Need Advice

doggroomersusan · July 2010

So my boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. We have lived together the whole time. (Long story, I now believe this was a mistake) We have discussed marriage from time to time, and he wants to get married to me. I want to get married to him so badly that I think about it all the time. Not really details about rings and the ceremony and that kind of stuff, just looking into his eyes and becoming his wife. I think marriage has kinda become something people do so they can show off for a day, and that makes me sad. I just want a small, simple ceremony with family and close friends, and as dorky as it sounds, our dogs. I don't want a lot of expense, or pressure for anyone.

This being said, I think there are certain time "limits" if you will before a relationship goes from being normal to "oh my god, why the hell don't you just get married already". If you two people are on their own, not in school and employed with good jobs, I think it is silly to date for more than a year to a year and a half without getting engaged. To me, that is just the logical next step when you feel so strongly about someone. Engagement doesn't even have to be a big deal. I don't even want a real diamond, because I am a bit of a hippie, and I hate all the conflict over diamonds, so I want a lab created diamond, or something like that.

My bf on the other hand, wants to wait upwards of two years to get engaged. Just to get engaged. We got in an argument about it yesterday, and the worst part is he doesn't even have a reason to wait. Not about money, or anything like that. He just wants to wait. I am so heartbroken. I am so ready for this, and he has no intention of being anything but boyfriend and girlfriend for a long, long, long time.

I just find this unacceptable, and I was wondering if anyone had ever had this problem or had any good advice. I really, really do not care about the material part of marriage. I just want to say "I do" and finalize my commitment to him. It really hurts my feelings that he doesn't want that at all, and it makes me feel like I am not the right person for him. Thanks for any advice.

katanne9 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:c58baa0f-fe98-43e2-95eb-2a6762dabdd9">Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]So my boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. We have lived together the whole time. (Long story, I now believe this was a mistake) We have discussed marriage from time to time, and he wants to get married to me. I want to get married to him so badly that I think about it all the time. Not really details about rings and the ceremony and that kind of stuff, just looking into his eyes and becoming his wife. I think marriage has kinda become something people do so they can show off for a day, and that makes me sad. I just want a small, simple ceremony with family and close friends, and as dorky as it sounds, our dogs. I don't want a lot of expense, or pressure for anyone. This being said, I think there are certain time "limits" if you will before a relationship goes from being normal to "oh my god, why the hell don't you just get married already". If you two people are on their own, not in school and employed with good jobs, I think it is silly to date for more than a year to a year and a half without getting engaged. To me, that is just the logical next step when you feel so strongly about someone. Engagement doesn't even have to be a big deal. I don't even want a real diamond, because I am a bit of a hippie, and I hate all the conflict over diamonds, so I want a lab created diamond, or something like that. My bf on the other hand, wants to wait upwards of two years to get engaged. Just to get engaged. We got in an argument about it yesterday, and the worst part is he doesn't even have a reason to wait. Not about money, or anything like that. He just wants to wait. I am so heartbroken. I am so ready for this, and he has no intention of being anything but boyfriend and girlfriend for a long, long, long time. I just find this unacceptable, and I was wondering if anyone had ever had this problem or had any good advice. I really, really do not care about the material part of marriage. I just want to say "I do" and finalize my commitment to him. It really hurts my feelings that he doesn't want that at all, and it makes me feel like I am not the right person for him. Thanks for any advice.
Posted by doggroomersusan[/QUOTE]

A. I DO think people should date for longer than a year and a half before they get engaged - there are, of course, exceptions to this (namely age and life experience). IMO, a lot of relationships are in the honeymoon stage for at least the first year. I don't think you've been dating long enough to be so fussy.

B. Does he really need a reason that he wants to wait? It's one thing if he keeps changing your timeline, but has he been firm about wanting to date for 2 years before getting engaged? He's doesn't need an "excuse" maybe, God forbid, he wants to be SURE he is making the right decision.

C. Why can't you just enjoy being in a relationship with the person that you love? You seem to use the excuse of "well, I don't care about a big materialistic engagement or wedding" to mask your whining about just wanting to be married - which I find to be equally annoying.

D. If he continues to push off engagement, then maybe you have to ask yourself why you don't want to wait for him. Maybe he isn't the right one.

sapphirebaby926 · July 2010

No two relationships are the same and applying the 'date for a year then get engaged' doesn't work for everyone. DH and I dated for 2 1/2 years before we got engaged and a 2 years of that was after I was out of college. We were long distance for those 2 1/2 years so getting engaged at a year wouldn't have made sense for us. To be honest even though we were able to spend a lot of time together during those 2 1/2 years (I was able to travel to where he lived frequently) we didn't know each other well enough to make that commitment that early on. We were both financially stable and living independently but we weren't ready to get married at that time.

