ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER

courtneyt702 · April 2012

My best friend is getting married in about 6 weeks, and as her MOH, I've been planning her shower for the past three months. I've booked a restaurant, collected contact information from the bride and groom, contacted the bride and grooms mothers, ordered and sent out custom invitations and then waited patiently for replies. After three weeks, I had received a total of two RSVP's, both 'no'. The other bridesmaid and myself sat down with the bride to let her know we were having a hard time getting RSVP's for the shower and bachelorette party. She offered to send out a reminder email asking her friends and family to respond.

Thus far, I have received 20 'no' responses including her mother and the grooms mother. (Her mother is out of state, and not in the best health - though I did offer to pay for her travel arrangements). Among the other rejections are two female grooms attendants. I am devestated and broken hearted knowing that I am two weeks out and likely going to have to cancel my best friends shower because no one is going to attend. Additionally, I'm furious that any of these people claim to be her friend.

Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? My friend - the bride - is hands down the nicest and most wonderful person I know. I'm so offended for her that no one is attending her shower as though it's not a priority. Honestly, I want to resend the invites with notes expressing my disdain, but I don't see how that helps anyone.

What can I do? I want my friend to know how very special she is... but finding out that no one cares enough about her to let me buy them lunch is just going to make her feel like crap... not the way a bride should feel.

pokepoke27 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_all-nos-for-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d34a8f0-1ee6-4e60-98b9-a3e243168a37Post:279f4258-030e-4d96-89e6-cb90c222f124">ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER</a>:
[QUOTE]My best friend is getting married in about 6 weeks, and as her MOH, I've been planning her shower for the past three months. I've booked a restaurant, collected contact information from the bride and groom, contacted the bride and grooms mothers, ordered and sent out custom invitations and then waited patiently for replies. After three weeks, I had received a total of two RSVP's, both 'no'. The other bridesmaid and myself sat down with the bride to let her know we were having a hard time getting RSVP's for the shower and bachelorette party. She offered to send out a reminder email asking her friends and family to respond. Thus far, I have received 20 'no' responses including her mother and the grooms mother. (Her mother is out of state, and not in the best health - though I did offer to pay for her travel arrangements). Among the other rejections are two female grooms attendants. I am devestated and broken hearted knowing that I am two weeks out and likely going to have to cancel my best friends shower because no one is going to attend. Additionally, I'm furious that any of these people claim to be her friend. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? My friend - the bride - is hands down the nicest and most wonderful person I know. I'm so offended for her that no one is attending her shower as though it's not a priority. Honestly, I want to resend the invites with notes expressing my disdain, but I don't see how that helps anyone. <strong>What can I do? I want my friend to know how very special she is... but finding out that no one cares enough about her to let me buy them lunch is just going to make her feel like crap... not the way a bride should feel. </strong>
Posted by courtneyt702[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That's really unfortunate - but you're right in thinking sending anything else at this point would be wrong. </div><div>
</div><div>Take the money that you were going to spend on her shower and treat her to a spa day or get her a really really cool gift in lieu of a shower.

</div>

ceh789 · April 2012

I feel like there's a missing link here. Is the shower held locally for the invitees? Are they all invited to the wedding? Is this a second (or third etc) marriage for bride and groom?

Did you ask the mothers why they were unable to attend?

ETA: pokepoke is dead on about what you can do at this point.

aragx6 · April 2012

That makes me really sad too. We had really poor turn out for my friend's shower last year and I know she was disappointed as well (everyone seemed quite capable of coming out for her bachelorette party though ...) There's nothing you can really do about it now, and it's silly to be angry at everyone who can't go -- you wouldn't likely have been mad at them individually if most others had been able to attend. I like pokepoke's suggestion of taking her out for a spa day or something special.

SarahPLiz · April 2012

My mother invited 40 people to my baby shower and even rented out a space because it was too many for the house. The only people who showed were my step dad's sisters adn my step sisters (who were all at our house anyway for Easter weekend) and one of my friends. Everyone else was busy, sick or had other plans. I think it hurt my mom's feelings more than mine because she put a lot of work into it and it was poorly attended. I got over it quickly though. The people who really cared were there and I had a lovely after noon with them.

Maybe its just an inconvenient time for people. If you can't reschedule, or poll for reasons somehow without being tacky, then try to have a special night with just her and the other BMS.

