Maid of Dishonor

logana1 · January 2014

emmaxbean93 said:

QQ, how much do you plan on looking at your wedding pictures? You say that's all that really matters over your BP's comfort (Which is shitty,sorry not sorry) and in reality, is not the most important part. You might have stated it, but being MARRIED is the goal of a wedding. Not matching outfits, or pictures. Yeah, they are great to have after the wedding. However, unless you plan on making wall paper out of your wedding pictures, you will barely see them or look at them.

No need to get that hyped up about the "Wedding Look," because that is something that the wedding industry and a lot of times (Pinterest) spew out at us brides. So in general, it doesn't make every bride different, if all of those same ideas are out there floating around waiting to be used...which they will, ya know?

I plan on looking at them a lot actually. And having most of them posted around my home.

Emmy1493 · January 2014

Double post.

Emmy1493 · January 2014

emmaxbean93 said:

QQ, how much do you plan on looking at your wedding pictures? You say that's all that really matters over your BP's comfort (Which is shitty,sorry not sorry) and in reality, is not the most important part. You might have stated it, but being MARRIED is the goal of a wedding. Not matching outfits, or pictures. Yeah, they are great to have after the wedding. However, unless you plan on making wall paper out of your wedding pictures, you will barely see them or look at them.

No need to get that hyped up about the "Wedding Look," because that is something that the wedding industry and a lot of times (Pinterest) spew out at us brides. So in general, it doesn't make every bride different, if all of those same ideas are out there floating around waiting to be used...which they will, ya know?

I plan on looking at them a lot actually. And having most of them posted around my home.

SIB:

I get that you will have them hanging in your home, and yes they will of course be looked at, but stared at..? Don't think so. I think to say that your pictures are most importnant and not how your BP feels is rude and selfish to put it bluntly.What if the dress you wanted so badly made one of your ladies super uncomfortable, they would just have to suck it up because it's YOUR day? Oh jeeze....

ETA: Clarification

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

vt&dt said:

OP, I think you've already decided that the way you envision your wedding ceremony and pictures looking is more important than your friendship with this girl.

As sad as that is, I don't think any amount of discussion is going to change your mind.

I wonder if, after you've kicked her out of your BP ("offering" her the choice is pretty much the same thing - heavily hinting that you don't want her there any more) and your wedding is over... you get the pictures and miss having her in them, non-matching shoes and dermal piercings and all.

I would not. Even when I try to have a normal non wedding convo with her, I get pushed aside for whatever is more important to her on her phone.

**Stuck in the darn box*

Well then here is an answer to your original question. You can sugar-coat as best you want how you want to inform your BM that she is no longer in the wedding. She most likely will not want to come to the wedding especially because of the reasons why you no longer want her in the wedding. If she does then more power to her. Tell her that she is no longer allowed in the wedding and from what it sounds like, this relationship is going to hell in a hand basket so I see no reason to even bother lying. Explain you want everyone be dressed exact same way and since that is so important, way more than friendship, she just can't be a part of your day.

I do have one question though is put yourself in her shoes. What if one day you changed - say you had a child and became fat and your FH just threw his hands in the air and said "Sorry no deal. We're no longer married. You aren't changing like I want you too. I want you to loose weight. You haven't done it. We're done." How would that make you feel? It would hurt a lot, hearing that someone so close to you valued looks over true friendship and love. You most likely will not change your mind but this is just food for thought.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

logana1 said:

emmaxbean93 said:

QQ, how much do you plan on looking at your wedding pictures? You say that's all that really matters over your BP's comfort (Which is shitty,sorry not sorry) and in reality, is not the most important part. You might have stated it, but being MARRIED is the goal of a wedding. Not matching outfits, or pictures. Yeah, they are great to have after the wedding. However, unless you plan on making wall paper out of your wedding pictures, you will barely see them or look at them.

No need to get that hyped up about the "Wedding Look," because that is something that the wedding industry and a lot of times (Pinterest) spew out at us brides. So in general, it doesn't make every bride different, if all of those same ideas are out there floating around waiting to be used...which they will, ya know?

