How to decline help

pegasuskat

I  think one partner not working is perfectly fine if they are able to live that way. But this story has lots of red flags, they don't seem to have extra money, she is working to pay off his CC that are closed, and she's afraid she will lose him if she asks him to work?  He doesn't seem to be taking care of kids, or going to school for a future career, he just doesn't want to work?  I know a lot of people that don't "want" to work but must, he probably feels like he won the lottery.

levioosa

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Thanks, we think it'll be a blast ant anyone who doesn't like it can stay home that day. We have about 75 people, up to 100 people that were planning to invite, and we're thinking that people can talk to each other, and adults can entertain entertain themselves. We're not the typical wedding factory catering hall types of people, and since my fiance doesn't have a job we don't really think that we need to spend a lot of money for people to have a good time.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

It's not at a restaurant, it's going to be in the yard. We might set up game stations and let people know that the pool is open. I bought a special bathing suit. My sister keeps saying that people will be bored and will need some direction, but we disagree and think people can mingle and enjoy themselves. It's not going to be a traditional NY wedding.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Great notes, thanks. We aren't sure what we will do if it rains, we figure because it's a summer day it should be sunny, and the tent will provide protection. I will talk to my sister again. She just is used to a typical wedding and she uses this as any excuse to tell me my fiance need to work, and he doesn't have to. So that's why we are letting his parent pay for the wedding, and I'd they don't have money for a DJ it's not something we think is necessary either.

Thanks for the advice, it's reasurring that others understand!

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Well he doesn't need to because I make enough so it's never been an issue, plus his parents paid for his sister's whole wedding so we assume they like to do this. We asked for their advice and they said not to worry they'd handle everything. I just don't think they need to pay for all the extras so we are going without certain things we think are corny like the DJ, it's not qorth the argument if my sister is the only one who thinks we need it (plus other things, this is just an example of one of the things she wanted me to look into).

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

We don't really have the money, and his parents already offered. 

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I don't know what that means. My sister keeps giving us suggestions on how to add on to our wedding, but we don't want the suggestions because we don't want his parents to spend any more money than they have to. Other people have said that things like a DJ aren't exactly necessary, I have to figure out how to tell my sister to stop giving me suggestions. I think it's pretty clear? My fiance doesn't even think it's DJ is necessary, so I really don't think I should ask his parents if we could have one. Our original plan, we were going to ask one of the guests to help set set up the music, but it's a detail we can always work out later.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I make enough but we don't have a lot left over, it goes to bills and his old credit cards that are closed. So we don't have any new debt, and once we get married we will be able to start saving more. His parents know we want to have a nice wedding, we aren't asking the for anything, they offered so we accepted. I'm sure anyone would accept this gift. I'm going to get them a nice thank you gift after the wedding. We even asked them to book a cleaning service for after so his aunt doesn't have to clean. 

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

These are not really helpful comments, I thought that all we needed to do was have an efficient and make sure our guests have Refreshments. We're doing more than that, but we didn't think a DJ was necessary since his parents shouldn't have to spend all of their money on things that are probably not necessary.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I don't think it's important. He's a good guy, we've been together every day since the day we met. And also, he has some health issues so he visits the doctors during the week and really doesn't have time to work full-time, so he takes care of our home and it's what works for us. We choose to live modestly so this way we have every minute to spend together and we don't have to worry about schedule conflicts like some people we know.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Well, they offered to pay for it. So now we are planning our wedding. We're not doing anything fancy, And they did pay for his sister's whole wedding so when my fiance mentioned we wanted to have a similar wedding, they were excited and offered. We want to be married so I don't see why we would turn down an offer like that.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

He doesn't want to, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to lose him over something we don't need to be happy. We don't have the money to have the wedding his parent are willing to host, and this allows us to no longer put it off. Plus we are saving money by having it at his aunt's house versus a hall so it's not like we are breaking the bank, his parents have money and don't mind helping us. We want to have kids and I'm not getting any younger, so it will be nice to finally be married. Everyone wants to see us get married too so we really want to make sure all the important people are invited, and we wouldn't be able to do that without their help.

