Getting him to 'pop the question'...

kaycal92

Our anniversary is this Halloween and it will be 4 years since we our first kiss and when we first started going out. Since then we have been inseparable and have gone through our own ups and downs. We spent our 1 year anniversary away from each other, because he was in basic training for the United States Air Force. In our letters we both talked about getting married (soon) and what our wedding was going to be like. As time progressed and we had more communication we continued to talk about getting engaged and then married within the next year. However, when he came home he decided to give me a promise ring, instead of the engagement ring he led onto. He then left for Texas for several more months until he finally returned home and was stationed at a base near where he already lived. Once he came home we moved in together. We first got an apartment (for one year), we then moved into my parents basement to save money for a house. Last month we just bought our first house together, both of our incomes and savings accounts were used to pay for the home and are used to pay all the bills for our home. We look at things like we are already 'married', we go over each others bank accounts together, I manage all of our bills and make any appointments necessary for either of us. Our families even think of us as 'married' sometimes and talk to us about having kids soon, and saying things like "oh, Kay, the bassinet is in my closet when you need it" (which I love; I have baby fever). Everything is PERFECT... except we are not engaged yet!

He has been getting pressure from his family, my family, our friends, and myself to finally 'pop the question'!!!

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can encourage him to 'pop the question'. I know that this shouldn't be the case, and I don't want to force him to marry me. BUT he loves to talk about our FUTURE kids, and plans for the next 10 years. He has suggested going down to the courthouse multiple times to get married but I declined (knowing both of our families would be in an uproar if everyone was not included).

What do i do?

[Deleted User]

when he suggests to go down to the courthouse to get married, it leads me to believe he doesn't want a big, fancy wedding.  have you talked about your expectations for a wedding?

buddysmom80

kaycal92 said:

Our anniversary is this Halloween and it will be 4 years since we our first kiss and when we first started going out. Since then we have been inseparable and have gone through our own ups and downs. We spent our 1 year anniversary away from each other, because he was in basic training for the United States Air Force. In our letters we both talked about getting married (soon) and what our wedding was going to be like. As time progressed and we had more communication we continued to talk about getting engaged and then married within the next year. However, when he came home he decided to give me a promise ring, instead of the engagement ring he led onto. He then left for Texas for several more months until he finally returned home and was stationed at a base near where he already lived. Once he came home we moved in together. We first got an apartment (for one year), we then moved into my parents basement to save money for a house. Last month we just bought our first house together, both of our incomes and savings accounts were used to pay for the home and are used to pay all the bills for our home. We look at things like we are already 'married', we go over each others bank accounts together, I manage all of our bills and make any appointments necessary for either of us. Our families even think of us as 'married' sometimes and talk to us about having kids soon, and saying things like "oh, Kay, the bassinet is in my closet when you need it" (which I love; I have baby fever). Everything is PERFECT... except we are not engaged yet!

He has been getting pressure from his family, my family, our friends, and myself to finally 'pop the question'!!!

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can encourage him to 'pop the question'. I know that this shouldn't be the case, and I don't want to force him to marry me. BUT he loves to talk about our FUTURE kids, and plans for the next 10 years. He has suggested going down to the courthouse multiple times to get married but I declined (knowing both of our families would be in an uproar if everyone was not included).

What do i do?

There's no way to get him to "pop the question". Sit down, like adults, and discuss your future goals. Just say "hey, we've been doing the whole living thing together, what's the plan for the next year, 5 years, 10 years, etc"

You're 100% right you don't want to force it on him, it'll be a lot of regret later.

Also pump your brakes on the baby fever, that can be a turn-off for some guys.

How old are you? What is your favorite alcoholic drink? Tell us more about yourself.

cu97tiger

kaycal92 said:

Our anniversary is this Halloween and it will be 4 years since we our first kiss and when we first started going out. Since then we have been inseparable and have gone through our own ups and downs. We spent our 1 year anniversary away from each other, because he was in basic training for the United States Air Force. In our letters we both talked about getting married (soon) and what our wedding was going to be like. As time progressed and we had more communication we continued to talk about getting engaged and then married within the next year. However, when he came home he decided to give me a promise ring, instead of the engagement ring he led onto. He then left for Texas for several more months until he finally returned home and was stationed at a base near where he already lived. Once he came home we moved in together. We first got an apartment (for one year), we then moved into my parents basement to save money for a house. Last month we just bought our first house together, both of our incomes and savings accounts were used to pay for the home and are used to pay all the bills for our home. We look at things like we are already 'married', we go over each others bank accounts together, I manage all of our bills and make any appointments necessary for either of us. Our families even think of us as 'married' sometimes and talk to us about having kids soon, and saying things like "oh, Kay, the bassinet is in my closet when you need it" (which I love; I have baby fever). Everything is PERFECT... except we are not engaged yet!

