Getting married before destination wedding?

phira

I would be very upset if I attended a wedding of two people who had secretly gotten married for convenience (didn't want to deal with signing the papers elsewhere, wanted to share benefits, etc). So, enough of this, "My guests wouldn't care because they love me!" How about showing some appreciation for your guests by actually getting married in front of them?

The papers are your wedding. They're your marriage. If it's so important for you to get married in Mexico or abroad, then you suffer through the paperwork. If the paperwork is too much, then don't get married there. Plenty of us have weddings that don't match up with the vision we originally had; I'm not going to be irresponsible and take out a loan just so I can get married at my dream venue. But have some respect for your guests here. In the case of a destination wedding, they've traveled a long way and paid a lot of money to see you get married. And they won't. Because you're not actually getting married during your event.

mrs4everhart

phira said:

I would be very upset if I attended a wedding of two people who had secretly gotten married for convenience (didn't want to deal with signing the papers elsewhere, wanted to share benefits, etc). So, enough of this, "My guests wouldn't care because they love me!" How about showing some appreciation for your guests by actually getting married in front of them?

The papers are your wedding. They're your marriage. If it's so important for you to get married in Mexico or abroad, then you suffer through the paperwork. If the paperwork is too much, then don't get married there. Plenty of us have weddings that don't match up with the vision we originally had; I'm not going to be irresponsible and take out a loan just so I can get married at my dream venue. But have some respect for your guests here. In the case of a destination wedding, they've traveled a long way and paid a lot of money to see you get married. And they won't. Because you're not actually getting married during your event.

Then I expect all brides to stop the white frilly dress, first dance, taste my cake nonsense immediately. They should all just report to their nearest courthouse in the morning. This logic makes every bride seem AWish. And all weddings beyond signing paperwork sound unnecessary. 

Jells2dot0

STBMrsEverhart said:

phira said:

I would be very upset if I attended a wedding of two people who had secretly gotten married for convenience (didn't want to deal with signing the papers elsewhere, wanted to share benefits, etc). So, enough of this, "My guests wouldn't care because they love me!" How about showing some appreciation for your guests by actually getting married in front of them?

The papers are your wedding. They're your marriage. If it's so important for you to get married in Mexico or abroad, then you suffer through the paperwork. If the paperwork is too much, then don't get married there. Plenty of us have weddings that don't match up with the vision we originally had; I'm not going to be irresponsible and take out a loan just so I can get married at my dream venue. But have some respect for your guests here. In the case of a destination wedding, they've traveled a long way and paid a lot of money to see you get married. And they won't. Because you're not actually getting married during your event.

Then I expect all brides to stop the white frilly dress, first dance, taste my cake nonsense immediately. They should all just report to their nearest courthouse in the morning. This logic makes every bride seem AWish. And all weddings beyond signing paperwork sound unnecessary. 

you are right- all weddings beyond the paperwork are completely optional and unnecessary. People just choose to share that moment of legality with others and then throw a party to thank their guests for joining in their day! Again, it's optional, and many people chose not to do all of that optional stuff because it's really only the papers that count. However, the wedding industry tries to tell you that signing the papers is not good enough. You have to have some fancy affair that costs tens of thousands of dollars to make the marriage seem real. That is all a bunch of crap. It makes those who can't afford big parties or those who don't want to have big parties feel like that what they are doing isn't good enough or isn't real. It's total bullshit. Anyone can throw a party to celebrate their marriage, and obviously, most people do. But, the point is to not pretend like the actual marriage didn't occur if you already are legally married.

FWIW, to everyone in general, I still do not for the life of me understand why someone would choose a location abroad for a wedding without any real ties to the location (other than it is pretty) and then scoff at the legal requirements and do their best to avoid them. If you don't like them, don't freaking get married there! Get married where you can have a legally binding ceremony and this whole issue is avoided. If you claim that you don't like the fees in Mexico and you think they are ripping you off, then don't give Mexico your business! It's simple, plan your wedding elsewhere. And if you say you can't afford anything else, then guess what? Maybe you can't afford the wedding you want. You'll just have come back to reality and have one of those weddings that aren't real or good enough or delay the wedding until you can afford what you want.

edit- sentence was originally cut off.

climbingsingle

STBMrsEverhart said:

DreamsBride411 said:

I can't get over how bunched some of your panties are!

