How to ask...

BeamingBride22Be · February 2013

I

Summer2011Bride · February 2013

If you are inviting them as guests, you cannot ask them to work while at your wedding. That would be awful.

You could discuss HIRING them as non-guests to come and work at your wedding, ie. paying them for doing this. However, I would probably reconsider the babysitter idea overall. Many parents don't want to leave their kids with a stranger at the wedding. If they want a night away from the kids, they'll hire their own sitter. If they bring the kids to the wedding, they obviously want to spend time with them there.

JoanE2012 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5376abb9-99b0-4bd5-acdf-fb935b7fed09Post:bd17ae12-1590-4a03-ad57-64d337e0ba7a">How to ask...</a>:
[QUOTE]I used to work as an afterschool teacher and the ladies I work with would always talk about being invited to our wedding and how they want to come. I really wanted to ask them to babysit during the ceremony and reception (at those locations) for the young children (our wedding party's children) that will be there. Is that rude? I trust them since I know they have worked with kids so long. How would I go about doing this? We are sending save the dates this week and I wanted to ask them to babysit before they received a STD or invitation...
Posted by BeamingBride22Be[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Bad idea. They've mentioned about always wanting to come to your wedding. They didn't say they wanted to babysit at your wedding, right? Invite your coworkers and let them enjoy the ceremony and receoption. Allow the children to be seated with their parents. The parents of the children will no doubt feel more comfortable too.

</div>

BeamingBride22Be · February 2013

Childrean are not allowed at the wedding. Hence, I said only the children of our wedding party... who are our nieces and nephews and best friends children. Thats why I wanted someone I could trust, I really didn't want to invite them to our wedding...

Sassenach1743 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5376abb9-99b0-4bd5-acdf-fb935b7fed09Post:bd17ae12-1590-4a03-ad57-64d337e0ba7a">How to ask...</a>:
[QUOTE]I used to work as an afterschool teacher and the ladies I work with would always talk about being invited to our wedding and how they want to come. I really wanted to ask them to babysit during the ceremony and reception (at those locations) for the young children (our wedding party's children) that will be there. Is that rude? I trust them since I know they have worked with kids so long. How would I go about doing this? We are sending save the dates this week and <strong>I wanted to ask them to babysit before they received a STD or invitation...</strong>
Posted by BeamingBride22Be[/QUOTE]

<div>So are you inviting them or not? If you send a STD then you are indicating that you are inviting them and an invitation must then follow. If you ask them to babysit the kids at your wedding on top of sending them an invite then you're being ridiculously rude. Are they your guests or not? </div><div>
</div><div>If you don't want to invite them then don't. But don't ask to hire them to babysit either... they will probably be insulted. Especially if they've expressed desire to attend your wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>Unless they've offered to work your event to help you out with the kids (which is not what you've stated in your OP) then you should forget this idea. </div>

bridalmarch · February 2013

I just left a response to this on the other board...why do the children IN the wedding need watching DURING the ceremony? If it's really only those kids, then ask the parents what they want to do. When my FSIL got married two years ago, her sister was MOH and her nephew was the ring bearer. Other FSIL made arrangements to have her son picked up after the ceremony but a regular babysitter so she could enjoy the reception.

Simply Fated · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5376abb9-99b0-4bd5-acdf-fb935b7fed09Post:bd17ae12-1590-4a03-ad57-64d337e0ba7a">How to ask...</a>:
[QUOTE]I used to work as an afterschool teacher and<strong> the ladies I work with would always talk about being invited to our wedding and how they want to come.</strong> I really wanted to ask them to babysit during the ceremony and reception (at those locations) for the young children (our wedding party's children) that will be there. Is that rude? I trust them since I know they have worked with kids so long. How would I go about doing this? We are sending save the dates this week and I wanted to ask them to babysit before they received a STD or invitation...
Posted by BeamingBride22Be[/QUOTE]
They want to attend your wedding as guests, though, right? I think it would be a slap to invite them... to <em>work</em> at your wedding.

