Help! My FI is Catholic and I'm Methodist.

Jtsma10

I'm looking for advice for someone who has been in a similar situations as me. I've read other blogs and generally, the women here have been in the Catholic Church all their life. I never stepped foot in a Catholic Church until last year. Is there a way to make this work? We both serve the same God, we just have different ways of service. Not that either way is wrong or right, I enjoy both services. I'm more about the relationship and he is more about structure and obeying. Again, neither is right or wrong. Is there anyone out there who is open minded enough to help me through this? We have been talking about going to RCA Classes and meeting with his priest after the holidays, but I'm not even sure if we can get married in the Church.

agapecarrie

A Catholic can marry a non-Catholic validly in the church. The Catholic must do all they can to raise the children in the faith. 

Please don't undersell the understanding of "structure and obeying" as being apart from relationship. There is freedom in the structure and obedience.  

You can attend RCIA classes to learn more about the faith without necessarily converting. I recommend this highly, as you can see why the church teaches what she teaches and make an informed decision. The Catholic Mass is a structure itself from the time Jesus established the structure at the Last Supper. 

In my experience of many friends and parishioners I work with, mixed marriages are more difficult than those of the same faith, so its not like its going to be completely easy, however it can be done. Go ahead and meet with the priest and follow his guidance.

monkeysip

Yup, everything Agape said.

I would just emphasize that mixed marriages can totally work, but both parties need to be completely honest and clear about how they want to practice their faith and what role they want religion to play in their marriage.

For example, a practicing Catholic must be married in the Catholic Church and attend mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation.  The non-Catholic spouse would have to be okay with this, but the non-Catholic spouse can still of course attend their own church services, and certainly the Catholic spouse could accompany them when possible.

Also, Catholics are expected to try their best to raise the children Catholic.  That does NOT mean that you, as a non-Catholic would need to teaching the children Catholicism, but it does mean that you would have to be okay with this.  

It's good that you're both Christians, so at least you can still pray together, read the bible together, etc.  These are always helpful things for a family.  But if your fiance wants to keep practicing his faith, just be aware that there are certain things he must uphold, and you both would need to just be honest with each other so that you can avoid future disagreements.

monkeysip

And ditto that RCIA is always a great thing.  You won't be pressured to convert, but you can at least learn WHY your husband believes and does some of the things he does.  It's always helpful when spouses understand each other better.

STARMOON44

I'm a Methodist dating a Catholic and we have many of these same conversations. I'd encourage you to also talk to your own minister, as well as his priest. Understanding my own religion helps me talk with him about his.

professorscience

It takes work.  If you are both exceptionally loyal to your own faith, it can be even more difficult, but it is certainly doable.  It requires a lot of hard conversations, so you need to have them BEFORE you are married.  BIL is married to a Methodist woman, although as far as I know she is no longer practicing.  They have two kids who are being raised Catholic.  SIL attended RCIA, but chose not to convert.  Taking the classes definitely helped her in matters of teaching her kids, though.

mchuskerfan

I am in a similar situation--I am a member of a United Church of Christ congregation and FI is Catholic.  It became apparent early on in our relationship that our faith was important to both of us.  It also was obvious that while we agreed on the overwhelming majority of it, there were significant obstacles which made it unlikely that either of us would convert.  So we are doing a two church marriage.  We know it is going to be difficult, but we are both committed to doing it this way.

To answer your question.  Yes you can get married even though only FI is Catholic.  You have three options as to how to handle the wedding (1) get married in his Catholic Church, (2) obtain a dispensation and get married in your Methodist Church, or (3) ignore the Catholic Church and get married wherever you want.  (I would strongly recommend against option #3 If you choose #3, the Catholic Church will not recognize your marriage and he will not. be able to receive the sacraments, and it will likely cause family drama.   Therefore, while this is theoretically an option it is a nonstarter if his Catholic faith is important to him.)

If you elect either #1 or #2, it is permissible that the other party's pastor/priest can participate.  We elected to get married in FI's Catholic Church and have my minister read scriptures, say a few words, stand with the priest as we say our vows, and offer a blessing. 

