Update on Me

jynxiie

Hey hun, I see that you said you're in southern Ontario.
I'm in Brampton myself (Not sure if you're close by) but if you need someone to go with you to get your cats or anything... I can give you a hand. 

Positive thoughts coming your way.

MairePoppy

I'm praying for you doeyedo.

mrsmagicgeek

I'm so proud of you @doeydo‌! That took a lot of guts, so good for you! I know how hard that was. PPs are absolutely right. Take the space you need. Do not talk to him until YOU are ready. Have someone go with you to pick up the cats, talk to the landlord and get your name off that lease. It's been about him long enough, it's Doey Time!

Sugargirl1019

It just flips my heart and stomach reading that. You never want that suspicion that something is going on, and then finding out you were right.

Find someone who never makes you wonder or worry again!

hellosweetie1015

lovedryn said:

I'm sorry. But good for you for standing up for yourself! You deserve to be treated with respect! Personally if I were you, I would collect the cats and leave the little box contents dumped out on the floor. (He is a grown man, and if the smell bothers him so much he can pick up a filter mask at walmart for $0.80.)

I stand corrected. Do this.

ohmrs2014

I'm sorry dory.  A few of the ladies summed up the advice I was going to give so I won't repeat it.  Just know that all of us are here for you.  Sending hugs!

jenna8984

I'm thinking of you and proud of you so far. I agree with what everyone has said- do not give him an opportunity to talk you back into it. When I broke up with my abusive ex, I refused all phone calls and texts. He even had his mom call me trying to get me to go over and talk to him and I refused. Absolutely no contact because I knew that was the only way I could be strong and not be swayed by him. He showed up at my college apartment and I locked the doors and left him yelling outside "let me in, I just want to talk". I did not answer, I did not yell out the window, I hid for 30 minutes until he left, and he eventually left. It worked and I was able to get my mind right and move the hell on. You need to do this, get your cats and no contact. P.S. It's a fucking litter box- it can sit for up to 2 weeks. I've gone on vacation for 2 weeks and left my cat with no sitter. Just lots of food and water and cleaned the box upon getting home. No issues. Even when I'm not on vaca I only clean it weekly.

jenajjthr

My H came home and gave me a kiss and it reminded me of a huge difference between him and my ex who is a lot like your guy. My ex would be a diagnosed narcissist, he fits most of the criteria. Doeydo I wanted you to hear it. 

Your guy is cheating on you. Not in the physical sense (at least as far as you know...I found out many years later how much physical cheating had actually occurred when I thought it was only emotional...mine was THAT good at covering his ass and lying to me), but it is still cheating. You have let him know how talking to other women, visiting the porn sites are violating parts of your relationship and you want it to stop. He is only saying enough words to placate you long enough to get you to back off. This is cheating, plain and simple. 

My H, knew my past, knew my ex, knew what he was getting into when he started dating me, yet for some strange reason decided he liked me enough to date me. Then he fell in love with me and asked me to marry him knowing that I had huge baggage from a man like my ex, knew I had trust issues. Yet he still loved me and wanted to be with me. I asked are you sure you can handle that. Yes I'm in therapy to get through my issues so he doesn't have to pay for them, but they do crop up from time to time. 

To make my point....there was a point in his work where he was always working 2 hours past his normal time off. He has a set schedule and his work doesn't typically approve overtime. I started getting worried, fears crept in. I tried calling a couple times to his phone, and he didn't pick up. Guess what, my head went straight to the conclusion he was with another woman. When he did call he could hear that I was crying. He asked what was wrong, then being the astute person he was, figured it out. He said I'll call back in just one moment, hung up, a few seconds later I got a pic of him, in front of his time clock, with date and time, proving where he was. Did he have to do this? No. Did I feel like an moron? Yes. But he did this so I wouldn't worry. We then talked about work and what was going on. 

He loves me so much he would do whatever it takes to put my heart and mind at ease. My ex didn't care about me at all and would do whatever it would take to shut me up for the moment, get me to calm down and then take care of him and his needs. You deserve what I have, not what I had. 

Oh and leave the kitty litter boxes on his bed, upside down, just like PP's have said. Smoosh it in a little too.  A little laundry is good for the soul. 

jdluvr06

Hope you're doing alright doey.

raissyrais

Wow Doey...well maybe all this will help ope up your eyes. You deserve so, so much better than this. Sounds like he might be using the litter box as an excuse to ensnare you again in his wiles. Please, please think about all this really hard.

blabla89

Oh doeydo, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have nothing to add as the PPs have already given great advice, but know that all of us are here to support you in doing the right thing for YOU.

sophhabobopha

Oh good for you honey. I've been thinking about you these past few days. You deserve all the ice cream.

bride2b71614

First off, many internet hugs. I followed a bit on your last thread, and I have to say that this is probably the best and most difficult decision that you have made for yourself in this relationship. PPs have made excellent points. Please do not get sucked back into this relationship. He is good at saying the things you'd like to hear, and then does not follow through with his promises. All the small details will be sorted out soon enough, and hopefully you will stick your guns and do what is best for you.

I am glad that you really stood your ground and didn't take shit from him this time. Its extremely hard to say goodbye, especially because you have been in this relationship for quite a long time. You have tolerated his crappy behaviors in the past because you love him/because you worry that he will not do well without you. But today, you took yourself into account, and did what was best for you, and for that, you should be proud of yourself.

