Maid of Dishonor
Over the past 8 months, I have picked my bridal party, dresses, and have been having a blast sharing ideas with my girls getting ready for the big day in July. In addition to the wedding, I have been dealing with a seriously family illness with my mom, which has been causing me to take multiple trips to Michigan to be by her side.
The first instance of me needing to leave, I knew a few days in advance and had to make arrangements with work, as did my fiance. I pre-warned the party that I may be leaving as we had scheduled to all go together to purchase my wedding dress, look at bridesmaid gowns and do lunch so they can all get to know one another. They all said, we're praying for you and keep us posted. Once all plans were confirmed that my fiance and I were leaving town, I sent out the email of regrets and various dates to reschedule the shopping date a month later. I received an email from my MOH that simly said "Good, I made a hair appointment for the same time." I asked her when this appointment was made and she said a few days before I even announced that I might be leaving town. So she had already planned on bailing on the afternoon. I was angry and just let the conversation go to focus on my mom. When I came back to town, I asked her if I hadn't left, what did she plan on doing about having two engagements to tend to in one day at the same time. Her responce was her hair was more important to her because if she didn't take that appointment, she couldn't get in for another week to her stylist.
A few weeks went by and the next date to go dress shopping came up. She actually came and was trying on dresses, having a good time with all the girls. We went with a dress that was considered "special occasion" and not bridesmaid so we were advised by davids bridal to buy the dress now and not wait, as not all the sizes needed will be available for very long. She couldn't afford her dress right away so I ordered it for her, under the understanding she would pay me back. That was in November. I have asked her twice, and she keeps saying "at the end of the month" she'll have the money. Then something comes up and she no longer has the money. I honestly don't mind when she can afford to pay me back, but the promise of soon and then backing out on it is what I find upsetting.
On pinterest, I started a board for us all to share and pin on so they can show me hair styles, make-up, shoes, and jewlery they like. I have planned on purchasing the jewelry as my gift to them all along, and the MOH has gauged earrings. In my search for jewelry, I found a gauge plug that allows you to put any standard earring in it and as long as the front is big enough, it hides the fact that it's a gauge all together. It's important to me that they wear the same jewelry. I like the idea of everyone having the same look. Since the gauges were a specialty item, I asked her opinion on them and if she would consider wearing them for the wedding. I was immediately shot down with the idea by a blunt "No, I absolutely will not wear those. They're expensive and I've already been picking out earrings that will fit my guages." I explained to her that the jewelry was going to be my gift and I would pay for the gauge converters, but she wouldn't have it. I also explained to her that I wanted everyone to look the same for the pictures and the response I got was "That's stupid. No one does that anymore for weddings."
When I emailed the girls an idea for a pair of shoes, the other two girls were completely on board with a cute ballet flat with gems on the toe that matched the dress. Her responce was "that's too expensive of a shoe." It is a $60 Nine West Ballet Flat. I thought that was reasonable, considering I just went shopping with her the previous week and watched her spend over $90 on pair of slip on loafers.
I wanted to talk to her before the holidays and ask if maybe she didn't realize the financial responsibility it means to be in a bridal party, but she wouldn't make time for me. Whenever I ask her to hang out even, just for drinks or shopping, she tells me I live too far away and I have to come to her, but then she won't pick a time or a day to hang out.
Today she kind of hit the last straw with me and emailed me a picture of some new piercings she got. Dermals, in the side of her face. Typical cost to have those done is $50 and she got two of them. That doesn't include the cost of jewelry. Now, I'm not against piercings, I have a few cartilage piercings myself, but dermals in the side of her face kind of push my limits. I don't like the idea of those being in my wedding photos the rest of my life.
Even the two other girls are starting to ask me what is up with her/what's her deal because she has had nothing but negative things to say or an unpleasant attitude the whole time.
I know it's not the nicest thing to tell someone you're no longer in the wedding party, but I plan on suggesting maybe she would be more comfortable as a guest? Thoughts? Suggestions?
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Re: Maid of Dishonor
I have considered this being friendship ending. I've been thinking about it for several months since the first issue of the hair appointed vs. dressing shopping came up.