Mass--You can have the wedding either with the Eucharist or outside of mass.  We elected not to have the Eucharist as we wanted a ceremony focused on uniting us as husband and wife, and not have our first act highlight a division between us and between our families. 

Some other advice:

1.  Definitely work with both his priest and your pastor.  Both denominations want your marriage to succeed.  The priest and pastor are excellent resource as you prepare for the wedding and afterwards in your married life.  Take advantage of both resources.

2.  Find couples in a Catholic/Protestant marriage who can be role models or mentors for you.  Both your pastor and his priest might have couples that they can suggest you talk to.  You might also find them in other places too.  For us, FI has a friend who is a staunch Catholic from a staunchly Catholic family (uncle is a priest, also has nuns in the family) who is married to a staunch Baptist.  They make it work. 

3.  Determine how worship attendance will  be handled.  For us, we have agreed that we will  attend each others church at least once per month.  The other weeks we will likely go to our own services, but sometimes we may alter that and go to two services on a weekend.

4.  Adopt faith practices that you both share.  For us, it is praying together at meals.  We also spend time discussing the sermon/homily after we attend a service together.  We are exploring the possibility of setting time aside for a daily devotional together.   

5.  Get involved in both churches.  A lot churches have social groups (i.e.young adults, married couples, etc.), book clubs or sports leagues.  Pick groups in both churches that match your interests.  It will allow you to feel included in both communities. 

6.  Learn about each others faith.  Previous posters have mentioned RCIA,but both churches have other educational opportunities.  For me, one of the best things that I did was to participate in a Bible study in my church about the Last Supper.  It helped me to understand why our two churches view the Eucharist differently.

7.  Set boundaries with family.  You may find yourself under pressure from FI's family to conform to their religious preferences (and vice versa).  You need to tell them that it is your marriage and that you will address issues regarding your different faith backgrounds as a couple and that they need to butt  out (more politely of course).  It is important that you deal with your family and your FI deal with his on this issue.

8.  Be open in the marriage preparation process.  The Catholic Church will require you to do their marraige prep, even though you aren't Catholic.  I found a lot of it to be helpful, but there were times I did feel like a second-class Christian.  We took the FOCCUS inventory, and discussed our answers with FI's priest.  It helped us  to identify issues we needed to discuss further.  We  also did a weekend retreat--I was not as impressed with it.

9.  Children.  This is a tough issue.  Your FI will have to promise to use his best efforts to raise any children Catholic.  You as a non-Catholic make no such promise; you acknowledge that you are aware of FI's promise.  Ultimately,you two as a couple in prayerful consultation with God  will decide the religious education of your children. 

Good luck and God bless

Edit:  To add paragraphs that did not post the first time.

mchuskerfan

Delete--double post

monkeysip

^^^ Great practical advice from a non-Catholic perspective.

[Deleted User]

Wow @mchuskerfan...that was the best insight into an interfaith union that I've read. I too am the non-Catholic in the relationship (Baptist) and ALL of your advice is SPOT ON! It is most important to me that BOTH of our faiths are respected in our house and FI agrees- it's not easy but it will be 100% worth it.

melbelleup

Jtsma10 said:

I'm looking for advice for someone who has been in a similar situations as me. I've read other blogs and generally, the women here have been in the Catholic Church all their life. I never stepped foot in a Catholic Church until last year. Is there a way to make this work? We both serve the same God, we just have different ways of service. Not that either way is wrong or right, I enjoy both services. I'm more about the relationship and he is more about structure and obeying. Again, neither is right or wrong. Is there anyone out there who is open minded enough to help me through this? We have been talking about going to RCA Classes and meeting with his priest after the holidays, but I'm not even sure if we can get married in the Church.

I'm coming from the opposite. My FI is Methodist and I'm Catholic. Don't worry, you can still get married in a Catholic church. You don't have to convert. The wedding won't be a full Catholic wedding, but it still has the important parts, minus communion.

agapecarrie

Clarify: Communions IS an important part, generally. It's not necessary to have for a valid marriage. 

When a Catholic marries a baptized non-Catholic, it is an option to have a full mass or not. When a Catholic marries a non-baptized person, there isn't an option for a full mass. 

