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Etiquette

Can I ask people not to light up?

Bear with me here. We have several close friends and family members who are either active or former military and law enforcement. The active ones cannot be hanging around marijuana smokers. Several people on our guest list (and I really can't take them off without a huge stink/friendship ending moves) happen to believe very strongly in marijuana legalization and smoke a. lot. of. pot. Medical use in my state is also in a weird legal position right now.
Can I put something discouraging illegal drug use on our planning web site, or is that going to be a no-no?
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Re: Can I ask people not to light up?

  • nope. if they're going to do it- they're going to do it. That being said, they should know NOT to do it at a wedding especially in a public place where it's illegal. You can though call the cops, have security etc on hand.
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    snippet17lizandmark2014jendemeyer
  • edited October 2013
    Ditto melbelleup. You can't tell people not to smoke, pot or cigarettes, because they should know better. And if they don't, and they light up, well...actions have consequences.

    ETA: Fix smartypants phone typo
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    Blue_Bird
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2013
    The best you can do is alert the venue staff and security that you're concerned that people may light up and ask them to enforce the rules against not smoking.   But no, you can't tell people not to bring their cigarettes with them.

    But if the staff and security have to enforce the rules, then that's what they have to do...even if your guests cause a scene as they face the consequences of their actions.
    Blue_Bird
  • Jen4948 said:
    The best you can do is alert the venue staff and security that you're concerned that people may light up and ask them to enforce the rules against not smoking.   But no, you can't tell people not to bring their cigarettes with them.

    But if the staff and security have to enforce the rules, then that's what they have to do...even if your guests cause a scene as they face the consequences of their actions.
    She's talking about weed.. not cigarettes.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    You can't tell people not to smoke.  If they want to smoke pot in a public place knowing that it is illegal and that there is a chance they will get arrested then there really isn't anything that you can do.  In fact, some of your guests who are in law enforcement (even off duty) may actually have to step in and do their job or contact the authorities.

    The fact that you have to even consider putting something on your website about illegal drug use at your wedding just speaks volumes about your friends.  They should have enough respect for you and your wedding to know that lighting up at your venue is probably not the best idea.

    melbelleupsnippet17
  • We're renting the venue space out for the weekend. "Security" is us. I really don't want to end up with idiots causing a scene over their weed habit--but I have seen some of these people smoking at other people's receptions in the past. Disinviting will cause even more ruckus. Just wish we could head it off somehow.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    No, you can't tell people not to light up. 

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    The best you can do is alert the venue staff and security that you're concerned that people may light up and ask them to enforce the rules against not smoking.   But no, you can't tell people not to bring their cigarettes with them.

    But if the staff and security have to enforce the rules, then that's what they have to do...even if your guests cause a scene as they face the consequences of their actions.
    She's talking about weed.. not cigarettes.
    Sometimes it comes in cigarette form (joints).
  • If I were you I wouldn't put it on the invite or guest list, but I would talk to the friends individually and let them know the reason why. Hearing about the active duty military that can't be around it will probably be the best deterrent.
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    Blue_Bird
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    kitty8403 said:
    We're renting the venue space out for the weekend. "Security" is us. I really don't want to end up with idiots causing a scene over their weed habit--but I have seen some of these people smoking at other people's receptions in the past. Disinviting will cause even more ruckus. Just wish we could head it off somehow.
    If you haven't sent invitations to the pot smokers, maybe leaving them off your guest list is what you have to do if you don't want them to get arrested and/or otherwise cause trouble. 

    You can't instruct anyone not to smoke, no.  You could casually put out the notice by word of mouth that active law enforcement officers will be at your wedding, but that's about all you can do to "head off" any problems with pot smokers.
    [Deleted User]jendemeyer
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited October 2013
    kitty8403 said:

    We're renting the venue space out for the weekend. "Security" is us. I really don't want to end up with idiots causing a scene over their weed habit--but I have seen some of these people smoking at other people's receptions in the past. Disinviting will cause even more ruckus. Just wish we could head it off somehow.