I plan on looking at them a lot actually. And having most of them posted around my home.

You will look at them a lot when you first get them. After a year you will look at them periodically. After that you will hardly look at them. Unless you plan to look at your photos with a magnifying glass to gaze at the matching jewelry the matchy-matchy that you are going for will not matter.

As for putting them up in your home. I have 6-7 posted in my home. The one of the wedding party is that of the whole wedding party and it is in black and white. Whatever jewelry or shoes my girls were wearing can't even be seen.

logana1 · January 2014

"I do have one question though is put yourself in her shoes. What if one day you changed - say you had a child and became fat and your FH just threw his hands in the air and said "Sorry no deal. We're no longer married. You aren't changing like I want you too. I want you to loose weight. You haven't done it. We're done." How would that make you feel? It would hurt a lot, hearing that someone so close to you valued looks over true friendship and love. You most likely will not change your mind but this is just food for thought."

I'm sorry, that's comparing apples to oranges there. If I was in her wedding and she asked me to wear something specific, I would, no questions asked.

Emmy1493 · January 2014

Maggie0829 said:

logana1 said:

emmaxbean93 said:

QQ, how much do you plan on looking at your wedding pictures? You say that's all that really matters over your BP's comfort (Which is shitty,sorry not sorry) and in reality, is not the most important part. You might have stated it, but being MARRIED is the goal of a wedding. Not matching outfits, or pictures. Yeah, they are great to have after the wedding. However, unless you plan on making wall paper out of your wedding pictures, you will barely see them or look at them.

No need to get that hyped up about the "Wedding Look," because that is something that the wedding industry and a lot of times (Pinterest) spew out at us brides. So in general, it doesn't make every bride different, if all of those same ideas are out there floating around waiting to be used...which they will, ya know?

I plan on looking at them a lot actually. And having most of them posted around my home.

You will look at them a lot when you first get them. After a year you will look at them periodically. After that you will hardly look at them. Unless you plan to look at your photos with a magnifying glass to gaze at the matching jewelry the matchy-matchy that you are going for will not matter.

As for putting them up in your home. I have 6-7 posted in my home. The one of the wedding party is that of the whole wedding party and it is in black and white. Whatever jewelry or shoes my girls were wearing can't even be seen.

Understandable. I will too, I know it. But after awhile maybe not so much. I guess I am just different in the fact that when I get pictures, I look over them myself and then with others a few times. After that, not really. I just don't think its something to get too worked up about, OP. Don't let your friendship/s get weird over your pictures. I promise, it really won't matter after all is said and done.

banana468 · January 2014

logana1 said:
"I do have one question though is put yourself in her shoes. What if one day you changed - say you had a child and became fat and your FH just threw his hands in the air and said "Sorry no deal. We're no longer married. You aren't changing like I want you too. I want you to loose weight. You haven't done it. We're done." How would that make you feel? It would hurt a lot, hearing that someone so close to you valued looks over true friendship and love. You most likely will not change your mind but this is just food for thought."

I'm sorry, that's comparing apples to oranges there. If I was in her wedding and she asked me to wear something specific, I would, no questions asked.

And what would you do if your husband thought you should change the way you dress for him?

vh2014 · January 2014

I've been a BM and MOH in a few weddings and I am going to be a BM again soon after I am a bride. I have no idea what the next dress I am wearing looks like but I know I'll pay for it, and whatever shoes she wants me to wear. I love her to death and want her wedding to be her way. I've been in weddings where friends have covered up tattoos for the ceremony and pictures because the bride asked them too (not me, but I did appreciate the effort the other BM made). I've worn dresses that well.. Let's say I identify with the 27 dresses movie. LOL. All that said.. it was about the relationship. I did it willingly because I wanted my friend (or relative) to be happy on their wedding day and it wasn't worth fighting over.