He has been getting pressure from his family, my family, our friends, and myself to finally 'pop the question'!!!

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can encourage him to 'pop the question'. I know that this shouldn't be the case, and I don't want to force him to marry me. BUT he loves to talk about our FUTURE kids, and plans for the next 10 years. He has suggested going down to the courthouse multiple times to get married but I declined (knowing both of our families would be in an uproar if everyone was not included).

What do i do?

You don't encourage someone into 'popping the question.' You have an adult discussion about what might be holding him back. You discuss realistic timelines (both yours AND his).

Also, you should probably discuss this courthouse idea with him a little more. Maybe he's worried about what the engagement period is going to be like if he already has two families and you jumping down his throat before he has even proposed. 

CLoGreenEyes

You can't "encourage" him to pop the question. You need to have a grown-up conversation and ask him when he would like to be married. You can also talk in some general terms about what you would like for your wedding (big vs. small, etc.) So you're on the same page about what you both want and how to afford it. But the bottom line is that you won't get the answer you need without actually taking to him.

Swazzle

You sit down and have a conversation with him. You tell him how you feel about your future together and ask for his views and opinions. Work up a timeline together. Nagging him will not make it happen any faster. Or maybe it will, but if he's not actually ready, he might resent you for it which is no good for anyone involved. 

kaycal92

CocoBellaF He knows I don't want a big fancy wedding that costs a crazy amount of money. Its not who I am or how our relationship is. He knows that I want strictly family and close friends, and a ceremony and reception that truly represents who we are as a couple.

loves2shop4shoes

How old are you?

kaycal92

buddysmom80

I hate telling people my age because they look and say that I am way too young! I am only 21 years old, but we have been through more than many couples that may be older and are getting married. Not only this but we are in a 'military' relationship, which sometimes complicates things when you are not married but still has a significant other.

However neither of us are big on alcholoic drinks, even if we are 21. We both have full time jobs and going to school full time. I graduate with a bachelors in computer science at the end of December tho. We go hunting, shooting, work on cars or motorcycles, and spend time with our families. 

Most of our friends that we often talk to are maybe a year older then us, or the same age, and are married and have started having kids (my best friend just had a beautiful baby girl in march - hence the baby fever).

Sakalicious

http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2006/07/engagement-chicken

Good.to.go.

[Deleted User]

have you had any discussions recently about your expectations for getting married, starting a family, etc.?  he might have some hesitations - maybe he'd like for you to graduate first, have a certain amount of money saved, who knows!

Swazzle

buddysmom80

I hate telling people my age because they look and say that I am way too young! I am only 21 years old, but we have been through more than many couples that may be older and are getting married. Not only this but we are in a 'military' relationship, which sometimes complicates things when you are not married but still has a significant other.

However neither of us are big on alcholoic drinks, even if we are 21. We both have full time jobs and going to school full time. I graduate with a bachelors in computer science at the end of December tho. We go hunting, shooting, work on cars or motorcycles, and spend time with our families. 

Most of our friends that we often talk to are maybe a year older then us, or the same age, and are married and have started having kids (my best friend just had a beautiful baby girl in march - hence the baby fever).

Sounds like you have a case of SSS (Speshul Snowflake Syndrome).

CLoGreenEyes

At age 21, there is really no need to rush. I understand being excited about your future together, but that doesn't mean you need to push for an engagement rightthissecond. Get through school, enjoy your hobbies, and just do life together! And definitely talk to him about a timeline, but don't expect his to be totally matched with yours.