Jtsma10

We are looking at getting married outside of a Catholic Church but still having the Priest proside over the ceremony. Is that possible? We haven't contacted the Church yet because it's too far away.

agapecarrie

Only in special situations can a Catholic marry not in a Catholic church. It requires a dispensation from form from the Bishop. They are not given simply because one wants a different venue/beach, etc

The church should be the first contact before anything else is planned. 

Tami87

Jtsma10 said:

We are looking at getting married outside of a Catholic Church but still having the Priest proside over the ceremony. Is that possible? We haven't contacted the Church yet because it's too far away.

Ditto what Carrie said. In vast majority of cases the answer will be no, a priest will not preside over a wedding outside of a Catholic church. I am not sure how far away is too far, but you should definitely contact the priest first! Most dioceses require some type of waiting period. Typically this is 6 months, but some are as long as 12 months. I know we were able to set a date with the church more than a year in advance. You should also talk to the priest and set a date with the church before you put any other deposits down for any other venues or vendors.

This website also might be of help to you http://www.catholicweddinghelp.com/questions/questions-answers.htm

dioceses do require a waiting period

Jtsma10

We are 15 months away from the wedding date. And we are looking to get married at a hotel because I have an abundance of friends and family coming from over an hour away to attend. I don't want a gap between the ceremony and reception so that's why I was asking. But thank you for letting me know. I guess we will be talking with him Sunday after Mass to see what our options are. Thank you ladies!

professorscience

Yeah, I don't think you could get a dispensation to have your ceremony at a hotel.  However, you don't HAVE to have a gap.  There are a number of things you could do to accommodate your OOT guests:

If your dream is for an evening reception, some churches DO offer weddings after the Saturday vigil mass.  When I got married, our church had weddings at 2:00 and 7:30.  Be sure to ask your priest what the available times are.

If the church only offers afternoon or morning weddings, see if your hotel has any options for your guests to entertain themselves between the ceremony and reception.  I had a friend who had a 4:00 wedding, with about an hour in between the end of the ceremony and the start of the reception.  The hotel where the reception was opened up the bar to all wedding guests and even gave out drink vouchers to all the guests who were staying at the hotel.

Keep in mind that just because your reception starts in the afternoon doesn't mean it's going to be daylight the entire time your reception is going on.  I got married at 2:00, and cocktail hour began as soon as guests started arriving at the reception venue (we missed it, but that's the point of cocktail hour -- to give your guests something to do while you take pictures -- you can ask your venue to save a plate of hors d'ouerves for you).  Dinner started around 5:30, and the reception ended around 9:00.  There were actually afterparties (not planned by us, but you could look into it) after the official end of the reception.  I honestly loved having daylight for pictures, and then a gorgeous sunset, and an evening send-off.

Also, it might be best to call in advance and try to make an appointment.  When I was planning, my initial thought was to just try to grab the priest or a deacon after mass to start asking about getting booked, and I was basically told I'd need to call.  If your church is far away for you to drive, you definitely don't want to be turned away on the day you're free to sit down and talk!

agapecarrie

I can pretty much guarantee there won't be a dispensation given for that. Please don't give up having a marriage in the physical church building because of timing. There is a great beauty to the symbolism of the church walls being representative of community. Marriage is a vocational sacrament, where the 2 proclaim to live out the mission of Christ to the parish and community. 

Oh, and grabbing a priest after mass is not a good idea either. Make an appointment. 

Calypso1977

you will never get a dispensation for a hotel wedding.

my advice is to either marry late morning and have a luncheon reception at your hotel venue or do the latest afternoon ceremony (probably 2pm) and have a late afternoon/early evening reception.  you could then do a post-game if you felt the need to entertain yoru guests further.

Mkincaid2014

Back to the original topic...  I'm a Lutheran, and my FI is Catholic.  This has been the single most difficult issue in our relationship.  I come from a very proud, active Lutheran family, and he's really active in the Knights of Columbus.  I had very negative experiences with Catholicism growing up, and most of the Catholics I knew resented it and left the church as adults.  My FI had never been to a Protestant church before he met me, and he had all kinds of wild ideas of what they are like.  We fought about religion quite a bit in the early days of our relationship, but we've both come to understand the intricacies of each other's faith. 

