Update on Me

doeydo

I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep and had a gnawing feeling about what FI was possibly doing in the other room.  So, about a half hour or so later, I went out and asked to see the cell phone (because he had said the other day that I can ask at any time and he would hand it right over).  After a few moments, I find that he was watching x-rated videos basically since I left the room to go to sleep.  I called my mom and she picked me up and I am at her place with a bag of clothes and the necessities.  I told FI I need some time and space to think.  He said he would call me tomorrow to talk (and he wants me to come over to the apartment tomorrow, if I haven't made a decision by then, to scoop the litter).  

bethsmiles

*hugs* I'm so so sorry Doeydo. Don't feel like you have to talk to him tomorrow or rush any decision. This is about you and what you need! You deserve happiness and you need to make a decision that will make YOU happy without worrying about what that decision means for your FI or anyone else. Sometimes in life we need to be selfish and this is absolutely one of those times.

Also, WTF? Is he incapable of scooping the litter box himself? 

hellosweetie1015

doeydo said:

I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep and had a gnawing feeling about what FI was possibly doing in the other room.  So, about a half hour or so later, I went out and asked to see the cell phone (because he had said the other day that I can ask at any time and he would hand it right over).  After a few moments, I find that he was watching x-rated videos basically since I left the room to go to sleep.  I called my mom and she picked me up and I am at her place with a bag of clothes and the necessities.  I told FI I need some time and space to think.  He said he would call me tomorrow to talk (and he wants me to come over to the apartment tomorrow, if I haven't made a decision by then, to scoop the litter).  

Honey. I'm so sorry. 

Also, to the bolded, seriously. He said that. I don't have enough space in my short, fat little body to put all the rage I have at that statement. I don't have words. I just can't with that. 

RebeccaB88

The only reason you should be going back to that apartment is to collect the cats, the rest of your stuff, and to get your name off that lease. Nothing else. No talking about things. You have all the answers you need right now, what is there to talk about?  HE NEVER TRIED. He never intended to try.

It's over, doeydo.  Your FI decided that it's over. Now get your cats and go rebuild your life. We'll help.

Hell, if I was anywhere near you, I'd go with you and run interference with the asshole until you get all your business handled.  Am I anywhere near you?

hellosweetie1015

RebeccaB88 said:

The only reason you should be going back to that apartment is to collect the cats, the rest of your stuff, and to get your name off that lease. Nothing else. No talking about things. You have all the answers you need right now, what is there to talk about?  HE NEVER TRIED. He never intended to try.

It's over, doeydo.  Your FI decided that it's over. Now get your cats and go rebuild your life. We'll help.

Hell, if I was anywhere near you, I'd go with you and run interference with the asshole until you get all your business handled.  Am I anywhere near you?

Seconded. I'm in Alabama, but if you're in Georgia or Tennessee I can get there too.

ETA Bolded the part that I seconded in particular, although the response is valid for the rest of the comment.

doeydo

I'm in Southwestern Ontario, Canada.  

His FASD makes him extremely sensitive to smells and other sensory things, which is why I am the one that scoops the litter all the time.  

kaitlynmichelle

I'm so sorry. I'm glad you are going to get out of there. If I still lived in ON I'd love to help you get out of there.

doeydo

lc07

I have nothing productive or helpful to say right now. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you and sending you virtual hugs.

RebeccaB88

No, his FASD is just a really convenient excuse he can break out whenever he doesn't want to do something he needs to do or should do. Like treat you with respect.

Don't get me wrong, I completely believe he has this medical condition (I have a medical condition that gives me a disability too). However, it is one of my biggest pet peeves when someone uses their disability, or plays it up, for the sole purpose of manipulating people.  Manipulating them for what, it doesn't matter. It's mean and cruel and heartless no matter what kind of person it comes from. Your FI's FASD may not be the only disorder he has. It honestly sounds like he could be a psychopath as well.  I was in a relationship with one. Please read up on the sociopath/psychopath (narcissism related). Your FI has the classic behavior patterns of one. It can be just as inborn as FASD, and they can certainly coexist together. It is a brain disorder, damage to the brain that affect's one's personality, conduct, and emotions. Please stop blaming everything on FASD. You picked up this habit from him because he used it to garner your sympathy, and yes, your PITY. .

