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MIL needs to put up $$ or start making some calls.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,

My daughter is getting married in six weeks. My husband and I are paying for everything. Since the happy couple are both professionals, they have many personal and work friends they want to invite. The venue holds 200 people, so my daughter, the groom’s mother, and I agreed six months ago upon the following division of guests: 50 each for the MIL and me, and 100 for the bride and groom.

When we recently started addressing invitations, MIL reported that she had sent out “save the date” cards to 120 people! I said we should leave the division as agreed—let MIL make explanatory phone calls. My daughter had a meltdown and reduced my number to 20, hers and the groom’s to 60, and insisted MIL “had” to send invitations to EVERYONE who received a save the date card! My family is local, so I hadn’t sent ANY of these cards.

Prudie, I come from a big Polish family. Even my allotted 50 guests was insufficient, but 20 will result in leaving out our immediate family! I am angry that MIL put us in such a horrifying position. She didn’t even apologize—she just stated that her husband’s business partners had watched her son grow up, and their feelings would be hurt if they weren’t invited, and she had a big family, too. How do we resolve this?

— MIL Over MOB

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Re: MIL needs to put up $$ or start making some calls.

  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Oh hell no.  I'd be so pissed that I'd want to be petty and say MIL can now have 20 and I'll take the 80 that was now mine.  But fiancé needs to deal with his mother and LW's daughter needs to stand up for herself and her family too.

    This makes me think of exMIL who was a nightmare.  When we tried to plan the wedding, she literally had like 200 people she just "had" to invite and she used money as a weapon to get what she wanted.  B/c exH was a shrinking violet when it came to any conflict, I had to kibosh it.  Then we eloped and it was all a lot easier.  
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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yikes.  Her FSIL’s mother over stepped her boundaries big time! I don’t even know what I would do.  This is why the bride & groom should be more hands on with guest lists and STD.  Approve before it goes out.  I’m team “whoever pays gets a say” so I feel so bad for LW.  Does the venue have another room that holds more? Doubtful, otherwise with option would have been explored already but if it does, FMIL should book that room and pay the overage. 

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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Nope, nope, nope. MIL needs to make some uncomfortable phone calls. This would leave daughter + LW with only 50 guests (assuming she and FI are splitting their allotment) for a 200 person wedding. Unfortunately there are people going to be left out but it’s not fair for you to pay for her entire family + his business associates while excluding close family. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Good grief, I feel bad for daughter and son because MIL has put a big ol' boulder in the situation because this won't be gotten over any time soon or ever.  

    LW needs to pull FSIL and daughter into this situation.  LW really needs to get FSIL in the mix here because it's his mother and also his marriage and future with his soon-to-be-spouse.  He should want to step up for his FI.  

    And at this point, LW should not back off her list and also, advise that they are not putting a cent more into the wedding than what they've agreed to pay.  So either FMIL makes those calls or they will not cover FMIL's extra plates.  Also, it's up to FMIL to coordinate with the venue for the extras.  Good luck if there's a strict limit.  

    But oh god, this is going to be a nightmare.  If FMIL will not budge, I would cancel it and offer to send the kids to a mountaintop or beach to elope and throw them a party when they got back. 

    OR hire a doorman with the ORIGINAL list of attendees and only let those that LW knows were supposed to be invited in and the rest get turned away.  Dare FMIL to walk out on her kid's wedding.

    But seriously, LW is gonna have to really put a foot down and/or protect the investment she's made into this wedding.  However, it probably isn't going to be without some drama and ugliness. 
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You say no! “I paid for this wedding, and I am not cutting my guests nor am I paying more because MIL disrespected the plan.”  
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    This is a diplomacy issue from the start and the MIL just steamrolled through.  I'll give the daughter the benefit of the doubt that she's trying to follow proper etiquette and that it would be improper to rescind invitations to those that received STDs.  And she's still right.

    That said, the MIL likely did what she did BECAUSE it would allow her to get her way.  So the LW needs to do exactly what was said.  It may be time for a CTJ dinner with the daughter and FSIL to be quite clear with how the finances are going to run unless a phone call is made. 

    If the start of the marriage is that MIL ignore handshake agreements and gets what she wants then the message sent to LW is "Do not plan anything with this woman again ever". 
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