Ok to put attire on invitation?

jessstev

We are having a "black tie optional" wedding. I have that on our website but not sure if I should include on an information card (with other details) in the invitation as well. I would like guests to know so they don't feel uncomfortable - personally I always prefer some instruction, but is it ok etiquette wise?

lyndausvi

There is no such thing as black tie optional.  It's either is black tie or its not. 

 Either way the answer is no.

HisGirlFriday13

No. 

First of all, either your wedding is black tie or it's not, and if it is, then you may put "black tie" on the invitation.

In order for your wedding to be considered black tie, it must meet the following criteria: 

• Event begins after 6pm
• High end, indoor venue
  
• Valet service provided by the Bride and Groom
• Gloved service
• Hand passed hor d'ourves
  
• Top shelf open bar with full wine list and preferably with a sommelier on site to assist with wine choices.
  
• Multi course gourmet level plated meal- generally 5 to 7 courses, and preferably with dual entrees or tableside ordering
• Real china, silver ware, glassware, linens, etc
• Multi piece live band and and a DJ or secondary performers for when the main entertainment takes breaks
• High end decor and custom lighting
  
  (HT to @PrettyGirlLost, whose list I CCP'd from another thread, which you can find if you search the boards for 'black tie wedding')

JellyBean52513

jessstev said:

We are having a "black tie optional" wedding. I have that on our website but not sure if I should include on an information card (with other details) in the invitation as well. I would like guests to know so they don't feel uncomfortable - personally I always prefer some instruction, but is it ok etiquette wise?

Etiquette-wise, no it's not ok. By putting instructions somewhere, you're insinuating that adults don't know how to dress themselves for a formal event, which is rude. A true black tie wedding must meet several standards, and if it does not, it is "black tie optional" by nature, i.e., a formal event. 

OP, I promise your wedding won't be ruined or even slightly affected by how your guests are dressed. You probably won't even notice, and if you do, it will most likely be in photos long after the fact. 

CMGragain

No.  Just, no.

RebeccaB88

No one is going to rent a tux for your wedding, outside of the wedding party. Regardless of what you s, they just won't do it. As long as you booked a high end venue, sent very formal invitations, and everything is as fancy as you can afford to make it, people will dress appropriately. If they don't, they look bad, not you. Even if you are having a true black tie event, I promise you most people will show up in a suit or dress, not a tux or gown.

HaileyDancingbear

It's against etiquette  to tell people how to dress on your invite.  I know you're trying to be helpful, but it's not polite to tell a bunch of adults how they should dress.

It is perfectly acceptable, however, if you haven't already done so, to put plenty of info about your venue on your site- if it looks and sounds formal from the photos and description you post, your guests will dress accordingly.  For those who don't look at your site, just having the invite look formal will be enough to let guests know to dress up, without you having to flat out write it on there.  The only time you should really tell your guests what to wear is if they ask you- answering an honest question isn't against etiquette. 

Although in the end it doesn't really matter much how they dress.  If someone shows up in jeans and a t-shirt that's their choice, and if anyone thinks that's weird it'll be that guest getting side-eyed, not you.  

AddieCake

Absolutely not. The only time you put it is if your event IS black or white tie.

lovesclimbing

jessstev said:

We are having a "black tie optional" wedding. I have that on our website but not sure if I should include on an information card (with other details) in the invitation as well. I would like guests to know so they don't feel uncomfortable - personally I always prefer some instruction, but is it ok etiquette wise?

It's not ok etiquette-wise.  If a guest doesn't know what to wear or wants some instruction, they can always ask you or one of your family members or a member of the wedding party to get an idea.

If someone actually asks you what they should wear, I think it's ok to tell them what the bridal party and your parents will be wearing to give them an idea.  You shouldn't tell them specifically what to wear but give them some guidelines.  You could say something like, "Wear whatever you feel most comfortable in.  The bridesmaids and groomsmen will be in formal clothing.  The BMs will be wearing floor-length satin gowns and the GMs will be in tuxedos, but you are welcome to wear whatever you want."

Basically, you shouldn't tell people how to dress unsolicited (putting it on an invitation is unsolicited.)

My best friend, who sang at my wedding, asked me what the formality of my wedding was and what she should wear.  I basically said exactly what I wrote up there ^^.  I told her that she could whatever and that what the bridesmaids and parents were wearing would probably be considered semi-formal, or maybe one step below that.  

Senecaf

I feel like I see this post daily. Does no one read before they post?

HisGirlFriday13

Senecaf said:

I feel like I see this post daily. Does no one read before they post?

NO. Either they don't read or they think their circumstances are different/special/unique and they get a pass.

JCbride2015

Senecaf said:

I feel like I see this post daily. Does no one read before they post?

I feel like for some reason there's been a wave of this type of post recently.  The last week has been full of them.

