Dear Prudence,
A few years ago, I met a man on a dating app. We hit it off immediately, but he was honest from the beginning that he wasn’t looking for anything serious and wanted to keep seeing and sleeping with other women. I had spent most of my adult life in back-to-back serious, long-term relationships and thought something casual could be nice, so I agreed.
We spent the next few years texting daily and meeting a few times per month for events, fancy meals, and amazing sex. We would check in every now and then about our arrangement, and he’d reiterate that he cared about me and enjoyed my company a lot, but that he still wanted to be free to sow his wild oats and that I shouldn’t think of myself as his girlfriend, or expect things to ever get more serious. Again, this was fine with me, I never expected any different, and I enjoyed how easy, fun, and stress-free our “relationship” was.
Things changed earlier this year when he was diagnosed with a serious illness. He took unpaid leave from his job to pursue treatment. We have continued to see each other regularly and I help out here and there with housework, meal prepping and rides to appointments when he’s feeling really sick and exhausted from treatment.
Recently, he told me that his savings are depleted. He asked if I would consider letting him move in with me rent-free and if I’d take on a larger role in caring for him while he recovers. I declined without much consideration, but told him I’d help him find some other resources. To me, that is the role of a serious partner or wife, not a casual friend with benefits. He told me that he would stop seeing other people and that I could be his girlfriend if I agreed to let him move in (I get the impression that his other lovers have already abandoned him anyway), but I still declined.
While I care about him, he has spent the last few years telling me on a regular basis that I’m not his girlfriend and that he will never want anything serious with me, so I think it’s unreasonable for him to expect something as serious as cohabitation and full-time care. I enjoyed our arrangement until now because it was fun and stress-free. I have no desire to spend the next several months or years of my life caring for him. He was the one who set the limited parameters of our relationship in the first place, so I feel like he gave away the possibility of any “wife privileges” long ago. He says I’m being cruel and callous by abandoning him in his time of need, and my friends agree. But there is no “in sickness and in health” with a casual lover. I feel no bitterness towards him for keeping me at arm’s length all these years, but I also feel no obligation to let him move in and to nurse him back to health. I’d be willing to help out a bit more at his place, but that’s all. I think I’m sticking to my boundaries but my friends think I’m a monster. Who is right?