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Sister in Law Steals Thunder
I should start off by saying I am a very quiet, go-with-the-flow kind of person who does not like to be the center of attention. I’ve never had birthday parties or anything growing up and I’ve always felt undeserving when anyone makes a big deal over me for something. That beating said, ever since I got engaged to my fiancé I have been looking forward to our wedding SO much. And part of that excitement is looking forward to feeling special for that one day and having everyone’s attention - in particular the attention of my future in laws.
I love my fiancé’s family. They’re all really great people - and his mom and I are great together. Ive known them all for years. The only person I can’t get along with his my fiancé’s brothers wife, Meg (who has been in the family less time than I have). She has a polar opposite personality to me and we just don’t mesh. I’ve always felt like I’m in competition with her to be the favorite daughter in law (and future daughter in law). Everyone cried at her wedding and made a huge deal of it. They talked for months about how perfect it was. She’s loud and funny and outgoing and outspoken and blunt. They all think she’s amazing and they love her. To be fair - They feel the same way about me, but I make a conscious effort to be sweet and helpful and kind and gain everyone’s affection. Meg just exists and everyone loves her. So I’ve always been jealous of that and I’ve always been trying to win everyone’s affection.
Anyways, for the last 7 months I’ve been picturing my fiancé’s family being so happy at our wedding: crying at our vows or first dance, his mom getting ready with the bridal party, his brother giving a moving best man speech, etc. I’ve even pictured his extended family (who I’m close with) in that way. My fiancé and I are paying for the wedding ourselves and planning the whole thing. His mom has been helping give her input here and there which I've really liked too. I’ve liked feeling like she cares and is exited. This has been such a fun time up until now.
A month ago Meg announced that she’s pregnant with the first grandchild in the family. That’s great news and I’m genuinely happy for her and my future brother in law. But it turns out that the first time everyone will get to meet the new baby will be at our wedding. And now that’s all anyone can talk about.
My fiancé’s mom has only spoken of our wedding since then in relation to the baby: how exited she is to meet the baby, how she’s going to have so much fun the week of our wedding getting to be with the baby. She even asked me if we could have our wedding photographer do a special photoshoot of Meg’s family with the baby and all the generations of grandparents and all AT the wedding!
My fiancé’s mom has only spoken of our wedding since then in relation to the baby: how exited she is to meet the baby, how she’s going to have so much fun the week of our wedding getting to be with the baby. She even asked me if we could have our wedding photographer do a special photoshoot of Meg’s family with the baby and all the generations of grandparents and all AT the wedding!
Maybe I’m a horrible person for feeling this way, but I can’t help feeling so jealous and sad about this. The one day that I wanted to feel special is now no longer about me. It’s about the first baby and Meg. Everyone’s attention has been stolen. I’m old news. I’m not important if I’m not the mother of the first grandchild.
I’ve been trying for a month to deal with my feelings and get okay. But I haven’t been able to. Every time my fiancé’s family talks about the baby and how they can’t wait to meet him/her at the wedding it feels like a punch in the gut.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with these feelings and stop being sad that my one day is being overshadowed? I hate myself for feeling this way.
Re: Sister in Law Steals Thunder
Your option is basically if you haven't booked vendors to change the date or realize that plan your bridal shower if someone chooses to throw one for that side of the family may very well be a combined baby shower, and that's okay. There are some things you've got to be ready for as well. First - your SIL may not be able to attend the ceremony/part of the reception as she may need to attend to the baby's needs or depending on how old the baby is at the time, she may not yet fully be recovered. Newborns are on their own schedule, and it's not yours so if FBIL was going to be part of the WP recognize that he's going to be pulled away for those responsibilities to his new family in the planning and day-of. OTOH, the baby could sleep through your ceremony or you may need to plan a cry area. Your SIL may also decide because of current circumstances with Covid and potentially flu season she doesn't want the baby handed off to everyone and anyone at your wedding. Or, there's also the unlikely event that the baby or new Mom may have a health concern and won't even be able to attend your wedding, the baby is still a newborn, recognize their attendance may be a "Game day decision"!
As for the picture of the grandparents with the first Grandbaby - think of it as you've got your Christmas gift figured out for them. One picture in the span of the thousands your photographer will take over the course of the day is not worth getting frustrated about. It can be taken while you're getting ready without you even needing to be there for it!
