Update on Me

lc07

You are not bugging me! I want to continue to be here with you through this. Love you, girl.

alpacalunch

Doey, you need to work this all out for yourself. You aren't 'bugging' anyone, it's just hard to know someone you care about isn't doing what is best for them.

You've gotten a lot of really good advice in the last few threads. Please take it to heart.

You love him, that's great. You're willing to work on things, okay. Is he really? Do you want to be his caregiver for the rest of your lives?

I really think you should head back to your moms place, at least temporarily. Sort things out. It's too fresh.

And I'm just east of Toronto, so feel free to PM me if I can do anything.

You deserve better than this.

ETA: Tk stop eating my paragraphs, it's rude.

lovedryn

@doeydo‌ I highly reccommend that you think on a few things before you decide to run back to your FI. For starters consider why, when he could very simply join you in bed and make his desires / needs known to the woman he professes to love, would he choose to leave you alone in bed to watch porn?

Secondly think about exactly his actions are saying. His actions are telling you that whenever he has needs or desires, he is unwilling to share those with you. HE would RATHER search out and choose OUTSIDE sources to sate his sexual desires. You were home and alone in bed. He could have walked a few feet and been WITH you but chose not to.

Who is to say that when he had only to take a few steps to come to you for what he needed, that anytime it comes to any other thing in life would ever be any different?

The sad truth is that it won't be. Yes people can change, sure... But the point of love and a relationship, much less a marriage, is that you accept and are happy with exactly how things are at this moment without ever expecting a single tiny little thing to change.

So the final question is, is it worth it? Can you be happy always looking over your shoulder to see if he has yet again run to something... to someone else?

jenajjthr

Doeydo, think of this in terms of if you had a friend who you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was being abused by her SO. Physically being beat up. They came to you with bruises but with the excuse of they said something wrong and that is why he hit her. If they just learned to watch what they said, kept the house cleaner, kept the kids quieter, etc. It really isn't his fault, his dad hit his mom, this was how he was raised. He's going to counseling with me, but he can't promise me he won't hit me anymore. The counselor can't tell me to leave him, he may change someday. She leaves, then goes back, then leaves, then goes back. 

You would KNOW that this friend needs help and would want to always be there for her. But at some point you would also have to step back and let her continue to be in the abusive relationship because you can't be dragged down into that cycle either. It isn't healthy. You are in an abusive relationship. Screw his FASD, that is his excuse to get you to stay. That is his control mechanism over you. 

This man ISN'T healthy for you. I can't say that enough or loud enough. I want to get in my car right now, pack your stuff up, and get you out of there. He has you so brainwashed its not even funny. I want you to print off every single post you have placed on here on what he has done and take it with you to a therapist....NOT YOUR COUPLES THERAPIST...and see what their advice is. Call the abuse hotline for a recommendation, the number I got off Google is 1−800−799−7233. 

None of us want to walk away from you. But you will find that you will have less of us if you continue the cycle of "I'm done, no I'm not, I'm done, no I'm not." If you can't see that this is the pattern of a abuse victim, we can't help you forever. 

lyndausvi

Relationships, especially ones that have not entered into marriage yet, should not be this hard.    

Sorry, but it's the truth.

Sure some relationships will have some highs and low. Normally due to say job loss, illness, etc.   But I can only go by what you post and I'm sorry.  From where I'm sitting this relationship isn't worth it.

It's hard to hear.  I was in a 5 year relationship with someone who was an ass.  He didn't abuse me (verbally or physically), but he was an ass just the same. I knew it about 3 years in, but I didn't want to accept it.   I  didn't want to give up on a 3 year relationship.  I spent the last 2 years defending and making excuses for him.     It finally ended when I caught him cheating on me.     

I'm not going to lie. I was "alone" for quite a long time after him.  He F'd me up mentally as far as relationships goes.   But I had a great life, I was free, moved to the islands, found an amazing job and then I finally met someone and I married him.  He is the best thing to ever happen to me.

Get out,  Run away.  It's going to suck for a while, but you will be better off in the long run.  

theartistformerlyknownas

Oh Doey. Nothing you have invested in this relationship - the years, the apartment, the shared assets, the wedding plans, nothing - is worth how terribly he treats you. He doesn't love you. He never will. He is either incapable or unwilling, but it doesn't matter which. You deserve love. First from yourself, then from someone else. You've already got it from us. Why are you choosing to not find the rest of the love you deserve?

Inkdancer

@Doeydo You are not bothering anyone! Getting out of the cycle of an imbalanced relationship can be really difficult. We will keep being here for you.

It took being assaulted by an ex for me to finally see how badly he was hurting me. I am hopeful for you that you can get out sooner.