You stand to lose everything by rushing in and lose nothing by waiting - he may just not be ready to take that next step yet. He may know that he wants to marry you at some point but knowing that and doing it are two very different things. DH and I knew we wanted to get married in general when we started dating and eventually that evolved to wanting to be married to each other. It took a while longer before he was ready to make that commitment.

Don't pressure him into this - when he's ready he'll do it but if he feels pressured he may back away and wait even longer. He should propose because he wants to and not because he felt like he had to - he'll probably end up resenting you for making him feel that way and that's no way to start a marriage.

redheadfsu · July 2010

OP- slow the hell down. What the hell is the rush?

Personally, I think a year is way to short for most people (always exceptions to the rule.) I get it, you love him. But calm down. What is there to lose by waiting. Now, rushing you have tons to lose.

LizzyTish88 · July 2010

So this may seem hard to believe but my BF and I have been dating going on 8 years! I am in NO rush to get married! You need to slow down and enjoy this time together or else you two will just push each other away and ruin the relationship. Slow down and enjoy what you have now instead of pushing him away. I agree with all PPs.

SopChick · July 2010

Ditto what the PPs said.

Just as YOU have every right to your opinion that it is "silly to date for longer than a year to a year and a half" before getting engaged, HE has every right to have the opinion that people should be together "upwards of 2 years" before being engaged. His reason is that's what he feels, and you should respect his feelings as well as your own.

"I am so ready for this, and he has no intention of being anything but boyfriend and girlfriend for a long, long, long time."
You're going to be husband and wife for a long, long, long time too. You're sharing your lives together... shouldn't that be the most important part?

Sure, it can be frustrating sometimes when you feel ready before he does when it's something you feel so strongly and excited about, but do you really want to rush him? This is supposed to be a decision that you will stick with for the rest of your life, can you blame him for wanting to be sure? How do you think you would feel knowing that he only proposed because he was tired of being pestered about it? Since are entitled to feel ready when you are ready, shouldn't you give him the time to feel the same?

doggroomersusan · July 2010

Nice to know everyone on here is so friendly.

zitiqueen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:bdffe1af-aaf2-4a61-be38-2e85f54d3565">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Nice to know everyone on here is so friendly.
Posted by doggroomersusan[/QUOTE]

If all you were looking for was a pat on the head and to have your feelings validated, you should have said so at the beginning of your post. Knotties are honest. That means you may not always be told what you want to hear. Honesty =/= unfriendly.

How old are you, by the way?

PandaBurr · July 2010

Who was being mean? I think everyone gave valid advice.

Button5807 · July 2010

*headdesk*

sapphirebaby926 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:bdffe1af-aaf2-4a61-be38-2e85f54d3565">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Nice to know everyone on here is so friendly.
Posted by doggroomersusan[/QUOTE]

Note to self - giving honest valid advice = being mean

Button5807 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:2c158199-8a6f-4208-bdf7-bc12c0cc89f1">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice : Note to self - giving honest valid advice = being mean
Posted by sapphirebaby926[/QUOTE]

That's covered in chapter 1 of the beebee handbook.

dwest2201 · July 2010

Oops I posted in the wrong tab... on this topic I gotta say no one was at all mean to OP.

oceana919 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:c58baa0f-fe98-43e2-95eb-2a6762dabdd9">Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]So my boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. We have lived together the whole time.

Wait - did you move in with guy on the first date or something?

(Long story, I now believe this was a mistake)

<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/8/5/089d1025-11f8-485e-a59f-e90a4455f412.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '089d1025-11f8-485e-a59f-e90a4455f412', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/8/5/089d1025-11f8-485e-a59f-e90a4455f412.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>

We have discussed marriage from time to time, and he wants to get married to me. I want to get married to him so badly that I think about it all the time. Not really details about rings and the ceremony and that kind of stuff, just looking into his eyes and becoming his wife. I think marriage has kinda become something people do so they can show off for a day, and that makes me sad. I just want a small, simple ceremony with family and close friends, and as dorky as it sounds, our dogs. I don't want a lot of expense, or pressure for anyone.

This being said, I think there are certain time "limits" if you will before a relationship goes from being normal to "oh my god, why the hell don't you just get married already".

