Getting him to 'pop the question'...

kaycal92

CocoBellaF we have extremely different views on money and what to spend our money on. I have talked to him about budgets and I plan on having a cheap simple wedding with maybe 100 people to attend. We have talked about setting up a savings account for the wedding once we are engaged (we plan on having a 2 year engagement) and use only that account to pay for everything with no loans. 

And unfortunately his family would not allow a courthouse wedding, his family is from Italy and extremely catholic insisting that we are married in a church. 

CLoGreenEyes

kaycal92 said:

CocoBellaF we have extremely different views on money and what to spend our money on. I have talked to him about budgets and I plan on having a cheap simple wedding with maybe 100 people to attend. We have talked about setting up a savings account for the wedding once we are engaged (we plan on having a 2 year engagement) and use only that account to pay for everything with no loans. 

And unfortunately his family would not allow a courthouse wedding, his family is from Italy and extremely catholic insisting that we are married in a church. 

I would suggest relational counseling, just to get a handle on the finances before moving forward. Why allow something that can be worked out with a little discussion to get in the way?

The question is, would YOU allow a courthouse wedding? I understand that his family might be upset, but the decision is up to you both. Y'all need to make these choices together, and be able to stand up for yourselves even if your families don't always agree. It doesn't seem right to blame his family if YOU are the one who would rather have a bigger wedding. Nothing wrong with that, but own your opinions.

Swazzle

kaycal92 said:

Our adult conversations consist of: marriage, how many children we want, and where our next house is gonna be, and what car he wants to fix up next together. 

However any time a wedding or engagement is brought up he simply resists the conversation because of the costs. He will look at rings online and continue to joke with me that "its not worth it if there isn't a motor in it". The same goes for the wedding. He has far better things that he would rather pay for instead of a wedding. When it comes down to it, money is what matters to him. 

But I think what bugs me the most is the fact that we have bought a HOUSE together, a giant financial risk and commitment from both of us. And yet there is no re-assurance that a engagement will come soon.

Many of the kids each of us graduated is not in our position and I am not comparing my relationship to those of others, young or old, each relationship is unique and special in its own way. And I do feel as though I am entitled to an engagement because of the obstacles that we have overcome together, we do everything for each other, and work just to make each other happy. 

Further proof of OP having a case of SSS. 

Nobody is ENTITLED to an engagement no matter what you "have overcome together." 

buddysmom80

CocoBellaF we have extremely different views on money and what to spend our money on. I have talked to him about budgets and I plan on having a cheap simple wedding with maybe 100 people to attend. We have talked about setting up a savings account for the wedding once we are engaged (we plan on having a 2 year engagement) and use only that account to pay for everything with no loans. 

And unfortunately his family would not allow a courthouse wedding, his family is from Italy and extremely catholic insisting that we are married in a church. 

 

Okay you guys need to get on the same page with finances since you made the "adult" decision buying a house together. If you guys aren't on the same page with that, it's going to be a rocky road. Most marriages from what I've seen end because of lack of communication about 1) money and 2) sex.

GoldenPenguin

kaycal92

buddysmom80

I must clarify about money. We are both on the same page about our bills, how much is saved. But the extra money that each of us get every month from our paychecks is what ewe manage differently. I am extremely supportive of his goals, ambitions, and I even buy parts for him as surprise gifts for him. 

We each have full faith in our relationship and believe that we truly will be together forever and we will be able to make our relationship last. We do everything for one another and strive to make each other happy. 

buddysmom80

kaycal92 said:

buddysmom80

I must clarify about money. We are both on the same page about our bills, how much is saved. But the extra money that each of us get every month from our paychecks is what ewe manage differently. I am extremely supportive of his goals, ambitions, and I even buy parts for him as surprise gifts for him. 

We each have full faith in our relationship and believe that we truly will be together forever and we will be able to make our relationship last. We do everything for one another and strive to make each other happy. 

Okay so if you guys really believe you're going to be together forever, why did you ask how to get him to pop the question? Enjoy your relationship as it is, have fun and don't rush if you guys think you're going to be together 4-eva.

Am I the only one headdesking here?

Sakalicious

buddy, I have a dent in my forehead

buddysmom80

Sakalicious said:

buddy, I have a dent in my forehead

You and me both. Guess I should make that engagement chicken though...

