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War Wife

CasadenaCasadena member
Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,

I love my boyfriend more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. He makes me feel safe, loved, and cared for. However, he works for the Department of War in a top-secret role and cannot tell me anything about his work. I am fundamentally anti-war—I’ve organized protests for peace since I was 16. I didn’t know anything about his work beyond “I work for the government” before I fell in love with him. I don’t know exactly what he does and never will, but I am sure I would disapprove of it. It legitimately keeps me up every night wondering what he’s doing at work. I worry this will drive us apart. Is there any path forward?

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Re: War Wife

  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Department of Defense.  The EO changed the name but it takes the act of Congress to make it official.

    There's so much that isn't black and white in government and I'd wonder what their ages are as well.  Living in an area with plenty who are employed at DoD contractors it's murky.

    But you may need to have a broader conversation with your boyfriend not just on his job but on his ethics.  And if you find you're not ethically compatible you need to break up with him.   You are going to drive yourself crazy trying to get him to change.
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Yeah, saying you're super anti-war and then calling it by the fake name instead of the real one makes me raise an eyebrow too. I definitely am not calling it by DOW. Agreed on the ethics conversations. 


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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    He may not be able to talk about his job at all, but she can have discussions with him exploring topics that are important to her.  If they align on those values, I think that's more important than his job.

    Though I do find it a little hard to believe he can't talk about his job in broad, general strokes.  
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I’m so curious if he worked there prior to 2025 or if he started specifically in this administration? What are his values on war, conflict, violence in general? Do his values align with yours? You may not be a good match but he also might not be a warmonger just because of where he works. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 25000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    short+sassy said:
    He may not be able to talk about his job at all, but she can have discussions with him exploring topics that are important to her.  If they align on those values, I think that's more important than his job.

    Though I do find it a little hard to believe he can't talk about his job in broad, general strokes.  
    DH's best friend had a top secret job that was so secret he could only name the town in VA where his office was...which didn't have a window.   So...the strokes might need to be really broad but that doesn't mean you can't have discussions on issues and where you stand.  
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