Dry Reception

amyep89

The one thing that I keep seeing over and over again it seems like is that it's "tacky" to not have an open bar at a wedding reception. For brides who feel that you are under a lot of pressure to provide alcohol for your guests at weddings, realize that this is YOUR wedding and you should do what makes you feel comfortable. For members of the bridal party and guests who may want alcohol at the reception, please understand that there are some valid issues as to why the bride and groom are choosing to not serve alcohol, or even decide to have a selection of a few drinks or a cash bar instead.
Personally, I have some close friends and family members who are recovering alcoholics (one with a set-back as recently as 2 years ago), so I know that having an open bar is out of the question because I want them to be able to enjoy themselves at my wedding without feeling too much pressure to start drinking. I drink on occasion, but I don't think I'm going to spend the rest of my life regretting it if I didn't drink at my wedding. So, this is something that I feel would be best both for them and for me. I appreciate having them in my life a lot more than trying to impress everyone with a big alcohol-infused party.

Sometimes it's just not within your budget to have alcohol at your wedding, and you know what? That's perfectly fine. Don't let anyone try to push you into upgrading to something that you can't afford. Some people have to make the choice between "Do I want to spend $20,000 on a wedding?" or "Do I want to have a smaller wedding, and put more money toward a house/apartment/etc?" It's not your place as the guest, or even as a member of the bridal party, to make judgments against the bride and groom for making some pretty tough choices.
I went to another wedding before where money was definitely not an issue, but it was against their religious beliefs to drink alcohol. The reception was basically a very fancy dinner, and the layout of the reception made it easy for guests to move around and visit with each other. It was a very fun night, and the food was amaaaazing!

And I also just want to point out that I'm not against serving alcohol at weddings, I just wanted to get this out there that everyone has a choice and not all wedding receptions are going to look the same. My fiance and I have discussed possibly having a signature cocktail available at our reception, or something like that where the alcohol is there, but consumption is limited for the sake of my family, friends, and our own budget. It's kind of hard though because his family has all the drinkers and mine have all the recovering alcoholics...Cheers! And happy planning, everyone!

manateehugger

Who told you it's tacky to not have an open bar at your wedding?

Cookie Pusher

I don't know about everyone else, but I've only said cash bars are tacky. I'm behind any option where guests do not pay for their own refreshments - whether that means full open bar, no bar, signature cocktails, limited bar, wine & beer only, or whatever variation of those. Guests should have no expectations about what drinks are being served other than there will be enough for everyone and they won't have to pay for them.

JoanE2012

amyep89 said:

The one thing that I keep seeing over and over again it seems like is that it's "tacky" to not have an open bar at a wedding reception. For brides who feel that you are under a lot of pressure to provide alcohol for your guests at weddings, realize that this is YOUR wedding and you should do what makes you feel comfortable. For members of the bridal party and guests who may want alcohol at the reception, please understand that there are some valid issues as to why the bride and groom are choosing to not serve alcohol, or even decide to have a selection of a few drinks or a cash bar instead.
Personally, I have some close friends and family members who are recovering alcoholics (one with a set-back as recently as 2 years ago), so I know that having an open bar is out of the question because I want them to be able to enjoy themselves at my wedding without feeling too much pressure to start drinking. I drink on occasion, but I don't think I'm going to spend the rest of my life regretting it if I didn't drink at my wedding. So, this is something that I feel would be best both for them and for me. I appreciate having them in my life a lot more than trying to impress everyone with a big alcohol-infused party.

Sometimes it's just not within your budget to have alcohol at your wedding, and you know what? That's perfectly fine. Don't let anyone try to push you into upgrading to something that you can't afford. Some people have to make the choice between "Do I want to spend $20,000 on a wedding?" or "Do I want to have a smaller wedding, and put more money toward a house/apartment/etc?" It's not your place as the guest, or even as a member of the bridal party, to make judgments against the bride and groom for making some pretty tough choices.
I went to another wedding before where money was definitely not an issue, but it was against their religious beliefs to drink alcohol. The reception was basically a very fancy dinner, and the layout of the reception made it easy for guests to move around and visit with each other. It was a very fun night, and the food was amaaaazing!

And I also just want to point out that I'm not against serving alcohol at weddings, I just wanted to get this out there that everyone has a choice and not all wedding receptions are going to look the same. My fiance and I have discussed possibly having a signature cocktail available at our reception, or something like that where the alcohol is there, but consumption is limited for the sake of my family, friends, and our own budget. It's kind of hard though because his family has all the drinkers and mine have all the recovering alcoholics...Cheers! And happy planning, everyone!

I've never heard this.

kmmssg

I think you have misunderstood something.  It is never ever tacky to have a dry wedding.  Ever.