BeamingBride22Be · February 2013

I would not be inviting these women, excuse me for being confusing in my original statement. I was thinking it would be nice for them to have one of our magnet STDs if they were helping me by babysitting my nieces and nephews during the ceremony/reception. I am not close enough to them to invite them, and it really put me in an awkward situation by having them tell me they were wanting to come to the wedding. Weddings aren't cheap and it always bothers me for someone to assume they are invited. I would be paying them, even letting them eat at the reception.

BeamingBride22Be · February 2013

I have asked the parents what they want to do. Everyone in our wedding party is traveling to come to the wedding and would like someone that I know and can trust to watch their children during the ceremony and reception. This is why I wanted to ask these women.

ltaylor713 · February 2013

If you're not close to them just don't invite them. Definitely don't send them a STD magnet or ask them to babysit, because it would probably come across as insulting to them. Even though it is annoying when people invite themselves places, you still don't want to hurt their feelings unintentionally, and I think either of those things would do that.

Simply Fated · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5376abb9-99b0-4bd5-acdf-fb935b7fed09Post:6026b69d-82ee-43db-b852-9acfbcf364a8">Re: How to ask...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have asked the parents what they want to do. Everyone in our wedding party is traveling to come to the wedding and would like someone that I know and can trust to watch their children during the ceremony and reception. This is why I wanted to ask these women.
Posted by BeamingBride22Be[/QUOTE]
I totally understand not wanting to invite them because you aren't close to them. but I'm telling you, if they want to attend as guests, they'll be offended if you ask them to work your wedding.<div>Your best bet is to not invite them, as guests OR workers. </div><div>
</div><div>It's rude of them to assume they're invited and to hound you for an invitiation. Asking them to work your wedding is not going to appease them. They'll probably just say, "thanks, but I'd rather attend as a guest."</div><div>I think if you want to avoid offending them AND avoiding any potential awkwardness, is to not invite them as either a guest or a worker. And if they mention the wedding again, just change the subject. </div>

BeamingBride22Be · February 2013

Should I really care if they are offended? I mean, like I said I really am not close with them. What if they said "sure they would love to help out by babysitting" (pay and dinner provided) if for some reason they say "no I want to come as a guest" I could say "I'm sorry unfortunately, we do not have the room" if they are offended then that's that...?

brielleinlove · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5376abb9-99b0-4bd5-acdf-fb935b7fed09Post:26039aae-a930-49a5-b792-07e1863189b6">Re: How to ask...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Should I really care if they are offended?</strong> I mean, like I said I really am not close with them. What if they said "sure they would love to help out by babysitting" (pay and dinner provided) if for some reason they say "no I want to come as a guest" I could say "I'm sorry unfortunately, we do not have the room" if they are offended then that's that...?
Posted by BeamingBride22Be[/QUOTE]

<div>If you are a decent person, yes. You don't have to like someone to do the right thing by them. It is crappy to make someone believe you are going to invite them to your wedding and then ask them to perform an annoying, time-consuming task that you don't even know if they like (they may work with kids for their day job, but do they like doing it in their spare time?)and that the parents of the children may not want to take advantage of.</div><div>
</div><div>Just don't invite them. </div>

mlg78 · February 2013

It sounds like their feelings will be hurt to be not invited but to be asked to work so I think it's best you find childcare elsewhere. I babysit a lot in my spare time and parents find me on www.sittercity.com where you can search for highly qualified sitters.

