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Might not be divorced before wedding

cwcottagecwcottage member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Okay this is an unusual situation. I have been separated for over 3 years. Divorce papers were filed in Oct. of 08. My ex was supposed to sign them 3 times now and hasn't. The last time being last month. Divorce was supposed to be final on Valentine's Day appropriately enough. Last Oct. I became engaged. I know this is putting the cart before the proverbial horse but I am an older bride (47) and I know this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. The wedding is set for Sept. 4 of this year. I was confident the divorce would be final in time for the wedding. Now I'm not so sure. Everything is booked and my fiance and I have talked about what if...We decided to go forward with the ceremony although we may not be legally married and then once the divorce is final get married legally at the court house. Are we nuts? Has anyone else heard of someone having to do this???
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Re: Might not be divorced before wedding

  • PsyDet 2155PsyDet 2155
    First Comment
    No, I have never heard of anyone doing this.  Sounds like a tough situation though. I would get divorced then worry about another wedding.
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  • salt78salt78 member
    First Comment
    What would possess you to get engaged before your divorce was final?
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  • ggmaeggmae member
    First Comment
    That just sounds like a really bad idea. Once the papers are signed, how long will it take to finalize? Have you talked to your (ex) husband about why he hasn't signed the papers?
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  • BlameCanadaBlameCanada
    First Comment
    You are insane.  Divorce your husband before marrying your FI.  You cannot marry someone while still married to somoene else.
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  • sucrets4sucrets4 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    Don't have a fake wedding because you planned poorly.
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Really bad idea. Unfortunately, it sounds like you're going to lose some deposits.
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  • btrflykate1230btrflykate1230 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    Yeah, bad idea to get engaged before the divorce was finalized.

    Nothing you can do now if he won't sign them. I'd be pissed if I witnessed a "marriage" between two people and one of them was still married.
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  • cwcottagecwcottage member
    First Comment
    Like I mentioned, he was supposed to sign the papers 3 times now. I got engaged before actually getting the papers signed because they were supposed to be signed lol I am ready to move on after 3 years. I'm sure you ladies are younger and having your first marriage but when you are older you realize time is of the essence. I cannot contact the ex. There is a restrianing order. I have contacted his attorney. Once he signs the divorce will be final as soon as the attorney files the papers with the court. No waiting. This is why I had every reason to believe it would be done months before my wedding. And yes you can have a ceremony and not actully be legally married at that time. For example renewing your vows is a wedding ceremony but not anything legal. Some gay marriages are a ceremony but not legal. To us that would be our wedding day. It's interesting how some of the responses are so judgemental.
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  • LesaBearLesaBear member
    First Comment
    How does your FI feel about it?
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  • cwcottagecwcottage member
    First Comment

    Pissed? How funny. My friends and family support us and would never feel that way. We will have the ceremony, no deposits lost. I'm just totally blown away by the people posting here. Wow lol I'm not going to even read anymore. I appreciate your opinions but something a little more positive was what I had expected.

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  • salt78salt78 member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_might-not-divorced-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3fafc0f1-5003-4afe-a2ed-d20c2509a375Post:26c4a6f8-7014-48a1-8f35-f0569ee8c0b0">Re: Might not be divorced before wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sure you ladies are younger and having your first marriage but when you are older you realize time is of the essence. 
    Posted by cwcottage[/QUOTE]

    <div>That is the poorest excuse for making a stupid decision like this.</div><div>If there is a restraining order and your ex is such a loser, you shouldn't have expected him to do things the way you wanted.</div>
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  • salt78salt78 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_might-not-divorced-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3fafc0f1-5003-4afe-a2ed-d20c2509a375Post:7c8ab6e6-d614-4392-bf50-51bbebcdc788">Re: Might not be divorced before wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Pissed? How funny. My friends and family support us and would never feel that way. We will have the ceremony, no deposits lost. I'm just totally blown away by the people posting here. Wow lol I'm not going to even read anymore. I appreciate your opinions but something a little more positive was what I had expected.
    Posted by cwcottage[/QUOTE]

    <div>Sorry we didn't validate your stupid decision.</div>
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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    First Comment
    edited March 2010
    Don't have a fake wedding. Please.