Your guests are going to give approximately zero fcuks that you signed a legal document a minute before you left to get married once they're on the beach, in the sun, sipping slushy mudslides.  Your marriage will not be a sham or a vow renewal or a reenactment. 

I brought my pastor with us to Mexico when I got married a million years ago.  Whether we signed our marriage doc at home or in MX made absolutely no difference - I just didn't want any chance to lose the paperwork, so we did it right before we left, it was signed, sealed and delivered before it could get lost in a foreign country.  

Our wedding anniversary is 4/11/09 - the day we said our vows on the beach in Mexico, not 4/6/09, the day we signed a paper over spaghetti and meatballs in my BFF's living room.  

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am giving you a standing ovation in my living room right now!!!

I'm curious if your screen name denotes your wedding location (a Dreams resort) and if so if you'd tell me which one and if you loved it!?

You need the pipe the eff down. YOU ARE LYING TO YOUR GUESTS. 

MobKaz

STBMrsEverhart said:

mobkaz said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

Rikalarson said:

Ok, ok, perhaps it is just the people that I have spoken to who did not find it unusual to get legally married just before their destination wedding celebration. My apologies for lumping. 

Again, I realize this topic seems to touch a nerve with people. All I wanted to say was that I very much do understand OP's dilemma and both sides/opinions on the topic.

I don't think it's regional thinking per se, but we live in Colorado and are friends with three couples that got married here (two before, one after) and then had weddings in different areas of Mexico. It is really normal here, everyone you talk to automatically accepts it or expects it as just what happens with DW's to Mexico. The Mexican government is looking to gouge tourists. Um. no thanks!

Three couples = normal?  Since when?  Could you make a more sweeping generalization than saying "everyone"?  How kind, and arrogant, of you to speak on the entire behalf of the state of Colorado. 

Three that we know personally, TONS more by way of friends/relatives of friends. Yes, among many, it's very normal. After living here as long as I have I feel I can speak pretty well about what's "normal" here. No, not everyone here calls in sick on fresh powder days, likes craft beer and summer shows at Red Rocks (whilst enjoying our amazing legal weed) - but we didn't get our stereotypes for no good reason! We have a large population of people who vacation in Mexico very frequently. It's not surprising many of us choose it as a wedding destination. That we prefer to not spend hundreds of dollars more making it legal there bc some women on the internet might poo poo it just makes us practical. 

What it makes you is a liar.

pumpkinsandturkeys

Jells2dot0 said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

phira said:

I would be very upset if I attended a wedding of two people who had secretly gotten married for convenience (didn't want to deal with signing the papers elsewhere, wanted to share benefits, etc). So, enough of this, "My guests wouldn't care because they love me!" How about showing some appreciation for your guests by actually getting married in front of them?

The papers are your wedding. They're your marriage. If it's so important for you to get married in Mexico or abroad, then you suffer through the paperwork. If the paperwork is too much, then don't get married there. Plenty of us have weddings that don't match up with the vision we originally had; I'm not going to be irresponsible and take out a loan just so I can get married at my dream venue. But have some respect for your guests here. In the case of a destination wedding, they've traveled a long way and paid a lot of money to see you get married. And they won't. Because you're not actually getting married during your event.

Then I expect all brides to stop the white frilly dress, first dance, taste my cake nonsense immediately. They should all just report to their nearest courthouse in the morning. This logic makes every bride seem AWish. And all weddings beyond signing paperwork sound unnecessary. 

you are right- all weddings beyond the paperwork are completely optional and unnecessary. People just choose to share that moment of legality with others and then throw a party to thank their guests for joining in their day! Again, it's optional, and many people chose not to do all of that optional stuff because it's really only the papers that count. However, the wedding industry tries to tell you that signing the papers is not good enough. You have to have some fancy affair that costs tens of thousands of dollars to make the marriage seem real. That is all a bunch of crap. It makes those who can't afford big parties or those who don't want to have big parties feel like that what they are doing isn't good enough or isn't real. It's total bullshit. Anyone can throw a party to celebrate their marriage, and obviously, most people do. But, the point is to not pretend like the actual marriage didn't occur if you already are legally married.