JIC

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

Wow, tough on me. We did not ask for any money, we said that we wanted to be married and his parents offered. We did not ask them to pay for anything. We told them them we are able to stay under $5,000 for the whole thing, and they were very happy to have such a small amount. His sister's wedding was way more expensive in a catering hall so this really isn't that big of a deal. And if they didn't offer to pay for it, we would just put it off. We accepted because we didn't want to put it off anymore. I don't see why we should have declined their gift?

levioosa

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Wow, tough on me. We did not ask for any money, we said that we wanted to be married and his parents offered. We did not ask them to pay for anything. We told them them we are able to stay under $5,000 for the whole thing, and they were very happy to have such a small amount. His sister's wedding was way more expensive in a catering hall so this really isn't that big of a deal. And if they didn't offer to pay for it, we would just put it off. We accepted because we didn't want to put it off anymore. I don't see why we should have declined their gift?

No one is saying you should have declined it. People are concerned, however, that your FI doesn't seem to have any interest in working, even to help pay off his own pre-existing debt. You said he has health issues and appointments that take up the time of a full time job. Okay, he can still work part time and help to lower your his debt. What about your retirement? What about when children are added to the picture? You said it's not worth "losing him." So if you were to ask him to help out he would leave you? That's a huge red flag. 

charlotte989875

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Wow, tough on me. We did not ask for any money, we said that we wanted to be married and his parents offered. We did not ask them to pay for anything. We told them them we are able to stay under $5,000 for the whole thing, and they were very happy to have such a small amount. His sister's wedding was way more expensive in a catering hall so this really isn't that big of a deal. And if they didn't offer to pay for it, we would just put it off. We accepted because we didn't want to put it off anymore. I don't see why we should have declined their gift?

No one is saying you should have declined their gift; if it truly was a gift then you are free to accept it. Some of your posts do sound like you guys hinted at having a wedding like his sisters, or hinted at wanting a nice wedding, which prompted them to offer. That just seems a little like fishing for them to pay. If we're all reading that wrong, then I'm sorry. 

But just because his parents have the money (which you said) or they paid for his sister's wedding (which you have said many times) doesn't mean they have to pay for his/your wedding. I think the comparisons and attitude that they can afford it and it's not that big of a deal is what rubs people the wrong way here. It's incredibly generous they are offering to pay, and that your FI's aunt is willing to have it at her home.

levioosa

charlotte989875 said:

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Wow, tough on me. We did not ask for any money, we said that we wanted to be married and his parents offered. We did not ask them to pay for anything. We told them them we are able to stay under $5,000 for the whole thing, and they were very happy to have such a small amount. His sister's wedding was way more expensive in a catering hall so this really isn't that big of a deal. And if they didn't offer to pay for it, we would just put it off. We accepted because we didn't want to put it off anymore. I don't see why we should have declined their gift?

No one is saying you should have declined their gift; if it truly was a gift then you are free to accept it. Some of your posts do sound like you guys hinted at having a wedding like his sisters, or hinted at wanting a nice wedding, which prompted them to offer. That just seems a little like fishing for them to pay. If we're all reading that wrong, then I'm sorry. 

But just because his parents have the money (which you said) or they paid for his sister's wedding (which you have said many times) doesn't mean they have to pay for his/your wedding. I think the comparisons and attitude that they can afford it and it's not that big of a deal is what rubs people the wrong way here. It's incredibly generous they are offering to pay, and that your FI's aunt is willing to have it at her home.

Also what Charlotte said. 

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

I don't see the problem if it doesnt bother me. I'm starting to contribute to my retirement again, I cashed it out a few years back to pay off my own debts and to catch up on bills, so now after we have the wedding we can focus on saving again.

TrixieJess

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I don't see the problem if it doesnt bother me. I'm starting to contribute to my retirement again, I cashed it out a few years back to pay off my own debts and to catch up on bills, so now after we have the wedding we can focus on saving again.

Oy. 

[Deleted User]

TrixieJess said:

freckles0716 said:

TrixieJess said:

Dude, you were quoted, deleting isn't helping. 

It's rude to ask for money. 

