Sister in Law Steals Thunder

Re: Sister in Law Steals Thunder

• MesmrEwe member

  

  June 2021

  knottie5cd5739f3813ce4a said:

  I should start off by saying I am a very quiet, go-with-the-flow kind of person who does not like to be the center of attention. I’ve never had birthday parties or anything growing up and I’ve always felt undeserving  when anyone makes a big deal over me for something. That beating said, ever since I got engaged to my fiancé I have been looking forward to our wedding SO much. And part of that excitement is looking forward to feeling special for that one day and having everyone’s attention - in particular the attention of my future in laws. 

  
  

  I love my fiancé’s family. They’re all really great people - and his mom and I are great together. Ive known them all for years. The only person I can’t get along with his my fiancé’s brothers wife, Meg (who has been in the family less time than I have). She has a polar opposite personality to me and we just don’t mesh. I’ve always felt like I’m in competition with her to be the favorite daughter in law (and future daughter in law). Everyone cried at her wedding and made a huge deal of it. They talked for months about how perfect it was. She’s loud and funny and outgoing and outspoken and blunt. They all think she’s amazing and they love her. To be fair - They feel the same way about me, but I make a conscious effort to be sweet and helpful and kind and gain everyone’s affection. Meg just exists and everyone loves her. So I’ve always been jealous of that and I’ve always been trying to win everyone’s affection.

  
  

  Anyways, for the last 7 months I’ve been picturing my fiancé’s family being so happy at our wedding: crying at our vows or first dance, his mom getting ready with the bridal party, his brother giving a moving best man speech, etc. I’ve even pictured his extended family (who I’m close with) in that way. My fiancé and I are paying for the wedding ourselves and planning the whole thing. His mom has been helping give her input here and there which I've really liked too. I’ve liked feeling like she cares and is exited. This has been such a fun time up until now. 

  
  

  A month ago Meg announced that she’s pregnant with the first grandchild in the family. That’s great news and I’m genuinely happy for her and my future brother in law. But it turns out that the first time everyone will get to meet the new baby will be at our wedding. And now that’s all anyone can talk about.
  
  My fiancé’s mom has only spoken of our wedding since then in relation to the baby: how exited she is to meet the baby, how she’s going to have so much fun the week of our wedding getting to be with the baby. She even asked me if we could have our wedding photographer do a special photoshoot of Meg’s family with the baby and all the generations of grandparents and all AT the wedding!
  

  
  

  Maybe I’m a horrible person for feeling this way, but I can’t help feeling so jealous and sad about this. The one day that I wanted to feel special is now no longer about me. It’s about the first baby and Meg. Everyone’s attention has been stolen. I’m old news. I’m not important if I’m not the mother of the first grandchild.

  
  

  I’ve been trying for a month to deal with my feelings and get okay. But I haven’t been able to. Every time my fiancé’s family talks about the baby and how they can’t wait to meet him/her at the wedding it feels like a punch in the gut. 
  

  
  

  Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with these feelings and stop being sad that my one day is being overshadowed? I hate myself for feeling this way.

  Your feelings are your feelings.  Better to vent it out here than to them FWIW.  I'd recommend going to your baker, purchasing a cupcake in your favorite flavor, booking some alone time with your favorite beverage, and have a "Pity party for one" because this is something as a variable you don't get to control.  Also know, it's okay to have a session or two with someone neutral and/or professional that you can vent about this to with the intent of releasing your energy along with recognizing that your wedding will still be special regardless of the baby or not.  
  
  Your option is basically if you haven't booked vendors to change the date or realize that plan your bridal shower if someone chooses to throw one for that side of the family may very well be a combined baby shower, and that's okay.  There are some things you've got to be ready for as well.  First - your SIL may not be able to attend the ceremony/part of the reception as she may need to attend to the baby's needs or depending on how old the baby is at the time, she may not yet fully be recovered.  Newborns are on their own schedule, and it's not yours so if FBIL was going to be part of the WP recognize that he's going to be pulled away for those responsibilities to his new family in the planning and day-of.  OTOH, the baby could sleep through your ceremony or you may need to plan a cry area.  Your SIL may also decide because of current circumstances with Covid and potentially flu season she doesn't want the baby handed off to everyone and anyone at your wedding.  Or, there's also the unlikely event that the baby or new Mom may have a health concern and won't even be able to attend your wedding, the baby is still a newborn, recognize their attendance may be a "Game day decision"!  
  
