would also need to check with parents and his parents.

I will argue that weddings two weeks apart for siblings is a bit much for an immediate household. That said, she isn't YOUR sister so it should be less of an issue for you both.

Because she isn't your sister and she isn't even divorced yet I think you need to let that part go. All you can do is continue to reiterate that you know that the time is not convenient as you'll be planning for your own upcoming wedding but I would also not act out of spite either.

MobKaz · October 2020

short+sassy said:

To be fair, I don't think you all did anything wrong in expressing your opinion that you all would prefer there be at least one month of separation, because she asked for your opinion/preference.

But you all only get to tell her your preference once. When she asked. They can also choose to disregard it.

I'll be the UO on the board that, unless there were other extenuating circumstances, I do think it was kind of crappy of them to plan their wedding so close to an immediate family member. I don't think they should have, especially when you all expressed your discomfort. But that was also their choice to make. It is technically correct etiquette-wise and also isn't your all's place to say anything (outside of when she asked for your opinion).

Going forward, don't let this put a damper on your all's day. I'm sure you all will still have an amazing wedding, filled with friends, family, happiness, and love.

If the month turns out to be too busy, "no" is a complete sentence. If you all don't have the time to attend all the birthday parties, then don't. If she and her FI need help with their wedding preparations or have all kinds of pre-wedding festivities, don't go to what you don't have time for. Just make sure declines are not done out of pettiness.

This is where I get frustrated. Do not ask for an opinion or answer to a question when your intent is to do what you want anyway. It seems antagonistic and a way to open the door for unsolicited input regarding OP's wedding.

If her soon-to-be EX is a toad, he may deliberately slow divorce proceedings and then all will be moot.

My future sister in law wants to get married 2 weeks before us

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