DramaGeek · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_all-nos-for-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d34a8f0-1ee6-4e60-98b9-a3e243168a37Post:ceacf07a-06c2-40bd-93ea-f9b530347d54">Re: ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I feel like there's a missing link here. Is the shower held locally for the invitees? Are they all invited to the wedding?</strong> Is this a second (or third etc) marriage for bride and groom? Did you ask the mothers why they were unable to attend? ETA: pokepoke is dead on about what you can do at this point.
Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]

Ditto that. Is it on a holiday weekend or something?

As far as what you can do...not much. Ditto pokepoke on the fun spa day with your friend(s) as a good alternative. Take her for a fancy lunch and give her your gifts then.

bonge · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_all-nos-for-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d34a8f0-1ee6-4e60-98b9-a3e243168a37Post:16d00212-7ee0-4514-b86c-fd09fe220bfc">Re: ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER : That's really unfortunate - but you're right in thinking sending anything else at this point would be wrong. Take the money that you were going to spend on her shower and treat her to a spa day or get her a really really cool gift in lieu of a shower.
Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]

<div>I like this idea, at least you can turn a sad occasion into a happy one & she will really feel like you care for her. </div><div>
</div><div>I couldn't imagine not 1 person could show up unless it was oot for everyone. How awful. </div>

courtneyt702 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_all-nos-for-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d34a8f0-1ee6-4e60-98b9-a3e243168a37Post:ceacf07a-06c2-40bd-93ea-f9b530347d54">Re: ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like there's a missing link here. Is the shower held locally for the invitees? Are they all invited to the wedding? Is this a second (or third etc) marriage for bride and groom? Did you ask the mothers why they were unable to attend? ETA: pokepoke is dead on about what you can do at this point.
Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>No missing link. I expected the out-of-town friends and family to decline. I sent my invitations off of the wedding invite list. While they are having a destination wedding, they are also holding and paying for receptions in two states to accomodate all of their friends and family. The bride would love nothing more than to have all of their friends and family in one place at one time, but she's realistic. It bugs me though. </div><div>
</div><div>The grooms mother made a commitment to attend a friends' daughter's wedding, and the brides mother is out of state. </div><div>
</div><div>This is the brides second marriage, but she has an entirely new set of friends since that divorce because she literally moved across the country. As long as most of the people on this list have known her, she's not been married/ been in a relationship with the groom. </div><div>
</div><div>I have wondered about simply cancelling and spending the money elsewhere... we're doing her bachelorette party the very next weekend though... (same group of NO's). </div>

ahhhitsshannyn · April 2012

Is everyone invited to the DW? If not, some people may be offended that they are not invited and declined to go. Also some people don't really think second weddings should get all the parties and things like that. Sucks, but that's life.

How many people were invited?

SarahPLiz · April 2012

Yep, if its her second wedding, then that's why the no's, whether they knew he when she was married before or not.

SB1512 · April 2012

You said you did invites off the wedding list. Is this the wedding list of people who were invited to the DW, or wedding list of guests invited to the DW, and the 2 receptions. If you invited people that are not invited to the actual DW, but only the at home reception they may have been offended by receiving a shower invite but not an actual wedding invite

redheadfsu · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_all-nos-for-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d34a8f0-1ee6-4e60-98b9-a3e243168a37Post:5b9d305c-f1f0-49e7-bc9c-2ff1d461883f">Re: ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER : No missing link. I expected the out-of-town friends and family to decline. I sent my invitations off of the wedding invite list. <strong>While they are having a destination wedding, they are also holding and paying for receptions in two states to accomodate all of their friends and family</strong>. The bride would love nothing more than to have all of their friends and family in one place at one time, but she's realistic. It bugs me though. The grooms mother made a commitment to attend a friends' daughter's wedding, and the brides mother is out of state. This is the brides second marriage, but she has an entirely new set of friends since that divorce because she literally moved across the country. As long as most of the people on this list have known her, she's not been married/ been in a relationship with the groom. I have wondered about simply cancelling and spending the money elsewhere... we're doing her bachelorette party the very next weekend though... (same group of NO's).
Posted by courtneyt702[/QUOTE]

You only invited those that are actually invited to the Destination Wedding (ceremony, not after parties), right? Hope so. If these people were not invited to the actual ceremony, I bet they declined because they were insulted (Rightly so. You should never have invited them to begin with).

