Wedding Etiquette Forum

Destination Wedding Etiquette

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Re: Destination Wedding Etiquette

  • That is why I don't understand doing what you and others are doing.  It would just seem easier to have it local rather then having to plan two parties.
    Not everyone has a situation as easy as that.

    Both my H and I were not local to where we lived, so no matter where we had it, one side of the family would have to travel.  

    And if we had it where we lived, it was feasible cost wise to have as many people as we wanted to have.

    Therefore, DW, then parties in our hometowns to make our parents happy.  
    Ok, I will clarify. What I don't understand the need for multiple parties so that everyone under the sun can come and celebrate. Whatever happened to the good old days where you planned a party, invited people and then were just happy with whoever could make it? I don't and will not understand the point of a DW and then two different parties in two different hometowns just to appease everyone. Invite people to one event. If they can make it great, if not that sucks but such is life. Having multiple parties to celebrate one event, to me, seems very "look at me!" and gift grabby.

    PrettyGirlLost[Deleted User]msuprincess04AddieCake
  • That is why I don't understand doing what you and others are doing.  It would just seem easier to have it local rather then having to plan two parties.
    Not everyone has a situation as easy as that.

    Both my H and I were not local to where we lived, so no matter where we had it, one side of the family would have to travel.  

    And if we had it where we lived, it was feasible cost wise to have as many people as we wanted to have.

    Therefore, DW, then parties in our hometowns to make our parents happy.  
    Ok, I will clarify. What I don't understand the need for multiple parties so that everyone under the sun can come and celebrate. Whatever happened to the good old days where you planned a party, invited people and then were just happy with whoever could make it? I don't and will not understand the point of a DW and then two different parties in two different hometowns just to appease everyone. Invite people to one event. If they can make it great, if not that sucks but such is life. Having multiple parties to celebrate one event, to me, seems very "look at me!" and gift grabby.
    I wasn't a huge fan of the idea, but my very diva-like H was insistent upon it.  It became a joke really.  But we did spread by word of mouth (through our parents and what not) that these were not gift giving events.  Just parties so we could meet each other's extended families.

    However, being that MIL and FIL couldn't attend the DW due to a really bad car accident, it was really nice to have the party planned for his parents.


    sexy, harry styles, best song ever, cute, beautiful, asdjglñlñ, marcel
  • What I don't understand @STBMrsEverhart is if you want to celebrate your marriage with all of these people then why would you plan a destination wedding knowing that you would then have to have two different parties?  Why not just plan a wedding at home where you can then include everyone on your wedding day?  That is what I don't understand with your plans and many other brides who want to have a DW but also want a AHR because they can't or don't want to invite everyone to the first event.

    For example, H and I were considering a wedding on the Eastern Shore (about 3 or so hours from our and about 90% of our guests) but after thinking about it we realized that many of the people that we would want at our wedding wouldn't be able to come since it would require a night's stay. So instead of just going on with our Eastern Shore wedding plans we ended up having it local so that our nearest and dearest could come.  Yes, we could have had our wedding as originally planned and then had a party at a later date for all those that couldn't make it but, in our minds, that just didn't make sense when we easily could just have it local and make it easier for everyone to be able to come.

    That is why I don't understand doing what you and others are doing.  It would just seem easier to have it local rather then having to plan two parties.
    Again, I can only speak for us, not other couples bc obviously I don't know strangers financial situations. For us to have a nice wedding (nothing over-the-top, expensive or grandiose) in a location we and our guests would enjoy, that we could afford without one of us selling a kidney, a DW was the way to go. We are inviting approximately 40 people. Of which we have reason to believe only about 20-25 will come, although they could all surprise us, who knows. The DW package is going to cost us between $3500 and $4000 (tax and grat included). If we were to have a wedding and reception here, in Denver, and invite everyone who we're inviting to Mexico PLUS all the people we'd have at the AHR, there's not a snowball's chance in hell we could pull that off for $4000. That's $20 per person, inclusive of tax and gratuity if we got the list to 200 (and they all said yes, or at least you need to budget for all yeses to start). That's simply not doable, especially for what is offered in our wedding package, versus paying for all the same goods and services a la carte here). Our AHR, maybe I should call it a welcome home party instead to remove the wedding reception connotation, is going to cost us about $1000. We can pull this off because our friend is giving us the space, a tequila company is donating about a case of tequila for margaritas, another friend in the business is giving us a keg, and the bar owner's not really charging us much over cost for food. This isn't the norm for everyone, obviously. But it's the best of all possible worlds for us and our guests. Additionally, our VIP's (let's face it, we all have them. The parents of the B&G will always trump the dude from accounting, KWIM?) all have to travel. So if they're traveling to Mexico or traveling to Colorado, what difference does it make? Colorado is neither cheap to get to nor cheap to stay in. And actually for some of our traveling guests, MX is a quicker flight! 

    I agreed with your thoughts that if a couple is hosting a blowout AHR, it does seem a little hinky, but in our case, pulling off a big ass party - free of cake cutting, first dances, flowers, garters, etc. for only $1000 is doable and makes sense. 

    But no matter what, I personally would be flattered if a couple invited us to their AHR. We enjoy parties with our friends and loved ones. I'd rather go enjoy myself and my friend's hospitality than be bitter I wasn't "important" enough to be invited to their wedding. That's just us and I understand that etiquette trumps fun for some people. I expect if we invite anyone who feels that way to the at home party, they will not join us, as is their right.
  • But you're already married, so your situation is not even a DW.  You're having a destination reception and an AHR which is excessive.
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    MobKaz
  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited January 2014
    laurynm84 said:
    But you're already married, so your situation is not even a DW.  You're having a destination reception and an AHR which is excessive.
    Oh, I haven't even begun to pull out excessive. I could. But I'd rather not. It's all pretty damn low key in fact. We could be embarking on an engagement party, shower(s), bachelor/ette parties, a bridal party, a whole 'nother reception at home afterward replete with a second round of toasts, cake cutting, first dance, all of it. But we're not.  