SammiNJonni

Doey we are all here for you, you are not bugging us. We just don't want to see you get hurt again. 

hellosweetie1015

Inkdancer said:

@Doeydo You are not bothering anyone! Getting out of the cycle of an imbalanced relationship can be really difficult. We will keep being here for you.

THIS. This right here. You aren't bothering me a single bit posting. I hate seeing updates from you saying you're done, and then you're back with him, but that's because I hate seeing it for you. Not because I'm sick of it.

I am here. We are here. We just hurt for you, and because it feels like we can't help you. Which we really can't, we're just invisible people living inside your computer (or at least I am, I dunno about the rest of you shmucks). But if it were my sister or my best friend, or hell, any woman I knew, I would ache for her to get out and get free, and not be roped back in constantly by his (false) promises and his nanny-software bullshit. And I think you would feel the same if the roles were reversed.

I do agree with getting a therapist who has no interest whatsoever in your FI and only has interest in helping you. Your couples' counselor is not that person. In the meantime, you've got a friend in Alabama. 

If you'll PM me, I'll give you my email so you can vent in private if you want. I can be your crazy redneck Alabama friend. (Full disclosure: I don't really know how to be a redneck but I can pretend!) You don't have to, it won't hurt my feelings, but if you want to, I'm here. Hell, once I get my passport I'll come open up a can of my personal whup-ass recipe. 

Love.

decembergrl2014

I haven't read your other threads, but based on what the other PPs have said this is not the first time he's hurt you. Every relationship is different, but just the fact that you and him are already in couples therapy before you're married sends out a huge red flag. I was married for 4 years and he and I were also in therapy before the wedding, and we spent the entire marriage in and out of therapy. The final straw for me was when I found a romantic email he wrote to another girl. That got me to my limit, and I had enough guts to kick him out. He's agreed to installing the software, but do you want to constantly log into it to see what's he's doing on his phone? Do you have tablets, laptops or a desktop in your apartment? Is the software just on his phone or on these devices also? How do you know he won't still look at these sites, just not on his phone? I'm sorry about all of the questions, but it's just something you should maybe think about. This guy has betrayed your trust big time, and that's a very tough pill to swallow. He just gave you another reason to stay in therapy. You sound like a very caring and forgiving person. These are great qualities to have, but it just seems to me like he is taking advantage of these qualities instead of appreciating them.

RebeccaB88

You know why the nanny software isn't going to work for you guys? BECAUSE HE CAN TURN IT OFF AND ON. It also does nothing for texts, email, and phone conversations. He's had 24 hours to warn every girl he was talking to that he would only be available to them those ways and to give them his email and phone numbers. Hell, mine even had an entire secret phone that he kept to talk to other women on. That way his primary phone wouldn't show anything when I snooped in it. I would bet my left buttcheek that he had someone over when you weren't there. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO. Oh, and next time you leave, if there is one, take the cats with you. Trust me on this.

wandajune6

You're not bothering anyone, silly! You just have a big group of web friends who worry about you. I think we're a protective group. When I read your post, my first thought was that you're setting yourself up to be hurt further.

You seem to be following a classic thought parsers that many of us make. Instead, think of the sunk cost fallacy. I can't find a great definition online but I found this:

"When one makes a hopeless investment, one sometimes reasons: I can’t stop now, otherwise what I’ve invested so far will be lost. This is true, of course, but irrelevant to whether one should continue to invest in the project. Everything one has invested is lost regardless. If there is no hope for success in the future from the investment, then the fact that one has already lost a bundle should lead one to the conclusion that the rational thing to do is to withdraw from the project."

You get the idea.

Leaving is never easy, even when you know it to be the right choice. It's even worse when you feel like you're making life worse for them.

My mom gave me a piece when I was going through a phase of similar turmoil: if you had a daughter in the same situation, what would you want her to do?

JoanE2012

@doeydo - I usually try and mind my own business w/ people's personal relationships, especially when I have nothing positive to say.  But I can't help it here. This isn't a healthy relationship and he keeps manipulating you.  I hope eventually you can see the truth and realize the same and get out permanently.  You deserve a hell of a lot better than this.

beethery

pinkrevenge said:

IN my mind, if you "talk" to him, we're all going to read about you moving back in

beethery said:

Knowing from what I've read about this dude he'd leave the litter until he finally moved out, then somehow manage to put it on Doey with the management so that she gets charged some kind of extra cash for cleanup.

If she gets off the lease now, there's no way in hell that will work. I couldn't very well blame a mess on my roommate after she moved out. It's expected that I'd be an adult and clean it up.

