Yeah! - A wedding Prudie letter
My sister’s wedding is in September, and recently, she has been starting to stress out about not getting everything done. Her new MIL is definitely one of those old-school wealthy people who thinks certain protocols should be followed, but is otherwise a very lovely woman. She gave my sister and fiancé most of the money for the wedding with a certain set of general expectations. I only knew how much my mother gave, but I knew there was a lot of money involved and that this was going to be a black-tie optional event.
For the last couple of weeks, my sister has been calling my mother and other women in the bridal party crying about not having some small detail for the wedding figured out. She’s had us running errands, doing internet searches for certain things, and when those fail, DIY-ing. And she expects perfection. At first, I was okay with this, thinking that a black-tie optional wedding was going to be somewhat expensive and the help was warranted. Well, my mom and I were so frustrated one night trying to figure out something for the wedding that we opened up a bottle of wine. After a while, my mom started complaining that she didn’t know why we had to do this when my sister got all the money she did. I pressed my mom a bit and found out my sister got over $150,000! She could have easily bought this stuff she was asking us to make. So I asked why my sister wasn’t just buying what she needs. My mom said it was because she wants to use as much of this money as possible to put a down payment on a house and will probably have $50,000-to-$75,000 left over. I was in shock. Please note that my sister has been making us shell out a ton of money for this wedding. Our dresses are more than $300. We had to get expensive matching $200 shoes. She’s required all of us to get makeup and hair done by stylists in the same, expensive style. Just what I have to pay for the wedding day alone (not to mention bachelorette party or travel costs) will be over $1000. I’ve had friends with much smaller budgets that paid for all or part of these things.
I told my mom I was backing out of the wedding. She talked me down, but I couldn’t stop myself from calling my sister. I told her that I wasn’t going to do any more DIY for her wedding. She flew into a rage saying I should do anything I can for her day. I told her I would do anything within reason, but having other people DIY stuff wasn’t for her big day, it was for the down payment on her house. She said I should do anything for that, too! I couldn’t take it. I hung up and haven’t spoken to her in two weeks. I really, really, want to drop out of the wedding. My mom says I can’t back out now. I told her even if I didn’t back out, there was no way I was doing anything other than what is required of me at the rehearsal and the wedding. My mom thinks this is unreasonable and that when I signed up to be a bridesmaid, I signed up to help the bride with whatever she needs. I just cannot take this. Is it too late to back out? If so, should I “disappear” around the times that she is going to have people doing outrageous things for her that she should be paying for?
— Bitter Bridesmaid
Re: Yeah! - A wedding Prudie letter
Keep saying no. They can say whatever they want; they're still assholes.
My SIL also made us pay for EVERYTHING to be a BM and we threw her a shower and attended 2 other ones and then i found out she and her H "saved so much money" that they had like 5k left over (their parents paid for the wedding) and i'd be LIVID if it was upwards of 75k. I obviously never said anything and was happy to do the showers/gifts, but was very salty that I had to pay hundreds of dollars to be a BM (and I sang at their wedding mass so wasn't even standing up front most of the time).
But what she has already told her sister is perfect and she needs to stick to it, ie no more money and no more time, because it's already been too much and you don't need any of it for your dream wedding.
Apparently the sister thinks family should help with house down payments. When the LW is ready to buy a house, they should remind the sister of that with their hand out. Mmmm...hmmm. We'll see how "family helps" the sister feels, when it's the reverse.
I also blame the indoctrination, especially for little girls, that starts from before we're even old enough to start talking.
The whole "brides and weddings are supposed to be like this (insert all the stereotypes)". I remember being a little girl...even as young as 5...and having many conversations with my friends about our future wedding. And what our dresses were going to look like. It's sickening to remember that through adult eyes. OMG the gender princess bullshit starts so early. I didn't even have a chance.
So then there is this "expectation and entitlement" of an event that costs $30K+. Which I have no issue with when people choose it purposefully (without blinders) and can comfortably afford it. Whether those "people" are the couple and/or their parents/family (who offer the money, without being asked or any pressure).
I think if I'd gotten married in my 20s, I still would have been spellbound. But, fortunately, I got married in my late 30s. I'd partially snapped out of it because I realized the much more important stuff (to me) that money can do.