    If your attempt was to get me involved with some stupid argument where you can attempt to belittle our wedding whilst making yourself sound like a high school student, please, don't waste your time. I've said it before and I'll say it again, we're psyched for our wedding in whatever form or fashion it ended up, and trying to make me feel bad about it just ends up making you look small and petty. 
  • laurynm84 said:
    laurynm84 said:
    But you're already married, so your situation is not even a DW.  You're having a destination reception and an AHR which is excessive.
    Oh, I haven't even begun to pull out excessive. I could. But I'd rather not. It's all pretty damn low key in fact. We could be embarking on an engagement party, shower(s), bachelor/ette parties, a bridal party, a whole 'nother reception at home afterward replete with a second round of toasts, cake cutting, first dance, all of it. But we're not.  

    If your attempt was to get me involved with some stupid argument where you can attempt to belittle our wedding whilst making yourself sound like a high school student, please, don't waste your time. I've said it before and I'll say it again, we're psyched for our wedding in whatever form or fashion it ended up, and trying to make me feel bad about it just ends up making you look small and petty. 
    No that was not my intent at all; now you're the one being presumptuous. You take over every thread involving destination weddings. I was just reminding people that your DW isn't really a wedding. Sorry, but it's not. It doesn't matter what you think it is, and I don't really care what you do; it's your life. However, you shouldn't be giving advice to the poor OP when your "wedding" is so far off the etiquette chart.  

    And I'm sorry, but I think most people here think that 1 wedding at the court house, 1 wedding in Mexico, and 1 AHR is excessive, unnecessary and Attention whorish. 
    1. I don't think answering questions directed to oneself is "taking over" anything. I think it's kind of rude to not answer a direct question. I also think it's beyond ridiculous to not answer any question posited on a board such as this when you have direct, first hand knowledge and the ability to answer.

    2. I'll give advice to whom, when and where and as often as I see fit. Much like I'll wed.

    3. I'm sure in a lifetime as colorful as I have lived thus far, "Attention Whore" isn't the worst thing I've ever been called. 
  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2014
    laurynm84 said:
    But you're already married, so your situation is not even a DW.  You're having a destination reception and an AHR which is excessive.




    Thank you.  I have been screaming silently here in my office.  I too, recall that STBMrs.Everhart is holding a PPD several months after her marriage in Colorado.  I also know from other threads that she makes NO bones about lying to her guests...except she doesn't call it lying.  I pledged, along with some other posters, to stop feeding this troll-like poster when she begins these inane "arguments" .  
    huskypuppy14mimiphin
  • Y'all look so stupid it's unreal. SMDH. 
  • Wow, @mobkaz, you've really outdone yourself! That's a super sweet graphic you're trying for a sick burn with, since you "pledged, along with some other posters, to stop feeding this troll-like poster when she begins these inane "arguments." I really love how someone is a "troll" because they do not agree with the majority. How very elementary school. 

    I do have to tell you though, I'm excited about this pledge from you and some others. I'm hoping since you all will not deign to type anything to me, you all start posting videos of yourselves in the throes of interpretive dance to get your points across. Barring that small miracle I hope you realize my sole purpose posting on these boards is to help lurkers realize there's more important things in life than worrying about if a few people will judge their decisions. That you won't communicate with me, I say thank fucking god! That a few lurkers should one day look back on their lives, like I will, and say, wow, it might not have been etiquette approved but I'm so thankful I had the wedding (or party, or whatever) I wanted, because those that judged me offer me no wonderful memories, but my wedding sure does.
  • @fuzzybuttstinkyface

    After reading through this thread I figured I should point out that wherever you are considering having your destination you should check in to what requirements they have for you to get legally married over there. In some countries it can be difficult so people get married at home right before they leave which is not looked on too kindly.

    Also this may not be an issue for you but a friend of my cousins had a destination wedding at, I think, a sandals resort and really pushes them to book there for a certain number of days with their name, use a certain person for flights etc and it was because they were getting comped for getting people to do it. I remember my cousin saying she was basically paying for the trip and the friends wedding and all they had to do was get the dress and a cake(it was an all inclusive so the reception was tech paid by the guests) and she was not happy about it. And she was the maid of honor, so very close to the person, didn't say anything but annoyed.
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  • edited January 2014
    mobkaz said:
    laurynm84 said:
    But you're already married, so your situation is not even a DW.  You're having a destination reception and an AHR which is excessive.




    Thank you.  I have been screaming silently here in my office.  I too, recall that STBMrs.Everhart is holding a PPD several months after her marriage in Colorado.  I also know from other threads that she makes NO bones about lying to her guests...except she doesn't call it lying.  I pledged, along with some other posters, to stop feeding this troll-like poster when she begins these inane "arguments" .  

     

     

     

    I should have come over here before trying to get an answer from STB on the DW board! I am trying to figure out WHY she is even bothering to have anything in Mexico since she is already married and just didn't want to adhere to the requirements in Mexico. Now I'm even more perplexed because of the AHR.

     

    edit: format

     







    mimiphin
  • mobkaz said:
    laurynm84 said:
    But you're already married, so your situation is not even a DW.  You're having a destination reception and an AHR which is excessive.




    Thank you.  I have been screaming silently here in my office.  I too, recall that STBMrs.Everhart is holding a PPD several months after her marriage in Colorado.  I also know from other threads that she makes NO bones about lying to her guests...except she doesn't call it lying.  I pledged, along with some other posters, to stop feeding this troll-like poster when she begins these inane "arguments" .  

     

     

     

    I should have come over here before trying to get an answer from STB on the DW board! I am trying to figure out WHY she is even bothering to have anything in Mexico since she is already married and just didn't want to adhere to the requirements in Mexico. Now I'm even more perplexed because of the AHR.

     

    edit: format

    She feels none of her friends will have a fulfilled life unless it includes a memory of her lie fest.  She also needed to rip off the government for benefits that only apply to married people.  You know....the usual egotistical/entitled reasons.  Nothing special.......
    Jells2dot0mimiphin

  • Wow, @mobkaz, you've really outdone yourself! That's a super sweet graphic you're trying for a sick burn with, since you "pledged, along with some other posters, to stop feeding this troll-like poster when she begins these inane "arguments." I really love how someone is a "troll" because they do not agree with the majority. How very elementary school. 