    You can hire a security guard or two from a private firm or I'm sure your cop and military attendees would know some buddies who do private event security on the weekends if you are super concerned.

    Unless they are standing within close proximity to the pot for several minutes, a brief contact is not going to show on a drug test.

    I get it, I hold a high level national security clearance myself. If the situation I'm in gets questionable...I leave. Your cop and military friends know to do the same.
    doeydomelbelleupashleyepjendemeyer
  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    @maggie0829 It just puts us in a d--- sh*tty position. Call the police? Lord, we'd never hear the end of it. And you can't say stuff like, "Hello, I know you've been around a long time/related to important people, and we love you, and we're chill with all this when it's your house and all, but there are cops attending and kids will be present and I just think it's ridiculous that based on your past behavior, I can't trust you to have some basic manners and smoke your dope on your own time, so you can't come" either. That would be terrible.
  • I would speak privately to the friends you're worried about. "Hey, I'm not sure if you were planning to smoke at our wedding, but if so, I hope you'll reconsider. We're not comfortable with it, and we have some other guests who are legally obligated to intervene if they see someone doing something illegal. So please just wait till after."

    And honestly, if they can't handle that, that's really shitty of them and I'd let them know that you can't invite them. I have a bunch of friends who smoke a lot and they were totally cool about not doing it around me when I was dating a cop, and they would never, ever think to do it at a wedding reception with people they don't know.
    s-aries8990rvg22melbelleupNYCBruin
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    kitty8403 said:
    @maggie0829 It just puts us in a d--- sh*tty position. Call the police? Lord, we'd never hear the end of it. And you can't say stuff like, "Hello, I know you've been around a long time/related to important people, and we love you, and we're chill with all this when it's your house and all, but there are cops attending and kids will be present and I just think it's ridiculous that based on your past behavior, I can't trust you to have some basic manners and smoke your dope on your own time, so you can't come" either. That would be terrible.
    You've mentioned this in a number of posts.  Unfortunately, I think that you may well need to rethink your guest list-or be prepared to accept nasty fallout from people who are not mature enough to accept that cops and marijuana don't mix-even if these are close relatives and friends-by letting them face the consequences of their choices not to behave appropriately.

    It sucks, but I would start putting some distance between yourself and anyone who would make a fuss because you don't want one set of guests arresting another set when the other set knows that what they're doing is illegal and doesn't care about anyone's needs but their own.
    melbelleupRebeccaB88jendemeyer
  • emmyg65 said:

    I would speak privately to the friends you're worried about. "Hey, I'm not sure if you were planning to smoke at our wedding, but if so, I hope you'll reconsider. We're not comfortable with it, and we have some other guests who are legally obligated to intervene if they see someone doing something illegal. So please just wait till after."


    And honestly, if they can't handle that, that's really shitty of them and I'd let them know that you can't invite them. I have a bunch of friends who smoke a lot and they were totally cool about not doing it around me when I was dating a cop, and they would never, ever think to do it at a wedding reception with people they don't know.
    Confrontation would make some of the Legalize It advocates I know want to smoke at the event even more...

    1. Hire private security

    OR

    2. Do not invite the guests who will cause trouble




    doeydomelbelleupPrettyGirlLost
  • I suggest you hire security. FI has some friends who smoke and he just gave them a heads up that there will be security and if they smell weed, they'll shut us down. We didn't have a problem. 

  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    Calling the cops is pretty offensive. We'd be expected to, at most, make a face and ignore it. Unfortunately, that won't be an option.

    It's not as simple as distancing ourselves from one or two individuals. It's all of the extended family who absolutely cannot be excluded but can't figure out why somebody was obviously left out of the circle--or, worse, assumed it was an oversight and brought them anyway. It's not worth offending 40-50 people. The whole thing just sucks.
  • Does your venue have a smoking policy? I know many venues in my area are non-smoking, and many are smoke free campuses, meaning that you can't even smoke outside while at the venue. If that is the case, could you potentially put something on the website about it being a "smoke free venue". Then you are offering information about the venue and not telling your guests what to do.
    jendemeyer
  • Believe it or not, I've attended a wedding where my H's friends have run off into the woods to get high, and then return to the party. I was shocked by their actions, but no one at the wedding seemed to notice or care. It was illegal in that state at that time too. 