  As for the picture of the grandparents with the first Grandbaby - think of it as you've got your Christmas gift figured out for them.  One picture in the span of the thousands your photographer will take over the course of the day is not worth getting frustrated about.  It can be taken while you're getting ready without you even needing to be there for it!  
  
  It's all going to work out and the new baby isn't going to steal your thunder as the bride.  Remember focus on everyone attending, not just two guests and taking time the day-of to enjoy the moment with your FI.  Focus on your marriage and realize this gives you the opportunity to have conversations relating to all things kids for you and FI - something that many overlook in the planning that ends up being a deal breaker down the road.  It's all going to work out!

  

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• charlotte989875 member

  

  June 2021

  The baby (& their parents) will have to go sleep/ eat/  change at some point so the attention won’t always be on the baby. I’m kidding, sort of. 

  
  

  It seems like you’re feelings of not being the center of attention are all coming out toward Meg and that’s not fair to her. You said she gained their love just by existing & that you worked for it- but did you get you FILs the chance to love you just for you? It’s not her fault you didn’t have birthday parties growing up, nor that she’s having a baby right before your wedding- she’s not having a baby at you. 

  
  

  People will be happy to see the baby, but that doesn’t mean they won’t also be so excited for tour wedding! You’re not old news just because there is a baby & I think you’re the only one thinking that way! On the day everyone will be there to celebrate you. The baby is a benefit of course and just something you’re going to have to come to terms with. Let yourself feel a little sad but then remember at the end of that day you’ll be married to a FI who loves you and a family who seems to have welcomed and loved you also. This is a great thing and worth focusing on. 

  

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• climbingsingle NYC 'burbs member

  

  June 2021

  charlotte989875 said:

  The baby (& their parents) will have to go sleep/ eat/  change at some point so the attention won’t always be on the baby. I’m kidding, sort of. 

  
  

  It seems like you’re feelings of not being the center of attention are all coming out toward Meg and that’s not fair to her. You said she gained their love just by existing & that you worked for it- but did you get you FILs the chance to love you just for you? It’s not her fault you didn’t have birthday parties growing up, nor that she’s having a baby right before your wedding- she’s not having a baby at you. 

  
  

  People will be happy to see the baby, but that doesn’t mean they won’t also be so excited for tour wedding! You’re not old news just because there is a baby & I think you’re the only one thinking that way! On the day everyone will be there to celebrate you. The baby is a benefit of course and just something you’re going to have to come to terms with. Let yourself feel a little sad but then remember at the end of that day you’ll be married to a FI who loves you and a family who seems to have welcomed and loved you also. This is a great thing and worth focusing on. 

  I'm just going to ditto all of this. It sounds like a lot of this you sort of created in your head. How is any of this her fault? 
  
  People can be excited for both things - your wedding and her baby. Why are you so focused on needing ALL the attention? You're marrying a person that you love and loves you? Why is that not enough?

  

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• MyNameIsNot Atlanta member

  

  June 2021

  I would strongly recommend working this out with a therapist. Sure, it's natural to be a little disappointed to not be the center of the universe, but it sounds like this is much bigger than that. 
  
  It sounds like you're struggling with a lot of insecurity and it's manifesting itself as jealousy that is impacting your ability to have a good relationship with Meg, and potentially the rest of your ILs. Everyone has feelings of insecurity, but it would be wise to try to work those out with a professional and learn some appropriate tools to cope. If you continue to let this fester, you're going to wind up making yourself miserable. You don't have to live this way. 

  

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• geebee908 member

  

  June 2021

  I would agree that you're focusing on this issue a bit too much. You make it seem like your in-laws will be the only ones attending, but there will be others who won't be interested in the baby and will be focused on you two. Focus on enjoying your time with those people. Agree with others that therapy will help you have a healthy relationship with your in-laws.

  

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• short+sassy member

  

  June 2021

  PPs have already given other good advice.
  
  But I also wanted to caution you, not to set yourself up for failure and disappointment.  It sounds like you have a lot of high expectations for the day, including how people are going to react.  But nothing in life ever happens in the "perfect" way we envision it, in our minds.
  