BeamingBride22Be · February 2013

I never made them believe they were invited. I want to ask them, I trust them to watch children that I care about. Why should I find someone online when I know of good childcare already. If it were me, I would have been honored for someone to ask me that and tell me they would pay me and I could eat and enjoy the reception without having to buy a gift.....

brielleinlove · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5376abb9-99b0-4bd5-acdf-fb935b7fed09Post:a35eb32b-6da7-41f4-b3f1-36fcd1047915">Re: How to ask...</a>:
[QUOTE]I never made them believe they were invited. I want to ask them, I trust them to watch children that I care about. Why should I find someone online when I know of good childcare already. If it were me, I would have been honored for someone to ask me that and tell me they would pay me and I could eat and enjoy the reception without having to buy a gift.....
Posted by BeamingBride22Be[/QUOTE]
How would they get to enjoy the reception if they were expected to babysit during it? That makes absolutely no sense to me.<div>
</div><div>I cannot think of a single person I know who would be "honored" to be asked to work at a coworker's wedding. However, it sounds as though you are going to do whatever you want anyway. Don't expect these women to be "honored" that you are asking them to perform a crappy task at your wedding.</div>

Simply Fated · February 2013

Should I really care if they are offended? I mean, like I said I really am not close with them. What if they said "sure they would love to help out by babysitting" (pay and dinner provided) if for some reason they say "no I want to come as a guest" I could say "I'm sorry unfortunately, we do not have the room" if they are offended then that's that...?

You have to work with them. if you offend them, the reprecussions are going to follow you into the workplace.

Do you want to risk that?

I never made them believe they were invited. I want to ask them, I trust them to watch children that I care about. Why should I find someone online when I know of good childcare already. If it were me, I would have been honored for someone to ask me that and tell me they would pay me and I could eat and enjoy the reception without having to buy a gift.....

I'm so confused by this.

Let's break it down.

We never said you made them believe they were invited.

it's fabulous you trust them, but after you offend them, will you still trust them to do you a favor?

So... you are inviting them to the reception to enjoy themselves. But... as paid help? Like a vendor? That's not joyful, that sucks.

As far as you saying you'd be honored, you're blowing smoke up our butts... and your own if you honestly believe what you're saying. "Sorry, I'm not close enough to invite you to my wedding as a friend, but how about you come as paid help, instead?" That's not an honour, that's the opposite of an honour.

BeamingBride22Be · February 2013

I am talking about them watching three very sweet, good-mannered children who will be out most of the time during the reception and with parents. So those co workers could enjoy it as well. I think it would be very nice to pay them and allow them to enjoy and eat at the reception....

Simply Fated · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5376abb9-99b0-4bd5-acdf-fb935b7fed09Post:aa44881f-edef-4f0a-922b-25019a7c3b81">Re: How to ask...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am talking about them watching three very sweet, good-mannered children who will be out most of the time during the reception and with parents. So those co workers could enjoy it as well. I think it would be very nice to pay them and allow them to enjoy and eat at the reception....
Posted by BeamingBride22Be[/QUOTE]
If this is the case, then why do you need to hire help to watch them? Surely their parents can, ya know... parent.

thejucheidea · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5376abb9-99b0-4bd5-acdf-fb935b7fed09Post:aa44881f-edef-4f0a-922b-25019a7c3b81">Re: How to ask...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am talking about them watching three very sweet, good-mannered children who will be out most of the time during the reception and with parents.
Posted by BeamingBride22Be[/QUOTE]
...... why would you need multiple people for three children?

[Deleted User] · February 2013

I think that asking them to babysit, while sending them a STD, is rude. STD = invitation

I understand wanting to offer childcare, but I would suggest using a third party so as not to make your worklife awkward with these women. I would be offended if I was given a STD but told that I was really only wanted there so that I could paid to babysit. It's a mixed message.

Keep all your wedding talk to a minimum with these women. If you would not invite them as guests, I would not invite them to work (paid, or not) at your wedding.

Xstatic3333 · February 2013

I have been asked by a coworker to babysit at her wedding. I had no expectation that I would have been a guest, and I might have done it for the extra work except she threw in an awkward comment about how this way I'd get to see the ceremony and wouldn't that be great? It was very awkward, and did make me feel like a b list guest. I get where you're coming from, but I wouldn't do this. They will be offended. I suggest Sitter City, all of their sitters are background checked and lots of child care pros I know use it.