Psychopathy Checklist:

Facet 1: Interpersonal

• Glibness/superficial charm
• Grandiose sense of self-worth
• Pathological lying
• Cunning/manipulative

Facet 2: Affective

• Lack of remorse or guilt
• Emotionally shallow
• Callous/lack of empathy
• Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

Facet 3: Lifestyle

• Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom
• Parasitic lifestyle
• Lack of realistic, long-term goals
• Impulsivity
• Irresponsibility

Facet 4: Antisocial

• Poor behavioral controls
• Early behavioral problems
• Juvenile delinquency
• Revocation of conditional release
• Criminal versatility

• Many short-term marital relationships
• Promiscuous sexual behavior

I know you love him. I know you worry about him being safe or taken care of when you leave. I know you can't imagine life without him.  I was there too.  I still love mine. I just know that his disorder (psychopathy) the reason that we cannot ever be together, see each other, talk, or anything else ever again. It hurts like hell.  But, he disrespected me, too often. He told me what I wanted to hear. I listened. I got out, I put myself back together.  I prayed he would 'straighten up' and we could get back together.  IT SUCKS.  But eventually, you'll understand why it was necessary that you get out.

Just keep talking to us and we will help, I promise. We're good like that.

steph861

You took a huge step today. That took guts. I'm proud of you.

And if you're ever in BC, hit me up.

beethery

You deserve better, and I hope you do right for yourself.

arrippa

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you.  I know you have some thinking to do, just do whatever is the best for you. 

AddieCake

Thinking of you, Doeydo. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Oh sweetie, I'm so proud of you for taking this first step. Whenever you take the next one can be whenever you're damn good and ready. You take all the time you need. In the meantime, he can put a clothespin on his nose.

chibiyui

Hugs.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm glad you're Mom is nearby.

hellosweetie1015

lolo883 said:

Oh sweetie, I'm so proud of you for taking this first step. Whenever you take the next one can be whenever you're damn good and ready. You take all the time you need. In the meantime, he can put a clothespin on his nose.

Eh. I'd probably go get the litterbox, but that'd be because I'd want my cats and that's one of their accessories. But yes - today, if you don't go over there, he can hold his nose. A two-cat litterbox doesn't smell that bad.

And yes - take every second of time you need. If he wants you to have made a decision already, tell him he can suck a toe. You're still emotionally in the situation. Take a few days to withdraw somewhat and try to see it as logically as you can. Tell him you'll call him, not for him to call you. 

A PP said, I think, that there's a difference between the disorder's issues and the issues he says are part of his disorder. I knew a kid who had autism once while I was working in an after-school program. (Not comparing disorders, but comparing personality tics.) He had a fair amount of limitations, yes, but he also knew that if people didn't know what those limitations were, he could move them around to suit him. So every few weeks, he went around trying to get snack before everyone else, trying not to have to do gym (which was not, like, PE class, it was just run-around time that he usually loved), trying to stay inside. Anytime he tried to do this, he said "I have autism. I have to have snack now." or "I have autism. I can't go outside." 

He KNEW these were not limitations he had. His parents had made us aware of his real limitations - he did not have to do homework in homework time, although he DID have to sit as quietly as he could that day - and told us that he'd try this. Thus, we were prepared to deal with those. "Your autism does not mean you get snack now." or whatever the situation dictated. He also knew which teachers were likely to get visibly frustrated, and he loved to push all the buttons with them until they had no choice but to go to the director. The director had permission from his parents to "take away his DS", which was at home (and was, in fact, taken away if she told them she had done so. It was an excellent system). When the director got involved, he unpushed all the buttons to avoid the punishment he knew he had earned.