This makes me happy. At least the management would not buy his shenanigans at all. Pour the poo litter every-god-damn-where. (Drunk advice, don't recommend taking itttt)

Blergbot

Did you clean out the cat box? It's going to make me so sad if you cleaned out that cat box...

jdluvr06

You're not bothering anyone. No one wants to see you hurt again and I'm worried that is what is gonna happen

bride2b71614

I think you misinterpreted the tone of the PPs in response to your update as annoyance, but I viewed it as concern. From what I'm reading you don't trust him, you don't have sex, he uses his FASD as an excuse for poor behavior, he treats you like a caretaker rather than a lover, and he dissapoints you time and time again. May I ask why you stay with him? What redeeming qualities does this relationship have?

If you are staying in this relationship to avoid being alone, or because you invested too much time in it, or because you feel guilty about what will happen if you leave, you need to realize that you deserve better than this. Relationships are a two way street. You've invested time and energy and really want this to work out, but you need to realize that he is incapable of reciprocating your efforts. When you marry someone, you can live with their flaws. In this case, I don't think you can look yourself in the mirror and say with a straight face "I can live with worrying constantly about whether or not he's being faithful." Please seek help from a different therapist, and please continue to use the boards as a support system.

ETA: @doeydo‌, these questions were asked in the last thread and you never answered them. Maybe the good qualities have been lost because everything we read has been negative.

mrsmagicgeek

Definitely a different therapist. No therapist who has your best interests in mind is going to tell you that staying where you are is a good thing, or that it's in any way healthy for you. You need someone in your corner, and your current therapist ain't it.

Edit: autocorrect was helping again

steph861

We care about you, doey. A lot. Please don't think you're annoying us.

It hurts to see somebody we care about hurting. It hurts even more to see somebody we care about heading down a road that will only lead to more pain.

beethery

Doey this is not the most proper advice, but in addition to seeing a separate therapist, I recommend finding you a new dick to swing on.

he expects all this shit and you kowtow to his needs without actually addressing your own.

FIND YOU A NEW DICK TO SWING ON, as his is not worth all this bullshit.

kkitkat79

Why don't you watch porn together? It might be awkward at first, but maybe you could work with some of his impulse control problems and not against them? Just lie in bed together and watch some movies. So what if they are x-rated? The problem is that he cannot change and he will not change. He can love you to the moon and back, but his brain does not work properly. Are there any other problems that are really hard for you to deal with? I've read that he is not good with money, is that something that you've worked out? If the main issue is him watching porn then maybe the way to deal with it is to experience it together? I don't know, I am not a professional, just seems like something worth trying if you want to stay in the relationship. I agree with the PPs that said that you first have to decide whether you are willing to accept him they way he is now. Because he will not change.

duhitsd

@doeydo I've been reading through your last couple of posts and I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you.

artbyallie

BreMR said: I am starting to wonder if you're for real... I mean ARE YOU FOR REAL?  
I've been around here long enough to have watched a few of your help seeking threads, and I'm starting to have a hard time believing anyone could make this same mistake over and over again. 
 I wish you luck, it certainly seems like you need it.  I also hope that when you need help again in the future you have the support you've been getting here. Personally, I would get tired of giving you support and heartfelt advice only for it to be completely disregarded within a day.
Yeeps.

ETF: Stupid broken boxes as always


Have you ever had someone in your real life who was in a bad relationship? It is so, so hard for the one in that situation to recognize the truth and get up the nerve to leave and end things for good. My cousin is currently separated from her husband of less than a year and looking into divorce/annulment. This even though she had misgivings before the wedding (which she told none of us about). She stayed when he hit her even though she has worked for a women's shelter and knows the signs of abuse. This even though she is training in law enforcement and knows how to defend herself. So yeah, sometimes it takes a while and multiple mistakes to make that choice.

BreMR

artbyallie said:

BreMR said:

I am starting to wonder if you're for real... I mean ARE YOU FOR REAL?  

I've been around here long enough to have watched a few of your help seeking threads, and I'm starting to have a hard time believing anyone could make this same mistake over and over again. 

 I wish you luck, it certainly seems like you need it.  I also hope that when you need help again in the future you have the support you've been getting here. Personally, I would get tired of giving you support and heartfelt advice only for it to be completely disregarded within a day.

Yeeps.

ETF: Stupid broken boxes as always

Have you ever had someone in your real life who was in a bad relationship? It is so, so hard for the one in that situation to recognize the truth and get up the nerve to leave and end things for good. My cousin is currently separated from her husband of less than a year and looking into divorce/annulment. This even though she had misgivings before the wedding (which she told none of us about). She stayed when he hit her even though she has worked for a women's shelter and knows the signs of abuse. This even though she is training in law enforcement and knows how to defend herself. So yeah, sometimes it takes a while and multiple mistakes to make that choice.