Jen4948 · February 2013

If these coworkers have received an STD from you, you need to invite them. And you need not to ask them to babysit.

I would not appreciate being asked to babysit at a wedding I wasn't invited to.

Skip that idea.

NOLAbridealmost · February 2013

OP, everything.....EVERYTHING you've said about the number of kids and the expectations you have of them indicates that you 100% do not need babysitting services at your event. If you insist that you do, everything else you've said indicates that your coworkers are not the right people for the job because it would be awkward. I say skip the sitters and just ignore wedding related questions from your coworkers just as you would for any uninvited person who starts fishing for an invitation. Otherwise look into high school or college aged family friends who you can pay to do it since it sounds like they won't be doing much anyway.

JaxInBlue · February 2013

Agree with PPs. Asking people who want to be guests to work at your wedding - even if you don't want them to be guests - isn't a good idea.

I understand wanting to provide childcare you trust; DH and I hired two family-approved babysitters for our reception to give parents a little downtime. But, and I think this is key, the babysitters we hired knew they were being hired to work for a specific period - after dinner until the last kid went home - and were never under the impression they would have been guests. They appreciated a paying job, we appreciated their work, just as we did all the vendors we used that day.

If you want to provide childcare for your wedding party children (and I agree 1 person would probably be sufficient unless there are special needs), I'd tap into your network to find someone who is not expecting or wishing for an invitation.

jessicabessica · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5376abb9-99b0-4bd5-acdf-fb935b7fed09Post:26039aae-a930-49a5-b792-07e1863189b6">Re: How to ask...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Should I really care if they are offended?</strong> I mean, like I said I really am not close with them. What if they said "sure they would love to help out by babysitting" (pay and dinner provided) if for some reason they say "no I want to come as a guest" I could say "I'm sorry unfortunately, we do not have the room" if they are offended then that's that...?
Posted by BeamingBride22Be[/QUOTE]

<div>Seriously? Yes, you should care. You should try to be a nice person, generally. If that's not persuasive to you, then consider that if they are offended, they probably will refuse to babysit at your wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>This is a bad idea all around. It's fine not to invite them, but don't involve them in your wedding at all. If you still feel you need child care, look elsewhere.</div>

BeamingBride22Be · February 2013

Used to work with.... *used* to work with. I do not still work with them. I feel like I am not getting very good help and advice because 1) You all aren't reading my post. 2) I am only being put down and told I am a terrible person. We aren't discussing it like I thought we could. Isn't this a place brides can come for help, not to be put down. I thought I would try getting good advice, because I am really in a tough spot but this only makes me dissapointed with the knot. Thanks for all of your opinions, it was my fault for asking.

misssunshine17 · February 2013

OP, the wedding bee will validate all of your bad ideas.

BeamingBride22Be · February 2013

Thanks again for your helpful post, misssunshine. It's sad that you come on to the knot to vent and get helpful ideas where I have to turn around to my fiance and vent about how upsetting this was. This may be a bad idea, and I may be completely wrong which it sure sounds like I am... there are nicer ways to go about this though.

AddieCake · February 2013

This just has MUD written all over it.

bridalmarch · February 2013

OP, we don't know you. I'm sure you're wonderful, but a statement like "should I really care f they are offended?" just doesn't paint a pretty picture of you. These people were your friends. You don't get to not care about their feelings because it's your wedding day.

Why do three children need two babysitters? How old are these kids that they can't sit with their parents or an adult they know during the ceremony? My 19 month old sits quietly in church and looks at her books, so I have a hard time believing an older child couldn't (unless like a PP said, there are special needs involved, in which case you should use a sitter that is trained for that) As for the reception, if you are okay with paying for your sitters to eat and the kids are going to be with their parents for the majority, it really sounds like you should just invite your former coworkers as guests and forget about babysitting. Or were you planning on providing vendor meals for these women?

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