    I do have to tell you though, I'm excited about this pledge from you and some others. I'm hoping since you all will not deign to type anything to me, you all start posting videos of yourselves in the throes of interpretive dance to get your points across. Barring that small miracle I hope you realize my sole purpose posting on these boards is to help lurkers realize there's more important things in life than worrying about if a few people will judge their decisions. That you won't communicate with me, I say thank fucking god! That a few lurkers should one day look back on their lives, like I will, and say, wow, it might not have been etiquette approved but I'm so thankful I had the wedding (or party, or whatever) I wanted, because those that judged me offer me no wonderful memories, but my wedding sure does.



    People tried to give you advice on your plan not to judge you- but to help you. You are tricking family and friends into spending thousands of dollars to get married when you will have already been married for months. This isn't an etiquette problem, its much more hurtful to your guests than a cash bar or anything else. I think you and your husband should still go to Mexico and have a beautiful time. Say vows, celebrate, etc. The problem is you invited all these people to go with you but aren't telling them that you are already married. That is important to a lot of people, as you see from the boards here. I don't think the subject needs to keep getting rehashed, but people weren't picking on your plan just to be a snob or a jerk, they really thought you are going to end up burning bridges with your plan. You disagree which is what it is.

    image
    RebeccaB88mimiphin
  • mrs4everhartmrs4everhart member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited January 2014
    mobkaz said:
    mobkaz said:
    laurynm84 said:
    But you're already married, so your situation is not even a DW.  You're having a destination reception and an AHR which is excessive.




    Thank you.  I have been screaming silently here in my office.  I too, recall that STBMrs.Everhart is holding a PPD several months after her marriage in Colorado.  I also know from other threads that she makes NO bones about lying to her guests...except she doesn't call it lying.  I pledged, along with some other posters, to stop feeding this troll-like poster when she begins these inane "arguments" .  

     

     

     

    I should have come over here before trying to get an answer from STB on the DW board! I am trying to figure out WHY she is even bothering to have anything in Mexico since she is already married and just didn't want to adhere to the requirements in Mexico. Now I'm even more perplexed because of the AHR.

     

    edit: format

    She feels none of her friends will have a fulfilled life unless it includes a memory of her lie fest. WTF? If our friends don't want to come out and party, they can stay home. Some can stay home twice if that's their prerogative.  She also needed to rip off the government for benefits that only apply to married people.  How is adding a spouse to self-paid insurance ripping off the government? The government has NOTHING to do with our decision, as they do not provide our health insurance. My workplace provides our insurance and I do not work for the government. This was a workplace requirement that we decided to fulfill. No one is being ripped off. You know....the usual egotistical/entitled reasons.  Nothing special.......



    Edited to add: This workplace requirement actually ripped US off! I inquired with our HR person if our insurance plan covers domestic partners, as my FI would have fallen in to that category. I was told, in writing, no, spouses only. Several months later the government started requiring we give all current and new employees a handout outlining a bunch of stuff about the Affordable Care Act, marketplaces, employer-sponsored insurance, etc. Right there in black and white the box next to "who does the employer sponsored insurance cover: spouses, dependents and DOMESTIC PARTNERS was check marked! You can imagine my annoyance. But once I thought it through I realized why does it matter? It was going to happen eventually anyway! So if anyone got ripped off, it was us.

  • Wow, @mobkaz, you've really outdone yourself! That's a super sweet graphic you're trying for a sick burn with, since you "pledged, along with some other posters, to stop feeding this troll-like poster when she begins these inane "arguments." I really love how someone is a "troll" because they do not agree with the majority. How very elementary school. 

    I do have to tell you though, I'm excited about this pledge from you and some others. I'm hoping since you all will not deign to type anything to me, you all start posting videos of yourselves in the throes of interpretive dance to get your points across. Barring that small miracle I hope you realize my sole purpose posting on these boards is to help lurkers realize there's more important things in life than worrying about if a few people will judge their decisions. That you won't communicate with me, I say thank fucking god! That a few lurkers should one day look back on their lives, like I will, and say, wow, it might not have been etiquette approved but I'm so thankful I had the wedding (or party, or whatever) I wanted, because those that judged me offer me no wonderful memories, but my wedding sure does.



    People tried to give you advice on your plan not to judge you- but to help you. See, there's the thing. I have never asked for advice. I have contributed to threads and offered my perspective, but always from the POV of: this it what we're doing. Not: Hey, what do you guys think about what we're doing? If people want to voice their opinions, that's great. But it's always been unsolicited and completely unnecessary.  You are tricking family and friends into spending thousands of dollars to get married when you will have already been married for months. This isn't an etiquette problem, its much more hurtful to your guests than a cash bar or anything else. I don't see how this is hurtful. No one needs to know our legal status. No one except those we've told will ever know. I don't know anything about our friends' and families' marriage licenses. I don't see any reason why they need to know about ours. I think you and your husband should still go to Mexico and have a beautiful time. Say vows, celebrate, etc. The problem is you invited all these people to go with you but aren't telling them that you are already married. That is important to a lot of people, as you see from the boards here. I don't think the subject needs to keep getting rehashed, but people weren't picking on your plan just to be a snob or a jerk, they really thought you are going to end up burning bridges with your plan. No bridges will be harmed during the planning or execution of this wedding. All bridges will be just fine. You disagree which is what it is. Yes, I vehemently disagree.

  • I don't know if you know this STB, but 1. the government offers more benefits to married couples than just health insurance, and 2. One of those benefits happens to be mandating certain employers to provide health insurance. I'll bet your employer-provided insurance is government-mandated, and now your spouse gets to benefit from that. Just FYI. 