To me, and I'm sorry, but it sounds like your FI is doing the same sort of things. He's telling you his limitations are not where they are, because he knows exactly how many buttons he can push before you walk out, which is something he knows he doesn't want. And he knows how to un-push those buttons to keep from what he doesn't want to happen. That has nothing to do with his disorder. That has to do with his personality, and I think it highly likely that he will.not.change that for you, as he's shown in the past.

decembergrl2014

I agree with the others as well. Take as much time as you need. Judging by your ticker you and him have been together a long time, and you can't just decide overnight what you want to do. If he calls and you're not ready to talk to him, then don't pick up the phone. If he texts you, delete the texts. Don't let him pressure you into talking if you're not ready. If he really loves you and wants to work things out then he will respect your decision for some space. As for the cat litter, he can handle that himself. He's just using that as an excuse to get you back to the apt.

lyndausvi

hugs

jdluvr06

*hugs* thinking of you. Also the only way I'd go over to take care of the litter box is if I was picking up my cats and all their stuff

Jells2dot0

Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry to you had to deal with his, but so glad you called your mom. I agree with the others- when you go back there, scoop the box and then pack it along with your other things.

NYCMercedes

You is kind. You is smart. You is important. You're so much better than that!

Ndelible

Take all of the time that you need. Be fearless. Love yourself. Good luck.

lovedryn

I'm sorry. But good for you for standing up for yourself! You deserve to be treated with respect! Personally if I were you, I would collect the cats and leave the little box contents dumped out on the floor. (He is a grown man, and if the smell bothers him so much he can pick up a filter mask at walmart for $0.80.)

Inkdancer

I'm proud of you for taking the first step. You are wonderful and you deserve to be treated wonderfully.

OliveOilsMom

Doeydo, you are doing what is best for you!  Keep thinking about yourself in this situation and not what is going on with him.  He will always try to pull you back in, so he will, and has already shown he will, tell you what you want to hear.  But he will not follow what he has said to bring you back in.  

Last night your gut told you he was up to something and it turned out your gut was right.  Remember that sometimes its better to go with your gut than with your heart.

Blergbot

I'm sorry, but the litterbox thing floors me. That's what he's concerned about right now? Really? I'm so proud of you, though. This is a great first step!

[Deleted User]

doeydo said:

I'm in Southwestern Ontario, Canada.  

His FASD makes him extremely sensitive to smells and other sensory things, which is why I am the one that scoops the litter all the time.  

What a great reason to just take the cats and GO.

Seriously. You're going to talk to him? Let him convince you to cave like you've done all the times before? Really?

Look at your post history; go look at it and tell me you're going to talk to him and let him get his way again so I can wash my hands of this shit.

LadyMillil

I am so proud of you for taking some time away from him. I would go back to the apartment today to pick up your cats and all their stuff. If he really can't handle cleaning the litter box the cats shouldn't be with him anyways. I'm concerned that he is going to try to say a lot of stuff about changing and how he can't survive without you if you see him. Can you go get the cats when he isn't there? Can your mom, a friend or another family member go with you?

jenajjthr

Listening to our head/gut and taking the first step is always the hardest. He will now try to drag you back in by guilting you with the cats...he is "physically" incapable of taking care of them himself, so please please move back in. Just because he is sensitive doesn't mean he is incapable.....remember that. If you decide to make this easier on him, NOT my suggestion, make sure he is not there when you go to do this task. Better yet take the cats to your moms.

I hope you can see now, he has no intention of changing, working on changing, working on your relationship. Whether that is due to his FASD or strictly due to his choice, it really doesn't matter. What matters is that your happiness is NOT and NEVER WILL BE his #1 priority. You don't deserve that, you deserve a man who would swim through shark infested water to bring you a glass of lemonade. Who wants nothing but to make you happy. Who puts your wants, desires, and needs before his. 

These men exist, I know because my H is one of them. He does the most amazingly simple things for me that floor me in their acts of love. He will get me a pop out of the fridge and then open it for me before handing it to me. I know it seems like nothing, but compared to a man who made me to mow the lawn while on bed rest while pregnant....it's a lot. 

Be strong. It will be hard these first few days and weeks. Come here when you are feeling weak and want to go back, when his pull is strong. Our love and support will be stronger. You are worth so much more than him. ((((((HUGS)))))))

WinstonsGirl

Thinking of you Doey. We're here if you need anything.