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Etiquette

Can I ask people not to light up?

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Re: Can I ask people not to light up?

  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I didn't read all the responses, but things to consider...
    Will the venue eject you if people are doing illegal things on the premises?

    Does the venue have a rule on smoking? If the venue does not allow smoking you CAN tell you guests. This is the same as the venue having a required dress code, you CAN tell guests they must follow the dress code for admittance. 

    I would tell all the people that might imbibe they situation.If they can't handle an evening without getting high then they should not attend. It's no different than having a dry wedding and expecting people not to sneak in liquor. It is illegal and there could be serious liability on you!

    GL!

    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    melbelleup
  • I didn't read all the comments, so this will probably be a broken record, but please don't put anything on your website or anywhere else about not smoking pot. That's just weird.

    Hire a security guard for your wedding, speak to him or her beforehand about the potential situation. Done.

    image
  • telling guests that other guests (active military members, cops) can't be around weed is a) inaccurate (my FI is a police officer, while he doesn't hang around pot smokers, if he was at a party where someone was smoking, it wouldn't be a huge deal, especially if he wasn't hanging out with them), and b) you should just tell them that they can't smoke weed at your event.  Don't use other guests as an excuse.  I really doubt they would light up a joint at your wedding.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • kitty8403 said:

    Believe it or not, I've attended a wedding where my H's friends have run off into the woods to get high, and then return to the party. I was shocked by their actions, but no one at the wedding seemed to notice or care. It was illegal in that state at that time too. 

    You should not mention anything about this situation on your wedding website, but would you feel comfortable spreading the word offline to your pot-head friends that there will be several guests in attendance who would be horrified/upset/disgusted/uncomfortable if they realized that people were doing drugs at your wedding? It's a tricky situation because you want to make everyone happy/comfortable and it seems like you are shit out of luck here. Hopefully they will get the message and can deal with their pot-use before the wedding in a private setting.

    Oh yes, me too.
    The difference is that this time, it's not just about others feeling uneasy or disgusted. People could lose their jobs.
    You clearly didn't read my earlier post.

    No one will lose their job by bring near a joint for at max 30 seconds.

    Those of us in positions that could get fired for being associated with or around illegal activities know when to LEAVE THE PREMISES when things take a bad turn.

    You're making a mountain out of a molehill.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Weed legalization debate aside, if it's illegal for them to smoke pot out in public areas and you've seen them do it anyway, I hardly think a note on your wedding website will stop them from doing it at your wedding.  If your venue has a no-smoking policy, feel free to put that on the website for guests' information but I wouldn't count on that being a deterrent.  Just hire security (so you don't have to have some of your cop friends arrest your pot head guests) or recognize that an incident may occur and you'll just have to deal with it when it happens. 

    melbelleup
  • I agree with Maggie, it's a polite way to deal with it. Just send an email or talk to your guests that do smoke that you respect their beliefs but to be aware that you have guests who are in law enforcement and even if they have a medical note for it, it would be best if they didn't light up at the wedding because you can't stop your guest who are in law enforcement from enforcing the law, even if they are off duty and you would have to have any issues at your wedding. If they are good friends, they will respect you. If they decline attending your wedding due to your request, they probably aren't the friends you thought they were.
    melbelleup
  • If they smoke pot despite what the LAW tells them to do, what makes you think that a little blurb on a wedding website that most people probably don't even look at will make them change their ways?
    melbelleupNYCBruin
  • itzMS said:

    kitty8403 said:

    Believe it or not, I've attended a wedding where my H's friends have run off into the woods to get high, and then return to the party. I was shocked by their actions, but no one at the wedding seemed to notice or care. It was illegal in that state at that time too. 

    You should not mention anything about this situation on your wedding website, but would you feel comfortable spreading the word offline to your pot-head friends that there will be several guests in attendance who would be horrified/upset/disgusted/uncomfortable if they realized that people were doing drugs at your wedding? It's a tricky situation because you want to make everyone happy/comfortable and it seems like you are shit out of luck here. Hopefully they will get the message and can deal with their pot-use before the wedding in a private setting.