KeptInStitches

I'm headdesking too. Engagement chicken scares me - never seems like it has enough instructions, and with half the effort I could make lemon pepper chicken breasts happen, which would go over better because then we wouldn't be carving a damn chicken.

kaycal92

@Amapola14 Thank you for your advice about how to talk to my BF about how to compare the price of a ring or a wedding vs parts for his truck. 

has been very hard for me to support his passions with his truck while most of his parts could have bought multiple engagement rings. He spent $5,000 alone on a lift kit & tires for a truck that is going to need a new motor by next year. I guess this is where most of the frustration comes from!

buddysmom80

@Amapola14 Thank you for your advice about how to talk to my BF about how to compare the price of a ring or a wedding vs parts for his truck. 

has been very hard for me to support his passions with his truck while most of his parts could have bought multiple engagement rings. He spent $5,000 alone on a lift kit & tires for a truck that is going to need a new motor by next year. I guess this is where most of the frustration comes from!

 

---------------------------------

Talk to him about it.

beanbot2002

Our adult conversations consist of: marriage, how many children we want, and where our next house is gonna be, and what car he wants to fix up next together. 

However any time a wedding or engagement is brought up he simply resists the conversation because of the costs. He will look at rings online and continue to joke with me that "its not worth it if there isn't a motor in it". The same goes for the wedding. He has far better things that he would rather pay for instead of a wedding. When it comes down to it, money is what matters to him. 

But I think what bugs me the most is the fact that we have bought a HOUSE together, a giant financial risk and commitment from both of us. And yet there is no re-assurance that a engagement will come soon.

Many of the kids each of us graduated is not in our position and I am not comparing my relationship to those of others, young or old, each relationship is unique and special in its own way. And I do feel as though I am entitled to an engagement because of the obstacles that we have overcome together, we do everything for each other, and work just to make each other happy. 

 

 

 

leia1979

TwoDimes said:

NO ONE IS ENTITLED TO AN ENGAGEMENT. EVER.

@TwoDimes, you just made my awesome list.

My head hurts way too much to deal with this, so just listen to everyone else, OP. Or don't, but you really should.

csousa1

kaycal92 said:

Our anniversary is this Halloween and it will be 4 years since we our first kiss and when we first started going out. Since then we have been inseparable and have gone through our own ups and downs. We spent our 1 year anniversary away from each other, because he was in basic training for the United States Air Force. In our letters we both talked about getting married (soon) and what our wedding was going to be like. As time progressed and we had more communication we continued to talk about getting engaged and then married within the next year. However, when he came home he decided to give me a promise ring, instead of the engagement ring he led onto. He then left for Texas for several more months until he finally returned home and was stationed at a base near where he already lived. Once he came home we moved in together. We first got an apartment (for one year), we then moved into my parents basement to save money for a house. Last month we just bought our first house together, both of our incomes and savings accounts were used to pay for the home and are used to pay all the bills for our home. We look at things like we are already 'married', we go over each others bank accounts together, I manage all of our bills and make any appointments necessary for either of us. Our families even think of us as 'married' sometimes and talk to us about having kids soon, and saying things like "oh, Kay, the bassinet is in my closet when you need it" (which I love; I have baby fever). Everything is PERFECT... except we are not engaged yet!

He has been getting pressure from his family, my family, our friends, and myself to finally 'pop the question'!!!

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can encourage him to 'pop the question'. I know that this shouldn't be the case, and I don't want to force him to marry me. BUT he loves to talk about our FUTURE kids, and plans for the next 10 years. He has suggested going down to the courthouse multiple times to get married but I declined (knowing both of our families would be in an uproar if everyone was not included).

What do i do?

Outta curiosity, if that was happening to you in regards to something you wanted but weren't 100% sure you were ready for, that no one had actually sat down and asked your opinion on in a mature way, how would it make you feel?

loves2shop4shoes

OP, a few things.

1)  You and your BF need to get on the same page about money.  No, I don't mean keeping the lights on and a roof over your head.  I mean, you need to discuss "extras".  Develop a budget.  How much does he get to spend on car parts?  How much do YOU get to spend on things for YOU?  How much are you allocating for dinners out, vacations, spa days, eyebrow waxes, etc. etc. etc.?

These are all things you should discuss.  If you're ready to be married, you're ready to look at the cold, hard, numbers of budgets and learn to compromise.

