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After Party/ Second Reception?

Knottie31518839Knottie31518839 member
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edited November 2021 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hello Knotters!
( ** Edited: a bit of a rewrite for clarification)
Here is my predicament. My hubby-to-be has LOTS of friends and he wants a big party. I do not. My invites include my immediate family and a handful (literally about 5). I have always wanted a small wedding with those I hold near and dear and he would like a big celebration with invites to double the number of people - most of whom I haven't met.

So this is my plan where I think we can both experience our dream day. A small morning ceremony and light meal following for family and bridal party only. Maybe 35 people (our families combined are about 28 or so). Conservative and elegant, my style and suiting both our conservative/Christian parents. Ending around 3pm

After party/second reception in the evening for EVERYBODY! All our friends and acquaintances and his buddies that I don't know. Separate location, catered dinner and open bar, party from 6pm till its over. Is this appropriate for everyone? I would really appreciate the time after the wedding with my family - all of whom are flying in from out of town, and then later on focus on all of our friends and those I haven't met yet. 

Would this be proper etiquette? I think it makes everyone happy. Thank you for your thoughts!!
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Re: After Party/ Second Reception?

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    ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
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    No this is not acceptable according to traditional etiquette. People who are invited to wedding activities should be invited to the ceremony (the most important part of the day). If I were his friends, I would be insulted not being invited to the ceremony. In days past, an intimate ceremony of just parents, the bride and groom and a witness followed by a larger reception was ok but 35 people isn't intimate. Have you run this by you FI? Does he think it is ok to not have his friends at his wedding? FWIW, I have been to plenty of weddings where some attendees weren't religious and there were no problems! You also don't have to know everyone well who attends your wedding if they are people who are important to your FI.
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    downtondivadowntondiva member
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    No. On the wedding day, people should be invited to both the ceremony and reception, or they shouldn't be invited at all.

    I really think your husband's friends should be invited and that you are too hung up on what you want without respecting his wishes. I also think it's absurd that you are just assuming that these friends will get wild and inappropriate at the lunch reception just because they like to party. Have a little more faith in them that they'll know how to behave appropriate to the event. If you don't want to end up having a huge wedding, talk to your FI about just including those he wants there most, as opposed to 100 of his closest friends.

    This isn't to say that you can't have an after-party in the evening where people (who have been included already in the ceremony and reception) can relax and let loose a bit more; in fact, it sounds like it could be a lot of fun. But it shouldn't be used as a way to exclude your FI's friends from the rest of the wedding day just because they don't fit your vision of what your wedding should be. 

    By the way, why does someone being non-religious preclude them from being invited to the wedding ceremony? People attend religious weddings all the time even if they are not observant or are of a different faith.


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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I understand your quandary, but it is rude to invite people to only one part of a wedding.  That makes it a "tiered" party.  Like, "we didn't want to invite you to our actual wedding, but we're inviting you to a different more casual event as a consolation prize."  Proper etiquette is to invite your guests to all or nothing, because it can cause hurt feelings otherwise

    Some other compromises you all could do is just throw a party at another time, but don't relate it to your all's wedding.

    Or put together a more expanded guest list together, with your FI understanding he can't invite everyone he's ever met.  You only want 35 people currently, your FI wants much more.  Maybe somewhere in the middle.   
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Knottie31518839 said:
    Hello Knotters!
     Here is my predicament. My hubby-to-be has LOTS of friends and he wants a big party. I do not. My invites include my immediate family and a handful (literally about 5). My family is also conservative Catholic, and his invites will be including Lord knows how many military buddies.

    So this is my plan where I think I can placate everyone. A small morning ceremony and lunch reception for family and bridal party only. Maybe 35 people. Conservative and elegant, my style and suiting both our conservative/Christian parents. Ending around 3pm

    After party/second reception in the evening for EVERYBODY! All our non religious friends and acquaintances and his buddies that I don't know. Separate location, pizza and beer catered, party from 6pm till its over. Is this appropriate for everyone? I don't really want to share my wedding with people who I do not know and who want to party but I also know that I don't want to take away from my fiance his time with all the people he loves.

