Garter: What Happens?

southernbelle0915

Meghan1428 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Ok there are two things at play here:

1) your FI with his head up your dress taking lingerie off your body with his teeth while your family and friends watch

2) forcing two unrelated (but possibly worse - related!) people to perform the reverse act on each other. 

 

In item #1, you and FI have made the decision together that you are both comfortable and want to do this. You know each other, you know each other's boundaries, you are married, and you are comfortable. In item #2, these two people - possibly acquaintances, possibly related (weird) - have not made this decision together. They do not know each other's boundaries, they are not married and they are (very likely) not comfortable. 

 

Never in my life have I left a wedding that left either or both of these items out where ANYONE said "man, I wish they had done the garter toss" or "I caught the bouquet, but I'm SO disappointed no one put the garter on me." Never. Most of the time people will say, "I'm glad the flow of the party wasn't disrupted by the garter performance" or "Phew! I caught the garter, but I'm so glad they didn't make me do that awkward performance...my girlfriend is here!"

Aside from the related thing, because agreed that would be kind of weird, by getting up to participate these people are agreeing to do it... like I said we have talked to everyone on our guest list about it - we see everyone that will be there quite often, there are only 5 guests coming in from OOT and we go see them often enough (FI's grandparents in the cape & 1 Aunt lives on the North Shore) the one Aunt who lives in AZ we talked to about it when she called to see how things were going and let us know how excited she is. Like I said in a much earlier post, if I thought for one second that people would be uncomfortable I wouldn't do it, but the fact of the matter is, many of our guests find this tradition hilarious and fun, and a fair amount had it at their own weddings.  

Honestly, I think it's fine if you want to do it - your prerogative. But what I take issue with is having other people do it. 

Even if you talked to everyone on your guest list, they might not tell you honestly how they feel (which is why TK exists - so people will tell you honestly without reservation how people REALLY feel). It's like this: if you told your Aunt in AZ how excited you were about your chocolate wedding cake. She's not going to be like "um, I don't like chocolate wedding cake, Meghan," she's going to say "that's nice, dear. we're so excited to come and share in your day."

Obviously, you're going to do whatever you want. I'm just trying to give you another perspective.

AllieBear725

southernbelle0915 said:

Meghan1428 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Ok there are two things at play here:

1) your FI with his head up your dress taking lingerie off your body with his teeth while your family and friends watch

2) forcing two unrelated (but possibly worse - related!) people to perform the reverse act on each other. 

 

In item #1, you and FI have made the decision together that you are both comfortable and want to do this. You know each other, you know each other's boundaries, you are married, and you are comfortable. In item #2, these two people - possibly acquaintances, possibly related (weird) - have not made this decision together. They do not know each other's boundaries, they are not married and they are (very likely) not comfortable. 

 

Never in my life have I left a wedding that left either or both of these items out where ANYONE said "man, I wish they had done the garter toss" or "I caught the bouquet, but I'm SO disappointed no one put the garter on me." Never. Most of the time people will say, "I'm glad the flow of the party wasn't disrupted by the garter performance" or "Phew! I caught the garter, but I'm so glad they didn't make me do that awkward performance...my girlfriend is here!"

Aside from the related thing, because agreed that would be kind of weird, by getting up to participate these people are agreeing to do it... like I said we have talked to everyone on our guest list about it - we see everyone that will be there quite often, there are only 5 guests coming in from OOT and we go see them often enough (FI's grandparents in the cape & 1 Aunt lives on the North Shore) the one Aunt who lives in AZ we talked to about it when she called to see how things were going and let us know how excited she is. Like I said in a much earlier post, if I thought for one second that people would be uncomfortable I wouldn't do it, but the fact of the matter is, many of our guests find this tradition hilarious and fun, and a fair amount had it at their own weddings.  

Honestly, I think it's fine if you want to do it - your prerogative. But what I take issue with is having other people do it. 