I want to reiterate that, while you are young, no one is saying that it's not going to work. There just is no reason to push this through and get married ASAP. At this point, I think a good honest conversation about your future together is plenty to get you started.

buddysmom80

kaycal92 said:

buddysmom80

I hate telling people my age because they look and say that I am way too young! I am only 21 years old, but we have been through more than many couples that may be older and are getting married. Not only this but we are in a 'military' relationship, which sometimes complicates things when you are not married but still has a significant other.

However neither of us are big on alcholoic drinks, even if we are 21. We both have full time jobs and going to school full time. I graduate with a bachelors in computer science at the end of December tho. We go hunting, shooting, work on cars or motorcycles, and spend time with our families. 

Most of our friends that we often talk to are maybe a year older then us, or the same age, and are married and have started having kids (my best friend just had a beautiful baby girl in march - hence the baby fever).

When I was 21 I thought I was going to marry my boyfriend at the time and I'm not with him now, so there's that. Also using the military as a reason that you have to get married right this instant isn't going to sit well with a lot of people. I appreciate what your BF does serving our country, but I know plenty of AD military that have GF's and BF's and are not in a huge rush to get married.

Your relationship is not a race, it's a marathon. Don't compare your relationship with your friends who are married and having kids, that's not going to sit well either.

kaycal92

We talk about why we are not engaged or married yet quite often (it is a grown-up conversation every time). I have not needed to talk to him about getting engaged due to his families recent input. We sit down and talk about our future at least once a week and have a successful relationship.

Sakalicious I cook dinner for him every night, mostly pasta due to our Italian background. I also bake on the side and make cakes, cupcakes, and delicious treats for parties.

bethsmiles

I'm young too (I'm 23). My BF and I have been together for 5 years. We've been talking about getting married and future plans for about 4 years now. Just because we knew we want to get married doesn't mean both of us were ready to get married. There are a lot of things besides just the fact that we love each other to consider before getting married.

Relationships aren't a race. You can't compare yours to others. Just because your friends are getting married and having babies doesn't mean you should be. You need to focus on where your relationship is. I think you need to have a conversation with your BF to make sure you are both on the same page. He might not want to propose right now and you shouldn't push it on him or you just might lose him.

ETA: If you were having successful and meaningful conversations about why you aren't engaged/married you wouldn't be asking the question you asked in your OP.

loves2shop4shoes

Well, if you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to have an adult conversation with your BF about relationship progression and timelines.

Ask him where he'd like to be in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years.  LISTEN to what he says.  Then tell him where you would like to be and have a dialogue.

Bring up the fact that he's mentioned going to the courthouse and ask if that's REALLY what he wants to do.  LISTEN to him.  Discuss what you would want for you wedding.  Get on the same page.

And, advice I would recommend to all young brides:

1)  Make sure that you are getting married for the right reasons (ie. because you truly want to spend the REST of your lives together...and not just because engagement feels like the next step of a relationship, or because it makes army relationships easier.)

2)  Safeguard your relationship with premarital counseling, and lots of it.  Make sure you are on the same page when it comes to children, managing finances, in-laws (and how much time you spend with them, and when), sex, religion, and how to face enormous obstacles/tragedies.

3)  Acknowledge that you are young, but do not apologize about it and do not ask people's permission to enjoy this stage of your life.  Maturity is something that is sensed...it does not have to be explained.

Swazzle

kaycal92 said:

We talk about why we are not engaged or married yet quite often (it is a grown-up conversation every time). I have not needed to talk to him about getting engaged due to his families recent input. We sit down and talk about our future at least once a week and have a successful relationship.

Sakalicious I cook dinner for him every night, mostly pasta due to our Italian background. I also bake on the side and make cakes, cupcakes, and delicious treats for parties.

What is his response to this?

CLoGreenEyes

Do you mind sharing what he says when you have these conversations about why you're not engaged yet?

Sakalicious

kaycal92 said:

We talk about why we are not engaged or married yet quite often (it is a grown-up conversation every time). I have not needed to talk to him about getting engaged due to his families recent input. We sit down and talk about our future at least once a week and have a successful relationship.

Sakalicious I cook dinner for him every night, mostly pasta due to our Italian background. I also bake on the side and make cakes, cupcakes, and delicious treats for parties.

Ooh, ya didn't pick up on the sarcasm font.  The point is, there isn't a way to "get him" to do anything.  Like everyone else has said, you need to have an adult conversation.