We are getting married in the Lutheran church, and he's ok with it because it is so important to me.  Even though I hate how much time the Knights sucks up and the weird (to me) meshing of church and corporation, I'd never ask him to quit because it is a big part of his faith life.  The only way to make an interfaith marriage work is to be respectful of each other's beliefs.  You don't have to agree with everything the other person believes, but you do have to be completely ok with them believing it. 

I'll be honest, I still have A LOT of issues with the Catholic church, but we're working it out together.  If life continued as it is right now, I think we'd both be perfectly happy; what to raise the future kids is the tough part.  We both had to get used to the idea that our kids are going to grow up differently than we did, regardless of the path we end up taking.  There is going to take quite a bit of compromise (from both of us).  Meet with pastors on both sides to learn all the options available to you, and know your comfort level with aspects of both of your faiths. 

Good luck to all the other interfaith couples out there!        

     

Calypso1977

We are getting married in the Lutheran church, and he's ok with it because it is so important to me. Even though I hate how much time the Knights sucks up and the weird (to me) meshing of church and corporation, I'd never ask him to quit because it is a big part of his faith life. 

do the Knights allow members who are not in good standing?  because once he marries in the lutheran church (unless the aforemention dispensation as been acquired) he will nto  be considered a member in good standing.  so he is really willing to never receive communion again or fully participate in the catholic church?

doesnt entirely seem fair.  you can marry in a catholic church and still fully practice your lutheran faith.  if you marry in a lutheran church without dispensation he cannot practice his faith.  you may want to revisit this decision with him and make sure he fully understands the implications of what he is doing.

Jtsma10

To both Carrie and Calypso, each Priest is different, each church is different. We spoke with his Priest and he is more than happy to preside over the wedding at the hotel. The church we attend is very cultural. 70% black, 20% Hispanic and 10% White. We are very excited for our wedding, thanks for all your help ladies!

agapecarrie

It's not about priest's being different. It is about them following canon law, which he will not be doing. This is very suspicious, and its very likely your marriage will not be valid.  I would inquire further. Asking about whether you will be getting the necessary dispensation is a starting point. 

Are you absolutely certain that this parish is a canonical parish of the diocese, or approved mission/etc.

monkeysip

Exactly what Carrie said.

Priests do NOT have the right to officiate a marriage outside the church except by permission from the Bishop, and it's very unlikely for a Bishop to approve it just so you can get married in a hotel.

It doesn't matter if your church is very "cultural," whatever that means.

ootmother2

mchuskerfan said:

I am in a similar situation--I am a member of a United Church of Christ congregation and FI is Catholic.  It became apparent early on in our relationship that our faith was important to both of us.  It also was obvious that while we agreed on the overwhelming majority of it, there were significant obstacles which made it unlikely that either of us would convert.  So we are doing a two church marriage.  We know it is going to be difficult, but we are both committed to doing it this way.

To answer your question.  Yes you can get married even though only FI is Catholic.  You have three options as to how to handle the wedding (1) get married in his Catholic Church, (2) obtain a dispensation and get married in your Methodist Church, or (3) ignore the Catholic Church and get married wherever you want.  (I would strongly recommend against option #3 If you choose #3, the Catholic Church will not recognize your marriage and he will not. be able to receive the sacraments, and it will likely cause family drama.   Therefore, while this is theoretically an option it is a nonstarter if his Catholic faith is important to him.)

If you elect either #1 or #2, it is permissible that the other party's pastor/priest can participate.  We elected to get married in FI's Catholic Church and have my minister read scriptures, say a few words, stand with the priest as we say our vows, and offer a blessing. 

Mass--You can have the wedding either with the Eucharist or outside of mass.  We elected not to have the Eucharist as we wanted a ceremony focused on uniting us as husband and wife, and not have our first act highlight a division between us and between our families. 

Some other advice:

1.  Definitely work with both his priest and your pastor.  Both denominations want your marriage to succeed.  The priest and pastor are excellent resource as you prepare for the wedding and afterwards in your married life.  Take advantage of both resources.

2.  Find couples in a Catholic/Protestant marriage who can be role models or mentors for you.  Both your pastor and his priest might have couples that they can suggest you talk to.  You might also find them in other places too.  For us, FI has a friend who is a staunch Catholic from a staunchly Catholic family (uncle is a priest, also has nuns in the family) who is married to a staunch Baptist.  They make it work. 