Even if you talked to everyone on your guest list, they might not tell you honestly how they feel (which is why TK exists - so people will tell you honestly without reservation how people REALLY feel). It's like this: if you told your Aunt in AZ how excited you were about your chocolate wedding cake. She's not going to be like "um, I don't like chocolate wedding cake, Meghan," she's going to say "that's nice, dear. we're so excited to come and share in your day."

Obviously, you're going to do whatever you want. I'm just trying to give you another perspective.

Hit the nail on the head with that one. But butttttttt, she has talked to everyone on her guest list, and they would tell her if they didn't approve.... I wouldn't. I would tell you, "that sounds nice" and go along with it because I wouldn't want to be rude. 

BangBangs39

AllieBear725 said:

Hit the nail on the head with that one. But butttttttt, she has talked to everyone on her guest list, and they would tell her if they didn't approve.... I wouldn't. I would tell you, "that sounds nice" and go along with it because I wouldn't want to be rude. 

@southernbelle0915 : I appreciate the attempted advice.

@AllieBear725 : They would tell me, because in our circle we enjoy open honesty with each other, its far more rude to tell someone you don't take issue with something and then talk about them behind their back... if that's how you approach things then you have no one to blame but yourself when something happens that you don't like.

southernbelle0915

Meghan1428 said:

AllieBear725 said:

Hit the nail on the head with that one. But butttttttt, she has talked to everyone on her guest list, and they would tell her if they didn't approve.... I wouldn't. I would tell you, "that sounds nice" and go along with it because I wouldn't want to be rude. 

@southernbelle0915 : I appreciate the attempted advice.

@AllieBear725 : They would tell me, because in our circle we enjoy open honesty with each other, its far more rude to tell someone you don't take issue with something and then talk about them behind their back... if that's how you approach things then you have no one to blame but yourself when something happens that you don't like.

I'm so glad you appreciated it. I try to give attempted advice whenever possible. Especially when someone is about to turn their wedding reception into a soft core porn show staring themselves and peer pressured, unwilling participants. I'm so glad you appreciate it as much as you do. 

AllieBear725

I think I love you @southernbelle0915

I also loved your post

BangBangs39

southernbelle0915 said:

I'm so glad you appreciated it. I try to give attempted advice whenever possible. Especially when someone is about to turn their wedding reception into a soft core porn show staring themselves and peer pressured, unwilling participants. I'm so glad you appreciate it as much as you do. 

 

That bolded part cracked me up - I just pictured my FI with a 70s porno mustache and myself with giant puffy hair. 

Its hard to get the tone of people sometimes, so I just want to say that I really do appreciate the fact that you've taken time out to give me your perspective, I am going to do it still, but I can appreciate your advice and attempts to sway me.

southernbelle0915

AllieBear725 said:

I think I love you @southernbelle0915

I also loved your post

Anytime AllieBear... Anytime. 

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

southernbelle0915

Peledreamsofrain said:

Meghan1428 said:

AllieBear725 said:

Hit the nail on the head with that one. But butttttttt, she has talked to everyone on her guest list, and they would tell her if they didn't approve.... I wouldn't. I would tell you, "that sounds nice" and go along with it because I wouldn't want to be rude. 

@southernbelle0915 : I appreciate the attempted advice.

@AllieBear725 : They would tell me, because in our circle we enjoy open honesty with each other, its far more rude to tell someone you don't take issue with something and then talk about them behind their back... if that's how you approach things then you have no one to blame but yourself when something happens that you don't like.

I'm so glad you appreciated it. I try to give attempted advice whenever possible. Especially when someone is about to turn their wedding reception into a soft core porn show staring themselves and peer pressured, unwilling participants. I'm so glad you appreciate it as much as you do. 

Ahahahaha, Southernbelle, will you marry me? I promise I'll use my hands at the reception.

Yes. And please use your teeth, Pele. My grandma thinks is HILARIOUS!

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

Dreamergirl8812

I don't think I've ever asked my dad how he feels about FI sticking his face up my dress in public. Maybe we're not as close as I thought...