It's okay if your FI cannot work for "reasons". My FI only works casually because a) he's been a SAHP for the last few years; b) he's back in school pursuing a second career. 

I make enough money to keep us afloat. However, we are not having some extravagant wedding. We are keeping it intimate and small. We are also not asking anyone else to pay for anything. 

Don't act as if you are entitled to a party, and people will generally be a bit easier on you. 

To be fair, OP and her FI did not ask for money.  And it doesn't sound like they are having an extravagant wedding.  Her FI parents OFFERED to pay for the wedding and they are planning an event within the budget set.

Both H and I work and could have afforded a small wedding but my parents offered to foot the bill for a more fancy affair and we accepted.  Was that only okay because we both worked?  Would we have been looked down on if one of us wasn't working but the other was?  There are many couples where one person doesn't work for whatever reason and the other does.  It seems like the OP and her FI have come to a way of life that works for both of them (even though it may not work well for others) and they are now accepting a gift from his parents to pay for a small, causal wedding.  So I guess I am just not getting all the hate.

As for OPs original question...unsolicited advice is just a part of life.  Learn to ignore it.

They are having 100 people and they had the expectation that FI's parents would pay. Even if they didn't ask outright, I have a strong suspicion that major hints were dropped about them paying for the wedding. 

I guess I don't see where they had expectations that FIs parents were to pay.  Yes she mentioned that they paid for their daughters wedding but I don't see where she said "so we just assumed that they would pay for ours."  And what does it matter what size guest list they are having?  They are having the wedding at the home of relative and keeping it very simple and relaxed.  Just because the guest count may be 100 doesn't mean that the wedding is extravagant.

And she has said that her FI not working doesn't bother her.  It seems like it has been this way for awhile so picking at it isn't going to accomplish anything.

TrixieJess

freckles0716 said:

TrixieJess said:

freckles0716 said:

TrixieJess said:

Dude, you were quoted, deleting isn't helping. 

It's rude to ask for money. 

It's okay if your FI cannot work for "reasons". My FI only works casually because a) he's been a SAHP for the last few years; b) he's back in school pursuing a second career. 

I make enough money to keep us afloat. However, we are not having some extravagant wedding. We are keeping it intimate and small. We are also not asking anyone else to pay for anything. 

Don't act as if you are entitled to a party, and people will generally be a bit easier on you. 

To be fair, OP and her FI did not ask for money.  And it doesn't sound like they are having an extravagant wedding.  Her FI parents OFFERED to pay for the wedding and they are planning an event within the budget set.

Both H and I work and could have afforded a small wedding but my parents offered to foot the bill for a more fancy affair and we accepted.  Was that only okay because we both worked?  Would we have been looked down on if one of us wasn't working but the other was?  There are many couples where one person doesn't work for whatever reason and the other does.  It seems like the OP and her FI have come to a way of life that works for both of them (even though it may not work well for others) and they are now accepting a gift from his parents to pay for a small, causal wedding.  So I guess I am just not getting all the hate.

As for OPs original question...unsolicited advice is just a part of life.  Learn to ignore it.

They are having 100 people and they had the expectation that FI's parents would pay. Even if they didn't ask outright, I have a strong suspicion that major hints were dropped about them paying for the wedding. 

I guess I don't see where they had expectations that FIs parents were to pay.  Yes she mentioned that they paid for their daughters wedding but I don't see where she said "so we just assumed that they would pay for ours."  And what does it matter what size guest list they are having?  They are having the wedding at the home of relative and keeping it very simple and relaxed.  Just because the guest count may be 100 doesn't mean that the wedding is extravagant.

And she has said that her FI not working doesn't bother her.  It seems like it has been this way for awhile so picking at it isn't going to accomplish anything.

It's the expectation: her FI's sister had a nice wedding, she hinted that was what they wanted. If you are going really casual and cutting costs, you go with less people, under 50. It's simple economics. It still costs money to feed people and provide chairs, tables, silverware, drinks, and china. We are trying to figure out what the plan would have been otherwise.

You don't plan any sort of party with other people's money when you cannot get your own house in order. 

climbingsingle

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I don't see the problem if it doesnt bother me. I'm starting to contribute to my retirement again, I cashed it out a few years back to pay off my own debts and to catch up on bills, so now after we have the wedding we can focus on saving again.

