Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?

Pookieson · March 2013

I was talking with one of my bridesmaids who asked, "Are you changing dd name after the wedding? Like...hyphenating her last name?"
I said, "No, I mean, if she were older and wanted to hyphenate it, that's her call I guess."
She mentions, "Yeah that's reasonable. I just know growing up, I was the kid from mom's first marriage and I always wanted to fit in. I never matched anyone. So when they called the house, the answering machine was like, 'Hey you've reached the Smith's..." and I just thought, 'I'm not a Smith' and I always wanted to be. I just wish my mom had asked me, I never knew it was an option."
Made me think, oh my, I never thought she might feel left out because her last name is different.....should I address this?

Backstory:

In case you don't remember, I've been married before, divorced for 7 years, DD is 6 years old, I divorced while pregnant (super fun). Her dad is in the picture, we have a great relationship all around. No drama. She usually calls FI dad, but she alternates between that and his first name, we have never pushed anything on her and her bio father calls FI her dad. Everyone is okay with it. We have not discussed this simply because I had never thought of it.

So a poll of sorts...

Pookieson · March 2013

Yes, the post below sparked my interest and I was all, "holy crap! I can ask these ladies!" *insert light bulb turning on here*

vanityink · March 2013

Honestly, it's her name. I'd ask her what she thinks.

GoodLuckBear14 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_hyphenating-dd-last-name-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ad2e02b-422a-451a-bfb3-987f98d39790Post:103e286f-75d3-4029-8db2-b23d4634b0f5">Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was talking with one of my bridesmaids who asked, "Are you changing dd name after the wedding? Like...hyphenating her last name?" I said, "No, I mean, if she were older and wanted to hyphenate it, that's her call I guess." She mentions, "Yeah that's reasonable. I just know growing up, I was the kid from mom's first marriage and I always wanted to fit in. I never matched anyone. So when they called the house, the answering machine was like, 'Hey you've reached the Smith's..." and I just thought, 'I'm not a Smith' and I always wanted to be. I just wish my mom had asked me, I never knew it was an option." Made me think, oh my, I never thought she might feel left out because her last name is different.....should I address this? Backstory: In case you don't remember, I've been married before, divorced for 7 years, DD is 6 years old, I divorced while pregnant (super fun). Her dad is in the picture, we have a great relationship all around. No drama. She usually calls FI dad, but she alternates between that and his first name, we have never pushed anything on her and her bio father calls FI her dad. Everyone is okay with it. We have not discussed this simply because I had never thought of it. So a poll of sorts...
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

Absolutely not.

She is six years old. There is no way she can make this decision.

Her father is still her father unless he has legally terminated his parental rights. To change her name because you are remarrying is a hurtful slap in the face at him.

Who is everyone btw?

mewebster59 · March 2013

Maybe explain to her why it is different and ask her opinion in a few years? I agree that six is too young to make this decision.

Pookieson · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_hyphenating-dd-last-name-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ad2e02b-422a-451a-bfb3-987f98d39790Post:21e24ff0-e37e-4191-a708-1c730b62741f">Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Hyphenating DD last name after wedding? : Absolutely not. She is six years old . There is no way she can make this decision. Her father is still her father unless he has legally terminated his parental rights. To change her name because you are remarrying is a hurtful slap in the face at him. Who is everyone btw?
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

Everyone I mentioned (myself, FI, DD and ex husband) is okay with her calling FI dad. Sorry, that got muddy on clarity.

Pookieson · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_hyphenating-dd-last-name-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ad2e02b-422a-451a-bfb3-987f98d39790Post:dc0b2fdc-4e60-4e30-a4e2-879ebac8109f">Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, it's her name. I'd ask her what she thinks.
Posted by jessicadall[/QUOTE]

I agree. I just feel that 6.5 is too young to make this decision objectively KWIM?

Pookieson · March 2013

What age would you recommend bringing this up? I doubt she would even know this is an option unless someone told her. If she really wanted to do that, I'd hate for her to feel left out because she didn't know she could even do this. I just don't know the appropriate timeframe to bring this up, if at all?

mcda04 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_hyphenating-dd-last-name-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ad2e02b-422a-451a-bfb3-987f98d39790Post:dc0b2fdc-4e60-4e30-a4e2-879ebac8109f">Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, it's her name. I'd ask her what she thinks.
Posted by jessicadall[/QUOTE]

She's a CHILD, it shouldn't matter if she wants to have your Fi's last name. She'll probably regret it when she becomes an adult and I find it VERY disrespectful to her Bio father regardless of the situation.