It's all going to work out and the new baby isn't going to steal your thunder as the bride. Remember focus on everyone attending, not just two guests and taking time the day-of to enjoy the moment with your FI. Focus on your marriage and realize this gives you the opportunity to have conversations relating to all things kids for you and FI - something that many overlook in the planning that ends up being a deal breaker down the road. It's all going to work out!
People can be excited for both things - your wedding and her baby. Why are you so focused on needing ALL the attention? You're marrying a person that you love and loves you? Why is that not enough?
It sounds like you're struggling with a lot of insecurity and it's manifesting itself as jealousy that is impacting your ability to have a good relationship with Meg, and potentially the rest of your ILs. Everyone has feelings of insecurity, but it would be wise to try to work those out with a professional and learn some appropriate tools to cope. If you continue to let this fester, you're going to wind up making yourself miserable. You don't have to live this way.
But I also wanted to caution you, not to set yourself up for failure and disappointment. It sounds like you have a lot of high expectations for the day, including how people are going to react. But nothing in life ever happens in the "perfect" way we envision it, in our minds.
There are probably going to be at least minor things that go wrong. Or maybe your FI's Aunt Susie cried at Meg's wedding, but doesn't at your all's. That's okay! It's still going to be a day where you and your FI will be surrounded by love and joy and your all's nearest and dearest there to celebrate with you. Let yourself be swept up in those feelings and live the day for what it is. If things happen differently than the way you want them to, don't let that rob you of any happiness.
The way I'm interpreting your post you have a vision in your head of the wedding, the planning and how things should flow and the baby just threw a monkey wrench into this and you can't process it.
I'm going to repeat a couple adages:
-Life is what happens while you make plans.
-Expectations are the foundations of disappointment.
Your wedding is your wedding. It's also a family event. If they're there with baby in tow then that's ALSO a celebration that won't take from your wedding just like you'll be excited to see other guests. Take the photos with the baby! You'll both be the newest family members! You don't need to ask your photographer to turn their job into a newborn photo shoot but incorporating some extended family photographs sounds great.
And on your wedding day keep in mind that the baby won't be the only other thing people will discuss. Now that my H and I are married nearly a decade and a half I know I'm going to spend all of 2.3 minutes with the new couple. I go because of the other guests I'll see. If it was only about spending time with the bride and groom then I'd have unfair expectations as a guest!
Weddings also rarely go according to plan. Know that part of entering into married life is knowing to go with the flow.
As PPs have said, you might be dwelling on it to an unhealthy extent. Some of that, it sounds like, is generated simply by your MIL-to-be's requests for baby photography at the wedding. You can tell her that while you're happy about the baby, family photo shoots at the wedding are about the wedding and that baby photo shoots will have to take place separately. You still might consider having the baby in a few photos.
You can also try redirecting her attention when she overwhelms you with baby talk when you try to talk about the wedding: "FI and I aren't doing that. What do you think about X?" That's a technique also known as "bean-dipping." "No, she isn't coming. Bean dip?"
Also, my note at the beginning was not meant to be a complaint about never getting to be the center of attention. I meant that I have never wanted to be the center of attention. So it's a bummer that I feel a little overshadowed the one time that I do want to be the center of attention to the people I care about.
I agree that I need to focus on my fiance and our marriage and try not to overthink this so much. Thank you for your comment!
I agree I've probably built this up in my head too much. And of course nothing is my FSIL's fault. As I mentioned in my reply to Charlotte I don't blame my SIL for anything. I'm genuinely happy for her and her husband. I'm just bummed that the timing worked out the way it did.
In reply to your last questions, if the wedding day was only about my FH and I then we would just elope. We both really wanted to have a wedding with our families there to celebrate with us. And I certainly don't need ALL the attention. I just wanted to feel at least equally important to my future family. Maybe everyone really is excited about both the wedding and the baby - the things they say just make me feel like they're not. But once again, that could be me reading into things too much.
The best thing I can do is just focus on my FH.Thanks for your input!
Thanks for the advice!
It doesn't happen for everyone but I wonder if your MIL may be the type to just be beyond excited to become a grandma and that's why she's doing this. It does not mean that your photographer should become an infant photographer but I can understand based on what I've seen that what she's asking isn't what I wouldn't expect to see from other moms.
The wedding day is not just about you and your FI. My point was more to that should be the focus of the day. You're marrying your partner. People can be excited for both things. How do you know you're not as important? Why does that even matter?