    Would this be proper etiquette? I think it makes everyone happy. Thank you for your thoughts!!
    No, this is definitely not proper etiquette. You cannot invite people to a wedding reception that were not invited to the ceremony. That's pretty rude. 

    Also, why are you so set against having his military friends at the ceremony? This is his wedding too, and he should be allowed to include the friends he wants, without essentially B-listing them to a different party. 
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    Knottie31518839Knottie31518839 member
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    edited November 2021
    I'm not set against having his people there. I have no issue with his buddies other than I don't know them and I'm not comfortable having people that I've never met. And actually it was his idea to have a small ceremony and big reception. I was going off of that. 

    Maybe holding the second reception on another day would ease tensions thanks for that idea! And how do I know they are going to dance the night away and drink until the sun comes up? Because I've hung out with and partying with some of them so I know from experience. If I designed the initial reception to suit them then immediate family would be insulted.

    So I guess it's a fun game of who gets insulted the most. I prefer the strangers at this point in time. And from what I've read you can send reception only invites and it's no problem...  hmmm much to think about!
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Knottie31518839 said:
    I'm not set against having his people there. I have no issue with his buddies other than I don't know them and I'm not comfortable having people that I've never met. And actually it was his idea to have a small ceremony and big reception. I was going off of that. 

    Maybe holding the second reception on another day would ease tensions thanks for that idea! And how do I know they are going to dance the night away and drink until the sun comes up? Because I've hung out with and partying with then I know from experience. If I designed the initial reception to suit them then immediate family would be insulted.

    So I guess it's a fun game of who gets insulted the most. I prefer the strangers at this point in time. And from what I've read you can send reception only invites and it's no problem...  hmmm much to think about!
    So, you've never met them before, but you've hung out with them and know they get rowdy?

    You're asking about the proper etiquette. It's rude to send a "reception only" card. You should not be inviting people to wedding related events that you're not including in the ceremony. Full stop.  
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    Knottie31518839Knottie31518839 member
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    I appreciate the thoughts and opinions!
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    Knottie31518839Knottie31518839 member
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    edited November 2021
    I wonder if etiquette might be changing once again. There are so many brides out there wanting the same - small ceremony, big reception. If etiquette is tradition and tradition is what is commonly done, then who is to say that what is viewed as rude now will be considered the norm in a few decades?!? Tiered weddings are common in the UK...maybe Americans are starting to see the handiness of it and that it isn't a bad thing!


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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Knottie31518839 said:
    I'm not set against having his people there. I have no issue with his buddies other than I don't know them and I'm not comfortable having people that I've never met. And actually it was his idea to have a small ceremony and big reception. I was going off of that. 

    Maybe holding the second reception on another day would ease tensions thanks for that idea! And how do I know they are going to dance the night away and drink until the sun comes up? Because I've hung out with and partying with some of them so I know from experience. If I designed the initial reception to suit them then immediate family would be insulted.

    So I guess it's a fun game of who gets insulted the most. I prefer the strangers at this point in time. And from what I've read you can send reception only invites and it's no problem...  hmmm much to think about!
    This makes no sense. You've never met them, but you know them well enough to know how they will act?

    You don't plan the event around how you think someone will behave. You plan the event you (collectively) want. If you don't want people drinking and dancing the night away, don't serve drinks and don't have an evening event. If you want a low key daytime event, plan that. These people manage to exist in the military; they know how to sit politely at church and behave during a luncheon without breaking out into shots and dancing. 