PrettyGirlLost

PDKH said:

CSkahan148 said:

Yes, I'm starting to think that it would be a little too awkward for me. But he wants to take it off me. So I'm thinking maybe I'll keep it on for the entire time and either let him take it off when we have to change to head to the airport or for the formal dinner night on the honeymoon cruise I'll try to have a dress long enough to have one on haha

If you find it awkward then you shouldn't do it because by you being awkward you'll make other people feel that way.  I personally don't think its awkward, my FI will take it off with his teeth and the catcher will put it on the lucky lady who catches the bouquet... I know that our group of friends and our families are very playful and will laugh the whole time.  If my family/friends were more uptight I'd reconsider.

Dear God, PLEASE don't do this. You might not find it awkward, but I can almost guarantee you that the poor woman who gets to have a stranger grope her leg will find it awkward. And I'm always uncomfortable watching a guy but his mouth all over his wife's leg.

I know I am late to the party, but I hate when couples do this.  Let me share with everyone the most horrid example of the garter toss I have ever seen, and what has forever turned me against them at all times:

I was a guest at this wedding.  Bride and her WP made all the single ladies get up to catch the bouquet, which meant anyone who wasn't married and included under aged (teenaged) relatives.  I excused myself to the bar because I didn't consider myself single after dating FI for 3+ years at that point.

One of the teenaged girls caught the bouquet, she was about 15 or 16.  You can see where this is going.

Then came the garter retrieval and toss.  Groom was a total drunken ass about it, crawled up the bride's dress to his shoulders and pulled the garter out with his teeth.  I wanted to puke.  I don't expect to attend a wedding and see a reenactment of oral sex on the dance floor. . . that's how the whole thing looked.  Classless.

The man who caught the garter was about 25-30 years old, and just as drunk and nasty as the groom.  The B&G made the teenaged girl come back out on the dance floor, sit in the chair, and had the dirty 30 year old guy put the garter on her leg.  She wanted no part of it and tried to get out of it, but the bride dragged her to the chair. . . and the drunken ass guy totally felt her up when he put the garter on her leg.  As in he touched her hoo-hah and we all saw it.

The poor girl ran crying off the dance floor and she and her family got into it with this douchetard.  FI and I left at that point, along with several other groups of ppl. . . we were all disgusted.

Don't let your FI pull your garter off with his teeth, and please don't let whoever catches it put it on anyone!

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

BangBangs39

LeSwan85 said:

Yeah... this sh*t is why I don't like the idea of basically forcing some poor woman to let some drunken a-hole feel her up. Do the bouquet and garter toss if you want, but if you are going to force people to allow others to feel them up, you need to make DAMN sure everyone is well aware that this is what's going to go down. I know if you're in a laid back group it can be hard to imagine breaching anyone's comfort level and if it feels like you've talked to everyone about this idea and they seem cool with it, that may make you think everyone is well aware of what's going on. But. BUT. Trust me, no one gives a crap about the details of your wedding as much as you and the few folks you may have helping you with the planning. Everyone else you've told details to has likely said, "that's nice. I'm happy for you" and promptly forgotten about what you just said. No one is going to remember that you are going to force someone to get felt up. At the very least, please give the DJ or MC a script to tell people exactly what's going down with these tosses. You may think that by coming out to catch the bouquet, women are consenting to having some as yet to be determined guy put lingerie on them, but you need to make it very explicit, if nothing else, in an attempt to avoid stories like the above. Jesus Jones, I didn't even realize this was a thing.