FWIW, to everyone in general, I still do not for the life of me understand why someone would choose a location abroad for a wedding without any real ties to the location (other than it is pretty) and then scoff at the legal requirements and do their best to avoid them. If you don't like them, don't freaking get married there! Get married where you can have a legally binding ceremony and this whole issue is avoided. If you claim that you don't like the fees in Mexico and you think they are ripping you off, then don't give Mexico your business! It's simple, plan your wedding elsewhere. And if you say you can't afford anything else, then guess what? Maybe you can't afford the wedding you want. You'll just have come back to reality and have one of those weddings that aren't real or good enough or delay the wedding until you can afford what you want.

edit- sentence was originally cut off.

THIS. A million times, this.

And the part afterwards (ie: reception) is not technically a wedding. It's a celebration, as Jells pointed out. And a reception celebration is, as stated above, hosted to thank guests for witnessing and sharing in the couple's marriage ceremony. Nothing beyond the ceremony is a wedding!

DreamsBride411 said:

I can't get over how bunched some of your panties are!

Your guests are going to give approximately zero fcuks that you signed a legal document a minute before you left to get married once they're on the beach, in the sun, sipping slushy mudslides.  Your marriage will not be a sham or a vow renewal or a reenactment. 

I brought my pastor with us to Mexico when I got married a million years ago.  Whether we signed our marriage doc at home or in MX made absolutely no difference - I just didn't want any chance to lose the paperwork, so we did it right before we left, it was signed, sealed and delivered before it could get lost in a foreign country.  

Our wedding anniversary is 4/11/09 - the day we said our vows on the beach in Mexico, not 4/6/09, the day we signed a paper over spaghetti and meatballs in my BFF's living room.  

You're missing the part where you didn't leave to get married. You left, married. You then hosted a vow renewal/reenactment, because that's all it can be once you're legally married. No one is saying the whole marriage is a sham -- we're saying that you can't tout your trip abroad as a marriage ceremony and post-ceremony reception. Technically, it's ALL a post-ceremony reception because your actual marriage ceremony was when you signed that legal document.

The day you celebrated being married may be the day you stood on the beach in Mexico. However, your wedding date (and the government will tell you the same thing) is the day you signed a paper over spaghetti and meatballs.

I'm not trying to be rude or snide -- these are just the facts. You don't have to respect traditional etiquette and host a reception on the day of your marriage ceremony. But as I said before, you cannot make sweeping generalisations about how your guests will feel regarding thinking they're being invited to witness a marriage ceremony and finding out that that wasn't actually the moment you legally committed yourselves to each other. Everyone responds differently, and this thread is proof enough that some people are fine with not having a disclaimer about it, and others take it very personally.

Anyone can go abroad for great food and a great party at any time. If that's all it is, you should let them choose whether or not they want to partake, or sit this one out.

happyfor25

I am in the minority in that I really don't mind attending a "PPD" and have attended several.  I, of course, knew they were already married.  If they weren't honest up front and I found out later that they were already married, I would have felt differently.

I feel that a DW takes it to a different level altogether.  You are asking people to spend a considerable amount of money to attend a wedding.  It is really unfair to expect that of your family and friends but not be willing to jump through whatever hoops are required in your destination (which you are choosing, not your guests)  BTW, I HATE the beach so coming to your wedding at a beach location would not be my choice of vacation destination.  I would be going ONLY to see my loved one get married.  FTR, I actually find DWs in general very selfish.

I just really don't understand WHY these brides are choosing a DW?  If the requirements are too difficult and you want to "sign the papers" in the US, why are you not having the wedding in the US?  

Oh and guess what?  If something were to prevent you from traveling for the "PPD" after signing your marriage certificate...you will still be married!  You will still have all the benefits marriage provides!  You will need to file for divorce if you split up! 

25 years ago my husband and I got married at the JOP with the plan to have our "wedding" 6 months later (long story; we were young and immature).  Circumstances prevented this from happening and my family and friends were very hurt by our plans for several reasons...they weren't able to see us actually get married, we lied by omission about being married, etc.  So, in the end, the JOP ceremony, in our jeans, that we did not take seriously because it wasn't going to be our "wedding" was our wedding.  We didn't even take a single picture!  Yep, we're still married so that paper signing stuck!