I don't think anyone has mentioned this yet, but you both see the same therapist (for individual treatment and couples counseling) correct? If this is the case, I would recommend looking for a different treatment provider as soon as possible.  Even though the therapist said that she can't tell you whether or not leaving is the best thing, I would be weary of continuing treatment with her due to the fact that you and he are both her patients. 

Making positive changes and breaking cycles are incredibly challenging things to do. There will be good days, and there will be bad days. I hope that you will take this time to see if this is how you truly want to spend the rest of your life (really, I hope you can break away from this relationship and find someone who will treat you infinitely better than he ever will). Please continue to use the boards as a support system, from what I've seen, the community is incredibly supportive of its members especially when they are going through tough times.

I wish you the best of luck, and I'll be sending positive vibes your way. 

[Deleted User]

In my mind, if you "talk" to him, we're all going to read about you moving back in and starting the cycle all over again next week. So don't talk to him; pack your stuff and go find out what real happiness is.

LDay2014

@doeydo‌ I'm central Ontario so count me in for ability to open a can of whoop ass if you so desire.

I'm curious of his heightened sense of smell makes him more sensitive to the smell of his own bullshit...

Stay strong. Vent away. Take your time until you're 100% confident in how you want to proceed

Ndelible

PPs have been supportive and given a heck of a lot of good advice. Breathe in and exhale. Then, look at the title of your post. It is about YOU. Your feelings, your needs and desires. Stop and look in the mirror. Admire your beauty and strength. Admire every inch of yourself. And then say I AM worthy. I AM beautiful. I AM kind. Say I AM and follow with all of the wonderful things you are and want to be. Making a decision of this magnitude is almost always scary but fear is really what holds us back. And then smile. The life you want is there/here. Good luck.

wandajune6

Good for you! So proud of you for listening to your heart and not allowing any more excuses. You are a strong woman and will be so much better off in the future.

If your were closer, we'd be offering to help move you and the kitties. Instead, lots of internet hugs!

theartistformerlyknownas

LDay2014 said:

@doeydo‌ I'm central Ontario so count me in for ability to open a can of whoop ass if you so desire.

I'm curious of his heightened sense of smell makes him more sensitive to the smell of his own bullshit...

Stay strong. Vent away. Take your time until you're 100% confident in how you want to proceed

I'm in Detroit. I have a passport.

bride2b71614

Another suggestion: Do you know his current work schedule/when he's out of the house? Due to his behavior (how he can charm you out of leaving), I second @LadyMillil who suggested that someone come with you if you go back to the apartment. If that isn't an option, I think your next best bet is to collect your cats/other belongings at a time when he isn't home. As cruel/juvenile as that sounds, you don't owe him an explanation or closure. Because I am a mean person, I would take my belongings, my cats, and just the litter box. I would leave the litter for him to deal with as a parting gift.

ETA: Don't actually do that @beethery is right.

beethery

Knowing from what I've read about this dude he'd leave the litter until he finally moved out, then somehow manage to put it on Doey with the management so that she gets charged some kind of extra cash for cleanup.

[Deleted User]

IN my mind, if you "talk" to him, we're all going to read about you moving back in

beethery said:

Knowing from what I've read about this dude he'd leave the litter until he finally moved out, then somehow manage to put it on Doey with the management so that she gets charged some kind of extra cash for cleanup.

If she gets off the lease now, there's no way in hell that will work. I couldn't very well blame a mess on my roommate after she moved out. It's expected that I'd be an adult and clean it up.

APDSS22

I'd just like to add that if the smell was SO bad that he couldn't clean the litter box (with his condition), he could ask someone else to do it or even pay someone to come clean it. He's trying to pull you back in.

SammiNJonni

Go get your stuff and your cats and move on with your life. You deserve better than this. 

doeydo

Thank you everyone for everything

I'm happy and lucky that I have my mom here in town if I need a place to stay.  I feel like I am going to disappoint you all, but I went to talk to him and am back now (with him).  He agreed to installing the nanny software in the cellphone and hopefully use this as a tool to prevent things, since obviously he has very low impulse control regarding this sort of thing.  I'll call my therapist and ask to see her by myself as soon as she can fit me in (we have a couple's appointment near the end of September).  

Regarding the psychopathy/sociopath and/or narcissism. some of the facets sound like him, some of which sound possibly related to his FASD, IDK.

ETA clarity

[Deleted User]

CALLED IT

BreMR

I am starting to wonder if you're for real... I mean ARE YOU FOR REAL?  

I've been around here long enough to have watched a few of your help seeking threads, and I'm starting to have a hard time believing anyone could make this same mistake over and over again. 

 I wish you luck, it certainly seems like you need it.  I also hope that when you need help again in the future you have the support you've been getting here. Personally, I would get tired of giving you support and heartfelt advice only for it to be completely disregarded within a day.

Yeeps.

lc07

Doey, I recommend seeing your individual counselor at LEAST once a week.

SammiNJonni

lc07 said:

Doey, I recommend seeing your individual counselor at LEAST once a week.

This and get your own counselor not one that also does your couples therapy. 

lc07

SammiNJonni said:

lc07 said:

Doey, I recommend seeing your individual counselor at LEAST once a week.

This and get your own counselor not one that also does your couples therapy. 

YES! this time 1,000. Your own counselor that FI does not have access to and who is there for your best interest.

doeydo

I'm sorry.  I'll stop bugging you all.