There is? Are they written down somewhere where I can look them up?

If you two people are on their own, not in school and employed with good jobs, I think it is silly to date for more than a year to a year and a half without getting engaged.

I'm sorry to burst your bubble, sweetie, but there is no set criteria for when a couple is supposed to get engaged. Each couple is different, and should let their relationship progress at whatever pace is natural for them, not as defined by someone else.

My FI and I got engaged after little less than a year and a half together. However, the circumstances in our relationship warranted it - we're both "older" (late 20s - early 30s), we both have been through enough relationships to know that we were it for one another, and we had gone through a lot of difficult situations in our first year that forced our relationship to develop/deepen a bit quicker than most. It made sense for us to get engaged when we did - we had discussed it at length and we were ready for it. On the flip side, I know a couple that's been together for six years and they're not even close to being ready to getting engaged. Every couple is different.

To me, that is just the logical next step when you feel so strongly about someone.

Um, there are a lot more logical steps that should come between dating and engagement that can perfectly express your feelings about the other person. Such as moving in together, introducing your partner to your respective families, etc. 

Engagement doesn't even have to be a big deal. I don't even want a real diamond, because I am a bit of a hippie, and I hate all the conflict over diamonds, so I want a lab created diamond, or something like that.

NEY Rule #1 - you don't need a ring to get engaged. You need a question and an answer - simple as that.

My bf on the other hand, wants to wait upwards of two years to get engaged. Just to get engaged. We got in an argument about it yesterday, and the worst part is he doesn't even have a reason to wait. Not about money, or anything like that. He just wants to wait.

And what is wrong with that? He's not prepared to make that degree of commitment to you at this time. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or that he does not intend to make that commitment to you in the future. It just means he's not ready yet. Until the decision to make that commitment to one another is a mutual decision, you should not be getting engaged. Period.

I am so heartbroken. I am so ready for this, and he has no intention of being anything but boyfriend and girlfriend for a long, long, long time.

And you will be married for a long, long time. You should be enjoying this stage of your relationship, because once it's gone, you will never get it back. 

I just find this unacceptable, and I was wondering if anyone had ever had this problem or had any good advice. I really, really do not care about the material part of marriage. I just want to say "I do" and finalize my commitment to him. It really hurts my feelings that he doesn't want that at all, and it makes me feel like I am not the right person for him.

Where in this did you get the idea that he doesn't want it at all? You stated earlier that you both have discussed marriage, and that he has indicated that he wants to marry you someday. He's just not ready yet.

Perhaps you are not the right person for him - he seems to be coming across pretty reasonable and levelheaded, and all I'm getting from you is footstomping and pouting.

Look, all I can tell you is to take a step back and take a deep breath. Or 20. You need to sit down and really think about things before you rush off and make a rash decision, or say something that will negatively impact your relationship. You need to decide what it is you want for yourself and for your relationship, and you need to decide if you're really willing to walk away from him and your relationship because it's not fitting into your pre-prescribed timeline. You indicated that you believe it was a mistake to be living with him all this time, but it's not a mistake to commit yourself in marriage?

Seriously, take a deep breath, step away from all of this for a while, and come back to it when you can think rationally and level-headed about this. 

Thanks for any advice.
Posted by doggroomersusan[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE]Nice to know everyone on here is so friendly. Posted by doggroomersusan[/QUOTE]

Mean =/= blunt and honest.

**Mutley** · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:bdffe1af-aaf2-4a61-be38-2e85f54d3565">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Nice to know everyone on here is so friendly.
Posted by doggroomersusan[/QUOTE]

Nice to know that you only wanted validation and didn't actually want any advice, despite the title of your post.

Have an effing fun life. Don't let the door hit you on your way out.

KD+BC · July 2010

I think you're right. Definitely force him to propose with an ultimatum. Tell him that he either proposes before the 1.5 year mark or you will take the dogs and run (that way if you weren't enough, he might propose just to keep the dogs). Then you get to decide exactly what you want for a wedding (everyone knows that the guy's opinion doesn't matter at all). After the wedding, you get to decide when to have kids too...though that's easier because all you have to do is stop taking the pill or poke holes in the condoms!

GL!

SopChick · July 2010

Seriously... I don't think any of us were trying to be mean. Just to perhaps give you another perspective on the situation with honest opinions.