  There are probably going to be at least minor things that go wrong.  Or maybe your FI's Aunt Susie cried at Meg's wedding, but doesn't at your all's.  That's okay!  It's still going to be a day where you and your FI will be surrounded by love and joy and your all's nearest and dearest there to celebrate with you.  Let yourself be swept up in those feelings and live the day for what it is.  If things happen differently than the way you want them to, don't let that rob you of any happiness.

  

  

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• banana468 member

  

  June 2021

  I'm going to echo everyone else. 
  
  The way I'm interpreting your post you have a vision in your head of the wedding, the planning and how things should flow and the baby just threw a monkey wrench into this and you can't process it.
  
  I'm going to repeat a couple adages: 
  -Life is what happens while you make plans.
  -Expectations are the foundations of disappointment. 
  
  Your wedding is your wedding.  It's also a family event.  If they're there with baby in tow then that's ALSO a celebration that won't take from your wedding just like you'll be excited to see other guests.  Take the photos with the baby!  You'll both be the newest family members!  You don't need to ask your photographer to turn their job into a newborn photo shoot but incorporating some extended family photographs sounds great. 
  
  And on your wedding day keep in mind that the baby won't be the only other thing people will discuss.  Now that my H and I are married nearly a decade and a half I know I'm going to spend all of 2.3 minutes with the new couple.  I go because of the other guests I'll see.  If it was only about spending time with the bride and groom then I'd have unfair expectations as a guest!  
  
  Weddings also rarely go according to plan.   Know that part of entering into married life is knowing to go with the flow. 

  

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• Jen4948 Houston member

  

  June 2021 edited June 2021

  You can feel as disappointed and hurt as you like, but how you deal with those feelings is another matter.
  
  As PPs have said, you might be dwelling on it to an unhealthy extent. Some of that, it sounds like, is generated simply by your MIL-to-be's requests for baby photography at the wedding. You can tell her that while you're happy about the baby, family photo shoots at the wedding are about the wedding and that baby photo shoots will have to take place separately. You still might consider having the baby in a few photos.
  
  You can also try redirecting her attention when she overwhelms you with baby talk when you try to talk about the wedding: "FI and I aren't doing that. What do you think about X?" That's a technique also known as "bean-dipping." "No, she isn't coming. Bean dip?"
  

  

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• knottie5cd5739f3813ce4a member

  

  June 2021

  MesmrEwe said:

  knottie5cd5739f3813ce4a said:

  I should start off by saying I am a very quiet, go-with-the-flow kind of person who does not like to be the center of attention. I’ve never had birthday parties or anything growing up and I’ve always felt undeserving  when anyone makes a big deal over me for something. That beating said, ever since I got engaged to my fiancé I have been looking forward to our wedding SO much. And part of that excitement is looking forward to feeling special for that one day and having everyone’s attention - in particular the attention of my future in laws. 

  
  

  I love my fiancé’s family. They’re all really great people - and his mom and I are great together. Ive known them all for years. The only person I can’t get along with his my fiancé’s brothers wife, Meg (who has been in the family less time than I have). She has a polar opposite personality to me and we just don’t mesh. I’ve always felt like I’m in competition with her to be the favorite daughter in law (and future daughter in law). Everyone cried at her wedding and made a huge deal of it. They talked for months about how perfect it was. She’s loud and funny and outgoing and outspoken and blunt. They all think she’s amazing and they love her. To be fair - They feel the same way about me, but I make a conscious effort to be sweet and helpful and kind and gain everyone’s affection. Meg just exists and everyone loves her. So I’ve always been jealous of that and I’ve always been trying to win everyone’s affection.

  
  

  Anyways, for the last 7 months I’ve been picturing my fiancé’s family being so happy at our wedding: crying at our vows or first dance, his mom getting ready with the bridal party, his brother giving a moving best man speech, etc. I’ve even pictured his extended family (who I’m close with) in that way. My fiancé and I are paying for the wedding ourselves and planning the whole thing. His mom has been helping give her input here and there which I've really liked too. I’ve liked feeling like she cares and is exited. This has been such a fun time up until now. 