I agree with the PP- sit down and have a talk with her. Hopefully, you picked her for your MOH because she was your best friend in the world. If she was, then the relationship deserves some extra effort. If you are also her best friend in the world, she'll want you to be happy too. Sometimes people grow apart and change. Maybe she doesn't want to be your MOH anymore and just doesn't want to tell you. I'd ask her that, and tell her she can still be your best friend even if she doesn't want to be involved in the wedding party. You won't judge her for that (and don't). Ask what role she would like to play.

As for attacking or not attacking... I learned a long time ago to assume positive intent and that people are trying to help. And if I don't like what you say... well, I don't know you anyway and I can pretend you are just insanely jealous of my awesomeness. LOL Seriously, none of us know the whole story of the other, traditions and customs very in different parts of the country, and relationships and families are always tricky so don't take it to heart. (Think of slurping in China(?) is a compliment and here in the south it would be absolutely horrible manners). Lots of points of view... pick which one you can live with later but take them all into consideration as the way other people may think- right or wrong.

logana1 · January 2014

banana468 said:

"I do have one question though is put yourself in her shoes. What if one day you changed - say you had a child and became fat and your FH just threw his hands in the air and said "Sorry no deal. We're no longer married. You aren't changing like I want you too. I want you to loose weight. You haven't done it. We're done." How would that make you feel? It would hurt a lot, hearing that someone so close to you valued looks over true friendship and love. You most likely will not change your mind but this is just food for thought."

I'm sorry, that's comparing apples to oranges there. If I was in her wedding and she asked me to wear something specific, I would, no questions asked.
And what would you do if your husband thought you should change the way you dress for him?

Good Question (even though it doesn't matter to the situation), but he did ask me to change how I dressed, and you know what, I did.

logana1 · January 2014

valharte said:

I've been a BM and MOH in a few weddings and I am going to be a BM again soon after I am a bride. I have no idea what the next dress I am wearing looks like but I know I'll pay for it, and whatever shoes she wants me to wear. I love her to death and want her wedding to be her way. I've been in weddings where friends have covered up tattoos for the ceremony and pictures because the bride asked them too (not me, but I did appreciate the effort the other BM made). I've worn dresses that well.. Let's say I identify with the 27 dresses movie. LOL. All that said.. it was about the relationship. I did it willingly because I wanted my friend (or relative) to be happy on their wedding day and it wasn't worth fighting over.

I agree with the PP- sit down and have a talk with her. Hopefully, you picked her for your MOH because she was your best friend in the world. If she was, then the relationship deserves some extra effort. If you are also her best friend in the world, she'll want you to be happy too. Sometimes people grow apart and change. Maybe she doesn't want to be your MOH anymore and just doesn't want to tell you. I'd ask her that, and tell her she can still be your best friend even if she doesn't want to be involved in the wedding party. You won't judge her for that (and don't). Ask what role she would like to play.

As for attacking or not attacking... I learned a long time ago to assume positive intent and that people are trying to help. And if I don't like what you say... well, I don't know you anyway and I can pretend you are just insanely jealous of my awesomeness. LOL Seriously, none of us know the whole story of the other, traditions and customs very in different parts of the country, and relationships and families are always tricky so don't take it to heart. (Think of slurping in China(?) is a compliment and here in the south it would be absolutely horrible manners). Lots of points of view... pick which one you can live with later but take them all into consideration as the way other people may think- right or wrong.

Thank you. I like this.

doeydo · January 2014

banana468 said:

"I do have one question though is put yourself in her shoes. What if one day you changed - say you had a child and became fat and your FH just threw his hands in the air and said "Sorry no deal. We're no longer married. You aren't changing like I want you too. I want you to loose weight. You haven't done it. We're done." How would that make you feel? It would hurt a lot, hearing that someone so close to you valued looks over true friendship and love. You most likely will not change your mind but this is just food for thought."

I'm sorry, that's comparing apples to oranges there. If I was in her wedding and she asked me to wear something specific, I would, no questions asked.
And what would you do if your husband thought you should change the way you dress for him?

Good Question (even though it doesn't matter to the situation), but he did ask me to change how I dressed, and you know what, I did.