3.  Determine how worship attendance will  be handled.  For us, we have agreed that we will  attend each others church at least once per month.  The other weeks we will likely go to our own services, but sometimes we may alter that and go to two services on a weekend.

4.  Adopt faith practices that you both share.  For us, it is praying together at meals.  We also spend time discussing the sermon/homily after we attend a service together.  We are exploring the possibility of setting time aside for a daily devotional together.   

5.  Get involved in both churches.  A lot churches have social groups (i.e.young adults, married couples, etc.), book clubs or sports leagues.  Pick groups in both churches that match your interests.  It will allow you to feel included in both communities. 

6.  Learn about each others faith.  Previous posters have mentioned RCIA,but both churches have other educational opportunities.  For me, one of the best things that I did was to participate in a Bible study in my church about the Last Supper.  It helped me to understand why our two churches view the Eucharist differently.

7.  Set boundaries with family.  You may find yourself under pressure from FI's family to conform to their religious preferences (and vice versa).  You need to tell them that it is your marriage and that you will address issues regarding your different faith backgrounds as a couple and that they need to butt  out (more politely of course).  It is important that you deal with your family and your FI deal with his on this issue.

8.  Be open in the marriage preparation process.  The Catholic Church will require you to do their marraige prep, even though you aren't Catholic.  I found a lot of it to be helpful, but there were times I did feel like a second-class Christian.  We took the FOCCUS inventory, and discussed our answers with FI's priest.  It helped us  to identify issues we needed to discuss further.  We  also did a weekend retreat--I was not as impressed with it.

9.  Children.  This is a tough issue.  Your FI will have to promise to use his best efforts to raise any children Catholic.  You as a non-Catholic make no such promise; you acknowledge that you are aware of FI's promise.  Ultimately,you two as a couple in prayerful consultation with God  will decide the religious education of your children. 

Good luck and God bless

Edit:  To add paragraphs that did not post the first time.

This lady seems to well know what she's talking about and presents the most reasonable replies.

 

Good luck

[Deleted User]

I do have a question and this seems to be perhaps the best thread to post it in as the advice given here is extremely helpful...

As mentioned in my pp, I am the non-Catholic in the relationship however my fiance was not attending for a very long time and is now completing RCIA- he is not familiar with the order of the Rite of Marriage outside Mass so he was unable to answer my question...

I read on the catholicweddinghelp.com site regarding the processional that the Priest processes, along with the bride and groom with their parents...but both my groom and I would prefer that he stand up front and my father walk me down the aisle to him. I fully understand that this tradition stems from the father literally "giving away" his daughter like a business transaction...however to my father, my FI, and I it means that my father is literally entrusting his daughter to FI to take care of and be the head of the household just like my father has always been in our house. Is this an option? Has anyone done this in their own ceremony?

Jtsma10

monkeysip said:

Exactly what Carrie said.

Priests do NOT have the right to officiate a marriage outside the church except by permission from the Bishop, and it's very unlikely for a Bishop to approve it just so you can get married in a hotel.

It doesn't matter if your church is very "cultural," whatever that means.

Whatever that means? WOW. I posted on here looking for help and advice, not for snarky and rude comments. I'm sorry if people find it hard to believe but that's not my problem. Most of you are trying to find any reason as to why I am wrong or why this can't happen. I feel sorry for you. My FI and will be discussing this with his Priest more indepth but it won't be any of your concern as to what happens next. Blessings to your weddings or marriages, I pray you find more supportive women than what you have been to me. I'll be praying for you all.

By the way, women like you are the exact reason why I will not be turning Catholic. You all care more about the laws and rules then the relationship. Thank you for showing me the real side of Catholic women.

professorscience

Jtsma10 said:

show previous quotes

monkeysip said:

Exactly what Carrie said.

Priests do NOT have the right to officiate a marriage outside the church except by permission from the Bishop, and it's very unlikely for a Bishop to approve it just so you can get married in a hotel.

It doesn't matter if your church is very "cultural," whatever that means.