    Get a lawyer & get it done. Is a petition actually filed or do you just have a proposed settlement? If filed, has he answered? Can you default him? Have you been to mediation? I'm not asking these questions for you to answer them here, but so you can think about what the next step is & get this thing finalized. Educate yourself with the divorce laws in your state & get it moving. Most states have a no-fault, so one party can't prevent the other from a divorce. He can be difficult & not want to settle fairly, but you can always give him everything & walk away. (unless there are kids involved.) Talk to a lawyer ( or go to the clerk/ self help place) & get this done.

    Edit: After reading your last post... get a lawyer. His lawyer represents him - not you. His lawyer might never file anything if his client wants to make this difficult. If you have a lawyer get him/her to get this done now. Or sch a final hearing yourself.

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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    Hey!  It's like the movie Sweet Home Alabama!

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  • cwcottagecwcottage member
    First Comment
    He feels the same way I do. Have the ceremony and then have it done legally later. There is still a good chance the paperwork will be done in time. I'm not concerned since we have it hashed out. Our vows, commitment and love are what is important. Not a piece of paper that will come in time anyway.
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  • fairbanksgrrrlfairbanksgrrrl
    First Comment
    What a crappy situation.  I can understand your impatience after 3 years, but if it were me, I'd want to be clear of all that before moving on with a new union.  Why sully that memory with the knowledge that you were married to someone else when it took place?

    If you decide to go forward, I highly recommend being open to wedding invitees about the status of your previous marriage.  Like PP mentioned, some people might be very opposed to witnessing a ceremony, even if only symbolic, with one of the parties already married. 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    Yes, you're right. Your situation is completely unique. Please move forward with your fake wedding while you are still married.

    Seriously, I understand your frustration, but you made the choice to move forward with booking things with out having everything finalized. That is a risk that I would never take. And like Salt said, if he was such a fuuck that you needed a restraining order, you probably should have expected things wouldn't go so smoothly.
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  • andyandhillaryandyandhillary member
    First Comment
    Word, Salt.

    Don't act like you were asking a real question.  You weren't.  You were looking for validation.  You don't come to this board unless you want the truth.  Also, have you considered that your family and friends are just saying that to be nice?  That's what this board is for, so you can ask a question before you do something regrettable. 
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  • ggmaeggmae member
    First Comment
    I honestly would not have started planning another wedding until I was officially divorced. But I'm cautious like that.
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  • ggmaeggmae member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_might-not-divorced-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3fafc0f1-5003-4afe-a2ed-d20c2509a375Post:b362d5e1-f211-4439-bb2d-a386b4cee711">Re: Might not be divorced before wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]He feels the same way I do. Have the ceremony and then have it done legally later. There is still a good chance the paperwork will be done in time. I'm not concerned since we have it hashed out. Our vows, commitment and love are what is important.<strong> Not a piece of paper that will come in time anyway.</strong>
    Posted by cwcottage[/QUOTE]

    But what if he never signs the papers?
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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    First Comment
    OP do you have a lawyer?

    Hope so,  if not it may never be filed. This could be a power play. Controlling men (since you have the restraining order) like to control the divorce process too.

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  • salt78salt78 member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_might-not-divorced-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3fafc0f1-5003-4afe-a2ed-d20c2509a375Post:b362d5e1-f211-4439-bb2d-a386b4cee711">Re: Might not be divorced before wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Our vows, commitment and love are what is important. 
    Posted by cwcottage[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah too bad you would have to say them while still being actually married to some other guy. Lames.</div>
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  • sucrets4sucrets4 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_might-not-divorced-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3fafc0f1-5003-4afe-a2ed-d20c2509a375Post:26c4a6f8-7014-48a1-8f35-f0569ee8c0b0">Re: Might not be divorced before wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Like I mentioned, he was supposed to sign the papers 3 times now. I got engaged before actually getting the papers signed because they were supposed to be signed lol I am ready to move on after 3 years. I'm sure you ladies are younger and having your first marriage but when you are older you realize time is of the essence. I cannot contact the ex. There is a restrianing order. I have contacted his attorney. Once he signs the divorce will be final as soon as the attorney files the papers with the court. No waiting. This is why I had every reason to believe it would be done months before my wedding. And yes you can have a ceremony and not actully be legally married at that time. For example renewing your vows is a wedding ceremony but not anything legal. <strong>Some gay marriages are a ceremony but not legal.</strong> To us that would be our wedding day. It's interesting how some of the responses are so judgemental.
    Posted by cwcottage[/QUOTE]