If these people are going to the Destination Wedding, then maybe they have already spent a ton on the wedding (airfare,etc) and can't afford to attend the shower. While it sucks, just take her out for an awesome spa day.

ceh789 · April 2012

Well honestly, I don't accept shower invitations for second weddings because I think they're strange. I probably would if I knew no one else was going though, just to make my friend feel better.

Is there anyone on the no-list who is local that you also know really well - maybe you could call and explain and get enough bodies to show up so it's a 4-5 person gathering? If you can fill a table I think it'd be enough of a shower for me.

mcskatcat · April 2012

Like others have said, it's likely because it's a destination wedding AND because it's her second marriage. With a DW, if people weren't invited to the actual wedding then they might be offended, and if they were invited to the wedding then they are probably thinking they've spent enough money on this affair.

mackayj456 · April 2012

NOTHING stops the celebration of the wedding! You, as her maid of honor, must now take the lead and provide the BEST shower for your bride. Don't respond in disdain to any negative replies, have an elegant shower with the bridesmaids and whomever attends!! Keep the reservation(maybe a smaller) room) and create the bridal shower as an elite, semi-private event for only the intimate circle. STOP informing the bride of the shower status-keep it beautiful and feminine!!! The bride should not know that people won't respond to her wonderful wedding shower! REMEMBER-you are the maid of honor are are required to create and shield the bride from on negativity during her wedding celebration!! Public relations between all parties are needed so have fun and celebrate the happiness of the shower whomever attends. You are going for the love and support even it be just the bridesmaids!!!!

n Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_all-nos-for-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d34a8f0-1ee6-4e60-98b9-a3e243168a37Post:279f4258-030e-4d96-89e6-cb90c222f124">ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER</a>:
[QUOTE]My best friend is getting married in about 6 weeks, and as her MOH, I've been planning her shower for the past three months. I've booked a restaurant, collected contact information from the bride and groom, contacted the bride and grooms mothers, ordered and sent out custom invitations and then waited patiently for replies. After three weeks, I had received a total of two RSVP's, both 'no'. The other bridesmaid and myself sat down with the bride to let her know we were having a hard time getting RSVP's for the shower and bachelorette party. She offered to send out a reminder email asking her friends and family to respond. Thus far, I have received 20 'no' responses including her mother and the grooms mother. (Her mother is out of state, and not in the best health - though I did offer to pay for her travel arrangements). Among the other rejections are two female grooms attendants. I am devestated and broken hearted knowing that I am two weeks out and likely going to have to cancel my best friends shower because no one is going to attend. Additionally, I'm furious that any of these people claim to be her friend. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? My friend - the bride - is hands down the nicest and most wonderful person I know. I'm so offended for her that no one is attending her shower as though it's not a priority. Honestly, I want to resend the invites with notes expressing my disdain, but I don't see how that helps anyone. What can I do? I want my friend to know how very special she is... but finding out that no one cares enough about her to let me buy them lunch is just going to make her feel like crap... not the way a bride should feel.
Posted by courtneyt702[/QUOTE]

aragx6 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_all-nos-for-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d34a8f0-1ee6-4e60-98b9-a3e243168a37Post:845f3e34-97f3-4bca-94fe-e2f53984059a">Re: ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER</a>:
[QUOTE]NOTHING stops the celebration of the wedding! You, as her maid of honor, must now take the lead and provide the BEST shower for your bride. Don't respond in disdain to any negative replies, have an elegant shower with the bridesmaids and whomever attends!! Keep the reservation(maybe a smaller) room) and create the bridal shower as an elite, semi-private event for only the intimate circle. STOP informing the bride of the shower status-keep it beautiful and feminine!!! The bride should not know that people won't respond to her wonderful wedding shower! <strong> REMEMBER-you are the maid of honor are are required to create and shield the bride from on negativity during her wedding celebration!!</strong> Public relations between all parties are needed so have fun and celebrate the happiness of the shower whomever attends. You are going for the love and support even it be just the bridesmaids!!!! n Response to ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER :
Posted by mackayj456[/QUOTE]

That is so not a requirement of being a maid of honor, but, whatever, I see the point you're after.

