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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Babies? No Babies?

Yet another question I can only pose to y'all, and kind of a spin-off of Andy's.  So we've been talking about babies lately.  Now that I have a job we are in a much better financial situation, and have set up a long-term plan in regards to getting me a new car (next fall) and getting ourselves a house (2013).  We had both decided that we didn't want to be birthin' no babies years ago, but since our friends have all started popping them out (and trying for second-rounders) Noodle has been wavering and now he wants kids.  I waver between wanting them and not wanting them - I love babies and like the idea of kids in general, but I get kind of panicky at the idea of having one of my own, and being responsible for it (or them) for the next 18 years at least, and worrying about them when they're gone, and other more selfish things (like not being able to pick up and go on mini-vacays anymore or just kind of doing what we want, when we want).

Anyways, I've always felt that I shouldn't have a baby unless I'm 100% sure I want one, and we're 100% prepared and everything is perfectly timed.  But now I wonder if anybody is really 100% sure and 100% prepared, and if I'm overthinking things and should just go out and get womb-jacked.  And I wonder if people are often not 100% sure but it works out in the end.  SO.  Knottie moms.  HALP.
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If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

«13

Re: Babies? No Babies?

  • I'm not a mom, but we're in the trying stages.  I don't think you're ever 100% ready or that there's a 100% perfect time.  Yeah, get as many ducks in a row as you can, but don't overthink it so much.  Worrying about what will happen 18 years from now? Not worth it. 

    I think if you're emotionally ready, you want it, and you can financially care for it, then why not?
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  • Not a mom, but I am 100% sure I want one. But I don't think I'll ever be 100% prepared and ready. I think you can be more ready than not, but I think sometimes it's a leap of faith that you can do it. I think as long as you look at a budget, you think you can financially handle one and want one, that's about as prepared as you can be.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I am no help but for a split second I thought I wanted a baby so we adopted a puppy instead and now all my parenting energy is drained.  If you could house break a baby, I might reconsider it. 
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  • if all your friends jumped off a bridge...
  • I don't know that you're ever 100% prepared, but I do think you should be 100% sure.  Cause you can't return them.
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    ttc chart
    BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
  • I might be a little biased about babies because my FI and I are anti-baby.  I just never saw myself becoming a mom and I just think I'm missing that maternal yearning or whatever.  But, it sounds like you guys are in a really positive place.  I don't know that 100% readiness is necessary.  I mean, if you are financially secure and basically emotionally secure in your relationship I wouldn't see why having kids wouldn't be an option.  I know this might not be a totally popular opinion, but it seems to me that most new parents are overwhelmed whether they were 100% ready or not.  So, if you have the correct expectation, then you might be ok.
    White Knot Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • I don't think you're ever 100% ready for kids.  You can think you are, you can even be SURE that you are.  But you're never fully prepared for having a baby.  I don't have kids yet, but I've always known that I wanted them.  Now that we're a month away from "being able to" try to have them, I'm starting to get that "oh shiit, are we really going to do this?" feeling. 

    Talk about it.  Sit on it, think about it.  You have time.
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  • Also, and I'm really not trying to be mean or bring up past posts or anything and your marriage is none of my business, but it seems like you and Noodle have been having some problems off and on and I would make sure that you two are 100% working on or understanding any issues you may have because a baby (and all that comes with it) is only going to make things more stressful, I would think.  That's in my non-baby-experienced opinion.  KWIM?
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    ttc chart
    BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
  • For me, I was 100% sure, but not necessarily 100% ready. In hindsight I wish we'd had more money in savings, but I think that has more to do with my current financial situation than anything else. The worries don't decrease as they get older, they just change. Today, for example, I'm about ready to beat the hell out of this high school boy who has been "checking out" my daughter the last 4 mornings as I walk with her to catch the bus. She's fucking 12, forfuckssake. This kid is 16 or 17, he's got NO business looking at MY DAUGHTER like that.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:2ec438f2-4783-4c6b-861a-270052db3041">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]if all your friends jumped off a bridge...
    Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

    It's more that we've never really been around babies before the last year or two - his sisters are all within 2 years of him, and my brother is within 4, so there weren't any really young siblings to care for.  And his nieces live down in Florida, so we didn't get to see them often.  So now we're around more babies and kids because our friends are having them, and I think it's bringing out the dormant paternal instinct in Monkey. 