    Also, another tip about all of the unsolicited advice you've been tormented with.... this is a public forum. When you choose to express yourself publicly, you open yourself up to the judgment and reaction of anyone who so chooses to respond. "Unsolicited advice" on a message board that you voluntarily posted on should be hardly upsetting to you. Don't want strangers to give you their opinion about your plans? Don't share them.
    PrettyGirlLostRebeccaB88mimiphin
  • I don't know if you know this STB, but 1. the government offers more benefits to married couples than just health insurance, and 2. One of those benefits happens to be mandating certain employers to provide health insurance. I'll bet your employer-provided insurance is government-mandated, and now your spouse gets to benefit from that. Just FYI.  No, this insurance plan was not government mandated. In fact, the ACA has things so screwed up that they can actually drop us and tell us to go try our luck in the marketplaces. It's so bad, we no longer offer over 30 hours to hourly employees to skirt having to offer them insurance. Those of us lucky enough to have insurance benefits, it is an added benefit, not a requirement. 

    Also, another tip about all of the unsolicited advice you've been tormented with.... this is a public forum. When you choose to express yourself publicly, you open yourself up to the judgment and reaction of anyone who so chooses to respond. "Unsolicited advice" on a message board that you voluntarily posted on should be hardly upsetting to you. Don't want strangers to give you their opinion about your plans? Don't share them.  I'm not upset by it, like I said, if people feel they need to share their two cents that's on them. I'm just not in favor of anyone trying to make me think I should be thankful for unsolicited advice from a group of strangers I never asked their advice in the first place.




  • People tried to give you advice on your plan not to judge you- but to help you. See, there's the thing. I have never asked for advice. I have contributed to threads and offered my perspective, but always from the POV of: this it what we're doing. Not: Hey, what do you guys think about what we're doing? If people want to voice their opinions, that's great. But it's always been unsolicited and completely unnecessary.  You are tricking family and friends into spending thousands of dollars to get married when you will have already been married for months. This isn't an etiquette problem, its much more hurtful to your guests than a cash bar or anything else. I don't see how this is hurtful. No one needs to know our legal status. No one except those we've told will ever know. I don't know anything about our friends' and families' marriage licenses. I don't see any reason why they need to know about ours. I think you and your husband should still go to Mexico and have a beautiful time. Say vows, celebrate, etc. The problem is you invited all these people to go with you but aren't telling them that you are already married. That is important to a lot of people, as you see from the boards here. I don't think the subject needs to keep getting rehashed, but people weren't picking on your plan just to be a snob or a jerk, they really thought you are going to end up burning bridges with your plan. No bridges will be harmed during the planning or execution of this wedding. All bridges will be just fine. You disagree which is what it is. Yes, I vehemently disagree.

    Whatever the case, in all seriousness, I really hope for your sake that someone doesn't find out that you're already married after they have taken their hard earned time off and spent a lot of money to see your wedding. And if they do find out, I hope they are not offended. You are right- it's not really anyone's business to know their personal and legal affairs. However, it's just common courtesy and decency to inform your guests of the actual situation they are walking into when they are going out of their way for you. I of all people, love a good vacation, but I would certainly want to know all of the facts surrounding my vacation if I took it on someone else's terms. 

     







    KeptInStitchesWeeshPrettyGirlLostkmmssg



  • People tried to give you advice on your plan not to judge you- but to help you. See, there's the thing. I have never asked for advice. I have contributed to threads and offered my perspective, but always from the POV of: this it what we're doing. Not: Hey, what do you guys think about what we're doing? If people want to voice their opinions, that's great. But it's always been unsolicited and completely unnecessary.  You are tricking family and friends into spending thousands of dollars to get married when you will have already been married for months. This isn't an etiquette problem, its much more hurtful to your guests than a cash bar or anything else. I don't see how this is hurtful. No one needs to know our legal status. No one except those we've told will ever know. I don't know anything about our friends' and families' marriage licenses. I don't see any reason why they need to know about ours. I think you and your husband should still go to Mexico and have a beautiful time. Say vows, celebrate, etc. The problem is you invited all these people to go with you but aren't telling them that you are already married. That is important to a lot of people, as you see from the boards here. I don't think the subject needs to keep getting rehashed, but people weren't picking on your plan just to be a snob or a jerk, they really thought you are going to end up burning bridges with your plan. No bridges will be harmed during the planning or execution of this wedding. All bridges will be just fine. You disagree which is what it is. Yes, I vehemently disagree.

    Whatever the case, in all seriousness, I really hope for your sake that someone doesn't find out that you're already married after they have taken their hard earned time off and spent a lot of money to see your wedding. And if they do find out, I hope they are not offended. You are right- it's not really anyone's business to know their personal and legal affairs. However, it's just common courtesy and decency to inform your guests of the actual situation they are walking into when they are going out of their way for you. I of all people, love a good vacation, but I would certainly want to know all of the facts surrounding my vacation if I took it on someone else's terms. 
    True enough, but you typically have to have such traits to practice them.

    kmmssg
  • mobkaz said:



    People tried to give you advice on your plan not to judge you- but to help you. See, there's the thing. I have never asked for advice. I have contributed to threads and offered my perspective, but always from the POV of: this it what we're doing. Not: Hey, what do you guys think about what we're doing? If people want to voice their opinions, that's great. But it's always been unsolicited and completely unnecessary.  You are tricking family and friends into spending thousands of dollars to get married when you will have already been married for months. This isn't an etiquette problem, its much more hurtful to your guests than a cash bar or anything else. I don't see how this is hurtful. No one needs to know our legal status. No one except those we've told will ever know. I don't know anything about our friends' and families' marriage licenses. I don't see any reason why they need to know about ours. I think you and your husband should still go to Mexico and have a beautiful time. Say vows, celebrate, etc. The problem is you invited all these people to go with you but aren't telling them that you are already married. That is important to a lot of people, as you see from the boards here. I don't think the subject needs to keep getting rehashed, but people weren't picking on your plan just to be a snob or a jerk, they really thought you are going to end up burning bridges with your plan. No bridges will be harmed during the planning or execution of this wedding. All bridges will be just fine. You disagree which is what it is. Yes, I vehemently disagree.

    Whatever the case, in all seriousness, I really hope for your sake that someone doesn't find out that you're already married after they have taken their hard earned time off and spent a lot of money to see your wedding. And if they do find out, I hope they are not offended. You are right- it's not really anyone's business to know their personal and legal affairs. However, it's just common courtesy and decency to inform your guests of the actual situation they are walking into when they are going out of their way for you. I of all people, love a good vacation, but I would certainly want to know all of the facts surrounding my vacation if I took it on someone else's terms. 
    True enough, but you typically have to have such traits to practice them.