    Oh yes, me too.
    The difference is that this time, it's not just about others feeling uneasy or disgusted. People could lose their jobs.
    You clearly didn't read my earlier post.

    No one will lose their job by bring near a joint for at max 30 seconds.

    Those of us in positions that could get fired for being associated with or around illegal activities know when to LEAVE THE PREMISES when things take a bad turn.

    You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

    Ok, no, your earlier post had not shown up in my feed, sorry. And no, it's not melodramatic. I'm well aware of past incidents with military personnel having to do things like clear going to concerts where people in the audience are likely to be high.
    It's not an issue of them catching something, for goodness' sake. It's that they *shouldnt have to feel pressure to leave in the first place* because others choose to ignore the law and be disrespectful.
  • itzMS said:

    emmyg65 said:

    I would speak privately to the friends you're worried about. "Hey, I'm not sure if you were planning to smoke at our wedding, but if so, I hope you'll reconsider. We're not comfortable with it, and we have some other guests who are legally obligated to intervene if they see someone doing something illegal. So please just wait till after."


    And honestly, if they can't handle that, that's really shitty of them and I'd let them know that you can't invite them. I have a bunch of friends who smoke a lot and they were totally cool about not doing it around me when I was dating a cop, and they would never, ever think to do it at a wedding reception with people they don't know.
    Confrontation would make some of the Legalize It advocates I know want to smoke at the event even more...

    1. Hire private security

    OR

    2. Do not invite the guests who will cause trouble




    Exactly. I'm afraid bringing up the issue one-on-one will be offensive. More offensive than a general heads up, which isn't personally targeted. But I really do not want to get yanked off the dance floor to break up a fight on my wedding day.
    I'm fine with all of them--when they are sober. Dammit.
  • I would highly, highly doubt there are many (if any) documented cases of a non-user being fired for brief incidental contact with pot in a public venue.

    Can you try not to spaz? Please? As a high security personnel individual, I never, ever blame the host for other guests' behaviors. We're all adults and make our own decisions. When I notice that a drug is present or a fight starts to break out, I leave. I have to. I don't feel pressured or slighted to leave. Trust me, they won't hold it against you. In fact it would be worse if hosts posted "nothing illegal or else!" disclaimers on my behalf.

    If it is 100% necessary to invite these people, you're just going to have to let adults be adults.
    ohannabellePrettyGirlLost
  • @itzMS ok. Thank you. Appreciated. Obviously this one's been stressing me out!
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    kitty8403 said:

    Believe it or not, I've attended a wedding where my H's friends have run off into the woods to get high, and then return to the party. I was shocked by their actions, but no one at the wedding seemed to notice or care. It was illegal in that state at that time too. 

    You should not mention anything about this situation on your wedding website, but would you feel comfortable spreading the word offline to your pot-head friends that there will be several guests in attendance who would be horrified/upset/disgusted/uncomfortable if they realized that people were doing drugs at your wedding? It's a tricky situation because you want to make everyone happy/comfortable and it seems like you are shit out of luck here. Hopefully they will get the message and can deal with their pot-use before the wedding in a private setting.

    Oh yes, me too. The difference is that this time, it's not just about others feeling uneasy or disgusted. People could lose their jobs.
    You clearly didn't read my earlier post. No one will lose their job by bring near a joint for at max 30 seconds. Those of us in positions that could get fired for being associated with or around illegal activities know when to LEAVE THE PREMISES when things take a bad turn. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.
    Ok, no, your earlier post had not shown up in my feed, sorry. And no, it's not melodramatic. I'm well aware of past incidents with military personnel having to do things like clear going to concerts where people in the audience are likely to be high. It's not an issue of them catching something, for goodness' sake. It's that they *shouldnt have to feel pressure to leave in the first place* because others choose to ignore the law and be disrespectful.
    As a host you shouldn't put them in that position in the first place.  You know how these individuals are so why even invite them if they could make the larger portion of your guest list uncomfortable or feel the need to leave your wedding?

