Garter toss- he doesn't want to (!)

Sarahphim12

For reasons I can't fully understand, my fiance has said more than once that he does not want to toss the garter. I've always imagined that my garter would be my "something blue" and have always wanted this since I was little. He says it's "silly" and is not going to do it. I suspect it has something to do with him feeling a bit insecure and a fear that if he does it he will look silly or foolish in some way. I will be throwing my bouquet, and he has no issue with that. HELP! How can I make him understand that it means a lot to me, and no one will think he looks ridiculous for throwing the garter at his own wedding?

NYCBruin

I can think of many reasons why he wouldn't want to participate in this silly tradition.

There are lots of reasons why he might think this.  If you search these boards you'll find that LOTS of posters agree with your FI.

If your FI is uncomfortable with the idea of digging up your dress to take off a garter, I'm not sure why you want to push it.  If you were uncomfortable with something, wouldn't you want your FI to respect your wishes?

There's no reason why you can't wear a blue garter and not have the tosses.  Having it removed in front of your guests is not a prerequisite to wearing a garter.

KatWAG

NYCBruin said:

I can think of many reasons why he wouldn't want to participate in this silly tradition.

There are lots of reasons why he might think this.  If you search these boards you'll find that LOTS of posters agree with your FI.

If your FI is uncomfortable with the idea of digging up your dress to take off a garter, I'm not sure why you want to push it.  If you were uncomfortable with something, wouldn't you want your FI to respect your wishes?

There's no reason why you can't wear a blue garter and not have the tosses.  Having it removed in front of your guests is not a prerequisite to wearing a garter.

All of this. I hate the garter toss. It is so awkward for everyone involved. I would respect his wishes and skip it. Your guests will thank you.

climbingsingle

NYCBruin said:

I can think of many reasons why he wouldn't want to participate in this silly tradition.

There are lots of reasons why he might think this.  If you search these boards you'll find that LOTS of posters agree with your FI.

If your FI is uncomfortable with the idea of digging up your dress to take off a garter, I'm not sure why you want to push it.  If you were uncomfortable with something, wouldn't you want your FI to respect your wishes?

There's no reason why you can't wear a blue garter and not have the tosses.  Having it removed in front of your guests is not a prerequisite to wearing a garter.

Seriously. Why do you want to force him to do something he's clearly not comfortable doing? I personally hate the garter toss. I'm not doing it. I hate seeing it at weddings. 

marshmallow1982

He's probably embarassed in front of his family, it is kind of a sexual thing whereas the bouquet toss is just cute and fun.

Maggie0829

You know you can still wear a blue garter even if you aren't having a garter toss.

And do not push this onto your FI.  If he doesn't want to do it then he shouldn't be forced to.

daria24

Your FI sounds very sensible. Don't try to force him to do something he doesn't want to do. No one cares who your 'somethings' are, you can still wear a blue garter that he can remove in the privacy of your wedding night location. 

If it's the removal aspect that bothers him, I know that many couples skip the whole embarrassing removal of the garter and just put a second, unused garter on a football and toss that. 

But seriously just skip the garter toss. 

itzMS

Maggie0829 said:

You know you can still wear a blue garter even if you aren't having a garter toss.

And do not push this onto your FI.  If he doesn't want to do it then he shouldn't be forced to.

This. I wore two garters (one being blue) because I wanted to. There was no garter toss.

It's super awkward.

mommapizano

My garter is blue and we are not doing a garter toss. Both FI and I don't feel comfortable doing that, I would just feel too awkward. Plus almost all our guests are married. 

PrettyGirlLost

You can wear a garter w/o making your FI fish up your dress for it.

Also, a former reg once told me that under the strictest interpretation of the Somethings rule, something blue has to actually be visible. It has to do with the superstition behind it. I lost my PMs with the migration to the new boards so I don't have all the info at hand.

chibiyui

Ask him why it bothers him. If he doesn't want to get up under your dress in front of people, see if he'll toss a spare one that isn't on your leg. If he just doesn't want to do a garter toss at all (and there are still plenty of reasons for that) then let it go. You can still wear a  garter if you want to. 

We're going to toss a spare one that isn't on my leg. FI can have all the fun he wants removing the one on me at the end of the night when we're alone.