    Also, there's the physical thing of birth.  Both my mom and my grandma had a hard time getting pregnant, and had difficult pregnancies (lots of morning sickness, fatigue, bed rest, etc).  My mom had looooooong labors for both me and my brother (24+ hours), and she had more serious medical issues during pregnancy too.  And I'm going to be honest, I know we're made for it but the idea of pushing something out of my ladyhole so big that I have to get it stitched back up does not sit well with me.
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    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

  • I love Daff.

    I suppose you know where I stand on things, Nugget. ;-)
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
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  • You're never 100% prepared.  EVER.  However you can take steps to make the transistion less stressful.  The first step if for you and noodle to be on the same page, which it sounds like you are.  Second is to think of the short and long term goals you have set (i.e. your new car / home purchase).  Are both of those things necessary to have a new kid.  As in do you need a bigger car and/or more room in a home then where you currently are?  Also, how aggressively are you saving for these things to meet these 2 goals and will a baby push them back a few years? 

    If I were in the position that you and noodle are in, I personally would start trying right before we bought the house so that we could move in and get the nursery together before the baby came.  The rest will fall into place if you both have  good jobs and are financially secure. 

    Mr Stack and I have taken a vacation by ourselves every year since we had lil stack.  Sure you have to do some planning, but things like that are possible and shouldn't be the basis of your final decision.  (at least in my opinion).  This year is the first year we're taking J with us on a vacay, but we're also making sure during the vacation we can split for a few days on our own. 

    It always seems like the people that worry the most about if they can afford and/or raise a baby - they always seem to be the most ready. 
  • Btw, Stacks?  I love Jocelyn's expression in your new sig pic!  She's so cute!
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    Books read in 2012: 21/50

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  • TR - there's that too.  And I already know that we'd have completely different parenting styles, and can foresee problems that would arise from that.  If we did decide to have them, we wouldn't start trying until next fall at the earliest (preferably 2012).  Because I always told myself if I didn't have babies by 35, I wasn't going to have them at all.
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    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:2ec438f2-4783-4c6b-861a-270052db3041">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]if all your friends jumped off a bridge...
    Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

    You know, Daff and i are usually polar opposites when it comes to kids, but this is actually dead on IMO this time. We want to have kids because <strong>we</strong> want them, not because all of our friends are.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • As an aside, if one more person is all "ZOMG you guys TOTALLY need to have babies because they're be MIXED BABIES and mixed babies r sooooooooooo cuteZOMGFORREALZ!!!1111" I am going to beat the holy hell out of them. 

    image

    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:1c49c17d-0ef0-4090-b1c4-0cf779b0ba21">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]As an aside, if one more person is all "ZOMG you guys TOTALLY need to have babies because they're be MIXED BABIES and mixed babies r sooooooooooo cuteZOMGFORREALZ!!!1111" I am going to beat the holy hell out of them. 
    Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

    Wait.  People have actually said that to you?  That's messed up.  Because the best reason to have babies is because they'll look cute, right?  *eyeroll*
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    Books read in 2012: 21/50

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:602e40cb-b855-4a55-9587-eb63cdd53242">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies? No Babies? : You know, Daff and i are usually polar opposites when it comes to kids, but this is actually dead on IMO this time. We want to have kids because we want them, not because all of our friends are.
    Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

    Like I said, it has more to do with our friends' babies actually causing us to spend time around babies and kids.  We aren't going to do something just because our friends are.  If that was the case we would have been married 4 years ago, and in a house 2 years ago.
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    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

  • Have you gotten a kitty yet?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:1c49c17d-0ef0-4090-b1c4-0cf779b0ba21">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]As an aside, if one more person is all "ZOMG you guys TOTALLY need to have babies because they're be MIXED BABIES and mixed babies r sooooooooooo cuteZOMGFORREALZ!!!1111" I am going to beat the holy hell out of them. 
    Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

    UGH - I totally hate when people say this to me!  It's like their way of saying they're totally cool with interracial relationships or something, but really they just sound like morons.  I heard it A LOT from my side of the family.  It's like STFU already. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:8ebf77c6-481f-4055-a80f-626ad03f447d">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies? No Babies? : Wait.  People have actually said that to you?  That's messed up.  Because the best reason to have babies is because they'll look cute, right?  *eyeroll*
    Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