    You should not mention anything about this situation on your wedding website, but would you feel comfortable spreading the word offline to your pot-head friends that there will be several guests in attendance who would be horrified/upset/disgusted/uncomfortable if they realized that people were doing drugs at your wedding? It's a tricky situation because you want to make everyone happy/comfortable and it seems like you are shit out of luck here. Hopefully they will get the message and can deal with their pot-use before the wedding in a private setting.

  • I suggest you hire security. FI has some friends who smoke and he just gave them a heads up that there will be security and if they smell weed, they'll shut us down. We didn't have a problem. 

    Yeah, maybe we need to. I just think it's so stupid that grown adults can't be trusted to behave for a couple hours.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    kitty8403 said:
    Calling the cops is pretty offensive. We'd be expected to, at most, make a face and ignore it. Unfortunately, that won't be an option. It's not as simple as distancing ourselves from one or two individuals. It's all of the extended family who absolutely cannot be excluded but can't figure out why somebody was obviously left out of the circle--or, worse, assumed it was an oversight and brought them anyway. It's not worth offending 40-50 people.
    Kitty, I'm sorry, but if these people can't be counted on to obey the law, at your event, then whether or not they are "offended" by consequences enforced against them is irrelevant. 

    Everyone needs to grow up and accept that the law on drugs and substances has to be respected-whether they like it or not-even if that means you lose your relationships with these people.  And I'm starting to wonder if it's even worth keeping relationships with these people if they would so blatantly put you in such a bad position.  I think you need to set boundaries and stop seeing yourself as a potential victim of people who refuse to obey the law.  If someone tells you how "offended" they are that a pot smoking relative is either not invited or arrested for smoking pot at your wedding, I'd reply, "They're grownups and are old enough to face the consequences of what they did.  I neither told them to bring or not bring their pot or smoke it.  Nor did I tell the law enforcement officers to do what they are legally required to do if someone uses illegal substances in their presence.  Grow up and get over it."  You may not have a good relationship with these people after that, but you  know something?  Someone who blames you for that doesn't strike me as worth having an ongoing good relationship with.
    melbelleupPrettyGirlLostAcire888jendemeyer
  • Thanks Jen.
  • Believe it or not, I've attended a wedding where my H's friends have run off into the woods to get high, and then return to the party. I was shocked by their actions, but no one at the wedding seemed to notice or care. It was illegal in that state at that time too. 

    You should not mention anything about this situation on your wedding website, but would you feel comfortable spreading the word offline to your pot-head friends that there will be several guests in attendance who would be horrified/upset/disgusted/uncomfortable if they realized that people were doing drugs at your wedding? It's a tricky situation because you want to make everyone happy/comfortable and it seems like you are shit out of luck here. Hopefully they will get the message and can deal with their pot-use before the wedding in a private setting.

    Oh yes, me too.
    The difference is that this time, it's not just about others feeling uneasy or disgusted. People could lose their jobs.
    melbelleup
  • I wouldn't post it on your website or invitations.

    At my wedding, the venue had VERY specific, serious rules about where you could and could not smoke cigarettes/cigars.  And if you did not comply, you were kicked out.  So I let the smokers know, by word of mouth, that they were welcome to light up in the designated spot.


  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!) member
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    Jen4948 said:
    kitty8403 said:
    Calling the cops is pretty offensive. We'd be expected to, at most, make a face and ignore it. Unfortunately, that won't be an option. It's not as simple as distancing ourselves from one or two individuals. It's all of the extended family who absolutely cannot be excluded but can't figure out why somebody was obviously left out of the circle--or, worse, assumed it was an oversight and brought them anyway. It's not worth offending 40-50 people.
    Kitty, I'm sorry, but if these people can't be counted on to obey the law, at your event, then whether or not they are "offended" by consequences enforced against them is irrelevant. 