  
  

  A month ago Meg announced that she’s pregnant with the first grandchild in the family. That’s great news and I’m genuinely happy for her and my future brother in law. But it turns out that the first time everyone will get to meet the new baby will be at our wedding. And now that’s all anyone can talk about.
  
  My fiancé’s mom has only spoken of our wedding since then in relation to the baby: how exited she is to meet the baby, how she’s going to have so much fun the week of our wedding getting to be with the baby. She even asked me if we could have our wedding photographer do a special photoshoot of Meg’s family with the baby and all the generations of grandparents and all AT the wedding!
  

  
  

  Maybe I’m a horrible person for feeling this way, but I can’t help feeling so jealous and sad about this. The one day that I wanted to feel special is now no longer about me. It’s about the first baby and Meg. Everyone’s attention has been stolen. I’m old news. I’m not important if I’m not the mother of the first grandchild.

  
  

  I’ve been trying for a month to deal with my feelings and get okay. But I haven’t been able to. Every time my fiancé’s family talks about the baby and how they can’t wait to meet him/her at the wedding it feels like a punch in the gut. 
  

  
  

  Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with these feelings and stop being sad that my one day is being overshadowed? I hate myself for feeling this way.

  Your feelings are your feelings.  Better to vent it out here than to them FWIW.  I'd recommend going to your baker, purchasing a cupcake in your favorite flavor, booking some alone time with your favorite beverage, and have a "Pity party for one" because this is something as a variable you don't get to control.  Also know, it's okay to have a session or two with someone neutral and/or professional that you can vent about this to with the intent of releasing your energy along with recognizing that your wedding will still be special regardless of the baby or not.  
  
  Your option is basically if you haven't booked vendors to change the date or realize that plan your bridal shower if someone chooses to throw one for that side of the family may very well be a combined baby shower, and that's okay.  There are some things you've got to be ready for as well.  First - your SIL may not be able to attend the ceremony/part of the reception as she may need to attend to the baby's needs or depending on how old the baby is at the time, she may not yet fully be recovered.  Newborns are on their own schedule, and it's not yours so if FBIL was going to be part of the WP recognize that he's going to be pulled away for those responsibilities to his new family in the planning and day-of.  OTOH, the baby could sleep through your ceremony or you may need to plan a cry area.  Your SIL may also decide because of current circumstances with Covid and potentially flu season she doesn't want the baby handed off to everyone and anyone at your wedding.  Or, there's also the unlikely event that the baby or new Mom may have a health concern and won't even be able to attend your wedding, the baby is still a newborn, recognize their attendance may be a "Game day decision"!  
  
  As for the picture of the grandparents with the first Grandbaby - think of it as you've got your Christmas gift figured out for them.  One picture in the span of the thousands your photographer will take over the course of the day is not worth getting frustrated about.  It can be taken while you're getting ready without you even needing to be there for it!  
  
  It's all going to work out and the new baby isn't going to steal your thunder as the bride.  Remember focus on everyone attending, not just two guests and taking time the day-of to enjoy the moment with your FI.  Focus on your marriage and realize this gives you the opportunity to have conversations relating to all things kids for you and FI - something that many overlook in the planning that ends up being a deal breaker down the road.  It's all going to work out!

  Thank you so much for saying all of that! That helps me put it in perspective instead of assuming exactly how everything will happen. I agree that the most important thing is marrying my fiance and nothing will take away how important our wedding and marriage are to the two of us. Plus who knows, maybe my FSIL being pregnant will give her and I something to talk about and bond over. That would certainly help.

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• knottie5cd5739f3813ce4a member

  

  June 2021

  charlotte989875 said:

  The baby (& their parents) will have to go sleep/ eat/  change at some point so the attention won’t always be on the baby. I’m kidding, sort of. 

  
  

  It seems like you’re feelings of not being the center of attention are all coming out toward Meg and that’s not fair to her. You said she gained their love just by existing & that you worked for it- but did you get you FILs the chance to love you just for you? It’s not her fault you didn’t have birthday parties growing up, nor that she’s having a baby right before your wedding- she’s not having a baby at you. 