I would never let anything like that happen, ever and neither would my FI - if we saw something like that beginning we would nip it in the ass right away... there is only one "little girl" on the guest list and she is too little to even think about trying to catch the bouquet... the rest are all 19-28 and the men are all right around the same age with a few in the 17 range... no creepy uncle bucks that like to get trashed and feel up people.  Plus we've told the DJ to let them know just to the bottom of the knee so if someone starts going for Vag then they're wayyyy off base.  

manateehugger

BangBangs39 said:

LeSwan85 said:

Yeah... this sh*t is why I don't like the idea of basically forcing some poor woman to let some drunken a-hole feel her up. Do the bouquet and garter toss if you want, but if you are going to force people to allow others to feel them up, you need to make DAMN sure everyone is well aware that this is what's going to go down. I know if you're in a laid back group it can be hard to imagine breaching anyone's comfort level and if it feels like you've talked to everyone about this idea and they seem cool with it, that may make you think everyone is well aware of what's going on. But. BUT. Trust me, no one gives a crap about the details of your wedding as much as you and the few folks you may have helping you with the planning. Everyone else you've told details to has likely said, "that's nice. I'm happy for you" and promptly forgotten about what you just said. No one is going to remember that you are going to force someone to get felt up. At the very least, please give the DJ or MC a script to tell people exactly what's going down with these tosses. You may think that by coming out to catch the bouquet, women are consenting to having some as yet to be determined guy put lingerie on them, but you need to make it very explicit, if nothing else, in an attempt to avoid stories like the above. Jesus Jones, I didn't even realize this was a thing.

I would never let anything like that happen, ever and neither would my FI - if we saw something like that beginning we would nip it in the ass right away... there is only one "little girl" on the guest list and she is too little to even think about trying to catch the bouquet... the rest are all 19-28 and the men are all right around the same age with a few in the 17 range... no creepy uncle bucks that like to get trashed and feel up people.  Plus we've told the DJ to let them know just to the bottom of the knee so if someone starts going for Vag then they're wayyyy off base.  


You're still allowing the possibility by forcing people to put used lingere on each other.

BangBangs39

PDKH said:  You're still allowing the possibility by forcing people to put used lingere on each other.

Possibility of what?  And I'm not forcing anyone to do anything, if they don't want to participate they don't have to... its called personal responsibility.

Peledreamsofrain

Post removed due to GBCK

Salsera29

News flash: I was the lucky girl who caught the bouquet at a friend's wedding. I did not know the guy who caught the garter and was putting it up my thigh. It was the most mortifying moment of my life and I never spoke a word about it to the bride. It's ridiculously presumptuous to assume you know how all your friends would feel about this. They may just be "yessing" you because it's your wedding and they want you to be happy. So in turn, you potentially humiliate them. Way to be a good friend. 

PrettyGirlLost

BangBangs39 said:

PDKH said:  You're still allowing the possibility by forcing people to put used lingere on each other.

Possibility of what?  And I'm not forcing anyone to do anything, if they don't want to participate they don't have to... its called personal responsibility.

Yeah that worked out really well for the poor girl in my story whose own family, Bride included, guilted her into participating. . . .

No one knew she was going to get felt up, but by that time it was too late.  It was inappropriate in the 1st place to have that damn guy put the garter on her leg!

PrettyGirlLost

LeSwan85 said:

Yeah... this sh*t is why I don't like the idea of basically forcing some poor woman to let some drunken a-hole feel her up. Do the bouquet and garter toss if you want, but if you are going to force people to allow others to feel them up, you need to make DAMN sure everyone is well aware that this is what's going to go down. I know if you're in a laid back group it can be hard to imagine breaching anyone's comfort level and if it feels like you've talked to everyone about this idea and they seem cool with it, that may make you think everyone is well aware of what's going on. But. BUT. Trust me, no one gives a crap about the details of your wedding as much as you and the few folks you may have helping you with the planning. Everyone else you've told details to has likely said, "that's nice. I'm happy for you" and promptly forgotten about what you just said. No one is going to remember that you are going to force someone to get felt up. At the very least, please give the DJ or MC a script to tell people exactly what's going down with these tosses. You may think that by coming out to catch the bouquet, women are consenting to having some as yet to be determined guy put lingerie on them, but you need to make it very explicit, if nothing else, in an attempt to avoid stories like the above. Jesus Jones, I didn't even realize this was a thing.