  • kitty8403 said:

    Believe it or not, I've attended a wedding where my H's friends have run off into the woods to get high, and then return to the party. I was shocked by their actions, but no one at the wedding seemed to notice or care. It was illegal in that state at that time too. 

    You should not mention anything about this situation on your wedding website, but would you feel comfortable spreading the word offline to your pot-head friends that there will be several guests in attendance who would be horrified/upset/disgusted/uncomfortable if they realized that people were doing drugs at your wedding? It's a tricky situation because you want to make everyone happy/comfortable and it seems like you are shit out of luck here. Hopefully they will get the message and can deal with their pot-use before the wedding in a private setting.

    Oh yes, me too. The difference is that this time, it's not just about others feeling uneasy or disgusted. People could lose their jobs.

    I do feel for your position, but I have to say the bolded is incredibly medlodramatic.  I'm assuming you mean that the police officers and active duty military among your guests have to get drug tested?  You cannot fail a drug test because someone walked by you smoking a joint.  I know A LOT of people who smoke pot, and if they are at an event and want to smoke, the smokers will go for a walk and come back.  You can let your toking guests know that there are a few police officers invited as a heads up, but I would just mention it casually.  Aside from the rudeness, a formal announcement asking your guests to obey the law would probably not give a good first impression of your wedding.
    This.  Just let them know that they need to keep their business private.  As long as they are respectful enough to keep their distance, you shouldn't have a problem.  And maybe this is just because I'm from California, but I find it odd that people would be so uptight about pot.  No, I don't smoke, but I know plenty of people who do and they are always respectful about it.  It's not really anyones business so long as they don't light up on the dance floor. 
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    ohannabelleaurorajanetteBubblegum5586PrettyGirlLost
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    kitty8403 said:

    Believe it or not, I've attended a wedding where my H's friends have run off into the woods to get high, and then return to the party. I was shocked by their actions, but no one at the wedding seemed to notice or care. It was illegal in that state at that time too. 

    You should not mention anything about this situation on your wedding website, but would you feel comfortable spreading the word offline to your pot-head friends that there will be several guests in attendance who would be horrified/upset/disgusted/uncomfortable if they realized that people were doing drugs at your wedding? It's a tricky situation because you want to make everyone happy/comfortable and it seems like you are shit out of luck here. Hopefully they will get the message and can deal with their pot-use before the wedding in a private setting.

    Oh yes, me too. The difference is that this time, it's not just about others feeling uneasy or disgusted. People could lose their jobs.

    I do feel for your position, but I have to say the bolded is incredibly medlodramatic.  I'm assuming you mean that the police officers and active duty military among your guests have to get drug tested?  You cannot fail a drug test because someone walked by you smoking a joint.  I know A LOT of people who smoke pot, and if they are at an event and want to smoke, the smokers will go for a walk and come back.  You can let your toking guests know that there are a few police officers invited as a heads up, but I would just mention it casually.  Aside from the rudeness, a formal announcement asking your guests to obey the law would probably not give a good first impression of your wedding.
    This.  Just let them know that they need to keep their business private.  As long as they are respectful enough to keep their distance, you shouldn't have a problem.  And maybe this is just because I'm from California, but I find it odd that people would be so uptight about pot.  No, I don't smoke, but I know plenty of people who do and they are always respectful about it.  It's not really anyones business so long as they don't light up on the dance floor. 
    Unfortunately, law enforcement officers, even ones off duty, even at a wedding, are required to make arrests of people breaking the law when they see it.  They're not allowed to look the other way.  If they see/smell someone smoking marijuana, it becomes their business automatically.  And the OP has indicated that there will be law enforcement officers present.
    Maggie0829
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Rather than asking people not to smoke, why don't you just tell them that there will be cops there?