ETA:  Please be sure that you will be OK with your JOP ceremony being your only wedding in the event that something awful happens that prevents you from having your spiritual/ceremonial/religious/whatever ceremony.  It can and does happen.

APDSS22

STBMrsEverhart said:

Rikalarson said:

Ok, ok, perhaps it is just the people that I have spoken to who did not find it unusual to get legally married just before their destination wedding celebration. My apologies for lumping. 

Again, I realize this topic seems to touch a nerve with people. All I wanted to say was that I very much do understand OP's dilemma and both sides/opinions on the topic.

I don't think it's regional thinking per se, but we live in Colorado and are friends with three couples that got married here (two before, one after) and then had weddings in different areas of Mexico. It is really normal here, everyone you talk to automatically accepts it or expects it as just what happens with DW's to Mexico. The Mexican government is looking to gouge tourists. Um. no thanks!

After living in Colorado as long as I did, it's not "really normal" there to run off to the courthouse so you can already be legally married then telling people you aren't so you can manipulate your friends and family into feeling the way you want them to when you pretend to get married (again) in Mexico.  It is a fairly common occurrence to have someone call in sick on a fresh powder day.  People there love concerts, local brew beer and legal weed.  Long sleeve fuzzy jackets, shorts and socks with sandals, dreadlocks and not shaving is a common look.  Just because a lot of people in Colorado live a relaxed lifestyle does not mean they are all rude a holes who like to lie to people.  I know plenty of people who live there/have lived there and are related to many others.  I actually do not know a single one who got legally married then made a lot of people pay a lot of money to pretend to get married again.

Jells2dot0

happyfor25 said:

I am in the minority in that I really don't mind attending a "PPD" and have attended several.  I, of course, knew they were already married.  If they weren't honest up front and I found out later that they were already married, I would have felt differently.

I feel that a DW takes it to a different level altogether.  You are asking people to spend a considerable amount of money to attend a wedding.  It is really unfair to expect that of your family and friends but not be willing to jump through whatever hoops are required in your destination (which you are choosing, not your guests)  BTW, I HATE the beach so coming to your wedding at a beach location would not be my choice of vacation destination.  I would be going ONLY to see my loved one get married.  FTR, I actually find DWs in general very selfish.

I just really don't understand WHY these brides are choosing a DW?  If the requirements are too difficult and you want to "sign the papers" in the US, why are you not having the wedding in the US?  

Oh and guess what?  If something were to prevent you from traveling for the "PPD" after signing your marriage certificate...you will still be married!  You will still have all the benefits marriage provides!  You will need to file for divorce if you split up! 

25 years ago my husband and I got married at the JOP with the plan to have our "wedding" 6 months later (long story; we were young and immature).  Circumstances prevented this from happening and my family and friends were very hurt by our plans for several reasons...they weren't able to see us actually get married, we lied by omission about being married, etc.  So, in the end, the JOP ceremony, in our jeans, that we did not take seriously because it wasn't going to be our "wedding" was our wedding.  We didn't even take a single picture!  Yep, we're still married so that paper signing stuck!

ETA:  Please be sure that you will be OK with your JOP ceremony being your only wedding in the event that something awful happens that prevents you from having your spiritual/ceremonial/religious/whatever ceremony.  It can and does happen.

This. Exactly.

flyingfoxes

Luckily I've never been invited to a DW, but for sure I would be kind of disgusted to find that we were going to watch a play-act of a wedding ceremony that wasn't the people actually getting married because they already had gotten married beforehand. 

I could have begged my fiance to go to the courthouse to get legally married before he shipped back to Afghanistan (as it is, if something were to happen to him, I would have to find out from him mom since I'm "just" his fiance), then had the "show" when he gets home, but what's special about that?  I want my wedding to be the day we GET MARRIED, which is the day we sign our papers AND have our ceremony and reception.  I want my loved ones to see the actual act of us getting married, not a play-act version of it. 

flyingfoxes

Oh - and my sister - who is lesbian - has to travel to another state to sign those pesky papers, so it's complete bullshit the people who treat that as just a little inconvenience and not really their wedding day. 

chibiyui

Quite honestly, I just wish people would stop having DWs in Mexico. Take your goddamn honeymoon there, visit the ruins, the sanitized clean parts where you don't have cops making you pay protection money, but just stop getting married there, pretend or legal.

mrs4everhart

ClimbingBrideNY said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

DreamsBride411 said:

I can't get over how bunched some of your panties are!