2)  If having a ring/big wedding is important to you, and it's not to him, you need to have a conversation in which you both express how you feel and WHY you feel that way.  And then you need to compromise on something that will make you BOTH happy.

I do think that allowing him to dictate where every spare dollar goes, and always acquiescing that it'll go to HIS hobby, is a problem.  And I think you'll be really bitter about letting his car go before your ring and wedding.  And that certainly won't help your chances of staying together.

3)  You are not entitled to an engagement.  No one is. 

csousa1

 

Swazzle said:

kaycal92 said:

Our adult conversations consist of: marriage, how many children we want, and where our next house is gonna be, and what car he wants to fix up next together. 

However any time a wedding or engagement is brought up he simply resists the conversation because of the costs. He will look at rings online and continue to joke with me that "its not worth it if there isn't a motor in it". The same goes for the wedding. He has far better things that he would rather pay for instead of a wedding. When it comes down to it, money is what matters to him. 

But I think what bugs me the most is the fact that we have bought a HOUSE together, a giant financial risk and commitment from both of us. And yet there is no re-assurance that a engagement will come soon.

Many of the kids each of us graduated is not in our position and I am not comparing my relationship to those of others, young or old, each relationship is unique and special in its own way. And I do feel as though I am entitled to an engagement because of the obstacles that we have overcome together, we do everything for each other, and work just to make each other happy. 

Further proof of OP having a case of SSS. 

Nobody is ENTITLED to an engagement no matter what you "have overcome together." 

 

Relationships are not gumball machines.

Blackbird230

Ugh joining the party of no one is ever ENTITLED to an engagement.

As a fellow young bride, I'm 21 (22 in a few months), and engaged with no ring and a plan for him to save up for a ring in the next few months or whatever and then spend 2 years getting an apartment together and saving for the wedding we want. We're not about to rush it because of cost.

Also, if you have such mature conversations with him, then you should be able to have a frank conversation about money. It should be a rational conversation in which you both are heard and understand and take each other's thoughts into consideration. If I let him, FI would just keep buying camera things. However, we had a talk about how I would like to have a pretty ring eventually and a nice wedding, he agrees and we move forward. Relationships are a give and take.

phira

Sorry, folks, but I stopped reading after the OP told us that they are in a grown-up relationship and have been through more than many other couples have been through.

buddysmom80

But @phira she is ENTITLED to an engagement!

::end sarcasm::

[Deleted User]

OP,

I'm just going to agree with all other ladies, here. You will just have to have a conversation with him.  Sounds like you also need a huge reality check on money. I can already tell that if you don't understand why he would spend $5,000 on his truck when he could have bought "multiple engagement rings," then you're not on the same page.

smalfrie19

KeptInStitches said:

Isn't this the part where we usually start suggesting the engagement chicken followed by anal?

Now I'm not hungry. 

Aww, does that mean blowjobs don't work?

Hi I am smalfrie...some of you might know me...I lurk on NEY occasionally...but I just want to say blow jobs DEFINITELY work..that how I got my FI to propose!

HisGirlFriday13

kaycal92 said:

CocoBellaF we have extremely different views on money and what to spend our money on. I have talked to him about budgets and I plan on having a cheap simple wedding with maybe 100 people to attend. We have talked about setting up a savings account for the wedding once we are engaged (we plan on having a 2 year engagement) and use only that account to pay for everything with no loans. 

And unfortunately his family would not allow a courthouse wedding, his family is from Italy and extremely catholic insisting that we are married in a church. 

I skimmed this post until I got here. This statement alone tells me you're not old enough to get married. If you think you ARE old enough to get married, you're old enough to tell his/your families what you want in terms of wedding, even if that's not what they want. 

Also, speaking as a pracitising Catholic, your cavalier attitude about getting married Catholic irks the hell out of me. Grow up, grow some balls, have the courage of your convictions (or lack of them), and act like the adult you purport to be.

blueobsidian

HisGirlFriday13 said:

kaycal92 said:

CocoBellaF we have extremely different views on money and what to spend our money on. I have talked to him about budgets and I plan on having a cheap simple wedding with maybe 100 people to attend. We have talked about setting up a savings account for the wedding once we are engaged (we plan on having a 2 year engagement) and use only that account to pay for everything with no loans. 

And unfortunately his family would not allow a courthouse wedding, his family is from Italy and extremely catholic insisting that we are married in a church. 