What? Was there something 'wrong' with the way you dressed (ie. way too revealing)? Because that seems extremely controlling and is a red flag for me.

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

logana1 said:

"I do have one question though is put yourself in her shoes. What if one day you changed - say you had a child and became fat and your FH just threw his hands in the air and said "Sorry no deal. We're no longer married. You aren't changing like I want you too. I want you to loose weight. You haven't done it. We're done." How would that make you feel? It would hurt a lot, hearing that someone so close to you valued looks over true friendship and love. You most likely will not change your mind but this is just food for thought."

I'm sorry, that's comparing apples to oranges there. If I was in her wedding and she asked me to wear something specific, I would, no questions asked.

logana1 said:

banana468 said:

"I do have one question though is put yourself in her shoes. What if one day you changed - say you had a child and became fat and your FH just threw his hands in the air and said "Sorry no deal. We're no longer married. You aren't changing like I want you too. I want you to loose weight. You haven't done it. We're done." How would that make you feel? It would hurt a lot, hearing that someone so close to you valued looks over true friendship and love. You most likely will not change your mind but this is just food for thought."

I'm sorry, that's comparing apples to oranges there. If I was in her wedding and she asked me to wear something specific, I would, no questions asked.
And what would you do if your husband thought you should change the way you dress for him?

Good Question (even though it doesn't matter to the situation), but he did ask me to change how I dressed, and you know what, I did.

You're taking things too literally. I am trying to make a comparison asking you to put yourself in her shoes. Here, maybe this is more simple - friend asks you to cut all of your hair off for a wedding and wear horrid shoes that costs hundreds of dollars for 12 hours that pinch your toes and cause bleeding for her wedding day. You really don't want to and make this obvious to her and she says "well my photos are my important than this friendship so I no longer want you in my wedding." To hear that would probably hurt, right? You would most likely sit there baffled thinking, "but my toes are bleeding and your photos are more important?!"

logana1 · January 2014

doeydo said:

banana468 said:

"I do have one question though is put yourself in her shoes. What if one day you changed - say you had a child and became fat and your FH just threw his hands in the air and said "Sorry no deal. We're no longer married. You aren't changing like I want you too. I want you to loose weight. You haven't done it. We're done." How would that make you feel? It would hurt a lot, hearing that someone so close to you valued looks over true friendship and love. You most likely will not change your mind but this is just food for thought."

I'm sorry, that's comparing apples to oranges there. If I was in her wedding and she asked me to wear something specific, I would, no questions asked.
And what would you do if your husband thought you should change the way you dress for him?

Good Question (even though it doesn't matter to the situation), but he did ask me to change how I dressed, and you know what, I did.

What? Was there something 'wrong' with the way you dressed (ie. way too revealing)? Because that seems extremely controlling and is a red flag for me.

Actually the opposite. I would come home after working and go straight to pj's. He wanted an inbetween for a few hours. I wear a suit to work and hate it, so as soon as I come home, I use to switch out to pj's and slippers.

logana1 · January 2014

ChemFanatic25 said:

logana1 said:

"I do have one question though is put yourself in her shoes. What if one day you changed - say you had a child and became fat and your FH just threw his hands in the air and said "Sorry no deal. We're no longer married. You aren't changing like I want you too. I want you to loose weight. You haven't done it. We're done." How would that make you feel? It would hurt a lot, hearing that someone so close to you valued looks over true friendship and love. You most likely will not change your mind but this is just food for thought."

I'm sorry, that's comparing apples to oranges there. If I was in her wedding and she asked me to wear something specific, I would, no questions asked.

logana1 said:

banana468 said:

"I do have one question though is put yourself in her shoes. What if one day you changed - say you had a child and became fat and your FH just threw his hands in the air and said "Sorry no deal. We're no longer married. You aren't changing like I want you too. I want you to loose weight. You haven't done it. We're done." How would that make you feel? It would hurt a lot, hearing that someone so close to you valued looks over true friendship and love. You most likely will not change your mind but this is just food for thought."