Here's the thing -- a small room at the restaurant for the bride, the moh and the other bridesmaid only is <u>still</u> going to be depressing as hell.

msuprincess04 · April 2012

I'd go with cancelling it and treating her to a spa day. Those things are always more relaxing and happy and totally cool to do solo or with another person or two.

Avion22 · April 2012

Another thing to consider? The economy sucks right now, and a lot of people cannot afford to spend on gifts what they would like to. It's possible these people just can't afford a gift right now, and don't want to show up to a shower empty-handed.

FluffyGumDrop · April 2012

I see you're in Baltimore and thought you might be able to plan a girls day using this:

http://www.baltimoremagazine.net/best-of/2011/08/best-of-baltimore-2011

It ranks the best of everything in Baltimore from last year; cupcakes, spa, theaters, museums, bars, food, etc. You know the bride's taste best and maybe there's a few things on it that she'd be interested in doing. The other bridesmaid sounds like she'd probably attend, but if not, don't let that stop the two of you from having a day out on the town.

LDYGTR13 · April 2012

Well, as someone who had a very poorly attended bridal shower (for my only wedding), at least you know this far out. Imagine if she showed up excited to see 40 people or whatever and no one showed up. That'd be heartwrenching. I was expecting 25-ish and I had 4. It sucked, but we also got to have fun. My MOH was crying though because she thought I was disappointed. You know far enough in advance to change plans and what not, that's what I'd do.

snr1 · April 2012

I also had a pretty poor turn out (12 out of 35)for my bridal shower this past weekend (this is my first wedding). Only my very closest friends and the groom's and my immediate family members showed plus two others. I live about an hour away from where I am from so that was probably part of it, but some of my friends in town didn't even attend. I had a good time because the most important people to me were there, but it seemed like a lot of work for my family for such a poor turnout. If I were you I would probably cancel if even the mothers aren't going to be able to attend. I know if any less people had showed I would have been pretty bummed.

mica178 · April 2012

When I was MOH, the bride gave me a guest list of 30+, and only 7 people attended (included the bride, her mother, and me). Even still, we both agreed that it was one of the best bridal showers we'd ever attended because everyone there clearly knew and loved her, and it was a lovely, intimate gathering.

On the other hand, my bridal showers were both hugely attended by friends of my mother and MIL (not my choice, I got to add to the guestlist but not subtract), and not very fun for me at all.

QueerFemme · April 2012

I would have a heartfelt conversation with your friend and explain that no one is able to make it, and that you are going to treat her to the most fabulous day ever. Other than that.. nothing you can really do. If people don't want to come, or can't make time to come, its certainly their right. No need to be mad at them.

pokepoke27 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_all-nos-for-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d34a8f0-1ee6-4e60-98b9-a3e243168a37Post:845f3e34-97f3-4bca-94fe-e2f53984059a">Re: ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER</a>:
[QUOTE]NOTHING stops the celebration of the wedding! You, as her maid of honor, must now take the lead and provide the BEST shower for your bride. Don't respond in disdain to any negative replies, have an elegant shower with the bridesmaids and whomever attends!! Keep the reservation(maybe a smaller) room) and create the bridal shower as an elite, semi-private event for only the intimate circle. STOP informing the bride of the shower status-keep it beautiful and feminine!!! The bride should not know that people won't respond to her wonderful wedding shower! REMEMBER-you are the maid of honor are are required to create and shield the bride from on negativity during her wedding celebration!! Public relations between all parties are needed so have fun and celebrate the happiness of the shower whomever attends. You are going for the love and support even it be just the bridesmaids!!!! n Response to ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER :
Posted by mackayj456[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Interesting.

</div>

ceh789 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_all-nos-for-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d34a8f0-1ee6-4e60-98b9-a3e243168a37Post:ca954b14-6dbe-4c98-944e-052c005abb6e">Re: ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER : Why? I don't understand why a second wedding doesn't deserve a shower.
Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]