    It's so irritating.  That and "You should have babies so they can play with MY babies and then they'll be BFF!!!!11111"  I'm sorry, my uterus isn't around to give your kid a playdate.
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    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:1c49c17d-0ef0-4090-b1c4-0cf779b0ba21">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]As an aside, if one more person is all "ZOMG you guys TOTALLY need to have babies because they're be MIXED BABIES and mixed babies r sooooooooooo cuteZOMGFORREALZ!!!1111" I am going to beat the holy hell out of them. 
    Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

    haha I think you would be totally justified in doing that.
    image
    ttc chart
    BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:8b780fcb-a076-4acd-910f-5fa803bb1d54">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Have you gotten a kitty yet?
    Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

    No....?
    image

    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:d05d5031-8f5a-48c9-bbc2-772662e67e45">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies? No Babies? : Like I said, it has more to do with our friends' babies actually causing us to spend time around babies and kids.  We aren't going to do something just because our friends are.  If that was the case we would have been married 4 years ago, and in a house 2 years ago.
    Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, I was late, responded before I read your response. :)
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I wouldn't be birthin' no babies just because my friends were (given: I didn't read the responses, except for Daff's).

    Also, until you and noodle work through your problems (just thinking of the racial issue you guys had a few weeks ago) - I wouldn't be adding a baby to the mix just yet.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:4dbc05af-190f-4d8a-be3a-35af47f58dc0">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies? No Babies? : It's so irritating.  That and "You should have babies so they can play with MY babies and then they'll be BFF!!!!11111"  I'm sorry, my uterus isn't around to give your kid a playdate.
    Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

    Haha, H's best friend's wife just got pregnant. The friend told H that he needed to get me knocked up so he wouldn't be alone in all that lol. And then I told Dave that Adrian was right, he couldn't just let his friend do this alone, could he?? Yeah, he didn't give in :(
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • I get that no one is 100% ready, but I do think you should be 100% sure.  I get baby fever everytime I hang out with my nephew for a day.  If we had kids because of this, it would not be an ideal situation.  We have lots of things we want to do before bringing kids in the picture, so having baby fever doesn't = 100% sure (for us anyway).  I know that's not what you are saying, but just my two cents. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:0fac9aee-a3c9-4dc4-9dc6-c38a5040fbef">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]TR - there's that too.  <strong>And I already know that we'd have completely different parenting styles, and can foresee problems that would arise from that.</strong>  If we did decide to have them, we wouldn't start trying until next fall at the earliest (preferably 2012).  Because I always told myself if I didn't have babies by 35, I wasn't going to have them at all.
    Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

    Sorry, Nuggs, but this is a little bit of a red flag for me.  I do think you need to be on the same exact page before you bring a kid into the mix.
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  • Yes, Bay, the cuteness IS a totally legit reason to have babies. Ours are going to be bilingual and brown and perfect :)

    Seriously though, I can only relate this to when we got our dog. We were 100% sure we wanted one but not 100% ready (we found her and fell in love, we'd been planning to wait a couple more months), and it worked. I realized that I would have never really felt ready because there always would have been the worry that we didn't have the time or money, but of course once we got her it worked out. I don't think you should just jump into having kids because you happen to know some cute ones right now, but if in a year or two you've met some of the goals you mentioned and still think you want babies but just don't feel like you are totally prepared, I wouldn't necessarily let that stop you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_babies-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f2bd5938-6e02-4c5b-87dd-e5bc755f3476Post:4eff7465-5d14-4c8d-bae4-1456db1f8721">Re: Babies? No Babies?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Babies? No Babies? : Sorry, Nuggs, but this is a little bit of a red flag for me.  I do think you need to be on the same exact page before you bring a kid into the mix.
    Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

    I agree to a point kiki.  It's one thing to have different parenting styles - but it's another thing on how you'll deal with them.  Do you yell at one another in front of the child?  Or do you approach the other parent after the situation and talk through how you think it should have been handled?  Sometimes you just raise kids how you were raised and don't think there's a better way.  However, just based on experience with J - T and I have mixed the styles of how we were raised, and are still doing so as J gets older.  I dont question him in front of J though - we talk about things after the fact when a situation arises and determine if it can be handled differently later. 

    It's hard to bite your tongue, but if a parent is doing something with a child (non abusive of course) you have to just let them do it - if you come in correcting them off the bat it confuses the child and teaches them that 100% respect isn't necessary.  It's just as simple as havng a plan in place for disagreements when it comes to the kid and how they're raised. 
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