I'm sorry, that's comparing apples to oranges there. If I was in her wedding and she asked me to wear something specific, I would, no questions asked.
And what would you do if your husband thought you should change the way you dress for him?

Good Question (even though it doesn't matter to the situation), but he did ask me to change how I dressed, and you know what, I did.

You're taking things too literally. I am trying to make a comparison asking you to put yourself in her shoes. Here, maybe this is more simple - friend asks you to cut all of your hair off for a wedding and wear horrid shoes that costs hundreds of dollars for 12 hours that pinch your toes and cause bleeding for her wedding day. You really don't want to and make this obvious to her and she says "well my photos are my important than this friendship so I no longer want you in my wedding." To hear that would probably hurt, right? You would most likely sit there baffled thinking, "but my toes are bleeding and your photos are more important?!"

I know this is hard to believe, but I'm not the only bride who thinks like this.

PrettyGirlLost · January 2014

logana1 said:

I know this is hard to believe, but I'm not the only bride who thinks like this.

Unfortunately, we know.

MyNameIsNot · January 2014

logana1 said:

banana468 said:

"I do have one question though is put yourself in her shoes. What if one day you changed - say you had a child and became fat and your FH just threw his hands in the air and said "Sorry no deal. We're no longer married. You aren't changing like I want you too. I want you to loose weight. You haven't done it. We're done." How would that make you feel? It would hurt a lot, hearing that someone so close to you valued looks over true friendship and love. You most likely will not change your mind but this is just food for thought."

I'm sorry, that's comparing apples to oranges there. If I was in her wedding and she asked me to wear something specific, I would, no questions asked.
And what would you do if your husband thought you should change the way you dress for him?

Good Question (even though it doesn't matter to the situation), but he did ask me to change how I dressed, and you know what, I did.

Well, at least you're marrying someone who is as superficial and selfish as you are.

Good luck with that. I stand by my earlier comment. You need to tell this friend that you care more about looks than you do about her. She deserves to know.

logana1 · January 2014

Ms2MrsViney said:

Honey what you and your husband do for one another is YOUR business you don't have to explain yourself to anyone and shouldn't be called names for it either. People on here are acting like they are in high school right now. Dressing different for YOUR man, losing weight for YOUR man, doing anything for your man YOU are comfortable with doesn't make you less anything and doesn't make your man an ass either. What works for you as a couple, works for you.

Exactly!

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

Ms2MrsViney said:

Honey what you and your husband do for one another is YOUR business you don't have to explain yourself to anyone and shouldn't be called names for it either. People on here are acting like they are in high school right now. Dressing different for YOUR man, losing weight for YOUR man, doing anything for your man YOU are comfortable with doesn't make you less anything and doesn't make your man an ass either. What works for you as a couple, works for you. I totally agree with @valharte. I've been a bridesmaid and it was whatever the bride wanted BECAUSE I am NOT selfish. They are getting that twisted here. A bride picks out a dress for her bridesmaids and one tells her no and that's not selfish? But the bride is selfish cause one bridesmaid doesn't like it? That's ass backwards. You say she cares about looks yet the bridesmaid won't wear it cause she care how SHE looks. It's the same damn thing. Smh

Goodness gracious. I was trying to make an example - something to help her form an idea in her head. I had no idea that her FH wanted her to change the way she dressed. If OP hadn't said anything we would have been none the wiser. It was an example, a metaphor, an allegory, an analogy, NOT saying that this was actually happening to her.

OP, I am curious. You have heard multiple opinions and it seems you have developed an opinion of your own. What do you plan on doing now?

ChemFanatic25 · January 2014

Ms2MrsViney said:

@chemfanatic25 that wasn't specially directed towards you at all, I should've put their names in it, it was for the ones calling her and her husbands names for it. Sorry for the confusion.