Hummingbird125

Sakalicious said:

http://www.glamour.com/magazine/2006/07/engagement-chicken

Good.to.go.

Shoot. I haven't made this yet - that must be what I've been doing wrong. At least I know what's for dinner tonight now!

loves2shop4shoes

   

[Deleted User]

I know it can be difficult not to compare your relationship to others'.  H and I are one of the only two couples in our group of friends who haven't started a family.  the other couple has no plans to have kids.  H and I both want a child (actually, more like 5 or 6!) but it's just not the right TIME.  we have student loans to pay off first, because we'll need that cash flow available when we have children.  it's so VERY difficult to hold everyone else's babies, or to see some of my friends having their second child!

but what is right for them isn't right for me.  so H and I just enjoy loving on our friends' kids, taking our small cousins trick-or-treating and out to play/have sleepovers, and share dreams for our future family.  when it happens, it will be the RIGHT time.  you can't rush a good thing.

and you know, H and I dated once before.  I tried to push things a bit and everything exploded in our faces.  we broke up.  it wasn't the right time.  he wasn't ready, but that DIDN'T mean that he wasn't the one I would marry.  it just meant that it wasn't going to happen right now.

I know you're impatient.  try to take a big breath, and just let it BE.  he loves you and is committed to you.  it will happen when it is the right time.  don't compare yourself and your relationship with your friends...  it's only going to frustrate you!  part of maturing is learning to be content with where you are in life, while still working towards your dreams and ambitions.

kaycal92

Our adult conversations consist of: marriage, how many children we want, and where our next house is gonna be, and what car he wants to fix up next together. 

However any time a wedding or engagement is brought up he simply resists the conversation because of the costs. He will look at rings online and continue to joke with me that "its not worth it if there isn't a motor in it". The same goes for the wedding. He has far better things that he would rather pay for instead of a wedding. When it comes down to it, money is what matters to him. 

But I think what bugs me the most is the fact that we have bought a HOUSE together, a giant financial risk and commitment from both of us. And yet there is no re-assurance that a engagement will come soon.

Many of the kids each of us graduated is not in our position and I am not comparing my relationship to those of others, young or old, each relationship is unique and special in its own way. And I do feel as though I am entitled to an engagement because of the obstacles that we have overcome together, we do everything for each other, and work just to make each other happy. 

GoldenPenguin

kaycal92 said:

Our anniversary is this Halloween and it will be 4 years since we our first kiss and when we first started going out. Since then we have been inseparable and have gone through our own ups and downs. We spent our 1 year anniversary away from each other, because he was in basic training for the United States Air Force. In our letters we both talked about getting married (soon) and what our wedding was going to be like. As time progressed and we had more communication we continued to talk about getting engaged and then married within the next year. However, when he came home he decided to give me a promise ring, instead of the engagement ring he led onto. He then left for Texas for several more months until he finally returned home and was stationed at a base near where he already lived. Once he came home we moved in together. We first got an apartment (for one year), we then moved into my parents basement to save money for a house. Last month we just bought our first house together, both of our incomes and savings accounts were used to pay for the home and are used to pay all the bills for our home. We look at things like we are already 'married', we go over each others bank accounts together, I manage all of our bills and make any appointments necessary for either of us. Our families even think of us as 'married' sometimes and talk to us about having kids soon, and saying things like "oh, Kay, the bassinet is in my closet when you need it" (which I love; I have baby fever). Everything is PERFECT... except we are not engaged yet!

He has been getting pressure from his family, my family, our friends, and myself to finally 'pop the question'!!!

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can encourage him to 'pop the question'. I know that this shouldn't be the case, and I don't want to force him to marry me. BUT he loves to talk about our FUTURE kids, and plans for the next 10 years. He has suggested going down to the courthouse multiple times to get married but I declined (knowing both of our families would be in an uproar if everyone was not included).

What do i do?

I knew she was a youngin' just from this sentence. 

[Deleted User]

kaycal92 said:

Our adult conversations consist of: marriage, how many children we want, and where our next house is gonna be, and what car he wants to fix up next together. 

However any time a wedding or engagement is brought up he simply resists the conversation because of the costs. He will look at rings online and continue to joke with me that "its not worth it if there isn't a motor in it". The same goes for the wedding. He has far better things that he would rather pay for instead of a wedding. When it comes down to it, money is what matters to him. 