    It is absolutely mind blowing that you have the balls to compare yourself to people who cannot LEGALLY get married in most states.  I don't give two craps about what 'should' have happened.  It didn't.  And you jumped the gun by actively planning your wedding before getting confirmation on what should have  happened.

    I'd be pissed if I sat through your 'wedding' only to find out that it wasn't actually that. 

    Age has nothing to do with it...apparently stupidity is timeless.
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  • cwcottagecwcottage member
    First Comment

    salt78 you are a mean person. I feel bad for the man you are marrying.

    redhead, I have taken it as far as I can. There are kids involved and a lot of property. I cannot give him everything and walk away. I have worked 30 years for what I have. Things are always more complicated then they appear. I do appreciate your advice. And yes he is a not a very good person right now. Some things happened to him in the last few years of our marriage that changed him.

    To all the hateful posters...I won't say what I would like to say because even posting here I have concern for other people's feelings and don't hide behind my computer. Maybe once you are older and wiser you will learn some respect for others.

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  • cwcottagecwcottage member
    First Comment
    LOL What a bunch of losers. I'm out of here. God help you all :LOL
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  • shellydiane820shellydiane820 member
    First Comment Combo Breaker
    I hope you're reading.  I'm one more person that isn't agreeing with that.

    Has it occurred to you, if you're not legally divorced by then, its something your real husband can use against you in court?

    Don't be silly.  You're older, you should know patience is a virtue.
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  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    First Comment
    If you have kids & a complicated divorce -- I would talk to your  lawyer about a wedding before the divorce. (I hope you have one)  Ask for any possible legal consequences. (There may not be any, but there could be.)

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  • salt78salt78 member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_might-not-divorced-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3fafc0f1-5003-4afe-a2ed-d20c2509a375Post:a2e5f757-91e0-4568-8428-e6895b3f54f9">Re: Might not be divorced before wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]salt78 you are a mean person. I feel bad for the man you are marrying.
    Posted by cwcottage[/QUOTE]

    <div>*shrug* I guess sometimes the truth can be mean.</div><div>
    </div><div>Oh and I'm already married thanks. Our totally legal ceremony was wonderful. </div><div>
    </div>
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  • shellydiane820shellydiane820 member
    First Comment Combo Breaker
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_might-not-divorced-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3fafc0f1-5003-4afe-a2ed-d20c2509a375Post:08301900-67af-42bf-a938-2abdd7469643">Re: Might not be divorced before wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]LOL What a bunch of losers. I'm out of here. God help you all :LOL
    Posted by cwcottage[/QUOTE]


    God blessed my wedding...and so did the State of Illinois :)
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  • BlameCanadaBlameCanada
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_might-not-divorced-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3fafc0f1-5003-4afe-a2ed-d20c2509a375Post:7c8ab6e6-d614-4392-bf50-51bbebcdc788">Re: Might not be divorced before wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]Pissed? How funny. My friends and family support us and would never feel that way. We will have the ceremony, no deposits lost. I'm just totally blown away by the people posting here. Wow lol I'm not going to even read anymore. I appreciate your opinions but something a little more positive was what I had expected.
    Posted by cwcottage[/QUOTE]

    You came to the wrong place.  What you are doing is wrong.  Your "vows" to your current FI won't mean shiit if you take them while still married to someone else.  You should have made sure all of your ducks were in order before making your plans.  You didn't and now you will have to postpone.

    And no a vow renewal is not a wedding ceremony.  It is a vow renewal.  It has a different name for a reason.
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