When I originally asked her, she was super excited. She would constantly say to me "I can't wait for you to get married! I wish it was happening sooner." Once we started making plans and picking things out, that's when she started getting sour about things.
Ignoring me and not wanting to take time to even just hang out together is not typical behavior of her at all. She and I would drop anything to spend some time together. Now I'm lucky if I get a few minutes to talk to her on facebook chat, let alone a text. I have been trying to ask her about other aspects of her life (work, her new relationship, her family) and the most I get is "it's good. Super busy, but good".
I disagree with your interpretation of the situation. I'm not basing this simply off her "not being cooperative with my schedule". In fact, nothing has ever been based off of my schedule. I let them know when I have some time and when I'd like to go do something and if they can't make it, I adjust my schedule so they can. The only thing I've asked them to dedicate some time to so far was going dress shopping. Nothing else. I only say this to defend myself as you are not the first to suggest the idea that I am expecting them to cater to me. So far, I've asked for their opinions on items like shoes and jewelry because they have to wear it, I want their opinion. The flat out rude responses I have been getting from her is what is making me upset.
I've been reading on several boards about how "you can't kick someone out of your bridal party once you've asked." I think this is an old fashioned way of thinking. I took my time and a lot of thought into who I wanted to ask to be in my bridal party. Even if you think someone is your most perfect best friend in the whole world, friendships can still die off in the midst of planning and preparing for a wedding.
I am aware that the universe doesn't revolve around me and the wedding. I'm not asking them to surround themselves in my wedding planning. I am asking them to give me input on what they like and what they don't like. The fact that she's using me as a sounding board for what she doesn't like about what I'm picking is hurting my feelings. It's hard for me to not withdraw from the friendship myself, but in the attempts I've made to try and see whats up, she won't budge.
I've been advised by several people to suggest she step aside, the fiance included, what I'm looking for here ladies, is some advice as to not completely hurt her. There's going to be hurt, I understand that, and I'll probably lose her as a friend, but based on how she's behaving and ignoring me wanting to just hang out with her like we use to before I asked her to be in the wedding, I'm thinking it isn't a total loss.
You need to take your wedding out of the equation. Would you like to continue having a friendship with her? If yes, then stop talking about anything wedding related with her. If you need a sounding board on ideas, ask us here. We love weddings!
Her dress has already been purchased for her, but did you really expect her to pay you back when you say yourself that she barely has money for bills and food? You say she spends frivolously, did you expect her to stop just because you are getting married? Remember that no one will be as excited about this wedding as you and FI are. That will help you a lot in wedding planning. Also, $60 is a lot to spend on a pair of shoes that someone may not like or ever want to wear again.
But if you do want to end the friendship with her. Call her on the phone (not text or fb), tell her "Sally, we seem to be drifting apart and heading in different directions in life. I want you to know that I valued our friendship while we were close, but at this point, I'm sorry to say I don't feel like we can continue it. I wish you nothing but happiness in the future." There is no need to further explain, even if she asks. Then don't replace her or make someone else a MOH - leave the WP as is. Try selling her dress online to recoup some of the money.
Right. I agree. Thank you for your suggestion. I'll have to think about how would I feel if someone said the same thing to me.
2. What you think is a reasonable cost for a shoe is irrelevant (again, this isn't attacking you). You need to ask everyone how much they can afford and go from there. Why do they even all need new shoes? If you are going to require shoes, you need to pay for them.
3. When you say she "didn't realize the financial responsibility it means to be in a bridal party"...did you ask each bridesmaid how much they could afford to spend on attire? If she said "I can spend $200" and you are within that budget, then that's her problem. But it sounds like maybe she thought she just needed a dress and now shoes are involved and she didn't know about that originally. Again, just making an observation, not an attack.
4. How much she spends on dermals and loafers is irrelevant. Just because she spends money on those things does not mean she wants to spend more money on your wedding. You really can't say "oh you spend $50 on something you really wanted for yourself, so now you should obviously be able to spend $50 on my wedding." It just doesn't work that way. She still has a life outside of your wedding. Sorry. Not attacking!!
