Our anniversary is this Halloween and it will be 4 years since we our first kiss and when we first started going out. Since then we have been inseparable and have gone through our own ups and downs. We spent our 1 year anniversary away from each other, because he was in basic training for the United States Air Force. In our letters we both talked about getting married (soon) and what our wedding was going to be like. As time progressed and we had more communication we continued to talk about getting engaged and then married within the next year. However, when he came home he decided to give me a promise ring, instead of the engagement ring he led onto. He then left for Texas for several more months until he finally returned home and was stationed at a base near where he already lived. Once he came home we moved in together. We first got an apartment (for one year), we then moved into my parents basement to save money for a house. Last month we just bought our first house together, both of our incomes and savings accounts were used to pay for the home and are used to pay all the bills for our home. We look at things like we are already 'married', we go over each others bank accounts together, I manage all of our bills and make any appointments necessary for either of us. Our families even think of us as 'married' sometimes and talk to us about having kids soon, and saying things like "oh, Kay, the bassinet is in my closet when you need it" (which I love; I have baby fever). Everything is PERFECT... except we are not engaged yet!
He has been getting pressure from his family, my family, our friends, and myself to finally 'pop the question'!!!
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can encourage him to 'pop the question'. I know that this shouldn't be the case, and I don't want to force him to marry me. BUT he loves to talk about our FUTURE kids, and plans for the next 10 years. He has suggested going down to the courthouse multiple times to get married but I declined (knowing both of our families would be in an uproar if everyone was not included).
What do i do?
Re: Getting him to 'pop the question'...
There's no way to get him to "pop the question". Sit down, like adults, and discuss your future goals. Just say "hey, we've been doing the whole living thing together, what's the plan for the next year, 5 years, 10 years, etc"
You're 100% right you don't want to force it on him, it'll be a lot of regret later.
Also pump your brakes on the baby fever, that can be a turn-off for some guys.
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Good.to.go.
I want to reiterate that, while you are young, no one is saying that it's not going to work. There just is no reason to push this through and get married ASAP. At this point, I think a good honest conversation about your future together is plenty to get you started.
When I was 21 I thought I was going to marry my boyfriend at the time and I'm not with him now, so there's that. Also using the military as a reason that you have to get married right this instant isn't going to sit well with a lot of people. I appreciate what your BF does serving our country, but I know plenty of AD military that have GF's and BF's and are not in a huge rush to get married.
Your relationship is not a race, it's a marathon. Don't compare your relationship with your friends who are married and having kids, that's not going to sit well either.
Relationships aren't a race. You can't compare yours to others. Just because your friends are getting married and having babies doesn't mean you should be. You need to focus on where your relationship is. I think you need to have a conversation with your BF to make sure you are both on the same page. He might not want to propose right now and you shouldn't push it on him or you just might lose him.
ETA: If you were having successful and meaningful conversations about why you aren't engaged/married you wouldn't be asking the question you asked in your OP.
Ask him where he'd like to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. LISTEN to what he says. Then tell him where you would like to be and have a dialogue.
Bring up the fact that he's mentioned going to the courthouse and ask if that's REALLY what he wants to do. LISTEN to him. Discuss what you would want for you wedding. Get on the same page.
And, advice I would recommend to all young brides:
1) Make sure that you are getting married for the right reasons (ie. because you truly want to spend the REST of your lives together...and not just because engagement feels like the next step of a relationship, or because it makes army relationships easier.)
2) Safeguard your relationship with premarital counseling, and lots of it. Make sure you are on the same page when it comes to children, managing finances, in-laws (and how much time you spend with them, and when), sex, religion, and how to face enormous obstacles/tragedies.
3) Acknowledge that you are young, but do not apologize about it and do not ask people's permission to enjoy this stage of your life. Maturity is something that is sensed...it does not have to be explained.
but what is right for them isn't right for me. so H and I just enjoy loving on our friends' kids, taking our small cousins trick-or-treating and out to play/have sleepovers, and share dreams for our future family. when it happens, it will be the RIGHT time. you can't rush a good thing.
and you know, H and I dated once before. I tried to push things a bit and everything exploded in our faces. we broke up. it wasn't the right time. he wasn't ready, but that DIDN'T mean that he wasn't the one I would marry. it just meant that it wasn't going to happen right now.
I know you're impatient. try to take a big breath, and just let it BE. he loves you and is committed to you. it will happen when it is the right time. don't compare yourself and your relationship with your friends... it's only going to frustrate you! part of maturing is learning to be content with where you are in life, while still working towards your dreams and ambitions.
or what about the idea of having the ceremony at the courthouse (with family in attendance) and a friends&family reception that evening to celebrate?
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