    Some of our friends smoke pot, and some of them went off during our reception to smoke.  There was no law enforcement other than the security guard, but they had the sense to sneak off somewhere away from the rest of the guests.  

    Having known a ton of smokers, many of whom are advocates for legalization, I've never met anyone that would knowingly smoke a joint in front of a cop.  
    Bubblegum5586thejucheidea
  • You mentioned these are largely extended family members.  Is there someone closer to you....someone "in between" you and the smoking crew...that would be able to mention your discomfort to them? 

    I think that there's a world of difference between advocating for legalization (I don't smoke, I do believe it should be legal) and smoking up when it makes others uncomfortable, especially the bride and groom at a wedding or other event hosts!!

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • This is such a non issue.our venue didn't allow smoking (cigarette or pot). We told guests who smoked so they could have a heads up. I knew some people would do it anyway. And they did. Oh well. The sky did not fall, no one went to jail and we got our deposit back. The end.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Believe it or not, I've attended a wedding where my H's friends have run off into the woods to get high, and then return to the party. I was shocked by their actions, but no one at the wedding seemed to notice or care. It was illegal in that state at that time too. 


    I have seen this happen a lot. 

    To OP are we worried about them openly smoking up in front of people or going off to their car and coming back? Because if they aren't in front of others.... then who cares? Yea they come back a little high, but some people prefer that over the buzz of alcohol. 
    image


    Anniversary
    thejucheidea
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    This is such a non issue.our venue didn't allow smoking (cigarette or pot). We told guests who smoked so they could have a heads up. I knew some people would do it anyway. And they did. Oh well. The sky did not fall, no one went to jail and we got our deposit back. The end.
    Tobacco smoking is usually legal, but pot smoking is not, and if there are active law enforcement officers present and it's not legal where the wedding venue is, then it's not a "non issue" at all but a very serious issue if guests indicate that they are going to break the law.

  • kitty8403 said:

    kitty8403 said:

    Believe it or not, I've attended a wedding where my H's friends have run off into the woods to get high, and then return to the party. I was shocked by their actions, but no one at the wedding seemed to notice or care. It was illegal in that state at that time too. 

    You should not mention anything about this situation on your wedding website, but would you feel comfortable spreading the word offline to your pot-head friends that there will be several guests in attendance who would be horrified/upset/disgusted/uncomfortable if they realized that people were doing drugs at your wedding? It's a tricky situation because you want to make everyone happy/comfortable and it seems like you are shit out of luck here. Hopefully they will get the message and can deal with their pot-use before the wedding in a private setting.

    Oh yes, me too.
    The difference is that this time, it's not just about others feeling uneasy or disgusted. People could lose their jobs.
    You clearly didn't read my earlier post.

    No one will lose their job by bring near a joint for at max 30 seconds.

    Those of us in positions that could get fired for being associated with or around illegal activities know when to LEAVE THE PREMISES when things take a bad turn.

    You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

    Ok, no, your earlier post had not shown up in my feed, sorry. And no, it's not melodramatic. I'm well aware of past incidents with military personnel having to do things like clear going to concerts where people in the audience are likely to be high.
    It's not an issue of them catching something, for goodness' sake. It's that they *shouldnt have to feel pressure to leave in the first place* because others choose to ignore the law and be disrespectful.

    As a host you shouldn't put them in that position in the first place.  You know how these individuals are so why even invite them if they could make the larger portion of your guest list
    uncomfortable or feel the need to leave your wedding?

    Because I don't have unilateral say in who is/is not allowed to come. These are joint decisions and FI will not exclude someone as a preemptive strike. He'll assume they should know to act like responsible adults, and neither of us has a problem with them attending as long as they don't smoke.

  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited November 2013
    I've been reading through this post and I kept thinking why is this even an issue, people have to leave to smoke anyways? Then I realized that I've just been spoiled by living in a state that doesn't allow any smoking inside buildings and only in designated areas outside, even in public places. 