I agree with everything GLB said.

GoodLuckBear14 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_hyphenating-dd-last-name-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ad2e02b-422a-451a-bfb3-987f98d39790Post:089010a2-a3d6-4e9a-9e3d-fc77b9a5009e">Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding? : Everyone I mentioned (myself, FI, DD and ex husband) is okay with her calling FI dad. Sorry, that got muddy on clarity.
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

okay with calling him dad and having his name removed from hers are two entirely different things.

Pookieson · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_hyphenating-dd-last-name-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ad2e02b-422a-451a-bfb3-987f98d39790Post:1b5a64a1-8a52-471b-bde4-ed913d2af1f8">Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding? : She's a CHILD, it shouldn't matter if she wants to have your Fi's last name. She'll probably regret it when she becomes an adult and I find it VERY disrespectful to her Bio father regardless of the situation. I agree with everything GLB said.
Posted by mcda04[/QUOTE]

Not removed, hyphenated. I would only bring it up if her bio dad was on board. I think it is her name and her option to hyphenate or not. That being said, I do agree 6.5 is too young to make that decision; however, is there an appropriate age to say, "hey, you know this is an option, but your option alone?"

lyndausvi · March 2013

No i think it's a horrible idea and a huge slap in the face for her dad. If she wants to change at 18 it's her choice.

My DH has a different name from his mom and sisters. His dad disowned him at age 7. Still was never a consideration.

GoodLuckBear14 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_hyphenating-dd-last-name-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ad2e02b-422a-451a-bfb3-987f98d39790Post:b65f2909-b7d3-4614-bedf-0f6c06d9c090">Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding? : Not removed, hyphenated. I would only bring it up if her bio dad was on board. I think it is her name and her option to hyphenate or not. That being said, I do agree 6.5 is too young to make that decision; however, is there an appropriate age to say, "hey, you know this is an option, but your option alone?"
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

That is honestly not much better. If she wants to change her name then she can do it once she is a legal adult.

Pookieson · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_hyphenating-dd-last-name-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ad2e02b-422a-451a-bfb3-987f98d39790Post:175b1e9f-94d3-49c5-91f4-5989b1db1ff0">Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding? : I don't think you should EVER bring it up. If not having the same last name bothers her later, SHE will bring it up (even if she doesn't know it's possible to change it). I brought it up with my mom.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Thank you! I just didn't know if this is something she'd mention to me? Something I should let her know about or anything I should be doing. I'm not from a blended/divorced family and had no idea how to address this. I didn't want her to feel left out but didn't want to step on toes. It makes me feel much better knowing you came to your mother and talked to her. Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it. The last thing I want is to make her feel like she doesn't fit in and not know what she can do about it.

Pookieson · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_hyphenating-dd-last-name-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ad2e02b-422a-451a-bfb3-987f98d39790Post:12c7c6b1-6a46-4de6-b8d4-74c4a5c7b80f">Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding? : No problem. I think if she says something later down the road (like high school age or so) about the name thing, then it's fine to tell her "you can add StepDad's name if you really want to, your choice). Like I said, I didn't ask specifically about changing my name, but when I was 15 or 16, I brought up to my mom about hating how my last name reflected a father I didn't even see anymore and that I had no "identifying connection" with the guy that was my "real" dad. My brothers on the other hand, never were bothered by it, so neither of them brought it up at all.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Exactly. She had a great relationship with her dad so I would not condone her changing her name, but I would be okay with her hyphenating it. Her dad is a good dad, but in all honesty, he isn't always there for her. He misses dance recitals and games frequently because he is busy and he doesn't help financially at all. FI pays for everything (I am in school) and coaches her teams etc etc. We (ex-h and I) still have a good relationship, and he has gotten a lot better, but there are times he will bail on weekends, but luckily, that hasn't been happening all that often lately. Overall, he could be ALOT worse.

mandi195 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_hyphenating-dd-last-name-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ad2e02b-422a-451a-bfb3-987f98d39790Post:21e24ff0-e37e-4191-a708-1c730b62741f">Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Hyphenating DD last name after wedding? : Absolutely not. She is six years old . There is no way she can make this decision. Her father is still her father unless he has legally terminated his parental rights. To change her name because you are remarrying is a hurtful slap in the face at him. Who is everyone btw?
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]
I agree with all of this. <div>My parents divorced when I was very young, and my mother remarried, so I speak from a place of total understanding. Also, I have a son, and will soon be remarrying, and I will not be changing his name; rather I am hypenating mine so I have both my sons last name and my FI's. </div>

Pookieson · March 2013

I don't have my dd last name now. I took my maiden name back when I divorced but I will be taking on my FI last name.