[Deleted User]

Does he have to dig it out to do the toss?? I've been embarrassed for some of the people that have taken a little toooo long getting the garter off those legs but if you shimmied it down to your ankle in private before hand and he just slipped it off, that would be much less awkward and still tossable

misssunshine17

Uhg, skip it. Not one person mentioned missing it at my wedding. It can still be you something blue. Do not make your then-H do something he's uncomfortable with. 

jwc1116

 

PrettyGirlLost said:

You can wear a garter w/o making your FI fish up your dress for it. Also, a former reg once told me that under the strictest interpretation of the Somethings rule, something blue has to actually be visible. It has to do with the superstition behind it. I lost my PMs with the migration to the new boards so I don't have all the info at hand.

Something blue stands for purity, love and fidelity.  I've never heard that it had to visible, but maybe it's as a way of displaying your faithfulness.

 

I would say hate is a strong word for me, but I also really don't want to do the garter toss.  My fiancé, however, does want to it.  My mother gave me a blue garter that she wore for her wedding with a charm engraved with their names and wedding date (1974!).  I cried when she gave it to me, I can't believe my parents have almost been married 40 years!

So, I'm giving into my fiancé's wish, since he wants to do it.  I don't think anyone cares too much to catch anything, but maybe that's just my crowd.  I do remember as a little girl feeling somewhat embarrassed when I felt a groom lifted up a bride's dress too high in front of everyone.  I have a very fitted mermaid dress.  I plan on not sitting, but just hiking up my dress just to the knee (ala It Happened One Night) where the garter will be worn low.

I think if you want to do this tradition and he doesn't, find exactly what about it he doesn't like and see if you can do it leaving that part out.  For me, it was that my skirt was not lifted in too much of a risqué manner, and so with leaving that out, I'm happy to oblige him.

jwc1116

Oh, and I'm not throwing away my keepsake, but a toss garter!

NYCBruin

PrettyGirlLost said:

You can wear a garter w/o making your FI fish up your dress for it. Also, a former reg once told me that under the strictest interpretation of the Somethings rule, something blue has to actually be visible. It has to do with the superstition behind it. I lost my PMs with the migration to the new boards so I don't have all the info at hand.

I think it's supposed to be visible because the intent for carrying the "lucky" items was to ward off evil spirits.  If the object was hidden (like a garter), then the evil spirits wouldn't see it and wouldn't be scared off.

AddieCake

I'm with your fiance. I hate garter and bouquet tosses. 

doeydo

Just wear the blue garter.  He can see it and take it off when you get to the hotel. 

banana468

Wear the blue garter and he can take it off in private. I also don't like the garter toss.

Jen4948

You can still wear a blue garter.  It just won't be tossed.

I don't like garter tosses either.  My cousin did it at her wedding and it was really embarrassing to watch.

PrettyGirlLost

jillwentworth @NYCBruin, yes, that's it!  Thanks!

southernbelle0915

Sarahphim12 said:

For reasons I can't fully understand, my fiance has said more than once that he does not want to toss the garter. I've always imagined that my garter would be my "something blue" and have always wanted this since I was little. He says it's "silly" and is not going to do it. I suspect it has something to do with him feeling a bit insecure and a fear that if he does it he will look silly or foolish in some way. I will be throwing my bouquet, and he has no issue with that. HELP! How can I make him understand that it means a lot to me, and no one will think he looks ridiculous for throwing the garter at his own wedding?

I don't think your approach should be trying to make HIM understand why YOU want this. I think it should be YOU trying to understand HIS needs and compromising so that both of you get a little bit of what you want.

My suggested compromise: Wear whatever garter you want to wear. Have him remove it in the privacy of your honeymoon suite. You get to wear what you want and have him remove it, he doesn't have the discomfort of removing your lingerie in front of other people.

annathy03

chibiyui said:

Ask him why it bothers him. If he doesn't want to get up under your dress in front of people, see if he'll toss a spare one that isn't on your leg. If he just doesn't want to do a garter toss at all (and there are still plenty of reasons for that) then let it go. You can still wear a  garter if you want to. 

We're going to toss a spare one that isn't on my leg. FI can have all the fun he wants removing the one on me at the end of the night when we're alone.