    You know nothing about me except limited details of my wedding. That's not nearly enough to make statements about whether I'm generally a decent or courteous person. So climb down off your high horse and get your mind right. You make yourself sound really unpleasant. 
  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited January 2014
    mobkaz said:
    mobkaz said:
    laurynm84 said:
    But you're already married, so your situation is not even a DW.  You're having a destination reception and an AHR which is excessive.




    Thank you.  I have been screaming silently here in my office.  I too, recall that STBMrs.Everhart is holding a PPD several months after her marriage in Colorado.  I also know from other threads that she makes NO bones about lying to her guests...except she doesn't call it lying.  I pledged, along with some other posters, to stop feeding this troll-like poster when she begins these inane "arguments" .  

     

     

     

    I should have come over here before trying to get an answer from STB on the DW board! I am trying to figure out WHY she is even bothering to have anything in Mexico since she is already married and just didn't want to adhere to the requirements in Mexico. Now I'm even more perplexed because of the AHR.

     

    edit: format

    She feels none of her friends will have a fulfilled life unless it includes a memory of her lie fest. WTF? If our friends don't want to come out and party, they can stay home. Some can stay home twice if that's their prerogative.  She also needed to rip off the government for benefits that only apply to married people.  How is adding a spouse to self-paid insurance ripping off the government? The government has NOTHING to do with our decision, as they do not provide our health insurance. My workplace provides our insurance and I do not work for the government. This was a workplace requirement that we decided to fulfill. No one is being ripped off. You know....the usual egotistical/entitled reasons.  Nothing special.......



    Edited to add: This workplace requirement actually ripped US off! I inquired with our HR person if our insurance plan covers domestic partners, as my FI would have fallen in to that category. I was told, in writing, no, spouses only. Several months later the government started requiring we give all current and new employees a handout outlining a bunch of stuff about the Affordable Care Act, marketplaces, employer-sponsored insurance, etc. Right there in black and white the box next to "who does the employer sponsored insurance cover: spouses, dependents and DOMESTIC PARTNERS was check marked! You can imagine my annoyance. But once I thought it through I realized why does it matter? It was going to happen eventually anyway! So if anyone got ripped off, it was us.


    ***Bad format..........

    Crying "uncle" here.  


    Why don't you tell your "friends" the truth so that they can make an informed and educated decision regarding their attendance.  By lying to them, as friends, they are going to great expense to (what they think is) watch you marry.  Are you concerned about how many might actually decline if they knew the truth??  Oh wait....let me guess.  You signed up for one of those trips wherein the more guests you con into attending, the more perks you get for yourself.

    @STBMrsEverhart said........ How is adding a spouse to self-paid insurance ripping off the government?   A what??  Did you say.......SPOUSE??

    @STBMrsEverhart said........(in regards to lying to friends)  "I don't see how this is hurtful. No one needs to know our legal status. No one except those we've told will ever know."  No one will ever know??  Good luck with that.  Lies always surface.  You've done it once in this thread already.  You said you and your "FI" never regard each other as husband/wife/spouse....and yet, there it is in big, bold letters.  And to have such a lack of moral integrity to not realize/understand how lying is not hurtful???  And please, do not spew your rhetoric and euphemisms.  I'm not the one you need to convince.

    @STBMrsEverhart said........."  I'm not upset by it, like I said, if people feel they need to share their two cents that's on them."    Your profanity laced rants say otherwise.
    mimiphin
  • mobkaz said:



    People tried to give you advice on your plan not to judge you- but to help you. See, there's the thing. I have never asked for advice. I have contributed to threads and offered my perspective, but always from the POV of: this it what we're doing. Not: Hey, what do you guys think about what we're doing? If people want to voice their opinions, that's great. But it's always been unsolicited and completely unnecessary.  You are tricking family and friends into spending thousands of dollars to get married when you will have already been married for months. This isn't an etiquette problem, its much more hurtful to your guests than a cash bar or anything else. I don't see how this is hurtful. No one needs to know our legal status. No one except those we've told will ever know. I don't know anything about our friends' and families' marriage licenses. I don't see any reason why they need to know about ours. I think you and your husband should still go to Mexico and have a beautiful time. Say vows, celebrate, etc. The problem is you invited all these people to go with you but aren't telling them that you are already married. That is important to a lot of people, as you see from the boards here. I don't think the subject needs to keep getting rehashed, but people weren't picking on your plan just to be a snob or a jerk, they really thought you are going to end up burning bridges with your plan. No bridges will be harmed during the planning or execution of this wedding. All bridges will be just fine. You disagree which is what it is. Yes, I vehemently disagree.

    Whatever the case, in all seriousness, I really hope for your sake that someone doesn't find out that you're already married after they have taken their hard earned time off and spent a lot of money to see your wedding. And if they do find out, I hope they are not offended. You are right- it's not really anyone's business to know their personal and legal affairs. However, it's just common courtesy and decency to inform your guests of the actual situation they are walking into when they are going out of their way for you. I of all people, love a good vacation, but I would certainly want to know all of the facts surrounding my vacation if I took it on someone else's terms. 
    True enough, but you typically have to have such traits to practice them.

    You know nothing about me except limited details of my wedding. That's not nearly enough to make statements about whether I'm generally a decent or courteous person. So climb down off your high horse and get your mind right. You make yourself sound really unpleasant. 
    I know you willingly lie to some of your nearest and dearest.  I know you are completely comfortable doing so.  That shows a complete lack of respect and morality.  If your character lacks such traits, your behavior is neither decent nor courteous.  I can't even imagine your standard of behavior to people for whom you dislike.  And yes, I can be quite unpleasant when the situation calls for it.  I keep my temper, and language, however, in check.  That's just the decent and courteous thing to do.
    kmmssg
  • mobkaz said:
    mobkaz said:
    mobkaz said:
    laurynm84 said:
    But you're already married, so your situation is not even a DW.  You're having a destination reception and an AHR which is excessive.