Although from your original post, it seems as though any opinion that differs from your own is invalid.

nefariousmango · July 2010

My friend, who's doing her PhD in pysch, told me a couple years ago that, on average, the honeymoon period of dating lasts THREE YEARS. So for most people a year is way too short!!! If you don't care about the material parts and you're a chill hippie girl, I'm really struggling to understand why you're so rushed to have a wedding (because that's what you're talking about, with the looking into his eyes and having your dogs and close friends...). Why not enjoy being in love? Nothing is going to change by being married!

leia1979 · July 2010

I don't think anyone's being mean here. Every relationship is different. My BF and I moved in together after 9 months and we hit two years together this month. Maybe we'll get engaged soon, and maybe we won't. I have a friend who just got married this year after they'd been together for nine years. My grandparents got married after eight days.

The important part here is that you and your BF need to be on the same page. Neither of you is wrong for wanting what you want, but you need to meet somewhere in the middle for it to work.

ETA: Thanks for making me feel old, Oceana.

LizzyTish88 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:89886a49-8bdd-4160-9a1f-bdc6d265f53e">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you're right. Definitely force him to propose with an ultimatum. Tell him that he either proposes before the 1.5 year mark or you will take the dogs and run (that way if you weren't enough, he might propose just to keep the dogs). Then you get to decide exactly what you want for a wedding (everyone knows that the guy's opinion doesn't matter at all). After the wedding, you get to decide when to have kids too...though that's easier because all you have to do is stop taking the pill or poke holes in the condoms! GL!
Posted by KD+BC[/QUOTE]

This made me giggle, a lot.

**Mutley** · July 2010

Oh, and just to make you feel better, OP. My DH and I were together for about 11 months before he proposed. In fact, tomorrow will be two years to the day of our first 'real' date... and we've been married for 9 months... and I am 7 months pregnant.

You must just suck in bed.

Or you know, he is NOT ready to be married. I don't think he could be any clearer.

oceana919 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:22128ab6-8269-42a1-8afb-4c59893b35b5">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]IThanks for making me feel old, Oceana.
Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

Lol, don't feel that way, doll. I'm just an old hag compared to half the newbs that traipse through this board.

PaigeMcC · July 2010

I'm going to be mean. I'm tried of offering advice and then getting criticized for being mean when I'm just being honest.

OP, here's what you do. Tell him you want to get engaged by Monday at 5p.m. or you're out. If it doesn't happen, kick him to the curb.

Alternatively - you can stop whining about it and enjoy your relationship the way it is. If all you can do it whine about not being engaged then take it somewhere else. Whining won't make him propose. Be an adult.

oceana919 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:cbcefa20-778e-4e7b-be3b-c5d72a2781bf">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, and just to make you feel better, OP. My DH and I were together for about 11 months before he proposed. In fact, tomorrow will be two years to the day of our first 'real' date... and we've been married for 9 months... and I am 7 months pregnant. You must just suck in bed. Or you know, he is NOT ready to be married. I don't think he could be any clearer.
Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]

Ooooh, happy anniversary! :)

PaigeMcC · July 2010

Happy Anniversary Mutley!!

**Mutley** · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:efb2edfe-6e22-4014-b5bb-e2a95f087149">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice : Ooooh, happy anniversary! :)
Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

Thank you! I'm not sure if it is an actual anniversary. Our 'story' is definitely not normal. When it's right, it's right.

Narwhal · July 2010

Is it bad that I don't remember the date of our first real date?

oceana919 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:6c94a4f0-ce00-4626-a9ba-bb133e3a551e">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice : Thank you! I'm not sure if it is an actual anniversary. Our 'story' is definitely not normal. When it's right, it's right.
Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]

Sure it is. FI & I's anniversary is on July 4, and that marks the first time he asked me on a date. I honestly can't remember when we actually decided to become a couple. July 4 is just way easier to remember. :)

Button5807 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:4e25ba39-d984-4b5d-a03a-39ace230b08c">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it bad that I don't remember the date of our first real date?
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]

Yes, your relationship doesn't count.

**Mutley** · July 2010

See new post!

I remember all of our dates because they were around specific points in my life. And because they make my relationship more valid and special than yours. Nanny-nanny-boo-boo!

Narwhal · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d3457503-df9c-4ad1-8d61-d9c1cff54776Post:1aed4251-0b5e-4407-bfb8-a92a985785ac">Re: Need Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need Advice : Yes, your relationship doesn't count.
Posted by Button5807[/QUOTE]

Thats what I was afraid of. :(

We honestly still fight about our actual "became a couple" date. It was really close to midnight. I think it's the 11th, he thinks its the 12th. We went with the latter though because his birthday is the 11th.

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