Listen, it's hard to ignore the red flags you're sharing. Your FI doesn't want to work (who does? I'd love to stay home, but that's not realistic) and you're not only working to cover your day-to-day expenses, but you're also paying off his credit card debt? And you're worried about losing him if you push the issue? Another red flag. Add in the fact that you said you spend all of your time together, and that's your priority - all of this is concerning.

What happens if you lose your job? Or your ability to work? What happens when you have children? I hope you've discussed all these scenarios, and if you haven't, I hope you do before you get married. 

[Deleted User]

TrixieJess said:

It's the expectation: her FI's sister had a nice wedding, she hinted that was what they wanted. If you are going really casual and cutting costs, you go with less people, under 50. It's simple economics. It still costs money to feed people and provide chairs, tables, silverware, drinks, and china. We are trying to figure out what the plan would have been otherwise.

You don't plan any sort of party with other people's money when you cannot get your own house in order. 

So them just saying "oh Susie had a nice wedding, we would like ours to be like hers" was them showing an expectation of money?  Yeah, I still don't see it.  Before I knew my parents were going to pay for my wedding I said something similar about my sisters wedding which they paid for.  I said it without any sort of expectation, but rather just as a "oh hers was nice, I want ours to be that nice too."  Glad to know that I was expecting my parents to pay just by making an observation.

And where in the "rule book" does it say that 50 or under = casual/you are cutting costs?  I feel like forgoing a DJ and just using a Spotify station is a pretty good example of them cutting costs.

I just think there is too much assuming here.  OP should come back and clarify more of their plans so that everyone stops making assumptions.  So OP you stated that the budget is $5000.  Are you sticking to that?  I would probably nix the cleaning service and do the clean up yourselves to help save some money and to show your appreciation to the Aunt for letting you use her home.  What else do you have planned?  If you tells us your plans we can offer additional cost saving measures that you may not have thought of.

ETA:  To the bolded...you do if you were offered a gift of money to finance your wedding.  Now if they were financing it themselves and they were choosing between paying day to day bills vs paying for drinks for a wedding then I would agree that you don't plan any sort of party without getting your house in order first.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

We don't really need to talk about a lot of this stuff, because we are okay with how things are. I don't want him to feel like I'm giving him an allowance or an ultimatum, so we just stay happy the way things are. As far as Hinton, we did not hint. We talked about our wedding ideas with his parents because we spend our weekends with them and we talk a lot with them about our plans. If they didn't want to be involved in our lives in our wedding, I don't think that they would pick us up every weekend to come visit. Not that it's anybody's business, but just explaining why this works for us.

kahluakoala

TrixieJess said:

freckles0716 said:

TrixieJess said:

freckles0716 said:

TrixieJess said:

Dude, you were quoted, deleting isn't helping. 

It's rude to ask for money. 

It's okay if your FI cannot work for "reasons". My FI only works casually because a) he's been a SAHP for the last few years; b) he's back in school pursuing a second career. 

I make enough money to keep us afloat. However, we are not having some extravagant wedding. We are keeping it intimate and small. We are also not asking anyone else to pay for anything. 

Don't act as if you are entitled to a party, and people will generally be a bit easier on you. 

To be fair, OP and her FI did not ask for money.  And it doesn't sound like they are having an extravagant wedding.  Her FI parents OFFERED to pay for the wedding and they are planning an event within the budget set.

Both H and I work and could have afforded a small wedding but my parents offered to foot the bill for a more fancy affair and we accepted.  Was that only okay because we both worked?  Would we have been looked down on if one of us wasn't working but the other was?  There are many couples where one person doesn't work for whatever reason and the other does.  It seems like the OP and her FI have come to a way of life that works for both of them (even though it may not work well for others) and they are now accepting a gift from his parents to pay for a small, causal wedding.  So I guess I am just not getting all the hate.

As for OPs original question...unsolicited advice is just a part of life.  Learn to ignore it.

They are having 100 people and they had the expectation that FI's parents would pay. Even if they didn't ask outright, I have a strong suspicion that major hints were dropped about them paying for the wedding. 