Nope, you don't put attire on your invitation, unless it's a true black tie wedding.  Black tie optional doesn't exist.  It's always optional for guests to dress however they want.

agborensztein

I know I will be in the minority here, but the last several weddings I went to included the dress on the card, a few said black tie optional, and nobody I know was offended or confused. To me, "black tie optional" is helpful for women, because it gives you an idea of how formal a dress you should wear. It can be pretty stressful trying to figure out what to wear, and a little guidance is often appreciated, whether or not it technically goes with etiquette.

manateehugger

agborensztein said:

I know I will be in the minority here, but the last several weddings I went to included the dress on the card, a few said black tie optional, and nobody I know was offended or confused. To me, "black tie optional" is helpful for women, because it gives you an idea of how formal a dress you should wear. It can be pretty stressful trying to figure out what to wear, and a little guidance is often appreciated, whether or not it technically goes with etiquette.

Except the part where "black tie optional" doesn't mean anything. It's either black tie or not. If a guest is wondering about the formality, they should ask the hosts. 

I look at the invitation, the time, and the venue to determine my dress. Daytime wedding in a park? Cute sundress and wedges. Evening wedding in a ball room? Very dressy cocktail dress. 

agborensztein

FYI, 

From theknot.com etiquette answers itself, 

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/wedding-invitations-etiquette.aspx

Q. How do we let guests know our dress code? 
A. The easiest way to get your point across is to include a dress code in the lower right-hand corner of the invite or on a reception card; “black-tie,” “cocktail attire” or “casual attire” are all acceptable. Your invitation design will also clue guests in. An ultra-formal, traditional invite with letterpress and calligraphy will give guests a hint to the formal nature of the event, whereas a square invite with a playful font and bright colors would fit a much more casual style. Another way is to direct guests to your wedding website, where you can go into more detail about the weekend events and dress code in a more informal forum.

Seems like the Knot has no problem with putting attire on the invitation, just saying...

APDSS22

agborensztein said:

FYI, 

From theknot.com etiquette answers itself, 

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/wedding-invitations-etiquette.aspx

Q. How do we let guests know our dress code? 
A. The easiest way to get your point across is to include a dress code in the lower right-hand corner of the invite or on a reception card; “black-tie,” “cocktail attire” or “casual attire” are all acceptable. Your invitation design will also clue guests in. An ultra-formal, traditional invite with letterpress and calligraphy will give guests a hint to the formal nature of the event, whereas a square invite with a playful font and bright colors would fit a much more casual style. Another way is to direct guests to your wedding website, where you can go into more detail about the weekend events and dress code in a more informal forum.

Seems like the Knot has no problem with putting attire on the invitation, just saying...

Of course they don't, they're part of the wedding industry that perpetuates the idea that we need to alienate our guests, treat them like morons who don't know how to dress and spend as much money as possible on the "most special day" of a bride's life.

Viczaesar

agborensztein said:

FYI, 

From theknot.com etiquette answers itself, 

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/wedding-invitations-etiquette.aspx

Q. How do we let guests know our dress code? 
A. The easiest way to get your point across is to include a dress code in the lower right-hand corner of the invite or on a reception card; “black-tie,” “cocktail attire” or “casual attire” are all acceptable. Your invitation design will also clue guests in. An ultra-formal, traditional invite with letterpress and calligraphy will give guests a hint to the formal nature of the event, whereas a square invite with a playful font and bright colors would fit a much more casual style. Another way is to direct guests to your wedding website, where you can go into more detail about the weekend events and dress code in a more informal forum.

Seems like the Knot has no problem with putting attire on the invitation, just saying...

Good thing The Knot is not considered an authority on wedding etiquette.  Try Miss Manners instead.

NYCBruin

agborensztein said:

FYI, 

From theknot.com etiquette answers itself, 

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/wedding-invitations-etiquette.aspx

Q. How do we let guests know our dress code? 
A. The easiest way to get your point across is to include a dress code in the lower right-hand corner of the invite or on a reception card; “black-tie,” “cocktail attire” or “casual attire” are all acceptable. Your invitation design will also clue guests in. An ultra-formal, traditional invite with letterpress and calligraphy will give guests a hint to the formal nature of the event, whereas a square invite with a playful font and bright colors would fit a much more casual style. Another way is to direct guests to your wedding website, where you can go into more detail about the weekend events and dress code in a more informal forum.

Seems like the Knot has no problem with putting attire on the invitation, just saying...

The Knot frequently gives terrible advice. They are in the business of selling weddings. They do this by perpetuating the idea that the day is all about the bride because that helps them sell shit. They don't care if you do something rude as long as they make a buck.

monkeysip

Black tie optional just isn't helpful at all.  I don't think you should put attire on the invitation at all, but putting something as optional is even worse.  As a guest, I'm left wondering if I should wear black tie or not?