Your guests are going to give approximately zero fcuks that you signed a legal document a minute before you left to get married once they're on the beach, in the sun, sipping slushy mudslides.  Your marriage will not be a sham or a vow renewal or a reenactment. 

I brought my pastor with us to Mexico when I got married a million years ago.  Whether we signed our marriage doc at home or in MX made absolutely no difference - I just didn't want any chance to lose the paperwork, so we did it right before we left, it was signed, sealed and delivered before it could get lost in a foreign country.  

Our wedding anniversary is 4/11/09 - the day we said our vows on the beach in Mexico, not 4/6/09, the day we signed a paper over spaghetti and meatballs in my BFF's living room.  

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am giving you a standing ovation in my living room right now!!!

I'm curious if your screen name denotes your wedding location (a Dreams resort) and if so if you'd tell me which one and if you loved it!?

You need the pipe the eff down. YOU ARE LYING TO YOUR GUESTS. 

Fuck no. Not a snowball's chance in Mexico! 

mrs4everhart

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

Rikalarson said:

Ok, ok, perhaps it is just the people that I have spoken to who did not find it unusual to get legally married just before their destination wedding celebration. My apologies for lumping. 

Again, I realize this topic seems to touch a nerve with people. All I wanted to say was that I very much do understand OP's dilemma and both sides/opinions on the topic.

I don't think it's regional thinking per se, but we live in Colorado and are friends with three couples that got married here (two before, one after) and then had weddings in different areas of Mexico. It is really normal here, everyone you talk to automatically accepts it or expects it as just what happens with DW's to Mexico. The Mexican government is looking to gouge tourists. Um. no thanks!

After living in Colorado as long as I did, it's not "really normal" there to run off to the courthouse so you can already be legally married then telling people you aren't so you can manipulate your friends and family into feeling the way you want them to when you pretend to get married (again) in Mexico.  It is a fairly common occurrence to have someone call in sick on a fresh powder day.  People there love concerts, local brew beer and legal weed.  Long sleeve fuzzy jackets, shorts and socks with sandals, dreadlocks and not shaving is a common look.  Just because a lot of people in Colorado live a relaxed lifestyle does not mean they are all rude a holes who like to lie to people.  I know plenty of people who live there/have lived there and are related to many others.  I actually do not know a single one who got legally married then made a lot of people pay a lot of money to pretend to get married again.

Clearly, we hang out with vastly different crowds. Because yes, it's normal amongst many, many people we know. None of whom sport socks with sandals. 

mrs4everhart

chibiyui said:

Quite honestly, I just wish people would stop having DWs in Mexico. Take your goddamn honeymoon there, visit the ruins, the sanitized clean parts where you don't have cops making you pay protection money, but just stop getting married there, pretend or legal.

WTF do you care about people getting married in Mexico? If you don't care for the country don't go. But why should anyone make decisions about where they want to get married based on your extremely limited views of a great country?

mrs4everhart

Jells2dot0 said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

phira said:

I would be very upset if I attended a wedding of two people who had secretly gotten married for convenience (didn't want to deal with signing the papers elsewhere, wanted to share benefits, etc). So, enough of this, "My guests wouldn't care because they love me!" How about showing some appreciation for your guests by actually getting married in front of them?

The papers are your wedding. They're your marriage. If it's so important for you to get married in Mexico or abroad, then you suffer through the paperwork. If the paperwork is too much, then don't get married there. Plenty of us have weddings that don't match up with the vision we originally had; I'm not going to be irresponsible and take out a loan just so I can get married at my dream venue. But have some respect for your guests here. In the case of a destination wedding, they've traveled a long way and paid a lot of money to see you get married. And they won't. Because you're not actually getting married during your event.