    Everyone needs to grow up and accept that the law on drugs and substances has to be respected-whether they like it or not-even if that means you lose your relationships with these people.  And I'm starting to wonder if it's even worth keeping relationships with these people if they would so blatantly put you in such a bad position.  I think you need to set boundaries and stop seeing yourself as a potential victim of people who refuse to obey the law.  If someone tells you how "offended" they are that a pot smoking relative is either not invited or arrested for smoking pot at your wedding, I'd reply, "They're grownups and are old enough to face the consequences of what they did.  I neither told them to bring or not bring their pot or smoke it.  Nor did I tell the law enforcement officers to do what they are legally required to do if someone uses illegal substances in their presence.  Grow up and get over it."  You may not have a good relationship with these people after that, but you  know something?  Someone who blames you for that doesn't strike me as worth having an ongoing good relationship with.
    This.  If they can't have the decency to put it away for a few hours at your wedding where many others will be attending, I think you need new friends.
    melbelleupPrettyGirlLostjendemeyer

  • kitty8403 said:

    Calling the cops is pretty offensive. We'd be expected to, at most, make a face and ignore it. Unfortunately, that won't be an option.

    It's not as simple as distancing ourselves from one or two individuals. It's all of the extended family who absolutely cannot be excluded but can't figure out why somebody was obviously left out of the circle--or, worse, assumed it was an oversight and brought them anyway. It's not worth offending 40-50 people. The whole thing just sucks.

    Calling the cops is not offensive.  Also, you won't have to, if some of your guests are already police officers and they witness others smoking pot, which is illegal in your state, they could arrest them themselves.

    You also realize that you are renting out this venue.  If people are doing illegal things at your event you could be held responsible for it.  Would you really like being dragged off in handcuffs while in your wedding dress because you were too afraid of hurting some people's feelings?

    Honestly, these people sound selfish as hell.  They know the law yet openly disobey it and are even willing to put your entire wedding in jeopardy because of it.



    People say pot is not addictive, but I really do not believe that. Too many people behave like addicts when they use it. And yeah, it's selfish.

    Obviously they have to be told no. Just trying to figure out if there's a polite way to say "no" in advance. Doesn't sound like there is, at least not directly.
    [Deleted User]
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
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    kitty8403 said:
    kitty8403 said:
    Calling the cops is pretty offensive. We'd be expected to, at most, make a face and ignore it. Unfortunately, that won't be an option. It's not as simple as distancing ourselves from one or two individuals. It's all of the extended family who absolutely cannot be excluded but can't figure out why somebody was obviously left out of the circle--or, worse, assumed it was an oversight and brought them anyway. It's not worth offending 40-50 people. The whole thing just sucks.
    Calling the cops is not offensive.  Also, you won't have to, if some of your guests are already police officers and they witness others smoking pot, which is illegal in your state, they could arrest them themselves.

    You also realize that you are renting out this venue.  If people are doing illegal things at your event you could be held responsible for it.  Would you really like being dragged off in handcuffs while in your wedding dress because you were too afraid of hurting some people's feelings?

    Honestly, these people sound selfish as hell.  They know the law yet openly disobey it and are even willing to put your entire wedding in jeopardy because of it.
    People say pot is not addictive, but I really do not believe that. Too many people behave like addicts when they use it. And yeah, it's selfish. Obviously they have to be told no. Just trying to figure out if there's a polite way to say "no" in advance. Doesn't sound like there is, at least not directly.
    I think people can get addicted to anything.  
    image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited October 2013
    kitty8403 said:
    Thanks Jen.
    You're welcome.  I realize that I may have come across as too harsh and I apologize for that.  I just think that you might be making this harder on yourself than it would be if you did put your foot down and let the pot smokers and anyone else who gives you a hard time know that they're bringing it on themselves.
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