It is tacky to have a cash bar.  Maybe you have confused the issue when people say not having an open bar is tacky is related to their opinion of a cash bar?

I have been here for years and have never seen anyone with good knowledge of etiquette say a dry wedding is tacky.  Just that a cash bar is.

A couple should never go over budget to serve alcohol or serve it if it violates their religious beliefs, if they are hosting.

chibiyui

Having guests pay for drinks is tacky. Having a fully hosted but limited bar is perfectly fine.

AddieCake

Nobody here ever says it's tacky not to have an open bar. You are obviously misreading or misunderstanding the cash bar/open bar/limited bar/dry wedding discussions here.

grumbledore

Ditto all PPs.

amyep89

Thanks for the responses ladies! This came after reading several articles about "what not to do" at weddings where one of the top things that was repeated on various "not to do" lists was "not serving alcohol", "not drinking" etc. There's a big difference between saying that making guests pay for their own drinks is tacky and that your choice to not have alcohol at your wedding reception is tacky as well.

Jen4948

Neither dry weddings nor limited bars are tacky.

The only tacky thing in connection with having a bar is expecting your guests to pay for drinks, whether they are alcoholic or not.

netskyblue2

Of the weddings I've been to, about half and half were hosted alcohol vs. dry.  Most of the dry receptions I've been to have been afternoon "cake & punch" receptions, though, rather than the evening meal & dance type reception.  One was a small wedding with a reception at a restaurant, where a limited menu was provided, and alcohol was not on the menu.

I don't think I've been to any weddings that were cake & punch only for purely financial reasons, though.  In every case, the B & G weren't drinkers, and their guests knew that.

JoanE2012

netskyblue2 said:

Of the weddings I've been to, about half and half were hosted alcohol vs. dry.  Most of the dry receptions I've been to have been afternoon "cake & punch" receptions, though, rather than the evening meal & dance type reception.  One was a small wedding with a reception at a restaurant, where a limited menu was provided, and alcohol was not on the menu.

I don't think I've been to any weddings that were cake & punch only for purely financial reasons, though.  In every case, the B & G weren't drinkers, and their guests knew that.

I never understand that.  Why deny your guests something only because you don't like it?  

netskyblue2

JoanE2012 said:

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netskyblue2 said:

Of the weddings I've been to, about half and half were hosted alcohol vs. dry.  Most of the dry receptions I've been to have been afternoon "cake & punch" receptions, though, rather than the evening meal & dance type reception.  One was a small wedding with a reception at a restaurant, where a limited menu was provided, and alcohol was not on the menu.

I don't think I've been to any weddings that were cake & punch only for purely financial reasons, though.  In every case, the B & G weren't drinkers, and their guests knew that.

I never understand that.  Why deny your guests something only because you don't like it?  

Why host something you find morally repugnant?

JoanE2012

netskyblue2 said:

show previous quotes

JoanE2012 said:

netskyblue2 said:

Of the weddings I've been to, about half and half were hosted alcohol vs. dry.  Most of the dry receptions I've been to have been afternoon "cake & punch" receptions, though, rather than the evening meal & dance type reception.  One was a small wedding with a reception at a restaurant, where a limited menu was provided, and alcohol was not on the menu.

I don't think I've been to any weddings that were cake & punch only for purely financial reasons, though.  In every case, the B & G weren't drinkers, and their guests knew that.

I never understand that.  Why deny your guests something only because you don't like it?  

Why host something you find morally repugnant?

Oh, well your initial comment didn't say that they found it morally repugnant.  You said they weren't drinkers.  Not all non-drinkers find it morally repugnant.

MairePoppy

You can serve whatever you like at your wedding, as long as you don't expect your guests to pay for it. 

Don't use your alcoholic guests as an excuse. They'll drink or not drink, regardless of what you serve at your wedding. 

banana468

JoanE2012 said:

show previous quotes

netskyblue2 said:

JoanE2012 said:

netskyblue2 said:

Of the weddings I've been to, about half and half were hosted alcohol vs. dry.  Most of the dry receptions I've been to have been afternoon "cake & punch" receptions, though, rather than the evening meal & dance type reception.  One was a small wedding with a reception at a restaurant, where a limited menu was provided, and alcohol was not on the menu.

I don't think I've been to any weddings that were cake & punch only for purely financial reasons, though.  In every case, the B & G weren't drinkers, and their guests knew that.

I never understand that.  Why deny your guests something only because you don't like it?  

Why host something you find morally repugnant?



Oh, well your initial comment didn't say that they found it morally repugnant.  You said they weren't drinkers.  Not all non-drinkers find it morally repugnant.

Ditto. I know many people who don't drink for reasons other than their faith. Even the recovering alcoholics in my family refused to have their homes go dry because they did not want others to treat them with kid gloves.