Then I expect all brides to stop the white frilly dress, first dance, taste my cake nonsense immediately. They should all just report to their nearest courthouse in the morning. This logic makes every bride seem AWish. And all weddings beyond signing paperwork sound unnecessary. 

you are right- all weddings beyond the paperwork are completely optional and unnecessary. People just choose to share that moment of legality with others and then throw a party to thank their guests for joining in their day! Again, it's optional, and many people chose not to do all of that optional stuff because it's really only the papers that count. However, the wedding industry tries to tell you that signing the papers is not good enough. You have to have some fancy affair that costs tens of thousands of dollars to make the marriage seem real. That is all a bunch of crap. It makes those who can't afford big parties or those who don't want to have big parties feel like that what they are doing isn't good enough or isn't real. It's total bullshit. Anyone can throw a party to celebrate their marriage, and obviously, most people do. But, the point is to not pretend like the actual marriage didn't occur if you already are legally married.

FWIW, to everyone in general, I still do not for the life of me understand why someone would choose a location abroad for a wedding without any real ties to the location (other than it is pretty) and then scoff at the legal requirements and do their best to avoid them. If you don't like them, don't freaking get married there! Get married where you can have a legally binding ceremony and this whole issue is avoided. If you claim that you don't like the fees in Mexico and you think they are ripping you off, then don't give Mexico your business! It's simple, plan your wedding elsewhere. And if you say you can't afford anything else, then guess what? Maybe you can't afford the wedding you want. You'll just have come back to reality and have one of those weddings that aren't real or good enough or delay the wedding until you can afford what you want.

edit- sentence was originally cut off.

qmda76 said:

Oh - and my sister - who is lesbian - has to travel to another state to sign those pesky papers, so it's complete bullshit the people who treat that as just a little inconvenience and not really their wedding day. 

No, what is complete bullshit is that there are still states that do not extend gay people the same rights as straight people. Not only do I support marriage equality for all, I support the rights of these marrying couples to do so in whatever manner they choose. 

[Deleted User]

I think the arguments that are erupting over this topic are moving away from the main, overarching point of this whole discussion. And that's that couples, regardless of when they get married, or where they get married, or who they are getting married to, should go with the ceremony (legal, spiritual, huge party, no party, etc.) that they and their guests (if any) are most happy with. 

I don't think anyone is advocating not telling wedding guests if the couple has had a JOP wedding before a DW. People should, of course, answer truthfully any questions that may arise, and take into consideration that some of their guests might care if there was a JOP wedding before the DW, and some guests will not. 

I made the mistake earlier of saying that a marriage certificate was just a piece of paper without considering the other side of things, and I definitely didn't mean to offend anyone or their plans. At the same time, other people area belittling those who DO want to have a DW, insisting that it is "fake" or a PPD (a term I've really come to dislike) which isn't right either. Even worse are the comments saying that people need to just shut up or saying that couples should stop getting married in Mexico. I know it's a very personal subject and things get heated, but at least a rational opinion (for or against) is a beneficial addition to the discussion! 

APDSS22

Rikalarson said:

I think the arguments that are erupting over this topic are moving away from the main, overarching point of this whole discussion. And that's that couples, regardless of when they get married, or where they get married, or who they are getting married to, should go with the ceremony (legal, spiritual, huge party, no party, etc.) that they and their guests (if any) are most happy with. 

I don't think anyone is advocating not telling wedding guests if the couple has had a JOP wedding before a DW. People should, of course, answer truthfully any questions that may arise, and take into consideration that some of their guests might care if there was a JOP wedding before the DW, and some guests will not. 

I made the mistake earlier of saying that a marriage certificate was just a piece of paper without considering the other side of things, and I definitely didn't mean to offend anyone or their plans. At the same time, other people area belittling those who DO want to have a DW, insisting that it is "fake" or a PPD (a term I've really come to dislike) which isn't right either. Even worse are the comments saying that people need to just shut up or saying that couples should stop getting married in Mexico. I know it's a very personal subject and things get heated, but at least a rational opinion (for or against) is a beneficial addition to the discussion! 

Actually, STBMrsEverhart is.  That's her gameplan actually.  She's said so many, many times.  Otherwise, apparently her guests won't feel "in the moment".  She also must not know anyone over the age of 15 in Colorado if she has never seen anyone wear socks with sandals.  It's not just a stereotype, it's something that can be seen in any given coffeeshop/mall/parking lot any day of the week, any time of the year.

