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Just Engaged and Proposals
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Am I silly for wanting a better proposal?

knottiea7465c4aff0403c9knottiea7465c4aff0403c9 member
First Anniversary
edited March 2022 in Just Engaged and Proposals
First of all, I’ll start this all off by saying the proposal aspect of our engagement is totally just a formality at this point, as we have talked and confirmed that we will get married. My fiancé has attempted a proposal twice now and both have been… very underwhelming. The first time he just came home and said “hey wanna get married?” I said yes because like… yeah we have talked about this before, and then I realized he thought that was a proposal. I explained to him that I would like an actual proposal with a ring etc. and he said agreed and said that this was just the first proposal. Fast forward to just a few weeks ago, he proposed again…after dinner at home while I was in my sweatpants after working a 14 hour day. No words, no anything. Just a hidden ring for me to find and sweets to celebrate after. I do admit I was surprised, but I couldn’t even take a pic or anything as I didn’t want to remember the lackluster circumstances or the fact that I was particularly wearing pajamas. I honestly feel embarrassed even telling people about our proposal story when they ask. I know this is frivolous, but is it too much to ask for a somewhat special proposal? 
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Re: Am I silly for wanting a better proposal?

  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    knottiea7465c4aff0403c9 said:
    First of all, I’ll start this all off by saying the proposal aspect of our engagement is totally just a formality at this point, as we have talked and confirmed that we will get married. My fiancé has attempted a proposal twice now and both have been… very underwhelming. The first time he just came home and said “hey wanna get married?” I said yes because like… yeah we have talked about this before, and then I realized he thought that was a proposal. I explained to him that I would like an actual proposal with a ring etc. and he said agreed and said that this was just the first proposal. Fast forward to just a few weeks ago, he proposed again…after dinner at home while I was in my sweatpants after working a 14 hour day. No words, no anything. Just a hidden ring for me to find and sweets to celebrate after. I do admit I was surprised, but I couldn’t even take a pic or anything as I didn’t want to remember the lackluster circumstances or the fact that I was particularly wearing pajamas. I honestly feel embarrassed even telling people about our proposal story when they ask. I know this is frivolous, but is it too much to ask for a somewhat special proposal? 
    Yes.  You are putting way too much pressure on this. 

    Expectations are the groundwork for disappointment.  
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Agree with PP. Who cares if you were in your pajamas? You're embarrassed to tell people?? You are putting way too much importance on this. Your partner loves you and wants to spend their life with you. You said you wanted a ring, and more effort, and he did that. That in itself is special. 


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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    knottiea7465c4aff0403c9 said:
    First of all, I’ll start this all off by saying the proposal aspect of our engagement is totally just a formality at this point, as we have talked and confirmed that we will get married. My fiancé has attempted a proposal twice now and both have been… very underwhelming. The first time he just came home and said “hey wanna get married?” I said yes because like… yeah we have talked about this before, and then I realized he thought that was a proposal. I explained to him that I would like an actual proposal with a ring etc. and he said agreed and said that this was just the first proposal. Fast forward to just a few weeks ago, he proposed again…after dinner at home while I was in my sweatpants after working a 14 hour day. No words, no anything. Just a hidden ring for me to find and sweets to celebrate after. I do admit I was surprised, but I couldn’t even take a pic or anything as I didn’t want to remember the lackluster circumstances or the fact that I was particularly wearing pajamas. I honestly feel embarrassed even telling people about our proposal story when they ask. I know this is frivolous, but is it too much to ask for a somewhat special proposal? 

    Had you ever discussed special events in your lives?  Does your FI know that you have high expectations when it comes to special events?  It sounds as if you are more focused on the social (media) aspect of the event versus the actual proposal. 

    It sounds to me as if you have some work prior to marriage in regards to communication and expectations.
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  • maine7mobmaine7mob member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Your proposal wasn't about showing the pictures. It was about the commitment to get married. It was between you and your fiance. The "story" is secondary. Your entire life doesn't have to be camera-worthy and every special moment does not have to be for public consumption.

    You have to decide whether the type of proposal you received affects your feelings about your fiance. If it does, then you aren't ready for marriage.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    I know it shouldn't matter...and it largely doesn't...but my H didn't do anything special for my proposal either.  I didn't care about the "story", but it hurt my feelings he didn't put any effort or thought into it.  But "doing it over" wouldn't have made me feel better and would have hurt his feelings.  I've never told him and I never will.