Also, I think a lot of couples mean simply "cocktail" or "formal attire" when they say "black tie optional"  I don't think most couples really are suggesting evening gowns and tuxes to their guests, but that's what black tie really means.

lyndausvi

The problem with black tie optional is black tie is one kick ass party.  It's 4-5+ course plated meals, full top shelf open bar, live music, white glove service among other things.     If you are having those things then it's black tie.  If you are not having those things, then it's not black tie.  Why would guests want to wear tuxes and formal gowns for an event that is not black tie?

AddieCake

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Senecaf said:

I feel like I see this post daily. Does no one read before they post?

NO. Either they don't read or they think their circumstances are different/special/unique and they get a pass.

You don't know my life!!!

lovesclimbing

agborensztein said:

I know I will be in the minority here, but the last several weddings I went to included the dress on the card, a few said black tie optional, and nobody I know was offended or confused. To me, "black tie optional" is helpful for women, because it gives you an idea of how formal a dress you should wear. It can be pretty stressful trying to figure out what to wear, and a little guidance is often appreciated, whether or not it technically goes with etiquette.

------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you read my post? If someone is confused, they always have the option of asking the bride and groom or a family member who can then tell them "wear whatever you would like and feel most comfortable in. The wedding party is wearing xyz."

HaileyDancingbear

@agborensztein

The Knot also posted about how you should wear white to work for a whole week after you get engaged, and most of the clothing they suggested was around the $1000 mark.  Just because The Knot says you should, does not mean you should.  Their main objective is to sell you stuff, not give sound advice.  Sometimes the two overlap and they post something worth reading, other times they don't.  

Sometimes I get bored and read their articles too, but it's always a good idea to compare what they say to what posters on here say- we're not trying to sell you anything, we're just going to be honest with you.  

NYCMercedes

@agborensztein, and do you think you have to have that silver/ pearl monogrammed bracelet they're always plugging, too?

AddieCake

Wait...you guys didn't buy the bracelet?

HisGirlFriday13

I thought the bracelet was supposed to be a BM gift.

Was I not supposed to buy one for all my BMs and give them to them on the day of the wedding for them to wear to the wedding as part of their uniform but also as a gift?

My bad.

grumbledore

jessstev said:

We are having a "black tie optional" wedding. I have that on our website but not sure if I should include on an information card (with other details) in the invitation as well. I would like guests to know so they don't feel uncomfortable - personally I always prefer some instruction, but is it ok etiquette wise?

I feel like I'm being punked on TK lately.

PrettyGirlLost

jessstev said:

We are having a "black tie optional" wedding. I have that on our website but not sure if I should include on an information card (with other details) in the invitation as well. I would like guests to know so they don't feel uncomfortable - personally I always prefer some instruction, but is it ok etiquette wise?

zitiqueen

Nudity optional.

16maybeless

Aside from etiquette, the thing that absolutely kills me about "black tie optional" is that it's the only way to ensure that at least half of your guests feel underdressed and the other half feel overdressed. It's confusing. The guest will have no idea what to expect as far as the formality of the event and the meal goes. The gentleman that shows up in a proper tux will feel silly next to the gentleman who came in khakis and a dress shirt, whose date is the woman who turns up in a skirt, blouse, and ballet flats, who in turn feels silly going to the ladies' room and there are three women in full satin evening gowns. 

I've been invited to a "black tie optional" wedding. I wore a long gown from RtR and got my hair done. I was more dressed up than the bridal party, who were in tea-length dresses and sandals, and felt like an asshat. 

Pls 2 not make your guests feel like asshats.

wrigleyville

agborensztein said:

FYI, 

From theknot.com etiquette answers itself, 

http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-invitations/articles/wedding-invitations-etiquette.aspx

Q. How do we let guests know our dress code? 
A. The easiest way to get your point across is to include a dress code in the lower right-hand corner of the invite or on a reception card; “black-tie,” “cocktail attire” or “casual attire” are all acceptable. Your invitation design will also clue guests in. An ultra-formal, traditional invite with letterpress and calligraphy will give guests a hint to the formal nature of the event, whereas a square invite with a playful font and bright colors would fit a much more casual style. Another way is to direct guests to your wedding website, where you can go into more detail about the weekend events and dress code in a more informal forum.

Seems like the Knot has no problem with putting attire on the invitation, just saying...

That phrase cheeses me off SO FREAKING MUCH. I see it on the internet all the time. It's like the person is saying, "Here's my opinion, and I'm going to be a snarky ass about it, but then I'm going to raise my hands up like I'm innocent."

Just say what you want to say and leave it at that. "Just saying..." is redundant (since you JUST SAID what you wanted to say) and makes you look like an assclown.