    Thank you.  I have been screaming silently here in my office.  I too, recall that STBMrs.Everhart is holding a PPD several months after her marriage in Colorado.  I also know from other threads that she makes NO bones about lying to her guests...except she doesn't call it lying.  I pledged, along with some other posters, to stop feeding this troll-like poster when she begins these inane "arguments" .  

     

     

     

    I should have come over here before trying to get an answer from STB on the DW board! I am trying to figure out WHY she is even bothering to have anything in Mexico since she is already married and just didn't want to adhere to the requirements in Mexico. Now I'm even more perplexed because of the AHR.

     

    edit: format

    She feels none of her friends will have a fulfilled life unless it includes a memory of her lie fest. WTF? If our friends don't want to come out and party, they can stay home. Some can stay home twice if that's their prerogative.  She also needed to rip off the government for benefits that only apply to married people.  How is adding a spouse to self-paid insurance ripping off the government? The government has NOTHING to do with our decision, as they do not provide our health insurance. My workplace provides our insurance and I do not work for the government. This was a workplace requirement that we decided to fulfill. No one is being ripped off. You know....the usual egotistical/entitled reasons.  Nothing special.......



    Edited to add: This workplace requirement actually ripped US off! I inquired with our HR person if our insurance plan covers domestic partners, as my FI would have fallen in to that category. I was told, in writing, no, spouses only. Several months later the government started requiring we give all current and new employees a handout outlining a bunch of stuff about the Affordable Care Act, marketplaces, employer-sponsored insurance, etc. Right there in black and white the box next to "who does the employer sponsored insurance cover: spouses, dependents and DOMESTIC PARTNERS was check marked! You can imagine my annoyance. But once I thought it through I realized why does it matter? It was going to happen eventually anyway! So if anyone got ripped off, it was us.


    ***Bad format..........

    Crying "uncle" here.  


    Why don't you tell your "friends" the truth so that they can make an informed and educated decision regarding their attendance.  By lying to them, as friends, they are going to great expense to (what they think is) watch you marry.  Are you concerned about how many might actually decline if they knew the truth??  Oh wait....let me guess.  You signed up for one of those trips wherein the more guests you con into attending, the more perks you get for yourself. Nope, sure didn't. Nothing about our wedding package changes whether we have 2 or 200 in attendance. Except what it costs us. Just like most weddings. We opted not to get involved with any package that required anything of our guests (numbers of rooms, number of nights, etc.) because that sounds ridiculous. I'm inviting people to a wedding, not dictating to them where they must lodge and how long they must stay. Talk about presumptuous and rude.

    @STBMrsEverhart said........ How is adding a spouse to self-paid insurance ripping off the government?   A what??  Did you say.......SPOUSE?? I've never said anything different in terms of getting married legally to add him to insurance. That seems fairly self evident, no? However, since we do not consider ourselves married in any other sense other than shared health insurance, we do not make a habit of referring to the other as "spouse" even to each other. As far as we are concerned we are engaged until we exchange vows and rings. Therefore the only time it would make sense to refer to him as my "spouse" would be if we were discussing health insurance. Generally not a conversation we have with our familiars. It only ever seems to come up with hateful, judgmental shrews who have either coined the phrase or enjoy propagating the idea of the "PPD."

    @STBMrsEverhart said........(in regards to lying to friends)  "I don't see how this is hurtful. No one needs to know our legal status. No one except those we've told will ever know."  No one will ever know??  Good luck with that.  Lies always surface.  No, they don't. Just generally on sitcoms. You've done it once in this thread already.  No, I didn't. See above. You said you and your "FI" never regard each other as husband/wife/spouse....and yet, there it is in big, bold letters.  And to have such a lack of moral integrity to not realize/understand how lying is not hurtful???  And please, do not spew your rhetoric and euphemisms.  I'm not the one you need to convince. There's no one who needs convincing of anything. Those who know don't care, and those who don't know, won't know.

    @STBMrsEverhart said........."  I'm not upset by it, like I said, if people feel they need to share their two cents that's on them."    Your profanity laced rants say otherwise. I curse like a sailor when I'm elated. One has nothing to do with the other. I actually think I'm pretty tame around here. 

  • mobkaz said:
    mobkaz said:
    mobkaz said:
    laurynm84 said:
    But you're already married, so your situation is not even a DW.  You're having a destination reception and an AHR which is excessive.




    Thank you.  I have been screaming silently here in my office.  I too, recall that STBMrs.Everhart is holding a PPD several months after her marriage in Colorado.  I also know from other threads that she makes NO bones about lying to her guests...except she doesn't call it lying.  I pledged, along with some other posters, to stop feeding this troll-like poster when she begins these inane "arguments" .  

     

     

     

    I should have come over here before trying to get an answer from STB on the DW board! I am trying to figure out WHY she is even bothering to have anything in Mexico since she is already married and just didn't want to adhere to the requirements in Mexico. Now I'm even more perplexed because of the AHR.

     

    edit: format

    She feels none of her friends will have a fulfilled life unless it includes a memory of her lie fest. WTF? If our friends don't want to come out and party, they can stay home. Some can stay home twice if that's their prerogative.  She also needed to rip off the government for benefits that only apply to married people.  How is adding a spouse to self-paid insurance ripping off the government? The government has NOTHING to do with our decision, as they do not provide our health insurance. My workplace provides our insurance and I do not work for the government. This was a workplace requirement that we decided to fulfill. No one is being ripped off. You know....the usual egotistical/entitled reasons.  Nothing special.......



    Edited to add: This workplace requirement actually ripped US off! I inquired with our HR person if our insurance plan covers domestic partners, as my FI would have fallen in to that category. I was told, in writing, no, spouses only. Several months later the government started requiring we give all current and new employees a handout outlining a bunch of stuff about the Affordable Care Act, marketplaces, employer-sponsored insurance, etc. Right there in black and white the box next to "who does the employer sponsored insurance cover: spouses, dependents and DOMESTIC PARTNERS was check marked! You can imagine my annoyance. But once I thought it through I realized why does it matter? It was going to happen eventually anyway! So if anyone got ripped off, it was us.