This is worth bringing up with him.  If he's against it entirely, I promise you no one will miss it.  If he is only against going up your dress in front of people, plenty of couples have a toss garter the way brides often have a separate toss bouquet that doesn't need removed.

FI and I's favorite vacation activity is to snorkeling.  He wanted to go up my dress with a snorkel mask.  I told him there was no way in hell.

WedReMix13

I didnt have a toss when we got married.. i did wear a garter but no tossing involved. No big deal

casey8784

itzMS said:

You know you can still wear a blue garter even if you aren't having a garter toss.

And do not push this onto your FI.  If he doesn't want to do it then he shouldn't be forced to.

This. I wore two garters (one being blue) because I wanted to. There was no garter toss. It's super awkward.

This. I'm wearing 2 garters cause I want to. I had originally wanted to do a garter toss and bouquet toss but we decided not to do it. Doesn't mean you can't still wear a garter!

huskypuppy14

We are not having the bouquet and garter toss for many reasons. The majority of our friends are married, so it would be uncomfortable for the 7 people that are single. I also think the garter toss is tacky, and most people will not miss it. 

triciaandkenswedding

We aren't doing the garter or boquet toss but I'm still wearing a garter. 

MariaBend25

Many people don't know where the garter toss originated from, so let me tell you. Way back when, the garter, or even a special small bed sheet, was used to catch the blood of the bride's hymen when the marriage was consummated on their wedding night. Everyone would be gathered outside to ensure the bride was a virgin, as proven by a blood-stained garter or sheet. The groom would then exit the room and throw the evidence to the crowd, and the bride's family would keep their honour. Bed sheets (stained with her blood) were sometimes flown outside as proud proof of her virginity. Of course, this old 'tradition' is now portrayed by the garter toss...which is still sexual in nature. Most brides today aren't virgins anyway. I personally find the garter demeaning and didnt even wear one. 

However, if it is your dream to have a blue garter, go on ahead, live it up. As for your fiance doing the garter toss, ask him if it is the fishing for it or the tossing of it that bothers him. If he doesn't want to go up your dress in front of his family (my husband would have been mortified if I wanted him to do so in front of his religious family) then maybe he would be ok with you taking it off yourself, giving it to him, and then him tossing it. If he doesn't want to do any part of it then that is between you and him...much bigger disagreements, dilemmas, and decisions will be down the marital road. I wish you the best at coming to a compromise or solution.

CLI242009

marshmallow1982 said:

He's probably embarassed in front of his family, it is kind of a sexual thing whereas the bouquet toss is just cute and fun.

Exactly the reason my FI told me he doesn't want to do it. I was keen on a garter and bouquet toss but he was super uncomfortable getting in a position that is sexual. I completely understood and so now no garter/bouquet toss.
.
At weddings when I have seen the garter removal, the sexy music playing in the back and then the groom disappearing under the dress - or the dress being lifted maybe too high for some it can get very awkward very fast. Not only for the bride and groom but for the guests too.

Find out from FI why he doesn't want to do it. You have many solutions to this problem. If you want the "show" of him removing it, save it for the bedroom.


MariaBend25 - I have heard about the sheet (and this tradition is still practiced in some places) being shown or hung out the window, didn't know about the garter. This just gives another reason why NOT to do it. Thank you for the info ^_^

ohannabelle

"I've always imagined that my garter would be my "something blue" and have always wanted this since I was little."

Seriously? Do you mean that you always dreamed of being seated in the middle of a room with all eyes riveted while someone pulls up your skirt, and the man you love throws a piece of your lingerie to a hooting crowd?

You do realize you can wear a blue garter without any of this.

If this sort of dream means more to you than your fiancé's feelings, comfort level, and sensibilities, I really don't know what to say.

For the record, when I was little I dreamed of owning a monkey farm. Since then, I grew up and prioritized my wants.

I now want the love, happiness, contentment, and peace of my family. It's a better idea. Marriage lasts a long time. I wouldn't start out by making an issue out of something as trivial as a garter toss.

lovesclimbing

The garter thing does not have to be crazy sexual.  My H did not disappear up my dress or use his teeth or anything like that.  It was just a couple inches above my knee, so nothing very inappropriate. 

All that to say, if your H really doesn't want to do it, you should honor his feelings and not try to force him into it.