If you just don't like it and opt not to serve it I'd roll my eyes. Most salmon makes me gag but we served it at the wedding as an option for the guests.

manateehugger

Ms2MrsViney said:

Who is to say what is or isn't tacky at someone's wedding. It's THEIR day and THEIR money. Plenty of people come to weddings without wedding gifts but having a cash bar is tacky oh please. The bride and groom don't owe anyone anything. This is a celebration of a union not free alcohol

It stops being all about you the minute you invite other people. Once you invite guests, you suddenly have a responsibility to take care of those guests. 

And yes, if you invite people to your ceremony, you owe them an appropriate thank you during the reception. When's the last time you made someone pay for their own thank you? Host what you'd like and what you can afford. It's that simple. 

If you don't want to pay for your guests, don't invite them.

manateehugger

Ms2MrsViney said:

How is YOUR wedding not about you? Alcohol shouldn't determine if you are a happy guest or not. Dinner and desert and thank you cards is a plenty enough thank you. Some people aren't drinkers but their guests are so providing a service that gives them the option to buy is fair enough. Or even signature drinks and a cash bar. It's the bride and grooms day it is about them if it wasn't it would be a family reunion instead.

Because you host your ceremony and then you host a reception to thank your guests for coming to fawn over you at the ceremony. Did you ever wonder where the word and concept of a reception comes from? Why do you have one? To receive your guests after the ceremony - reception-receive.

You are more than welcome to make any decisions that don't have an effect on others' comfort - such as what you wear, what your wedding colors are, what venue you chose (provided that venue actually has adequate facilities for your guests). 

A cash bar tells guests they have to pay for part of YOUR wedding (if you keep claiming it's YOURS, you should certainly at least pay for YOUR wedding and not fork that expense onto your guests). 

I agree that alcohol should not determine a guest's happiness. As you can read above, everyone agreed that having a dry wedding is a perfectly fine decision. A limited bar is a perfectly fine decision. What's not fine is asking someone else to pay for any part of your wedding, including alcohol. Why don't you offer them upgrades for food at a cost too then?

Host what you can afford. If you don't think that many people will drink and don't want to pay for an open bar package, host just beer and wine or host an open bar on consumption basis so that you only pay for drinks your guests actually order. 

manateehugger

Ms2MrsViney said:

As I said that doesn't determine a wedding "tacky." I don't need definition I know what it is. You have your opinion and I have mine so at the end of the day it doesn't even matter. I've been to both types of weddings and didn't feel as if I was paying for someone's wedding. Calling it tacky is very rude because at the end of the day it is their choice. And if you feel paying for your own alcohol is Paying for a wedding don't go.

STUCK IN BOX

Please explain to me how paying for a drink at someone else's wedding is not funding a portion of it. How is it different than offering other upgrades at a cost such as a cushier chair, an extra slice of cake, a nicer cut of steak, nicer china? When's the last time you invited someone over to your house for dinner, handed them a glass of wine, and said, "That's three bucks, thanks"?

Treating your nearest and dearest like a bar patron at your own wedding because "IT'S MY DAY!" is just entitled and sad. And, no, it's not my opinion; it's long-standing rules of etiquette and proper hosting.

Have a cash bar if you want; it's not like any of us will stop you or care at the end of the day. But to say that it's acceptable to charge your guests for a drink because the wedding is all about you is a poor decision. 

banana468

Ms2MrsViney said:

You can go on all day I really don't care. Everything you're saying is your opinion. so is etiquette it's someone's opinion of how something should be. How you do it is up to you not anyone else. Cash bar or not it won't make or break a wedding I've been to plenty.

Going to plenty of cash bar affairs hardly makes them appropriate.

Etiquette isn't a matter of opinion. It's a set of social laws. You can disagree with them but opting against etiquette isn't just a choice you make. It's a choice that makes your actions WRONG.

lyndausvi

Ms2MrsViney said:

As I said that doesn't determine a wedding "tacky." I don't need definition I know what it is. You have your opinion and I have mine so at the end of the day it doesn't even matter. I've been to both types of weddings and didn't feel as if I was paying for someone's wedding. Calling it tacky is very rude because at the end of the day it is their choice. And if you feel paying for your own alcohol is Paying for a wedding don't go.

When I'm INVITED to any event (wedding or otherwise) I expect to be hosted properly.   That means enough food for a meal during standard meal times and some sort of beverage (beverage doesn't have to equal alcohol).   At no time should I have to open up my wallet.  I should also be reasonable comfortable (i.e. chair for every butt and not outside in bad weather).

Anything less than that I think you are a horrible and tacky host.   The fact it's your wedding doesn't excuse you from being a decent host.