I guess I don't see where they had expectations that FIs parents were to pay.  Yes she mentioned that they paid for their daughters wedding but I don't see where she said "so we just assumed that they would pay for ours."  And what does it matter what size guest list they are having?  They are having the wedding at the home of relative and keeping it very simple and relaxed.  Just because the guest count may be 100 doesn't mean that the wedding is extravagant.

And she has said that her FI not working doesn't bother her.  It seems like it has been this way for awhile so picking at it isn't going to accomplish anything.

It's the expectation: her FI's sister had a nice wedding, she hinted that was what they wanted. If you are going really casual and cutting costs, you go with less people, under 50. It's simple economics. It still costs money to feed people and provide chairs, tables, silverware, drinks, and china. We are trying to figure out what the plan would have been otherwise.

You don't plan any sort of party with other people's money when you cannot get your own house in order. 

Yeah, but it doesn't sound like any of this is the case - like the hosts of the wedding aren't upset with the guest list or relative extravagance of the wedding. And I feel like the comment on the sisters wedding is like, "hey, they've thrown a wedding before, none of this is new". It's third parties who aren't financially invested in the wedding who are trying to get them to up the hosting.

And sometimes families are willing to pay for a wedding and not help with other things financially - like, I'm going to grad school this year - my parents excitedly offered to host numerous wedding events but haven't offered a dime towards grad school, all of which is fine, but it's partially because a wedding is for parents in a lot of ways too. My mom explained to me that she and my dad feel like giving the gift of a wedding is a gift to us to start our lives with happiness and joy and well wishes from our family and friends - they wanted to give us that gift.

You do seem to think she should have declined the money since they couldn't have paid for the wedding themselves. 

And I may have opinions on whether or not OP's FI should be working or whatever, but I don't really know them or their financial situation so I just don't feel like that's my business.

TrixieJess

freckles0716 said:

TrixieJess said:

It's the expectation: her FI's sister had a nice wedding, she hinted that was what they wanted. If you are going really casual and cutting costs, you go with less people, under 50. It's simple economics. It still costs money to feed people and provide chairs, tables, silverware, drinks, and china. We are trying to figure out what the plan would have been otherwise.

You don't plan any sort of party with other people's money when you cannot get your own house in order. 

So them just saying "oh Susie had a nice wedding, we would like ours to be like hers" was them showing an expectation of money?  Yeah, I still don't see it.  Before I knew my parents were going to pay for my wedding I said something similar about my sisters wedding which they paid for.  I said it without any sort of expectation, but rather just as a "oh hers was nice, I want ours to be that nice too."  Glad to know that I was expecting my parents to pay just by making an observation.

And where in the "rule book" does it say that 50 or under = casual/you are cutting costs?  I feel like forgoing a DJ and just using a Spotify station is a pretty good example of them cutting costs.

I just think there is too much assuming here.  OP should come back and clarify more of their plans so that everyone stops making assumptions.  So OP you stated that the budget is $5000.  Are you sticking to that?  I would probably nix the cleaning service and do the clean up yourselves to help save some money and to show your appreciation to the Aunt for letting you use her home.  What else do you have planned?  If you tells us your plans we can offer additional cost saving measures that you may not have thought of.

The best/easiest way to cut costs is to cut your guest list. However, you can still have a splurge wedding with 50 guests. I'm having 20 and my budget is one and half the amount of OPs. I also live in a high COL area, so there's that. 

Red Flags abound with OP. If you want to enable that, go ahead. The rest of us will offer advice such as: Don't keep supporting a man that allows you to dip into your retirement savings to pay off bills. Holy hell! The taxation alone would send me running for the hills on that one. 

ShesSoCold

Yeah, maybe I've gone soft here but I don't get why we're nitpicking everything OP says and does. Her FI doesn't have a job. That appears to be working for them. Not my personal cup of tea, but hey, I'm not OP.

Sure, a lot of these things might be red flags for a lot of us (myself included) but it seems like a stretch to think that her marriage is doomed simply because he doesn't have a job and they spend time together. Nor is that really our problem and while I know she offered the information, I think we're focusing on one or two little parts and jumping to huge conclusions.