But I think what bugs me the most is the fact that we have bought a HOUSE together, a giant financial risk and commitment from both of us. And yet there is no re-assurance that a engagement will come soon.

Many of the kids each of us graduated is not in our position and I am not comparing my relationship to those of others, young or old, each relationship is unique and special in its own way. And I do feel as though I am entitled to an engagement because of the obstacles that we have overcome together, we do everything for each other, and work just to make each other happy. 

it sounds like he has a different perspective of the value of money than you do.  have you all talked about a budget, or setting up a savings fund to put money in (that you could use towards a small wedding/reception, and a ring?) 

or what about the idea of having the ceremony at the courthouse (with family in attendance) and a friends&family reception that evening to celebrate? 

buddysmom80

Our adult conversations consist of: marriage, how many children we want, and where our next house is gonna be, and what car he wants to fix up next together. 

However any time a wedding or engagement is brought up he simply resists the conversation because of the costs. He will look at rings online and continue to joke with me that "its not worth it if there isn't a motor in it". The same goes for the wedding. He has far better things that he would rather pay for instead of a wedding. When it comes down to it, money is what matters to him. 

But I think what bugs me the most is the fact that we have bought a HOUSE together, a giant financial risk and commitment from both of us. And yet there is no re-assurance that a engagement will come soon.

Many of the kids each of us graduated is not in our position and I am not comparing my relationship to those of others, young or old, each relationship is unique and special in its own way. And I do feel as though I am entitled to an engagement because of the obstacles that we have overcome together, we do everything for each other, and work just to make each other happy. 

---------------------------------------------------

YOU took the risk of buying a house together. I bought my first house last year, and in no way was my BF involved in any process of it because 1) if we break up, it would be a mess and 2) when we buy our next home, BF would be considered a first-time homebuyer which is a benefit for FHA approved mortgages. But long story short I wanted my ass covered. If you think you made a mistake, then call a lawyer ASAP to get your name off the mortgage and deed.

Second, NO ONE IS ENTITLED to an engagement because of what you went through. If your BF isn't ready to get married because of costs and him investing in fixing up cars instead of saving for an engagement ring, wedding, whatever, then you guys need to talk that out. Case in point, the beginning of this year, BF told me he spend $2500 on Xbox shit the prior year, realized how stupid that was and started saving money for other things, like shit for the house, vacations and an engagement ring. Because guess what? First it'll be the engagement ring, then you'll badger him into that, then he'll bitch about the price of weddings (which it looks like he is) then guess what? He'll complain that it's expensive to have kids.

Seriously, you two need to talk it out, like Shoes said, get premarital counseling too, it helps.

CASK85

Isn't this the part where we usually start suggesting the engagement chicken followed by anal?

Now I'm not hungry. 

KeptInStitches

Well, I have other ways to get him to pop the question, but I think they're against TOS now ...

In all seriousness, it's about sitting down and drawing up some general life goals. BF and I had this conversation again recently - we want to be married, own a house, and have a kid within 5 years. From there, we started drawing out a timeline for how things would have to progress to make that happen, and we're socking away extra money. It can't just stop at the conversation - action needs to be taken on both sides.

CLoGreenEyes

Well, my dear, as someone whose BF has a pretty similar attitude toward rings and things with motors , just make sure you're prepared for this sort of response to "frivolous" things throughout your life together. It's good that he's looking out for practical needs over wants, but just be aware that sometimes he might seem stingy where you want to splurge on something fun and meaningful. That is a difference that I still struggle with sometimes in my own relationship.

The next time y'all talk, I would point out that just because a ring or a wedding doesn't have a motor, doesn't mean it's not important. Just make sure he understands that, while you are willing to compromise on costs and such, ultimately it is important to you to have a ring and a wedding. Ask him what his ideal budget for those things looks like. Show him some rings you had in mind and ask how he feels about it. Work together to find a middle ground that you're both comfortable with. You shouldn't have to give up what you want out of your engagement/marriage, but neither should he. It's all about trying to make each other as happy as possible, while not sacrificing something major of yourself to make that happen.

KeptInStitches

Isn't this the part where we usually start suggesting the engagement chicken followed by anal?

Now I'm not hungry. 

Aww, does that mean blowjobs don't work?