5. It sounds like maybe she is being unpleasant and negative because you sound like you may be a little unpleasant and negative about all of this also. That's how you come off in this post, anyway. Is it possible that you come off this way in real life? Maybe she can sense that having no facial piercings in your wedding photos is more important than having a good friend stand up next to you on your wedding day. Just a guess, again I don't know, and I'm not attacking you.
The only reason I say attack is because after looking through several questions on different community boards, most people who respond do the same exact thing:
-Read the situation
-Ignore the question that was actually asked
-If they don't give enough background information, responders assume things (which is why I gave so much information in the first place)
-Then responders judge everything else they think the bride is doing wrong.
That's all.
Most of the time, the question that is asked is being ignored because the bride in question is having crazy high expectiations of the BP, MOH, MOB, FMIL, etc. Sometimes the problem isn't actually the other person, it's the bride. We will give you advice based on keeping your family and friends after the wedding, not having them talk about you behind your back due to your behavior. Sometimes brides have such blinders on that they forget these people are their friends and family. One wedding I was in, 3 of the brides friends no longer talk to her due to how we were treated during the wedding planning process.
We have until July, so there's plenty of time to pick other shoes and what not. The other girls don't have any problems with the items I'm asking for their opinion on. Any time I suggest something, it's just that. Wanting their opinion. There has yet to be one thing she has liked. The way my suggestions are constantly getting shot down by her is whats so discouraging. The other girls have no problem saying no, but then offer other ideas. She's just a straight "No, I hate that/I don't like that/I won't wear that."
Maybe i'm old fashioned, or just don't fit in to the "etiquette" that other brides on here agree with, but when i've said yes to be in a BM party i logically expect to be told what to wear, have to drop a little bit of money, and plan on doing what ever i can to make sure the bride is happy. This of course doesn't include really outrageous stuff like, cutting your hair a certain way, dropping a million dollars, or loosing a bunch of weight(although i'd try to do this anyway).But you don't seem to have asked for anything outrageous! Do you ever watch Say Yes to the dress: Bridesmaids? Those girls are ridiculous complaining that they don't like the dresses, or that they think they should be able to pick out styles(if the bride isn't into that).... it isn't about them, it's about the Bride. I once had to wear a suit with a tie in a wedding party.. i felt ridiculous, but it's what the bride wanted- and in the end, who cares!
Overall though, it sounds like you are more hurt about the lack of friendship this girl has been displaying. Don't get caught up in your wedding stuff, really think about the friendship piece and fix that... if it's worth it to you.
Good luck!
Why did you buy dresses in November for a July wedding? You were played by David's Bridal. Did you ask each of your bridesmaids individually and privately what their budget was before going dress shopping?
Frankly, I don't see that she's done anything wrong. You say in a follow up post:
I am asking them to give me input on what they like and what they don't like. The fact that she's using me as a sounding board for what she doesn't like about what I'm picking is hurting my feelings.
You ask them for input on what they like and don't like, and then take offense when she tells you she doesn't like it? That's some bullshit right there.
Seriously, you need to cool your jets. It's 6 months to your wedding. Stop trying to dress your bridesmaids identically down to the jewelry and shoes and have a martini. Also, what you said about her new piercings and not wanting them in your wedding pictures? Get over it. Pictures are to record the day, not the thing around which your wedding and friendship decisions should be made. Seriously, these are your closest friends. They are not props. This is not a theater production. Your main concerns should be getting married to your husband and treating your guests well, not creating a pretty bridesmaid/groomsman backdrop for your photographs. The point of a MOH and bridesmaids is for you to honor the people closest to you by asking them to stand in support of your marriage.
No one was attacking you. Did you ask your friends what their budgets were? I personally think $60 is a lot to spend on a pair of ballet flats, especially if I will never wear them again. Also, of course Davids said you had to order NOW--they wanted their commission NOW too
Talk with your friend and arrange a payment plan so she can pay for her dress. It was nice of you to pay the cost upfront, but I would not have wanted to buy a dress right before christmas that would sit in my closet for 8 months. What people spend their money on is their business. I would put my hair budget over a shoe I had to wear in 8 months too. You need to decide if her friendship or your wedding is more important to you.