I skimmed this post until I got here. This statement alone tells me you're not old enough to get married. If you think you ARE old enough to get married, you're old enough to tell his/your families what you want in terms of wedding, even if that's not what they want. 

Also, speaking as a pracitising Catholic, your cavalier attitude about getting married Catholic irks the hell out of me. Grow up, grow some balls, have the courage of your convictions (or lack of them), and act like the adult you purport to be.

This is exactly what I was about to post.  

Not to mention the fact that I've never met a Catholic priest who would agree to perform a wedding when neither party was a practicing Catholic. The Church isn't just a venue to get married in because someone's family throws a hissy fit and you aren't mature enough to tell them to back off.  Marriage is a sacrament to the Church.  

OP, do you understand the requirements to get married in the Catholic Church?  Will your BF promise to do everything he can to have your children baptized and raised in the Catholic faith, just because his parents "won't allow" you to marry anywhere else?

KeptInStitches

smalfrie19 said:

KeptInStitches said:

Isn't this the part where we usually start suggesting the engagement chicken followed by anal?

Now I'm not hungry. 

Aww, does that mean blowjobs don't work?

Hi I am smalfrie...some of you might know me...I lurk on NEY occasionally...but I just want to say blow jobs DEFINITELY work..that how I got my FI to propose!

I love you.

annaandandy15

 Getting married in the Catholic Church is an extensive process. It requires Pre-Cana (pre-marital counseling with the priest which will require you to demonstrate your knowledge of the Catholic faith). They also will have restrictions, such as  being baptized and registered members at the parish for a certain amount of time. A priest might also refuse to marry you if not currently adhering to a Catholic lifestyle: such as if you and your FI are living together or not currently practicing. You're going to want to talk to a the priest and make sure that you meet the requirements far in advance. If you aren't personally serious about being Catholic or willing to follow their rules for during your engagement, you'd have better luck planning a non-Catholic wedding.

Additionally, you say that you're both on the same page with finances, except for the additional spending money. Well, I think that's part of your overall budget and it will cause problems if you can't agree. Every functioning adult will agree they need to pay their bills, so of course you agree on that. If he is spending a few thousand dollars on truck parts and you don't think that that's how he should be spending his money, you can't say that you're on the same page about finances.  

Doesntplaynice82

@Amapola14 Thank you for your advice about how to talk to my BF about how to compare the price of a ring or a wedding vs parts for his truck. 

has been very hard for me to support his passions with his truck while most of his parts could have bought multiple engagement rings. He spent $5,000 alone on a lift kit & tires for a truck that is going to need a new motor by next year. I guess this is where most of the frustration comes from!

 

BEEN THERE DONE THAT. Let me tell you from experience...If you is willing to spend $5,000 on a lift kit and tires but not an ring...you are going to have more problems than him not proposing. Married that...divorced that.

thejucheidea

1. jfc entitled to an engagement? what the what?

2. He's motherfucking 21. He's probably still a silly young boy who gets money and wants to spend it on toys. I know this -- my husband was 22 when we started dating and he was still being a child. He's grown up, and we got engaged when he was 25 and spending his personal account money on video games and toys but contributing the most money to our joint account because he'd obtained adulthood. Your boyfriend isn't old enough for marriage if he spends all of his money on stupid shit, he's just not. You need to give him time to grow up, and you need to grow up yourself, young one.

smalfrie19

KeptInStitches said:

smalfrie19 said:

KeptInStitches said:

Isn't this the part where we usually start suggesting the engagement chicken followed by anal?

Now I'm not hungry. 

Aww, does that mean blowjobs don't work?

Hi I am smalfrie...some of you might know me...I lurk on NEY occasionally...but I just want to say blow jobs DEFINITELY work..that how I got my FI to propose!

I love you.

Awww thanks *blush* I don't normally move that fast but for you.... @KeptInStitches

suzie211

smalfrie19 said:

KeptInStitches said:

Isn't this the part where we usually start suggesting the engagement chicken followed by anal?

Now I'm not hungry. 

Aww, does that mean blowjobs don't work?

Hi I am smalfrie...some of you might know me...I lurk on NEY occasionally...but I just want to say blow jobs DEFINITELY work..that how I got my FI to propose!

I actually took blow jobs off the table.  H wasn't allowed to have one until I had a skating rink on my left hand.