That being said, I don't consider her hyphenating her name to reflect both my and her step-dads name and her fathers is a "slap in the face". If she were to change it completely, then yes, I agree *that* would be a slap in the face.

Once again, I've already established I will let her come to me thanks to Stage's advice. If she chooses to hyphenate her name, I do not find this disrespectful of her at all and fully intend to back her on the decision.

ZiggyZos · March 2013

My mom remarried when I was 7. I never felt "left out" because I lived with Mom and Stepdad Smith and I was Ziggy Jones. Never. It is a real slap in the face to your DD's father to change her name. Your daughter is not marrying your FI. Your FI is not adopting her. It is not appropriate to change her name and at six years old, especially, she cannot make that decision with any kind of real forethought. Your friend's example? Our answering machine always said "You've reached Mom, Stepdad, Ziggy, and Bob.. Leave a message." No last names necessary. I can also almost guarantee that, while your ex may have said he's okay with DD calling your FI "Dad" that, when it comes down to it, he'll feel incredibly hurt by it. Especially if he is still active in her life and you all get along as you seem to be saying you do.

Viczaesar · March 2013

If your XH remarried and hyphenated his last name with his new wife's, would you be okay with adding XH's new wife's last name to your daughter's last name?

Pookieson · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_hyphenating-dd-last-name-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ad2e02b-422a-451a-bfb3-987f98d39790Post:6859c53b-dd70-4a32-b0f0-c8154bdeb797">Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom remarried when I was 7. I never felt "left out" because I lived with Mom and Stepdad Smith and I was Ziggy Jones. Never. It is a real slap in the face to your DD's father to change her name. Your daughter is not marrying your FI. Your FI is not adopting her. It is not appropriate to change her name and at six years old, especially, she cannot make that decision with any kind of real forethought. Your friend's example? Our answering machine always said "You've reached Mom, Stepdad, Ziggy, and Bob.. Leave a message." No last names necessary. I can also almost guarantee that, while your ex may have said he's okay with DD calling your FI "Dad" that, when it comes down to it, he'll feel incredibly hurt by it. Especially if he is still active in her life and you all get along as you seem to be saying you do.
Posted by ZiggyZos[/QUOTE]

The answering machine wasn't her only example, she just stated *she* felt left out.
Also, as I've stated excessively, she won't be changing her name, just hyphenating it. I obviously understand she isn't marrying her stepdad, but should she chose to hyphenate it, it is HER decision and I support it.
Furthermore, stage gave me great advice and I'll allow DD to bring it up. If/when she does, I'll let her do as she chooses and I will support her.
Last, DD calls FI dad or his first name, she alternates. Her BIODAD calls my FI her dad (before she leaves he'll say, give your mom and dad hugs, lets go." She started calling FI dad when she was 3 and we talked with her biodad and we all decided that she should be allowed to call him whatever she is comfortable with, and so she does.

Pookieson · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_hyphenating-dd-last-name-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ad2e02b-422a-451a-bfb3-987f98d39790Post:295bc4f7-d8f8-4cdc-9948-5eef0034560c">Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]If your XH remarried and hyphenated his last name with his new wife's, would you be okay with adding XH's new wife's last name to your daughter's last name?
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

If she chose to and was close with her. No, I wouldn't want her pressured into it, but if she called this woman mom and she was actively part of her life and loved her, if she wanted her name hyphenated to match her dads, I would support it.

However, if she hyphenates her name on this side, it might get ridiculous to be
Miss DD Jones-Smith-Watkins

(I don't know why Watkins, it just popped in my head)

ZiggyZos · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_hyphenating-dd-last-name-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ad2e02b-422a-451a-bfb3-987f98d39790Post:2c7e6484-fb67-41fa-a1ea-e0223696c8db">Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding? : If she chose to and was close with her. No, I wouldn't want her pressured into it, but if she called this woman mom and she was actively part of her life and loved her, if she wanted her name hyphenated to match her dads, I would support it. However, if she hyphenates her name on this side, it might get ridiculous to be Miss DD Jones-Smith-Watkins (I don't know why Watkins, it just popped in my head)
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

It could get ridiculous. But you'd be setting the precedent if you encourage her in any way to hyphenate (which, contrary to your apparent definition, IS still changing her name) to your Fi's last name.