    ***Bad format..........

    Crying "uncle" here.  


    Why don't you tell your "friends" the truth so that they can make an informed and educated decision regarding their attendance.  By lying to them, as friends, they are going to great expense to (what they think is) watch you marry.  Are you concerned about how many might actually decline if they knew the truth??  Oh wait....let me guess.  You signed up for one of those trips wherein the more guests you con into attending, the more perks you get for yourself. Nope, sure didn't. Nothing about our wedding package changes whether we have 2 or 200 in attendance. Except what it costs us. Just like most weddings. We opted not to get involved with any package that required anything of our guests (numbers of rooms, number of nights, etc.) because that sounds ridiculous. I'm inviting people to a wedding, not dictating to them where they must lodge and how long they must stay. Talk about presumptuous and rude.

    @STBMrsEverhart said........ How is adding a spouse to self-paid insurance ripping off the government?   A what??  Did you say.......SPOUSE?? I've never said anything different in terms of getting married legally to add him to insurance. That seems fairly self evident, no? However, since we do not consider ourselves married in any other sense other than shared health insurance, we do not make a habit of referring to the other as "spouse" even to each other. As far as we are concerned we are engaged until we exchange vows and rings. Therefore the only time it would make sense to refer to him as my "spouse" would be if we were discussing health insurance. Generally not a conversation we have with our familiars. It only ever seems to come up with hateful, judgmental shrews who have either coined the phrase or enjoy propagating the idea of the "PPD."

    @STBMrsEverhart said........(in regards to lying to friends)  "I don't see how this is hurtful. No one needs to know our legal status. No one except those we've told will ever know."  No one will ever know??  Good luck with that.  Lies always surface.  No, they don't. Just generally on sitcoms. You've done it once in this thread already.  No, I didn't. See above. You said you and your "FI" never regard each other as husband/wife/spouse....and yet, there it is in big, bold letters.  And to have such a lack of moral integrity to not realize/understand how lying is not hurtful???  And please, do not spew your rhetoric and euphemisms.  I'm not the one you need to convince. There's no one who needs convincing of anything. Those who know don't care, and those who don't know, won't know.

    @STBMrsEverhart said........."  I'm not upset by it, like I said, if people feel they need to share their two cents that's on them."    Your profanity laced rants say otherwise. I curse like a sailor when I'm elated. One has nothing to do with the other. I actually think I'm pretty tame around here. 

    Appropriate because it sums up your responses perfectly.....I can't decide if I'm more bored or inclined to heave.........
    image
    KeptInStitches

  • Wow, @mobkaz, you've really outdone yourself! That's a super sweet graphic you're trying for a sick burn with, since you "pledged, along with some other posters, to stop feeding this troll-like poster when she begins these inane "arguments." I really love how someone is a "troll" because they do not agree with the majority. How very elementary school. 

    I do have to tell you though, I'm excited about this pledge from you and some others. I'm hoping since you all will not deign to type anything to me, you all start posting videos of yourselves in the throes of interpretive dance to get your points across. Barring that small miracle I hope you realize my sole purpose posting on these boards is to help lurkers realize there's more important things in life than worrying about if a few people will judge their decisions. That you won't communicate with me, I say thank fucking god! That a few lurkers should one day look back on their lives, like I will, and say, wow, it might not have been etiquette approved but I'm so thankful I had the wedding (or party, or whatever) I wanted, because those that judged me offer me no wonderful memories, but my wedding sure does.



    People tried to give you advice on your plan not to judge you- but to help you. See, there's the thing. I have never asked for advice. I have contributed to threads and offered my perspective, but always from the POV of: this it what we're doing. Not: Hey, what do you guys think about what we're doing? If people want to voice their opinions, that's great. But it's always been unsolicited and completely unnecessary.  You are tricking family and friends into spending thousands of dollars to get married when you will have already been married for months. This isn't an etiquette problem, its much more hurtful to your guests than a cash bar or anything else. I don't see how this is hurtful. No one needs to know our legal status. No one except those we've told will ever know. I don't know anything about our friends' and families' marriage licenses. I don't see any reason why they need to know about ours. I think you and your husband should still go to Mexico and have a beautiful time. Say vows, celebrate, etc. The problem is you invited all these people to go with you but aren't telling them that you are already married. That is important to a lot of people, as you see from the boards here. I don't think the subject needs to keep getting rehashed, but people weren't picking on your plan just to be a snob or a jerk, they really thought you are going to end up burning bridges with your plan. No bridges will be harmed during the planning or execution of this wedding. All bridges will be just fine. You disagree which is what it is. Yes, I vehemently disagree.

    Last time we talked I thought you were unsure about bridges. You said you guys were prepared for the fallout if people found out, but were pretty sure they would not. This is correct. I can't imagine any scenario where anyone found out anything they weren't specifically told. We're fully prepared for whatever may happen in the event someone "finds out" but cannot fathom a real life scenario where this would be the case. We made our decision and plan to move ahead, as we always have, without lingering on the what-ifs. What if a lot of things happen.....

    The reason why they need to know about yours is because you invited them to your wedding. I get that we are always going to disagree on that, but most people are actually getting married at their wedding. So they are telling you their status. You'd think so. But you really have no way of knowing if the B&G embarked on the same thing we are embarking on. You may still be in the dark 5, 10, 15 years later and the only thing you judged the wedding on was whether or not you were properly hosted and had a good time! 

    Also you keep saying we know nothing about you. We know a ton about you. You've shared a ton. Name, occupation, place of work, location, wedding plans, etc. And you can know a lot about people by their actions. I'll give that statement more credence than pretending to know someone on the internet from some basic facts that can be found on someone's un-updated social network profile or googling them so crap from five or more years ago pops up. I guess it's kinda nice to not be famous! That's actually how you know the most about someone- by how they act. Your actions are dishonest. Our actions are rooted in turning lemons in to lemonade. I have no intention of taking a lifetime of good deeds and deciding they are all negated by one act of relative dishonesty. Nor do I plan on letting one act of relative dishonesty guide my moral compass for the rest of my lifetime. We have made these decisions by weighing our options and figuring out which path has the best possible outcome. That's all anyone can do in any situation.  I realize that you don't think it matters, but it does say a lot about what a person values when they take dishonest actions. 