FWIW, If H told me today that we could afford for me not to work anymore, I'd quit my job tomorrow.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

I already paid the tax penalties on my retirement withdrawal, but we also figure that by getting married we're entitled to tax break so we should get a bigger refund next year, which will help us start saving towards the house now since that is our goal.

[Deleted User]

TrixieJess said:

The best/easiest way to cut costs is to cut your guest list. However, you can still have a splurge wedding with 50 guests. I'm having 20 and my budget is one and half the amount of OPs. I also live in a high COL area, so there's that. 

Red Flags abound with OP. If you want to enable that, go ahead. The rest of us will offer advice such as: Don't keep supporting a man that allows you to dip into your retirement savings to pay off bills. Holy hell! The taxation alone would send me running for the hills on that one. 

Yes, that is the easiest way, but not the only way.

And for the bolded...good for you but your way is not the only way.

I have learned/realized that it is best to not comment on how other people choose to live their lives just because it isn't the way you would do it.  Everyone is different and if OP and her FI are good with the way their lives are, then that is all that matters.  And again, there is the assumption that she was with this guy when she chose to use her retirement for debt.  Or maybe she was with him and he was against it, but she decided it was her retirement so she could do what she wants.  Assuming is never a good idea!

Lets remember the main factor behind the beginning of this post...how to handle unsolicited advice.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

I offered to use my retirement to help him with his debt, he really needed the help and is such a wonderful person that I would do anything for him.

[Deleted User]

ShesSoCold said:

FWIW, If H told me today that we could afford for me not to work anymore, I'd quit my job tomorrow.

MRDCle

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I offered to use my retirement to help him with his debt, he really needed the help and is such a wonderful person that I would do anything for him.

Really needed the help...yet was unwilling to get a job to help himself. Definite red flag. 

charlotte989875

ShesSoCold said:

FWIW, If H told me today that we could afford for me not to work anymore, I'd quit my job tomorrow.

I wouldn't. I love working. It's part of my identity. 

But, H might if we had the cash. 

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

I didn't ask him to quit, and he didn't ask to quit. I don't understand that assumption? I can support myself just fine, and supported myself before I met him so his income was never something I needed. So now that we've been together for a while, we're both able to live off of my income. I didn't need it when we first met and I didn't need it now, so that's why we don't need to talk about him working.

levioosa

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I already paid the tax penalties on my retirement withdrawal, but we also figure that by getting married we're entitled to tax break so we should get a bigger refund next year, which will help us start saving towards the house now since that is our goal.

I just want to point out that this is not always the case. I've had a number of friends get slammed with OWING large amounts the year after they were married. Getting married always = tax breaks is a big misconception a lot of newlyweds have. This isn't necessarily directed at you, OP. It's just something I see a lot. It's the worst to get blindsided by taxes. Talking to a financial advisor is always a good idea. 

FWIW, if we won the lottery or if FI suddenly made a lot more money, I would either quit my job, or leave for something that might not pay a lot, but would make me happy part time. Could we swing it now if I didn't work? Yeah, but things would be tight. But I would never hinge a relationship on that, and if FI talked to me and said "hey, i really think you should go back to work to help with our finances," I would bite the bullet and do it. Because that's life as an adult. I have a lot of debt (student loans). But I would never expect him just to pay my loans. Those were my decision to accumulate. There's a big difference between not working because you don't want to and having your SO pay your debt, and not working because you're having trouble finding a job/disability and having your SO pay your debt in the meantime. 

short+sassy

freckles0716 said:

ShesSoCold said:

FWIW, If H told me today that we could afford for me not to work anymore, I'd quit my job tomorrow.

I keep waiting for this day! Lol.  Of course, that would involve him actually getting another job first (sigh).

TrixieJess

levioosa said:

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I already paid the tax penalties on my retirement withdrawal, but we also figure that by getting married we're entitled to tax break so we should get a bigger refund next year, which will help us start saving towards the house now since that is our goal.