  
  

  People will be happy to see the baby, but that doesn’t mean they won’t also be so excited for tour wedding! You’re not old news just because there is a baby & I think you’re the only one thinking that way! On the day everyone will be there to celebrate you. The baby is a benefit of course and just something you’re going to have to come to terms with. Let yourself feel a little sad but then remember at the end of that day you’ll be married to a FI who loves you and a family who seems to have welcomed and loved you also. This is a great thing and worth focusing on. 

  Thank you for helping put it in perspective! I probably should have been more clear in my original post - I certainly don't blame my FSIL for having a baby. I agree she hasn't done anything wrong and I'm really happy for her and my FBIL. I'm just disappointed in how the timing of everything worked out. 
  
  Also, my note at the beginning was not meant to be a complaint about never getting to be the center of attention. I meant that I have never wanted to be the center of attention. So it's a bummer that I feel a little overshadowed the one time that I do want to be the center of attention to the people I care about. 
  
  I agree that I need to focus on my fiance and our marriage and try not to overthink this so much. Thank you for your comment!

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• knottie5cd5739f3813ce4a member

  

  June 2021

  climbingsingle said:

  charlotte989875 said:

  The baby (& their parents) will have to go sleep/ eat/  change at some point so the attention won’t always be on the baby. I’m kidding, sort of. 

  
  

  It seems like you’re feelings of not being the center of attention are all coming out toward Meg and that’s not fair to her. You said she gained their love just by existing & that you worked for it- but did you get you FILs the chance to love you just for you? It’s not her fault you didn’t have birthday parties growing up, nor that she’s having a baby right before your wedding- she’s not having a baby at you. 

  
  

  People will be happy to see the baby, but that doesn’t mean they won’t also be so excited for tour wedding! You’re not old news just because there is a baby & I think you’re the only one thinking that way! On the day everyone will be there to celebrate you. The baby is a benefit of course and just something you’re going to have to come to terms with. Let yourself feel a little sad but then remember at the end of that day you’ll be married to a FI who loves you and a family who seems to have welcomed and loved you also. This is a great thing and worth focusing on. 

  I'm just going to ditto all of this. It sounds like a lot of this you sort of created in your head. How is any of this her fault? 
  
  People can be excited for both things - your wedding and her baby. Why are you so focused on needing ALL the attention? You're marrying a person that you love and loves you? Why is that not enough?

  
  I agree I've probably built this up in my head too much. And of course nothing is my FSIL's fault. As I mentioned in my reply to Charlotte I don't blame my SIL for anything. I'm genuinely happy for her and her husband. I'm just bummed that the timing worked out the way it did.
  
  In reply to your last questions, if the wedding day was only about my FH and I then we would just elope. We both really wanted to have a wedding with our families there to celebrate with us. And I certainly don't need ALL the attention. I just wanted to feel at least equally important to my future family. Maybe everyone really is excited about both the wedding and the baby - the things they say just make me feel like they're not. But once again, that could be me reading into things too much.
  
   The best thing I can do is just focus on my FH.Thanks for your input!

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• knottie5cd5739f3813ce4a member

  

  June 2021

  MyNameIsNot said:

  I would strongly recommend working this out with a therapist. Sure, it's natural to be a little disappointed to not be the center of the universe, but it sounds like this is much bigger than that. 
  
  It sounds like you're struggling with a lot of insecurity and it's manifesting itself as jealousy that is impacting your ability to have a good relationship with Meg, and potentially the rest of your ILs. Everyone has feelings of insecurity, but it would be wise to try to work those out with a professional and learn some appropriate tools to cope. If you continue to let this fester, you're going to wind up making yourself miserable. You don't have to live this way. 

  You hit the nail on the head. I definitely have issues with feeling insecure. I'll look into seeing a therapist. I definitely don't want to be feeling this way for the next year. 
  
  Thanks for the advice!

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• knottie5cd5739f3813ce4a member

  

  June 2021

  short+sassy said:

  PPs have already given other good advice.
  
  But I also wanted to caution you, not to set yourself up for failure and disappointment.  It sounds like you have a lot of high expectations for the day, including how people are going to react.  But nothing in life ever happens in the "perfect" way we envision it, in our minds.
  
  There are probably going to be at least minor things that go wrong.  Or maybe your FI's Aunt Susie cried at Meg's wedding, but doesn't at your all's.  That's okay!  It's still going to be a day where you and your FI will be surrounded by love and joy and your all's nearest and dearest there to celebrate with you.  Let yourself be swept up in those feelings and live the day for what it is.  If things happen differently than the way you want them to, don't let that rob you of any happiness.