    To the OP, I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask people to go outside to smoke. What they smoke outside is on them, but then they aren't bothering your other guests.
    image
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Exactly what Laura Cutter said, above. I know many marijuana smokers, and they are neither boorish or ill mannered. I assume that they are adults, and are discreet enough to step outside and duck behind the nearest tree, thereby not offending Great Aunt Mable. If they are not, the problem is not that they are marijuana smokers, but that they are boorish and ill mannered. If anyone is rude enough to be indiscreet, perhaps the MOB could politely remind them that older guests/children/guests who watched Reefer Madness are present, and could they please be a little more courteous. I would gladly do that for my daughter. Problem solved, and everyone can enjoy their cake. Some more than others. (I live in Seattle. It is neither illegal or a BFD, here.)
    This. Exactly. 

  • I havent read all of the responses but I just think its funny that we in America still think getting sh*tty drunk off alcohol or using heavy duty Rx pain meds or smoking horribly addictive cigarettes are all perfectly acceptable things but smoking something that comes from the ground and makes someone giggly and want Tabco Bell is cause for panic?

    Good God we're uptight

    image
    climbingwifeMyNameIsNotthejucheideaBubblegum5586
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Exactly what Laura Cutter said, above. I know many marijuana smokers, and they are neither boorish or ill mannered. I assume that they are adults, and are discreet enough to step outside and duck behind the nearest tree, thereby not offending Great Aunt Mable. If they are not, the problem is not that they are marijuana smokers, but that they are boorish and ill mannered. If anyone is rude enough to be indiscreet, perhaps the MOB could politely remind them that older guests/children/guests who watched Reefer Madness are present, and could they please be a little more courteous. I would gladly do that for my daughter. Problem solved, and everyone can enjoy their cake. Some more than others. (I live in Seattle. It is neither illegal or a BFD, here.)
    This. Exactly. 
    The issue isn't that they are offending other guests with the smell and the smoke, but that they're breaking the law which other guests are professionally required to uphold and that the couple will be liable for any breaches of their contract, which may include no smoking whatsoever.  If the couple live in a place where smoking pot is illegal, they can get in very serious trouble if their guests take it upon themselves to smoke.  No guest should ever put his/her host/ess in that position.  It is rude, selfish, and criminal.
  • Jen4948 said:
    Exactly what Laura Cutter said, above. I know many marijuana smokers, and they are neither boorish or ill mannered. I assume that they are adults, and are discreet enough to step outside and duck behind the nearest tree, thereby not offending Great Aunt Mable. If they are not, the problem is not that they are marijuana smokers, but that they are boorish and ill mannered. If anyone is rude enough to be indiscreet, perhaps the MOB could politely remind them that older guests/children/guests who watched Reefer Madness are present, and could they please be a little more courteous. I would gladly do that for my daughter. Problem solved, and everyone can enjoy their cake. Some more than others. (I live in Seattle. It is neither illegal or a BFD, here.)
    This. Exactly. 
    The issue isn't that they are offending other guests with the smell and the smoke, but that they're breaking the law which other guests are professionally required to uphold and that the couple will be liable for any breaches of their contract, which may include no smoking whatsoever.  If the couple live in a place where smoking pot is illegal, they can get in very serious trouble if their guests take it upon themselves to smoke.  No guest should ever put his/her host/ess in that position.  It is rude, selfish, and criminal.
    so, just a question, do you call the police on your friend when you're driving with her and she goes over the speedlight?
    image
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Jen4948 said:
    Exactly what Laura Cutter said, above. I know many marijuana smokers, and they are neither boorish or ill mannered. I assume that they are adults, and are discreet enough to step outside and duck behind the nearest tree, thereby not offending Great Aunt Mable. If they are not, the problem is not that they are marijuana smokers, but that they are boorish and ill mannered. If anyone is rude enough to be indiscreet, perhaps the MOB could politely remind them that older guests/children/guests who watched Reefer Madness are present, and could they please be a little more courteous. I would gladly do that for my daughter. Problem solved, and everyone can enjoy their cake. Some more than others. (I live in Seattle. It is neither illegal or a BFD, here.)
    This. Exactly. 
    The issue isn't that they are offending other guests with the smell and the smoke, but that they're breaking the law which other guests are professionally required to uphold and that the couple will be liable for any breaches of their contract, which may include no smoking whatsoever.  If the couple live in a place where smoking pot is illegal, they can get in very serious trouble if their guests take it upon themselves to smoke.  No guest should ever put his/her host/ess in that position.  It is rude, selfish, and criminal.
    so, just a question, do you call the police on your friend when you're driving with her and she goes over the speedlight?
    No, but if she is driving my car I make her pull over and stop driving bc it's my insurance and my vehicle. This is not the same thing. If she is driving her car recklessly it is her money and vehicle - even if she isn't taking my safety into consideration. The bigger question her is if the OP can lose her deposit, have event end early bc the venue kicks them out, or if she can be otherwise held liable.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • Jen4948 said:
    Exactly what Laura Cutter said, above. I know many marijuana smokers, and they are neither boorish or ill mannered. I assume that they are adults, and are discreet enough to step outside and duck behind the nearest tree, thereby not offending Great Aunt Mable. If they are not, the problem is not that they are marijuana smokers, but that they are boorish and ill mannered. If anyone is rude enough to be indiscreet, perhaps the MOB could politely remind them that older guests/children/guests who watched Reefer Madness are present, and could they please be a little more courteous. I would gladly do that for my daughter. Problem solved, and everyone can enjoy their cake. Some more than others. (I live in Seattle. It is neither illegal or a BFD, here.)
    This. Exactly. 
    The issue isn't that they are offending other guests with the smell and the smoke, but that they're breaking the law which other guests are professionally required to uphold and that the couple will be liable for any breaches of their contract, which may include no smoking whatsoever.  If the couple live in a place where smoking pot is illegal, they can get in very serious trouble if their guests take it upon themselves to smoke.  No guest should ever put his/her host/ess in that position.  It is rude, selfish, and criminal.
    so, just a question, do you call the police on your friend when you're driving with her and she goes over the speedlight?
    No, but if she is driving my car I make her pull over and stop driving bc it's my insurance and my vehicle. This is not the same thing. If she is driving her car recklessly it is her money and vehicle - even if she isn't taking my safety into consideration. The bigger question her is if the OP can lose her deposit, have event end early bc the venue kicks them out, or if she can be otherwise held liable.