I just want to point out that this is not always the case. I've had a number of friends get slammed with OWING large amounts the year after they were married. Getting married always = tax breaks is a big misconception a lot of newlyweds have. This isn't necessarily directed at you, OP. It's just something I see a lot. It's the worst to get blindsided by taxes. Talking to a financial advisor is always a good idea. 

FWIW, if we won the lottery or if FI suddenly made a lot more money, I would either quit my job, or leave for something that might not pay a lot, but would make me happy part time. Could we swing it now if I didn't work? Yeah, but things would be tight. But I would never hinge a relationship on that, and if FI talked to me and said "hey, i really think you should go back to work to help with our finances," I would bite the bullet and do it. Because that's life as an adult. I have a lot of debt (student loans). But I would never expect him just to pay my loans. Those were my decision to accumulate. There's a big difference between not working because you don't want to and having your SO pay your debt, and not working because you're having trouble finding a job/disability and having your SO pay your debt in the meantime. 

Yes! At least up here, it depends on your "Family Income". Unless you make under a certain amount (and we're talking an unliveable amount for a family), and you have very specific deductions, i.e. investments, deductible living expenses, etc, when you get married, your tax burden can go up. I learned this the first year FI and I were Common-Law. Erp. 

charlotte989875

levioosa said:

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I already paid the tax penalties on my retirement withdrawal, but we also figure that by getting married we're entitled to tax break so we should get a bigger refund next year, which will help us start saving towards the house now since that is our goal.

I just want to point out that this is not always the case. I've had a number of friends get slammed with OWING large amounts the year after they were married. Getting married always = tax breaks is a big misconception a lot of newlyweds have. This isn't necessarily directed at you, OP. It's just something I see a lot. It's the worst to get blindsided by taxes. Talking to a financial advisor is always a good idea. 

FWIW, if we won the lottery or if FI suddenly made a lot more money, I would either quit my job, or leave for something that might not pay a lot, but would make me happy part time. Could we swing it now if I didn't work? Yeah, but things would be tight. But I would never hinge a relationship on that, and if FI talked to me and said "hey, i really think you should go back to work to help with our finances," I would bite the bullet and do it. Because that's life as an adult. I have a lot of debt (student loans). But I would never expect him just to pay my loans. Those were my decision to accumulate. There's a big difference between not working because you don't want to and having your SO pay your debt, and not working because you're having trouble finding a job/disability and having your SO pay your debt in the meantime. 

Yup, getting married didn't help us either. To be fair it didn't hurt us either, but we definitely didn't get a bigger return or anything after we got married.   

climbingsingle

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

We don't really need to talk about a lot of this stuff, because we are okay with how things are. I don't want him to feel like I'm giving him an allowance or an ultimatum, so we just stay happy the way things are. As far as Hinton, we did not hint. We talked about our wedding ideas with his parents because we spend our weekends with them and we talk a lot with them about our plans. If they didn't want to be involved in our lives in our wedding, I don't think that they would pick us up every weekend to come visit. Not that it's anybody's business, but just explaining why this works for us.

This is not a realistic approach to marriage. There are things you need to discuss BEFORE getting married if you truly want to have a successful marriage. That's great that you're happy the way things are now. What happens if that changes? 

We did not get a big tax credit back after getting married, FYI. You can't bank on that. 

Also, there's a big difference between your FI not working because you can support the two of you, and you emptying your savings to pay his debt. If you truly could support the two of you with just your income, you wouldn't need to drain your retirement account. 

ShesSoCold

Okay, so, yeah. The more I read from OP, the more I agree with most of you.

Draining retirement, lingering credit card debt and hopes of large tax returns are not part of financial stability.

OP, keep digging your financial hole and shutting your mouth, but know that money problems and communication problems are like cancer for a marriage. Aggressive, terminal cancer.

NBSquared2017

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I already paid the tax penalties on my retirement withdrawal, but we also figure that by getting married we're entitled to tax break so we should get a bigger refund next year, which will help us start saving towards the house now since that is our goal.

If it were me - I would put all the money I could toward getting out of debt and not worry about the house at this time.

It sounds like there are some serious financial issues - maybe figure those out before entering into a 30-year mortgage with someone who can't work. 

(Edited for spelling)