I've never been invited to a cash bar (45+weddings and counting) nor do I associate anyone who would even entertain the thought of having one.  This is a situation I hope I will never come across. If it does i'm not sure how would know until after I got there? I guess if it is known prior then we may decline, not sure since again it's not something I doubt will every come up.

manateehugger

Ms2MrsViney said:

As I said that's your opinion and I've been to weddings where I have paid for drinks and I haven't been upset about it or threw a fit. It's their choice

Well I guess we should all get off TK then, since only your opinions matter here, and not centuries-old rules about proper hosting, generosity, and generally not being entitled because you happen to be getting married.

lyndausvi

Ms2MrsViney said:

As I said that's your opinion and I've been to weddings where I have paid for drinks and I haven't been upset about it or threw a fit. It's their choice

You are correct it is 100% their choice to be a bad host.  

Just because you don't care doesn't make it right either.   I don't care when my boss tells dirty jokes, but it doesn't mean he is right for saying them at work.

banana468

Ms2MrsViney said:

Whether I care or not doesn't matter all I'm saying is exactly what you just said it is their CHOICE

What you aren't getting is that life is full of right and wrong choices. You can make the choice to charge your guests for their drinks. By doing so, you are choosing to do the wrong thing.

This isn't a matter of opinion. You can judge the rules but opting to go against them is incorrect.

Cookie Pusher

Ms2MrsViney said:

Who says you even have to have a drink? Having a cash bar isn't a right or wrong choice it's not wrong to have a cash bar if it's so wrong why is it even an option? Because it's not wrong it's personal preference and you prefer free drinks and that's fine however it's not wrong

manateehugger

Oh for pete's sake. Look, I don't care about gaps in between the ceremony and reception. About 75% of the weddings I go to have gaps. I grew up entertaining myself during gaps. They don't bother me in the slightest, and I personally don't judge couples who have them.

HOWEVER, I know that failing to host your guests in between the reception and ceremony is against etiquette and is an improper hosting decision. Just because gaps don't bother me in the slightest doesn't mean they are acceptable. 

I personally planned on having a gap until I came on TK and realized they were a huge faux pas. Most people I knew have gaps, so I just didn't see the big deal with them. But I still worked like hell to get our "gap" down to about 10 minutes max so that our guests can have a more relaxing experience at our wedding. People may not remember your flowers or your food, but they will remember how you treated them. 

It's fine to not be personally offended by something against etiquette, but it's not fine to advertise to brides that they can break etiquette where they'd like because they are somehow excused from demonstrating proper courtesy. 

Edited for clarity and stuff. Also, I continue to be mystified by TK's formatting.

lyndausvi

Ms2MrsViney said:

Whether I care or not doesn't matter all I'm saying is exactly what you just said it is their CHOICE

It know it's their choice.   It's also my choice not to reward bad behavior by attending a a poorly hosted event. 

 If more people wouldn't award people by attending poorly hosted events people would stop these types of things.    Sadly people do attend and have the same attitude as you do by not thinking its a bad to pay for an alcoholic drink. Soon people will just say "people pay for a beer, why not charge them for everything but water?".     Then it will extend to offering guests upgraded meals.  

I really, really hate the way the art of hosting is slowly chipping away.   The minute you invite people to an event you become a host.  With that role you have a responsibility to take care of your guests properly. The title of bride, queen or anything  else is not an excuse to be a bad host. 

lyndausvi

OP - sorry to hijack.  There is NOTHING wrong with a Dry wedding.   Not my style, however nothing at all wrong, tacky or rude about them.

banana468

Ms2MrsViney said:

And again as I said 100 times that's your choice and your opinion

And you're not getting it. Going against what is proper makes you wrong. This is NOT A MATTER OF OPINION.

lyndausvi

Ms2MrsViney said:

Who says you even have to have a drink? Having a cash bar isn't a right or wrong choice it's not wrong to have a cash bar if it's so wrong why is it even an option? Because it's not wrong it's personal preference and you prefer free drinks and that's fine however it's not wrong

Because venues are in the business to make money.  They make more money off of a cash bar than no bar.  They couldn't care less about etiquette all the care about is the bottom line. 

Jen4948

Ms2MrsViney said:

You can go on all day I really don't care. Everything you're saying is your opinion. so is etiquette it's someone's opinion of how something should be. How you do it is up to you not anyone else. Cash bar or not it won't make or break a wedding I've been to plenty.

Lose the fucking "opinion" crap.

Etiquette is not "opinion."  Or rather, it is collective opinion, not individual opinion.  Your individual opinion that it is okay to have a cash bar is rude.  You are not going to convince anyone here that it is not.  And if you don't care, don't waste our time by asking.