SITB

Yes, in fact I have... I have a relative going through something very similar, I did tell doey about in a previous post... Instead of porn her husband is addicted to drugs. Perhaps my post was a bit on the harsh side, but if this were my relative I probably would have been more harsh about it.

I genuinely hope that doey does what's best for her, she's lucky to have all of the ladies here to talk to her.

[Deleted User]

Admittedly the following thoughts entered my mind:

1. This is fake and for attention and fake sympathy (sorry, but I've seen women fake high risk pregnancies and other horrible real-life things)

2. The sympathy is enabling her. I know that sounds terrible, but this sometimes reads like munchausen, only instead of making herself sick she keeps going back to a shit relationship, and the minute anyone questions it we got the "I'll stop bothering you" thing. Again, maybe that's just me having been lead on before.


And I honestly hope one of the above is the case, so that a real woman isn't actually dealing with this.

BreMR

winchestered said:

I am starting to wonder if you're for real... I mean ARE YOU FOR REAL?  

I've been around here long enough to have watched a few of your help seeking threads, and I'm starting to have a hard time believing anyone could make this same mistake over and over again. 

 I wish you luck, it certainly seems like you need it.  I also hope that when you need help again in the future you have the support you've been getting here. Personally, I would get tired of giving you support and heartfelt advice only for it to be completely disregarded within a day.

Yeeps.

Hi, let's be best friends. @doeydo, you've gotten a lot of support. And now you just need a swift kick in the ass. Stop having a woe is me momennt and step up to the plate. Get your shit from the apartment, take your cats and cash and find a new dick to swing on like @beethery says. The best way to get over one guy is to get under another. Stop fucking around since there is nothing there for you.

bride2b71614

Here's what I see: You have a problematic relationship, with factors that you are unable to handle, and you also have a time limit as to when these issues need to be resolved. You are being pressured by external influences (your SO and the therapist, or the perceived potential upset family members) to get married. You've already set a date, booked the venue, put down deposits, and purchased a dress. You may feel obligated to marry him because you knew what you were getting into when he proposed. I have no idea.

These are the only reasons that I could think of as to why you continue to go back. But these reasons are excuses, and these excuses are not good enough to justify continuing the relationship. Stop making excuses. Please do something for yourself. If it means losing money on the deposits to move onto bigger and better things, it's a small price to pay for your well being.

This board can support you (we all have the same opinion on your relationship thus far), but it's up to you to come to the conclusion that nothing good is coming from this.

doeydo

decembergrl2014 said:

I haven't read your other threads, but based on what the other PPs have said this is not the first time he's hurt you. Every relationship is different, but just the fact that you and him are already in couples therapy before you're married sends out a huge red flag. I was married for 4 years and he and I were also in therapy before the wedding, and we spent the entire marriage in and out of therapy. The final straw for me was when I found a romantic email he wrote to another girl. That got me to my limit, and I had enough guts to kick him out. He's agreed to installing the software, but do you want to constantly log into it to see what's he's doing on his phone? Do you have tablets, laptops or a desktop in your apartment? We have my laptop (which he doesn't know the password to get into to use it), his laptop, the one cell phone, and an Xbox 360 that can access the internet.   Is the software just on his phone or on these devices also? The software is just on his phone and computer. How do you know he won't still look at these sites, just not on his phone?   I guess I don't, afterall, where there's a will there's a way. I'm sorry about all of the questions, but it's just something you should maybe think about. This guy has betrayed your trust big time, and that's a very tough pill to swallow. He just gave you another reason to stay in therapy. You sound like a very caring and forgiving person. These are great qualities to have, but it just seems to me like he is taking advantage of these qualities instead of appreciating them.

AddieCake

Yeah, Doeydo, I'm inclined to believe he will just go to the forbidden sites and do the inappropriate things on other devices now. I don't think anything has been solved or resolved here.

doeydo

kkitkat79 said:

Why don't you watch porn together? It might be awkward at first, but maybe you could work with some of his impulse control problems and not against them? Just lie in bed together and watch some movies. So what if they are x-rated?   I am open to trying this.  I don't know about him, though, since he was against an open relationship or altering the boundaries on the relationship somewhat. The problem is that he cannot change and he will not change. He can love you to the moon and back, but his brain does not work properly. Are there any other problems that are really hard for you to deal with? I've read that he is not good with money, is that something that you've worked out?  Yes, there is the money thing and I think our current banking situation is working for us.  He also seems to lie instead of coming clean about something.  For example, he has quit smoking in the past only to go back to it but not tell me and try to keep it hidden from me. If the main issue is him watching porn then maybe the way to deal with it is to experience it together? I don't know, I am not a professional, just seems like something worth trying if you want to stay in the relationship. I agree with the PPs that said that you first have to decide whether you are willing to accept him they way he is now. Because he will not change.