How about the Bride and Groom take up the mic and announce in explicit detail what they want their guests to do in front of everyone?  They are the hosts and the tosses are their idea, right?

Better yet, do the garter toss 1st, and then after seeing the guy who catches the damn thing all the single female guests who would otherwise be goaded into the bouquet toss can decide if they want to participate.

manateehugger

BangBangs39 said:

PDKH said:  You're still allowing the possibility by forcing people to put used lingere on each other.

Possibility of what?  And I'm not forcing anyone to do anything, if they don't want to participate they don't have to... its called personal responsibility.

Right because no one EVER pressures people to participate or physically drag people out onto the floor during the tosses.

And yeah, it's totally that girl's personal responsibility that gave the drunk creep permission to touch her inappropriately. It's totally her fault that what she thought might be relatively quick and painless ended up with her being virtually assaulted. That's an absolutely disgusting thought.

Why would you even want the remote possibility of someone being humiliated or sexually harassed at your wedding? Why can't you just do the toss, watch someone catch it, cheer, and leave it at that?

Edited for typo.

AddieCake

BangBangs39 said:

all 19-28 and the men are all right around the same age with a few in the 17 range... no creepy uncle bucks that like to get trashed and feel up people.  Plus we've told the DJ to let them know just to the bottom of the knee so if someone starts going for Vag then they're wayyyy off base.  

A lot of the men I know in that age range act differently when they've had a few drinks in them, especially when they are around people they usually act a little raunchy with. And since your group is always so tight knit and talks about sex and jokes about sex and acts like it's no big deal......anything could happen. I just don't get the point of putting it on someone. Why can't someone just catch the damn thing and be done with it?

manateehugger

Not to mention...the vast majority of sexual harassment/assaults take place between people who know each other. So your whole "we all know everyone so it won't happen" thing is total bullshit.

BangBangs39

Peledreamsofrain said:

Ahahah! Yes, yes it's your guests' fault that you put them in the awkward and uncomfortable position of letting some drunk asshole stare up their skirt and trust he wont sexually assault her. Yes, if only she wasn't wearing such a short skirt, she was aking for it, the hussy. Personal reaponsibility you know. Nevermind that society puts immense pressure on people in group situations, and to please the bride and groom. It's the victim's fault! That's disgusting. I can't even talk to you anymore.

@PDKH & @Peledreamsofrain

As stated, I've talked to the guests, and we've told the DJ the scoop and what to announce.  I or my FI have talked to EVERY guest... if they Yes'd us (which I don't think they did because as I've stated if you can't have the balls the say what you mean then its your own fault if you feel awkward during the garter, and my friends and family don't exactly just say yes, if you only knew the extent) then they don't have to participate... if they get up on their own and participate, How the F is that my fault?  I have never pressured anyone into doing anything, and we're not 15 years old, if you can't stand up for yourself and say NO then sorry but its your own fault.  Also - why is it assumed that the male participant will be drunk and sexually assaulting someone... maybe the female participant will be trashed an trying to make it more sexual than necessary and make the male participant uncomfortable... bottom line is, it was a tradition started to bring laughter to the occasion... just because you over-sexualize it in your mind, doesn't mean it is that sexual or that every other person out there will do the same.  Also, if you don't want someone to look up your dress, shut your GD legs.

BangBangs39

PDKH said:

Not to mention...the vast majority of sexual harassment/assaults take place between people who know each other. So your whole "we all know everyone so it won't happen" thing is total bullshit.

Please provide back-up for your statistics specifically mentioning the age range given previously.

AllieBear725

I think we are done here. She isn't going to have a break through. I do feel badly for the guests at your wedding. I don't believe you have spoken with all of them, even though you says you have. 

AddieCake

I will just never buy that you have spoken on this topic to every guest.  "Hey, Aunt Linda, how was your pilates class? Yeah? That's cool. Glad you enjoy that.  Oh, by the way, what's your opinion on JimBob pulling my garter off with his teeth and also whoever catches it putting it on the bouquet-catcher?" 