    I'm sorry but I call BS. There is no way you make your friend pull over for going over the speed limit even if it's your car.

    But anyway, we've established there is no way for her to politely tell them no smoking, other than heart to hearts. So if she decides to invite them still anyway, that's a choice she's making. Friends > deposit money OR friends < deposit money, it's really not that complicated.

    If she TRULY believe she will lose her deposit if someone lights a joint, then don't invite them or be ready to lose the deposit money.  

    image
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    I'm sorry but I call BS. There is no way you make your friend pull over for going over the speed limit even if it's your car.

    But anyway, we've established there is no way for her to politely tell them no smoking, other than heart to hearts. So if she decides to invite them still anyway, that's a choice she's making. Friends > deposit money OR friends < deposit money, it's really not that complicated.

    If she TRULY believe she will lose her deposit if someone lights a joint, then don't invite them or be ready to lose the deposit money.  

    You can call BS all you want. I'm sorry but, you gave an apples to oranges example. Her friends should care enough about her and RESPECT her enough to not do something illegal at her wedding ceremony. Talk about being selfish - I want to get high and I don't care how it impacts others - that's what I call BS. 
    There is plenty of polite ways, for example if they venue does not allow smoking you can post no smoking signs. The real issue is you shouldn't have to find a polite way to ask people to follow the law when you are hosting them. Being a guest does not exclude you from behaving with decorum and following proper etiquette.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

    Jen4948Maggie0829
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