    You don't seem to understand that this is your FI's wedding too. You are so caught up in what you want and who you've met. If someone is your FI's friend, it doesn't matter whether you've met them. This wedding should be a compromise between what you both like, not a wedding to suit you and a consolation prize party for him later. 
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    Knottie31518839Knottie31518839 member
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    edited November 2021
    Like I said I've spend time with some of his military buddies and he has told me that they will want to party. It's not my style. so I have to find a way to make my fiance happy as well as myself on our day. Sorry if my thought process isn't as clear as would be helpful. I'm still thinking that the separate events are a good working idea. Just because it isn't common here in the States doesn't mean there isn't some sense to it. Thankfully I have a few months to figure it out. Having a small ceremony and light meal afterwards for family gives us a non-stressful time for our families to come together. then later that evening hold a big shebang for everyone else. 

    However I disagree that guests - especially those who have never met one of the couple and barely see the other - should "expect" anything nor should be "insulted". Is the wedding day about the bride and groom? The reception yes understandable is for the guests but I don't believe that guests should think themselves entitled to anything. 
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    ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic member
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    Knottie31518839 said:
    Like I said I've spend time with some of his military buddies and he has told me that they will want to party. It's not my style. so I have to find a way to make my fiance happy as well as myself on our day. Sorry if my thought process isn't as clear as would be helpful. I'm still thinking that the separate events are a good working idea. Just because it isn't common here in the States doesn't mean there isn't some sense to it. Thankfully I have a few months to figure it out. Having a small ceremony and light meal afterwards for family gives us a non-stressful time for our families to come together. then later that evening hold a big shebang for everyone else. 

    However I disagree that guests - especially those who have never met one of the couple and barely see the other - should "expect" anything nor should be "insulted". Is the wedding day about the bride and groom? The reception yes understandable is for the guests but I don't believe that guests should think themselves entitled to anything. 
    If one is invited to a reception they can naturally expect to be invited to the ceremony. You are trying to get us to agree that tradition has changed and tiered receptions are ok. You aren't going to get that here. I still stand by my statement that I would be insulted. I would also be insulted if I found out you thought I couldn't behave as an adult based on the fact I was in the military (says the daughter of a career Navy man).
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    climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    Knottie31518839 said:
    Like I said I've spend time with some of his military buddies and he has told me that they will want to party. It's not my style. so I have to find a way to make my fiance happy as well as myself on our day. Sorry if my thought process isn't as clear as would be helpful. I'm still thinking that the separate events are a good working idea. Just because it isn't common here in the States doesn't mean there isn't some sense to it. Thankfully I have a few months to figure it out. Having a small ceremony and light meal afterwards for family gives us a non-stressful time for our families to come together. then later that evening hold a big shebang for everyone else. 

    However I disagree that guests - especially those who have never met one of the couple and barely see the other - should "expect" anything nor should be "insulted". Is the wedding day about the bride and groom? The reception yes understandable is for the guests but I don't believe that guests should think themselves entitled to anything. 
    Why did you even come here for advice? You obviously just wanted people to agree with you. 

    It's rude as hell to not invite people to the ceremony but then invite them to the reception. That etiquette has not changed. 

    Also, do you really think his friends are going to act out of pocket at the ceremony? I've been to countless weddings with rowdy groups and the partying always started AFTER the ceremony. 

    I think the bigger issue you have here is that your FI wants these friends included in the wedding and you are not on the same page. 
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    Knottie31518839 said:
    Like I said I've spend time with some of his military buddies and he has told me that they will want to party. It's not my style. so I have to find a way to make my fiance happy as well as myself on our day. Sorry if my thought process isn't as clear as would be helpful. I'm still thinking that the separate events are a good working idea. Just because it isn't common here in the States doesn't mean there isn't some sense to it. Thankfully I have a few months to figure it out. Having a small ceremony and light meal afterwards for family gives us a non-stressful time for our families to come together. then later that evening hold a big shebang for everyone else. 