<div>I guess I just think subsequent weddings should have less hoopla associated with them. I don't think it's rude, per se, to have a shower for one but I just don't attend because they seem strange to me - I'm not sure I can really explain why.<div>
</div><div>I'm not a huge fan of pre-wedding parties, period, to be honest. For people who are getting married straight out of college they make sense but for 30-somethings I don't get it. I tried to decline a shower myself (well I thought I did decline it) but now I'm having a 'suprise' shower. I fully expect to feel thoroughly wierded out the entire time and am really struggling with being gracious about the whole situation.</div></div>

ceh789 · April 2012

Nod, I'm well aware that my aversion to showers is abnormal. Most people seem to really enjoy them and I don't begrudge them their parties. I certainly didn't mean to imply that anyone being thrown a shower isn't deserving, I just don't always choose to participate. I don't go to 2nd baby showers either

Vickish76 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_all-nos-for-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d34a8f0-1ee6-4e60-98b9-a3e243168a37Post:5b9d305c-f1f0-49e7-bc9c-2ff1d461883f">Re: ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER : No missing link. I expected the out-of-town friends and family to decline. I sent my invitations off of the wedding invite list. While they are having a destination wedding, they are also holding and paying for receptions in two states to accomodate all of their friends and family. The bride would love nothing more than to have all of their friends and family in one place at one time, but she's realistic. It bugs me though. The grooms mother made a commitment to attend a friends' daughter's wedding, and the brides mother is out of state. This is the brides second marriage, but she has an entirely new set of friends since that divorce because she literally moved across the country. As long as most of the people on this list have known her, she's not been married/ been in a relationship with the groom. I have wondered about simply cancelling and spending the money elsewhere... we're doing her bachelorette party the very next weekend though... (same group of NO's).
Posted by courtneyt702[/QUOTE]

Question - did the same group of NO's for the shower RSVP for the Bachelorette party? That might be part of the reason if it was a two weekend in a row committment. If there are people coming to the bachelorette party maybe combine the two events somehow - a nice dinner and gifts from those who want to bring them (don't open them in front of everyone though) and then go out partying afterwards... Just a thought.

prbright · April 2012

I didn't go to a friends bachelorette party OR bridal shower. Her bachelorette party was the night before the shower and it was an hour away from where the shower was being held. I wasn't willing to spend the money to go out of town to the bachelorette party, fork out the money for all that it would cost, and then turn around and drive back home to go to her shower the very next day, plus buy her gifts for both parties and the wedding. It came across as rude and gift grabby to me, so I rspv'ed no to both instead of just one and then attended the wedding with gift in hand.

Time and money are a lot of major reasons for people, and if the party and shower are in two weekends of each other then I can understand why a lot of people said no.

DramaGeek · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_all-nos-for-bridal-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4d34a8f0-1ee6-4e60-98b9-a3e243168a37Post:a524ce5d-34a1-4ef9-be16-42d7b83bbf6c">Re: ALL NO'S FOR BRIDAL SHOWER</a>:
[QUOTE]Nod, I'm well aware that my aversion to showers is abnormal. Most people seem to really enjoy them and I don't begrudge them their parties. I certainly didn't mean to imply that anyone being thrown a shower isn't deserving, I just don't always choose to participate. I don't go to 2nd baby showers either :)
Posted by ceh789[/QUOTE]

I'm the same way. I hate showers, regardless of who they're for, and I avoid them as much as possible. I tried to decline but no one would take no for an answer except my friends, who threw an "unshower." We had food and watched movies, it was awesome.

AmandaSC1988 · April 2012

Okay, so I had a very poorly attended Bridal shower. My mom, my MOH, and 2 of my BMs. It was super depressing. Especially because it was the day after one of my BM's (who is getting married 2 weeks after me) shower and she had over 40 people at her shower. My sister (BM) who threw it told me no one has RSVPed (Yes/no) ..I really wanted her to cancel it but she insisted that people just don't RSVP to things anymore. The amount of food she made and the prep for 5 people was just too sad.... I would have rather had a girls day instead.

Keep the bride aware that no one is coming... doesn't matter if it is your first wedding/10th wedding... if someone throws you a shower you sort of expect people to show up.

erollis · April 2012

I agree with everyone that a spa day or something fun would be perfect because of all the no rsvp's.

My Aunt hosted a co-ed shower for H and I. No one called or emailed my Aunt back to rsvp by the deadline. H and I had to ask those invited two days before if they were attending. Some people said yes and didn't show up. Those that did show up didn't bring any gifts. And the rest responded no. We had a really nice time but it was really sad since we made sure to invite only guests that lived locally (besides parents). It ended up being my Aunt, Uncle, 3 friends, H and I.

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