  • mobkaz said:
    mobkaz said:
    mobkaz said:
    mobkaz said:
    laurynm84 said:
    But you're already married, so your situation is not even a DW.  You're having a destination reception and an AHR which is excessive.




    Thank you.  I have been screaming silently here in my office.  I too, recall that STBMrs.Everhart is holding a PPD several months after her marriage in Colorado.  I also know from other threads that she makes NO bones about lying to her guests...except she doesn't call it lying.  I pledged, along with some other posters, to stop feeding this troll-like poster when she begins these inane "arguments" .  

     

     

     

    I should have come over here before trying to get an answer from STB on the DW board! I am trying to figure out WHY she is even bothering to have anything in Mexico since she is already married and just didn't want to adhere to the requirements in Mexico. Now I'm even more perplexed because of the AHR.

     

    edit: format

    She feels none of her friends will have a fulfilled life unless it includes a memory of her lie fest. WTF? If our friends don't want to come out and party, they can stay home. Some can stay home twice if that's their prerogative.  She also needed to rip off the government for benefits that only apply to married people.  How is adding a spouse to self-paid insurance ripping off the government? The government has NOTHING to do with our decision, as they do not provide our health insurance. My workplace provides our insurance and I do not work for the government. This was a workplace requirement that we decided to fulfill. No one is being ripped off. You know....the usual egotistical/entitled reasons.  Nothing special.......



    Edited to add: This workplace requirement actually ripped US off! I inquired with our HR person if our insurance plan covers domestic partners, as my FI would have fallen in to that category. I was told, in writing, no, spouses only. Several months later the government started requiring we give all current and new employees a handout outlining a bunch of stuff about the Affordable Care Act, marketplaces, employer-sponsored insurance, etc. Right there in black and white the box next to "who does the employer sponsored insurance cover: spouses, dependents and DOMESTIC PARTNERS was check marked! You can imagine my annoyance. But once I thought it through I realized why does it matter? It was going to happen eventually anyway! So if anyone got ripped off, it was us.


    ***Bad format..........

    Crying "uncle" here.  


    Why don't you tell your "friends" the truth so that they can make an informed and educated decision regarding their attendance.  By lying to them, as friends, they are going to great expense to (what they think is) watch you marry.  Are you concerned about how many might actually decline if they knew the truth??  Oh wait....let me guess.  You signed up for one of those trips wherein the more guests you con into attending, the more perks you get for yourself. Nope, sure didn't. Nothing about our wedding package changes whether we have 2 or 200 in attendance. Except what it costs us. Just like most weddings. We opted not to get involved with any package that required anything of our guests (numbers of rooms, number of nights, etc.) because that sounds ridiculous. I'm inviting people to a wedding, not dictating to them where they must lodge and how long they must stay. Talk about presumptuous and rude.

    @STBMrsEverhart said........ How is adding a spouse to self-paid insurance ripping off the government?   A what??  Did you say.......SPOUSE?? I've never said anything different in terms of getting married legally to add him to insurance. That seems fairly self evident, no? However, since we do not consider ourselves married in any other sense other than shared health insurance, we do not make a habit of referring to the other as "spouse" even to each other. As far as we are concerned we are engaged until we exchange vows and rings. Therefore the only time it would make sense to refer to him as my "spouse" would be if we were discussing health insurance. Generally not a conversation we have with our familiars. It only ever seems to come up with hateful, judgmental shrews who have either coined the phrase or enjoy propagating the idea of the "PPD."

    @STBMrsEverhart said........(in regards to lying to friends)  "I don't see how this is hurtful. No one needs to know our legal status. No one except those we've told will ever know."  No one will ever know??  Good luck with that.  Lies always surface.  No, they don't. Just generally on sitcoms. You've done it once in this thread already.  No, I didn't. See above. You said you and your "FI" never regard each other as husband/wife/spouse....and yet, there it is in big, bold letters.  And to have such a lack of moral integrity to not realize/understand how lying is not hurtful???  And please, do not spew your rhetoric and euphemisms.  I'm not the one you need to convince. There's no one who needs convincing of anything. Those who know don't care, and those who don't know, won't know.

    @STBMrsEverhart said........."  I'm not upset by it, like I said, if people feel they need to share their two cents that's on them."    Your profanity laced rants say otherwise. I curse like a sailor when I'm elated. One has nothing to do with the other. I actually think I'm pretty tame around here. 

    Appropriate because it sums up your responses perfectly.....I can't decide if I'm more bored or inclined to heave.........
    image

    Geez @mobkaz, I guess you missed that tidbit about how well you know me from limited items found on the internet: my disdain for cats. So this gif is a little lost on me. Is this what cats do when they're bored or want to throw up? Good to know. I'll add that to the list of valuable things I've learned on TK! Thanks!
  • I am trying to follow up the logic here:

    Maggie0829 said:
    "Please people, remember that the actual act of marrying your FI is what people want to see.  They aren't just coming for the party."

    Cookie Pusher said
    "Having the reception is to thank your guests for coming to witness the getting married part."

    The guests wanted to witness the wedding, so you invited them, meaning you gave them what they wanted.
    Then you have a reception to thank them for the fact that you already gave them what they wanted on the first place?
    Yes? No?

    Also
    STBMrsEverhart said:
    "we have a lot of friends and relatives who are not invited or who will not be attending who we want to party with. Hence the AHR. "

    missax said:
    "Don't forget the extra gifts she'll be getting from a new batch of guests.
    Why can't people grasp how rude this is to do?!"

    STBMrsEverhart did not mention gifts,  missax. You did.  You are the one thinking about gifts.
    Like the old joke where the doctor was showing the patient different pictures like clouds, bridges, stars, musical instruments, ect. asking the patient what does he see. All the patient was seeng was sex. The doctor said " You might be sexual maniac". The patient said " You are the one showing me the dirty pictures". There were no dirty pictures.
    There were no gifts mentioned. It's all in your head. Try to get over it.
    People party for the fun of it, not for gifts. 
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