    However I disagree that guests - especially those who have never met one of the couple and barely see the other - should "expect" anything nor should be "insulted". Is the wedding day about the bride and groom? The reception yes understandable is for the guests but I don't believe that guests should think themselves entitled to anything. 
    It is rude to invite someone to a wedding related event if they aren't invited to the actual wedding. I get that you don't care about people your FI cares about, but you've asked for etiquette advice. Having a separate party because you don't think his friends can be trusted to behave is rude and insulting. It's not about them expecting anything, it's about treating people with basic manners. 

    If your FI wants to invite them, you recognize that you are not the only person getting married and agree to invite them whether or not you've met them. If you understood that this is your FI's wedding too, this would be obvious. 
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    Knottie31518839Knottie31518839 member
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    You lovely ladies are missing the point - I'm not inviting people because I don't trust that they will behave. I'm not inviting them because Id like the ceremony, part of the day to be low key. 

    I was looking for advice  - I guess I don't really agree with you - probably because I didn't grow up in America so my view of weddings are different. Thankfully advice and opinions are there for the taking...or leaving. :)
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    flantasticflantastic member
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    Knottie31518839 said:
    You lovely ladies are missing the point - I'm not inviting people because I don't trust that they will behave. I'm not inviting them because Id like the ceremony, part of the day to be low key. 

    I was looking for advice  - I guess I don't really agree with you - probably because I didn't grow up in America so my view of weddings are different. Thankfully advice and opinions are there for the taking...or leaving. :)
    Even if people in the UK are used to tiered receptions, that doesn't make them not rude. There is a difference between "We couldn't include everyone we wanted" and "You are a second- (or third-) tier friend who can come when the more important people have had their time."

    You seem to be missing the point that your desire to have part of the day be "low-key" should not preclude your FI from having people that he cares about be present. Also, fewer people =/= low key. I have been to small weddings with dramatic people and large, casual weddings that I would say are low-key.

    Also, if several people unanimously disagree with you, I would think that might be an opinion you should consider taking.


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    banana468banana468 member
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    Knottie31518839 said:
    You lovely ladies are missing the point - I'm not inviting people because I don't trust that they will behave. I'm not inviting them because Id like the ceremony, part of the day to be low key. 

    I was looking for advice  - I guess I don't really agree with you - probably because I didn't grow up in America so my view of weddings are different. Thankfully advice and opinions are there for the taking...or leaving. :)
    It's worth understanding that etiquette and tradition aren't the same thing.    If anything, etiquette experts have come out stating that what was previously accepted as a cultural norm was actually turning a blind eye to the appropriate way that people should be treated.  You'll see that in weddings where some guests are invited to the post-meal portion (a tradition that is accepted but is rude), charging guests to dance (rude) or charging them for alcohol that they consume (rude).  Some couples also published their registries on their invitations and cited that this is what was done in their social circles as tradition.  It may have been - however this is rude. 

    There are two things that stick out here: 
    1) You want a low key and intimate wedding and your FI wants a bigger event.  You two need to align and be on the same page. 

    2) having a tired scale of events is inappropriate and anyone invited to wedding - related events should be invited to the wedding itself.  You can have parties for the sake of parties - but once they become wedding themed you need to open up that guest list. 
     
    Also, consider that for your FI these are people who are close to him.  I would absolutely have issue if my H started to minimize who was close to me as if he was some kind of arbiter of my friends and family.  It's up to me to decide who is close to me.  Please hear your FI out as you two make plans together.
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    You could also invite all of the people you and your FI want to the ceremony and an evening reception afterwards.  Have the reception end at "X" time, like 9 or 10pm.  And then everyone who wants to can go afterparty when the reception is over.  You all don't even need to host that part.  It often happens organically.  I went to an afterparty (bar hopping) once where the bride and groom didn't even come with us, lol. 

    Or have the daytime/afternoon ceremony and reception that you want and also invite all the people you and your FI want to.  If you all want to do something later that night, that's fine.  It can either be hosted or more word of mouth, like "Hey, we're going to be at ABC Bar later tonight.  Come join us if you can."

    The main thing is to treat all your guests equally.  
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