  You're exactly right! I've never had high expectations for the day itself being perfect. But I do have expectations for how people will react, which is pretty silly of me. Thank you for the reminder that it's still going to be a great celebration of our love with the people we love. That helps a lot!

  

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• knottie5cd5739f3813ce4a member

  

  June 2021

  Jen4948 said:

  You can feel as disappointed and hurt as you like, but how you deal with those feelings is another matter.
  
  As PPs have said, you might be dwelling on it to an unhealthy extent. Some of that, it sounds like, is generated simply by your MIL-to-be's requests for baby photography at the wedding. You can tell her that while you're happy about the baby, family photo shoots at the wedding are about the wedding and that baby photo shoots will have to take place separately. You still might consider having the baby in a few photos.
  
  You can also try redirecting her attention when she overwhelms you with baby talk when try to talk about the wedding: "FI and I aren't doing that. What do you think about X?" That's a technique also known as "bean-dipping." "No, she isn't coming. Bean dip?"
  

  I LOVE this. You're right - my FMIL asking for the photoshoot really rubbed me the wrong way. Of course I was already planning to have family portraits with the baby anyway and I'm still planning to. But it bothered me that she made a point to request that and keeps talking about it. I'll have to try bean-dipping next time. That's hilarious. 

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• banana468 member

  

  June 2021

  Also, I think that there are some moms out there who are excited to see their kids get married but they are over the MOON to see them reproduce.  
  
  It doesn't happen for everyone but I wonder if your MIL may be the type to just be beyond excited to become a grandma and that's why she's doing this.  It does not mean that your photographer should become an infant photographer but I can understand based on what I've seen that what she's asking isn't what I wouldn't expect to see from other moms. 

  

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• climbingsingle NYC 'burbs member

  

  June 2021

  knottie5cd5739f3813ce4a said:

  climbingsingle said:

  charlotte989875 said:

  The baby (& their parents) will have to go sleep/ eat/  change at some point so the attention won’t always be on the baby. I’m kidding, sort of. 

  
  

  It seems like you’re feelings of not being the center of attention are all coming out toward Meg and that’s not fair to her. You said she gained their love just by existing & that you worked for it- but did you get you FILs the chance to love you just for you? It’s not her fault you didn’t have birthday parties growing up, nor that she’s having a baby right before your wedding- she’s not having a baby at you. 

  
  

  People will be happy to see the baby, but that doesn’t mean they won’t also be so excited for tour wedding! You’re not old news just because there is a baby & I think you’re the only one thinking that way! On the day everyone will be there to celebrate you. The baby is a benefit of course and just something you’re going to have to come to terms with. Let yourself feel a little sad but then remember at the end of that day you’ll be married to a FI who loves you and a family who seems to have welcomed and loved you also. This is a great thing and worth focusing on. 

  I'm just going to ditto all of this. It sounds like a lot of this you sort of created in your head. How is any of this her fault? 
  
  People can be excited for both things - your wedding and her baby. Why are you so focused on needing ALL the attention? You're marrying a person that you love and loves you? Why is that not enough?

  
  I agree I've probably built this up in my head too much. And of course nothing is my FSIL's fault. As I mentioned in my reply to Charlotte I don't blame my SIL for anything. I'm genuinely happy for her and her husband. I'm just bummed that the timing worked out the way it did.
  
  In reply to your last questions, if the wedding day was only about my FH and I then we would just elope. We both really wanted to have a wedding with our families there to celebrate with us. And I certainly don't need ALL the attention. I just wanted to feel at least equally important to my future family. Maybe everyone really is excited about both the wedding and the baby - the things they say just make me feel like they're not. But once again, that could be me reading into things too much.
  
   The best thing I can do is just focus on my FH.Thanks for your input!

  I totally get it, as I'm guilty of working myself up and being in my head about things too. And I understand being disappointed and bummed too. 
  
  The wedding day is not just about you and your FI. My point was more to that should be the focus of the day. You're marrying your partner. People can be excited for both things. How do you know you're not as important? Why does that even matter?

  

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