Whatever that means? WOW. I posted on here looking for help and advice, not for snarky and rude comments. I'm sorry if people find it hard to believe but that's not my problem. Most of you are trying to find any reason as to why I am wrong or why this can't happen. I feel sorry for you. My FI and will be discussing this with his Priest more indepth but it won't be any of your concern as to what happens next. Blessings to your weddings or marriages, I pray you find more supportive women than what you have been to me. I'll be praying for you all.

By the way, women like you are the exact reason why I will not be turning Catholic. You all care more about the laws and rules then the relationship. Thank you for showing me the real side of Catholic women.

Everyone here has been nothing but kind to you.  There's absolutely no excuse for your reaction.  Part of being CHRISTIAN is obeying the laws set forth by God.  Yes, He loves you and wants you to be happy, but He also wants you to obey his commandments.  The members of this forum telling you that something is wrong is not judgmental, it is not "caring more about the laws than the relationship," and it is not rude or snarky.  It is genuine concern for your (and your FI's) spiritual well-being.  The simple fact, as pointed out by many women, is that your hotel wedding would not be valid, which would bar your FI from the sacraments, and if his faith is important to him, that is A BIG DEAL.

So stop looking for reasons to be mad at Catholics.

professorscience

TexasBride2014 said:

I do have a question and this seems to be perhaps the best thread to post it in as the advice given here is extremely helpful...

As mentioned in my pp, I am the non-Catholic in the relationship however my fiance was not attending for a very long time and is now completing RCIA- he is not familiar with the order of the Rite of Marriage outside Mass so he was unable to answer my question...

I read on the catholicweddinghelp.com site regarding the processional that the Priest processes, along with the bride and groom with their parents...but both my groom and I would prefer that he stand up front and my father walk me down the aisle to him. I fully understand that this tradition stems from the father literally "giving away" his daughter like a business transaction...however to my father, my FI, and I it means that my father is literally entrusting his daughter to FI to take care of and be the head of the household just like my father has always been in our house. Is this an option? Has anyone done this in their own ceremony?

The traditional way is what you described, because it symbolizes that the bride and groom are entering into the marriage together, rather than one being "given" to the other.

That said, I only know of one bride here who did it that way.  I think most of us were escorted by our dads, and there shouldn't be any problem with that -- talk to the priest handling your ceremony.

agapecarrie

Jtsma10 said:

show previous quotes

monkeysip said:

Exactly what Carrie said.

Priests do NOT have the right to officiate a marriage outside the church except by permission from the Bishop, and it's very unlikely for a Bishop to approve it just so you can get married in a hotel.

It doesn't matter if your church is very "cultural," whatever that means.

Whatever that means? WOW. I posted on here looking for help and advice, not for snarky and rude comments. I'm sorry if people find it hard to believe but that's not my problem. Most of you are trying to find any reason as to why I am wrong or why this can't happen. I feel sorry for you. My FI and will be discussing this with his Priest more indepth but it won't be any of your concern as to what happens next. Blessings to your weddings or marriages, I pray you find more supportive women than what you have been to me. I'll be praying for you all.

By the way, women like you are the exact reason why I will not be turning Catholic. You all care more about the laws and rules then the relationship. Thank you for showing me the real side of Catholic women.

Actually, it is a concern to us. When Catholics leave the faith, that effects the WHOLE Catholic church. When people live in invalid marriages, they don't have the grace from the sacraments, that effects everyone. 

If someone is about to drink poison unknowingly, is the loving thing to do to say "oh, I don't judge...go ahead....its not my concern." or, would it be better to stop them and warn them? 

us saying "its hard to believe" is trying to softly express that this simply doesnt' happen. It's not in canon law, therefore the marriage won't be valid (unless there is some exception being made for some really bizarre circumstance and a dispensation is given). This isn't caring more about rules than people. This is caring about you and warning you that there is something not right about the situation. Explaining to you that getting married at a hotel, for simple convenience sake is really selling yourself short of the beauty of the church community. 

agapecarrie

And to say that we care more about rules than the relationship and not returning to the church is really really rotten.

Have you ever had a bad teacher? so is the whole entire idea of sending children to school wrong? no. The faith is the faith, filled with sinners. 

We are warning you because we care about your relationship and want to you have the grace from the sacraments.