PrettyGirlLost

BangBangs39 said:

Peledreamsofrain said:

Ahahah! Yes, yes it's your guests' fault that you put them in the awkward and uncomfortable position of letting some drunk asshole stare up their skirt and trust he wont sexually assault her. Yes, if only she wasn't wearing such a short skirt, she was aking for it, the hussy. Personal reaponsibility you know. Nevermind that society puts immense pressure on people in group situations, and to please the bride and groom. It's the victim's fault! That's disgusting. I can't even talk to you anymore.

@PDKH & @Peledreamsofrain

As stated, I've talked to the guests, and we've told the DJ the scoop and what to announce.  I or my FI have talked to EVERY guest... if they Yes'd us (which I don't think they did because as I've stated if you can't have the balls the say what you mean then its your own fault if you feel awkward during the garter, and my friends and family don't exactly just say yes, if you only knew the extent) then they don't have to participate... if they get up on their own and participate, How the F is that my fault?  I have never pressured anyone into doing anything, and we're not 15 years old, if you can't stand up for yourself and say NO then sorry but its your own fault.  Also - why is it assumed that the male participant will be drunk and sexually assaulting someone... maybe the female participant will be trashed an trying to make it more sexual than necessary and make the male participant uncomfortable... bottom line is, it was a tradition started to bring laughter to the occasion... just because you over-sexualize it in your mind, doesn't mean it is that sexual or that every other person out there will do the same.  Also, if you don't want someone to look up your dress, shut your GD legs.

Woah Meghan, so much fail right here!

I have never needed to over-sexualize (sic) anything in my mind, because the Bride and Groom do it for me, right before my very eyes!  The whole garter retrieval is by it's very nature one big sexual innuendo before the groom even decides to pull the thing of the Bride's thigh with his freaking teeth.

Shut my goddamn legs?  The fuck!  Ok hypothetically if I chose to participate in this circus, how about you (the guy) not being a fucking perv in the 1st place and try to look up my dress. . . or better yet, how about you exhibit some class and chivalry and decline to even try to put that cheap ass thing on my leg?!

We get it.  You are all young and fun and laid back.  I have a group of friends that I feel very comfortable with and we were all playful and raunchy at times too.  But everyone has boundaries, and make no mistake, if one of my guy friends even looked at The Line, never mind actually tried crossing it, I'd knock him on his ass right on the dance floor.

manateehugger

ETA: in case you don't want to read, it's estimated between 70-97% of sexual assaults occurs between relatives, friends, or acquaintances. 80% of assault victims are age 30 or younger. As someone who counseled sexual assault survivors in college, your lack of knowledge and sensitivity toward sexual assault in this country horrifies me and ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTS ME.


http://www.rainn.org/statistics

http://www.hawaii.edu/hivandaids/Similarities_And_Differences_In_Women_s_Sexual_Assault_Experiences_Based_On_Tactics.pdf

http://www.fbi.gov/about-us/cjis/ucr/crime-in-the-u.s/2011/crime-in-the-u.s.-2011/violent-crime/forcible-rape

http://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=tp&tid=317

MuppetFan

BangBangs39 said:

CSkahan148 said:

Yes, I'm starting to think that it would be a little too awkward for me. But he wants to take it off me. So I'm thinking maybe I'll keep it on for the entire time and either let him take it off when we have to change to head to the airport or for the formal dinner night on the honeymoon cruise I'll try to have a dress long enough to have one on haha

If you find it awkward then you shouldn't do it because by you being awkward you'll make other people feel that way.  I personally don't think its awkward, my FI will take it off with his teeth and the catcher will put it on the lucky lady who catches the bouquet... I know that our group of friends and our families are very playful and will laugh the whole time.  If my family/friends were more uptight I'd reconsider.

This is a trashy, low-class adder to a wedding. I doubt your family is laid back enough for activity that should be saved for the bedroom or a strip joint.