[Deleted User]

@TheFutureMrsRohlman22 I honestly can't find anywhere where she is saying that she advocates lying to guests, I just see that she feels that people won't care if someone has had a JOP wedding before the DW. Now wether or not that second part is true, is all part of this big conversation! 

I'm not going to comment on the Colorado thing since it's not even remotely associated with this topic.

APDSS22

@Rikalarson not in this thread, check her posting history.

chibiyui

STBMrsEverhart said:

chibiyui said:

Quite honestly, I just wish people would stop having DWs in Mexico. Take your goddamn honeymoon there, visit the ruins, the sanitized clean parts where you don't have cops making you pay protection money, but just stop getting married there, pretend or legal.

WTF do you care about people getting married in Mexico? If you don't care for the country don't go. But why should anyone make decisions about where they want to get married based on your extremely limited views of a great country?

I just think it tends to be a cop-out "nouveau riche" trend, like, all the beaches in the states aren't "exotic" enough for you. I understand most people have very good reasons for DW, but given how Mexico has more complicated marriage laws then the states, it doesn't seem logical to get married there unless you're actually Mexican.


And it is gorgeous, just be very careful if you step outside the tourist areas.

[Deleted User]

@TheFutureMrsRohlman22 Well, all I can say is that she didn't mention anything in her posts on this thread, so I can't find fault in something she didn't actually type in this conversation...

mrs4everhart

To be clear, I'm not advocating one way or the other. It means nothing to me whether people do, or do not tell their guests about their legal marital status prior to their DW. Makes zero difference to me. If someone doesn't care to divulge, I'm not offended.

MobKaz

Rikalarson said: @TheFutureMrsRohlman22 Well, all I can say is that she didn't mention anything in her posts on this thread, so I can't find fault in something she didn't actually type in this conversation...



In this thread, STB said........."

I can't be more sincere when I say, for us, the licensing ahead of time was just a means to an end involving health insurance and simply does not define our relationship or marital status. How the state views us and how we view us are two entirely separate things. In our view our wedding in September IS our (one and only) wedding, therefore there is no need to discuss the previous licensing with anyone. It makes no sense to attach a long, drawn out story to the facts of our wedding. As far as we are concerned our wedding is scheduled for this September.

A lie by omission is still a lie.

[Deleted User]

mobkaz said:

Rikalarson said:

@TheFutureMrsRohlman22 Well, all I can say is that she didn't mention anything in her posts on this thread, so I can't find fault in something she didn't actually type in this conversation...

In this thread, STB said........."

I can't be more sincere when I say, for us, the licensing ahead of time was just a means to an end involving health insurance and simply does not define our relationship or marital status. How the state views us and how we view us are two entirely separate things. In our view our wedding in September IS our (one and only) wedding, therefore there is no need to discuss the previous licensing with anyone. It makes no sense to attach a long, drawn out story to the facts of our wedding. As far as we are concerned our wedding is scheduled for this September.

A lie by omission is still a lie.

Ah, this is something I was wondering about myself. If you do have a JOP before a DW, what are people supposed to do in terms of letting people know? 

I'm all for telling people beforehand, but I mean, are couples supposed to make some announcement to all their guests? Mention it to people who ask? Mention it casually when talking to people about the wedding? Mention it to people who you think would be upset? 

Perhaps couples need to just use their best judgement for what is the best way to handle it, and there is no one size fits all answer. 

(whoops, sorry, edited because I had some formatting problems)

APDSS22

STBMrsEverhart said:

To be clear, I'm not advocating one way or the other. It means nothing to me whether people do, or do not tell their guests about their legal marital status prior to their DW. Makes zero difference to me. If someone doesn't care to divulge, I'm not offended.

Of course not, or you'd have to be offended at yourself since you're not telling all your guests that you'll be married prior to your "wedding".  By continuously spouting your personal opinion along with what you are planning to do, you are indeed "advocating" lying to guests so they can feel like it's an actual wedding rather than a play.

Jells2dot0

Rikalarson said:

mobkaz said:

Rikalarson said:

@TheFutureMrsRohlman22 Well, all I can say is that she didn't mention anything in her posts on this thread, so I can't find fault in something she didn't actually type in this conversation...