    So, instead, I focused on being happy we were engaged and that we wanted to marry each other.  Because that is, by far, the most important part and the whole reason for getting engaged.  FWIW, unless someone is talking about a proposal like this post, I never even think about that mine was disappointing.  It's not something that haunts me and I hope it doesn't have that power over you either.

    I get it.  After you had a very long workday, that is poor timing.  Your FI didn't really understand what you wanted from the proposal, but he did try.  He hid the ring and had some sweets ready to celebrate.  Focus on the things he does do to show his love.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    I don't think you're wrong for wanting your partner to make a grand gesture. It's ok to want those things and you shouldn't feel bad for that! I do think you need to question your own feelings about this, though. Are you really disappointed because you feel like he's not putting in the effort, or are you disappointed because you wanted a great Insta post? These are two very different things, and you owe it to yourself to understand. 

    Going forward, the proposal is done, you are engaged, it's time to move forward. If the gesture is something that is really important to you toward feeling loved (e.g. love language), think about how to communicate that to your FI in a way that he understands what you really want. But also think about how you communicate it in terms of "this is what I need" rather than "this is what you did wrong." 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Well, I can understand your disappointment that the proposal wasn't as romantic or special as you would have liked. But I wouldn't spend any more time fretting over it or wanting another do-over. Instead, I'd let him know what you actually need from him in terms of showing his love now that you are engaged and are getting married.

    I do think you need to examine closely whether your fiance is indifferent to your feelings and need for romantic gestures as opposed to feeling awkward about making them. It would be okay to tell him, "I love you very much and I'm looking forward to our wedding and honeymoon as the start of a wonderful future. I'm hoping that you can find ways to express love for me that come across as romantic and really caring about me. Based on your proposal to me, it seems like this is not easy for you, but it is really important to me." 
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  • leanner9777leanner9777 member
    First Comment
    We also had a "mere formality" proposal as I had already begun wedding planning and we'd settled on a date before he officially asked. I say just enjoy the proposal you got and stop worrying about it...it is a cute story you'll appreciate later.  That said let me tell you about mine and how I now have to lie about it forever...and how lack luster it also was. LOL

    First I knew what ring I was getting because he needed me to e-mail HR a document I had on my computer so he let me log in to his e-mail.  He had filed the actual order confirmation out of his inbox but he failed to delete the "did you make this foreign purchase" e-mail from his bank and I saw the company name and knew immediately what it was as I had only linked him to one ring from that shop.  No big deal...though i was a little sad I wouldn't be surprised.  He knew I knew because I had a friend who, unbeknownst to me, was play super secret spy for him.  Then we had a trip to Vegas planned and I had suspected he might ask there but when I got everything packed and the suitcase locked I figured there was no way because he wouldn't risk losing the ring at the airport in his pocket or anything.  So we got to Vegas and on day two I said, "Hey, I'm going to put that extra cash in the safe..." I only knew we had a safe because he was playing with it when we arrived...the man loves pushing buttons.  He didn't answer because he was watching videos on his phone.  So I opened the safe using his default PIN...and saw the ring box. Looked at him expecting him to be on his knee and just work it into his whole plan....nope still on his phone. So I closed the safe and put the money elsewhere and pretended that never happen. He still doesn't know this happen...not sure I'll ever tell him.

    On our last full day there two days after I saw the ring box, we had lunch at Hell's Kitchen...no proposal. We walked all over the strip...nada.  We had dinner at In and Out (big deal to us because they don't exist where we live)...nope.  He insisted on watching the fountains at the bellagio. Nice, sweet, romantic, "that has to be when he'll ask..."  NOPE.  On the way back to the train to get back to our hotel he stopped us on one of the bridges to take a selfie....we took a selfie and that was it. Continued walking back to the train...which, if you are unfamiliar, runs behind the hotels on the strip, it's almost like a different world back there...minimal lighting, nothing pretty, overgrown shrubs, homeless people...it's not glamourous. We're alone on an elevated walkway overlooking a parking lot and he just stopped walking, reached into his pocket, pulled out the box and said, "...." literally nothing.  Just opened the box and looked at me with teary eyes...I cried and of course said yes.  Then he said, while we were waiting for the train, "Can we just tell everyone it happen out where we took the selfie and not a dark alley behind the Flamingo?"  I agreed.  Days later he said, "By the way, I had a bunch of really sweet things prepared to say, so much I was going to tell you and I just froze. I also wanted to do it at the fountains but there were too many people around."

    It was a sweet and perfectly him the way it went down...but forever I had to tell people he asked on a bridge in the bright lights of Vegas rather than telling the actual story. So I say embrace the story you have.
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