That's okay. Thanks for clarifying because it did feel like it was directed towards me and one other poster and I didn't think that our posts were rude whatsoever. I can only speak for myself but I just wanted to clarify the situation.

logana1 · January 2014

ChemFanatic25 said:

Ms2MrsViney said:

Honey what you and your husband do for one another is YOUR business you don't have to explain yourself to anyone and shouldn't be called names for it either. People on here are acting like they are in high school right now. Dressing different for YOUR man, losing weight for YOUR man, doing anything for your man YOU are comfortable with doesn't make you less anything and doesn't make your man an ass either. What works for you as a couple, works for you. I totally agree with @valharte. I've been a bridesmaid and it was whatever the bride wanted BECAUSE I am NOT selfish. They are getting that twisted here. A bride picks out a dress for her bridesmaids and one tells her no and that's not selfish? But the bride is selfish cause one bridesmaid doesn't like it? That's ass backwards. You say she cares about looks yet the bridesmaid won't wear it cause she care how SHE looks. It's the same damn thing. Smh

Goodness gracious. I was trying to make an example - something to help her form an idea in her head. I had no idea that her FH wanted her to change the way she dressed. If OP hadn't said anything we would have been none the wiser. It was an example, a metaphor, an allegory, an analogy, NOT saying that this was actually happening to her.

OP, I am curious. You have heard multiple opinions and it seems you have developed an opinion of your own. What do you plan on doing now?

I plan on talking to her and restating my expecations while giving her a chance to explain maybe why she's saying no to everything. It's not new to her that I wanted everything matching to begin with. All the girls knew that. I mean, she could be acting out because she doesn't want to be in the wedding anymore and not know how to tell me for all I know. But in the end she gets the option of in or out and it's up to her. Do I want her to be there? Yes, absolutely. Do I want all my girls wearing the same outfit, yes, absolutely. And they knew that when I asked.

Maggie0829 · January 2014

@logana1 - please do yourself and this girl a favor and kick her out of your wedding immediately. If she bought a dress already then reimburse her. You will be happier because you will have no one questioning your vision and she will be happier to be rid of such a superficial friend.

banana468 · January 2014

Please note: no one with half a functioning brain or an ounce of self respect would take advice from the troll.

banana468 · January 2014

Ms2MrsViney said:
@banana498 here you go again with your high school bs. It's sad to see really especially since you kick, scream and y'all about proper etiquette yet you half ass apply it.

Please indicate where I neglected to use proper etiquette.

Also, how does one y'all?

logana1 · January 2014

banana468 said:

@banana498 here you go again with your high school bs. It's sad to see really especially since you kick, scream and y'all about proper etiquette yet you half ass apply it.
Please indicate where I neglected to use proper etiquette. Also, how does one y'all?

In reference to bolded text AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that is the funniest thing I have read. Awesomely hilarious come back. You guys are just getting silly now.

antibride2013 · January 2014

OP you are a beyond horrible "friend" and human being.

And I BET when you kick her out, you already have a replacement lined up huh........because Ya know, you HAVE to have pretty pictures.

You seem like a Entitled Brat.

banana468 · January 2014

logana1 said:

banana468 said:

Ms2MrsViney said:
@banana498 here you go again with your high school bs. It's sad to see really especially since you kick, scream and y'all about proper etiquette yet you half ass apply it.
Please indicate where I neglected to use proper etiquette.

Also, how does one y'all?

In reference to bolded text AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that is the funniest thing I have read. Awesomely hilarious come back. You guys are just getting silly now.

She is using the word as a verb. I'm honestly curious about its grammatical usage.

logana1 · January 2014

antibride2013 said:

OP you are a beyond horrible "friend" and human being.

And I BET when you kick her out, you already have a replacement lined up huh........because Ya know, you HAVE to have pretty pictures.

You seem like a Entitled Brat.

Aw, you put your two cents in...do you feel better now?

antibride2013 · January 2014

logana1 said:

Aw, you put your two cents in...do you feel better now?

And you continue to show your maturity level.

logana1 · January 2014

antibride2013 said:

logana1 said:

Aw, you put your two cents in...do you feel better now?
And you continue to show your maturity level.

It's a good thing you know everything about me and can pin point my personality exactly. Saves me the time to figure it out myself

Maid of Dishonor

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