In this thread, STB said........."

I can't be more sincere when I say, for us, the licensing ahead of time was just a means to an end involving health insurance and simply does not define our relationship or marital status. How the state views us and how we view us are two entirely separate things. In our view our wedding in September IS our (one and only) wedding, therefore there is no need to discuss the previous licensing with anyone. It makes no sense to attach a long, drawn out story to the facts of our wedding. As far as we are concerned our wedding is scheduled for this September.

A lie by omission is still a lie.

Ah, this is something I was wondering about myself. If you do have a JOP before a DW, what are people supposed to do in terms of letting people know? 

I'm all for telling people beforehand, but I mean, are couples supposed to make some announcement to all their guests? Mention it to people who ask? Mention it casually when talking to people about the wedding? Mention it to people who you think would be upset? 

Perhaps couples need to just use their best judgement for what is the best way to handle it, and there is no one size fits all answer. 

(whoops, sorry, edited because I had some formatting problems)

Horrible formatting

When you send out invitations to your "DW", invite them to your celebration of marriage as opposed to your wedding. Or you can call it a vow renewal is that is also an accurate way to state what is really occurring. So, something like "Jane and John request the honor of your presence at their vow renewal". 

In another post you mentioned something about people saying DWs are lying to your guests. TOTALLY not what anyone is saying. If you have a DW and you are actually legally getting married during that ceremony (meaning the papers are signed as part of the events of the day) then that is certainly not lying. The swirl around MrsSTB is that she is already married. She signed her papers to obtain her DH's insurance. Nothing wrong with that. However, she is having a DW sometime this fall and is not telling anyone she is inviting that she is already married. So, her guests think she is actually getting married in Mexico. That is lying my omission. Her guests should have the right to know what they are attending, as traveling to Mexico can be pricey and requires taking time off of work. The guests should be able to choose if its worth their time and money to attend a vow renewal. It's not really proper etiquette to get married and then have a re-do, however, if you go that route and are honest with your guests, it's at least allowing guests to willingly make the decision to partake in the vow renewal. Family and friends are mostly not going to tell you the truth if you hurt their feelings or offend them, as they don't want to hurt your feelings. So, you should consider that some people will not want to travel to the vow renewal since it's not an actual wedding. Being honest is just the right thing to do and the right way to host guests and treat loved ones. 

[Deleted User]

@Jells2dot0 I think that sounds completely fair and understanding! We're trying our best to have a legal Mexican ceremony, but there are a few planning hiccups that may not make it possible so we're working with the knowledge that there is a low chance that we won't be able to have a legal one. In that case though, we would most likely go to the JOP right after we return. Depending on what happens, we would certainly let everyone know what exactly the deal is before they spend $$$$ to fly to Mexico! 

Jells2dot0

Rikalarson said:

@Jells2dot0 I think that sounds completely fair and understanding! We're trying our best to have a legal Mexican ceremony, but there are a few planning hiccups that may not make it possible so we're working with the knowledge that there is a low chance that we won't be able to have a legal one. In that case though, we would most likely go to the JOP right after we return. Depending on what happens, we would certainly let everyone know what exactly the deal is before they spend $$$$ to fly to Mexico! 

I think what you are planning sounds very fair. Especially the part about going to the JOP after the ceremony.

mrs4everhart

TheFutureMrsRohlman22 said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

To be clear, I'm not advocating one way or the other. It means nothing to me whether people do, or do not tell their guests about their legal marital status prior to their DW. Makes zero difference to me. If someone doesn't care to divulge, I'm not offended.

Of course not, or you'd have to be offended at yourself since you're not telling all your guests that you'll be married prior to your "wedding".  By continuously spouting your personal opinion along with what you are planning to do, you are indeed "advocating" lying to guests so they can feel like it's an actual wedding rather than a play.

The hell I'd be offended! I don't see anything wrong with our plan. If someone else were to emulate our plan, it wouldn't bother me at all. So sure, color me an advocate if you'd like! But in actuality, I'm neutral to others' plans, neither pro nor con. I just don't really care what others do in order to tie the knot. I can't imagine inquiring with my friends or family about their legal status prior to attending their wedding. Their changing legal status isn't at all why I'd ever attend a wedding whether local or out of the country.