Pookieson · March 2013

WTH, I am not encouraging her. Did anybody read the entire thread??? I said I would let her come to me and bring it up if she feels like it bothers her. If she doesn't, this would be a non-issue. If she does, I will wholeheartedly encourage my daughter to do what she wants to do. I do not feel it is a slap in the face in anyway as both names would still be represented. I am not asking her incessantly to do anything regardless of the definition.

MuppetOverlord · March 2013

I don't think it's acceptable to pursue this in any manner since her father is positively in the picture and she's so young.

I would not be encouraging of it either if she asked for it on her own also. Normally, your last changes when you marry, not when your mother re-marries. I would imagine her father would find this very hurtful.

Her age is very key here too. When I was 9, I wanted to be called Penny (like in Inspector Gadget) because she had the cool computer book and I liked it. My friend wanted to change her last name to "Venkman" because she really loved Bill Murray when Ghostbusters came out. My mom told me if I still felt that way when I turned 18, I could do so. I didn't think about it again until....just now. My point is that this is a pretty big decision for someone so young to consider...taking into account the things that young people consider and their rationale.

ZiggyZos · March 2013

FWIW Stage, I did read the responses. I just thought it was pretty, idk, hypocritical? for OP to be thinking about hyphenating DD's name (or allowing it when she brings it up later on if she is still a minor) to her Fh's name, but then saying, "but it would be ridiculous for her to have her name hyphenated twice" (to also include hypothetical future stepmom's name). I'm glad OP isn't pursuing the issue anymore, though.

mcda04 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_hyphenating-dd-last-name-after-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:7ad2e02b-422a-451a-bfb3-987f98d39790Post:b65f2909-b7d3-4614-bedf-0f6c06d9c090">Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Hyphenating DD last name after wedding? : Not removed, hyphenated. I would only bring it up if her bio dad was on board. I think it is her name and her option to hyphenate or not. That being said, I do agree 6.5 is too young to make that decision; however, is there an appropriate age to say, "hey, you know this is an option, but your option alone?"
Posted by Shannon1401[/QUOTE]

I get it and your daughter SHOULD have the option to hyphenate or remove all together but not at 6 years old. Maybe as a teen, she could be taken more seriously.

It sounds like all the adults involved are good mature people. Good for you. It's always nice to hear of divorced couples getting along. :) I'm glad you sorted this out.

Pookieson · March 2013

THIS.

Pookieson · March 2013

I am on my mobile. The this was supposed to quote Stage's last posts. Thanks for advice again!

jennipea382 · March 2013

I didn't read all the responses but FWIW my friend's daughter is 9 and chose to have her name hyphenated after mom gets married. But her dad is also not in the picture at all, so she's hyphenating her mom's last name and mom's soon to be married name. 6 is a little young to make the final decision but I think it would be good to get her input at least.

coopsbaby · March 2013

Just another thought/option for you as well. I have three kids, the oldest is now 20, youngest is now 15. When her dad and I split youngest was 12 and was bothered by the fact that she and I didn't have the same last name anymore. (Older two didn't care.) She wanted to change hers to mine which would have been very hurtful to her father who pretty much sucks but is in the picture, and then wanted to hyphenate (I'm not a fan of hyphenating so I said no).

What we did was added my maiden name as a second middle name for her. This way, when I marry fi and change my last name, I'm dropping my middle and keeping my maiden as a middle and we will still share a name, but she still has the same last as her dad and siblings.

And we are VERY conscious in our house of not referring to ourselves as the "Smith" family. Xmas cards are signed with first names only, voicemail same way, etc. We try to be v ery all inclusive, especially since we have three lasts going on here right now!

ridedatbike · March 2013

I also have a daughter from a previous relationship and she will be changing her last name. Im actually not sire if you can do it unless they're adopted which she will be. But the difference is she's known no one else but my fi. He's been there since day one and her Bio dad has never been around. He has truly opted out of her life and even signed his rights over no questions asked. She wont have a family involving him so I could see her def feeling the way your friend did but your daughter has a relationship with her dad and it would.most likely cause a ton.of drama with him....of course you know better than me forgive me if im assuming. I say wait it out it is so wonderful that you guys have a relationship at all with him she truly is lucky. I don't see her feeling bad about her last name since she will know exactly where it came from and im sure she loves her daddy and would want to feel apart of his family to. Good luck and congratulations :

Hyphenating DD last name after wedding?

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