Ok to put attire on invitation?

Maggie0829

I had someone show up in jeans to my wedding and H's sister wore such a short dress that during the entire time while she was dancing many people were commenting on her purple colored thong. Did either of those things ruin my wedding?  Nope.  Did I care?  Nope.  Did I get a good chuckle later (mainly about H's sister)?  Yup.  Are my wedding pictures hideous because of what they wore?  Nope.  I don't even have a picture of the guest who wore jeans.

For the last time stop being so fucking concerned about your guests attire.  You have so many other things to worry about in regards to food, drinks, decor, your own outfit, getting there on time so why use up waste less energy on something that you cannot control?  No matter how you put it in your invites, or make a cute poem on your wedding website your guests will wear what they want.  Period.  End of discussion.

PrettyGirlLost

SuttonLaing said:

I know I will be in the minority here, but the last several weddings I went to included the dress on the card, a few said black tie optional, and nobody I know was offended or confused. To me, "black tie optional" is helpful for women, because it gives you an idea of how formal a dress you should wear. It can be pretty stressful trying to figure out what to wear, and a little guidance is often appreciated, whether or not it technically goes with etiquette.

The venue of the wedding ceremony and reception, the time of day, and the type of invitations tell you how formal the wedding is and how you should dress.  Wedding and reception outdoors in a garden at 2pm. . . wear a nice sundress or cocktail dress.

Wedding at a church followed by a reception in the evening in a historic building. . . wear a cocktail dress.

Black tie optional is hardly helpful because it says that I can either wear a floor length ballgown, or a cocktail dress. . . which is always an option to begin with!

Keopu

I am a bit bothered by this post. We will be adding "aloha attire" to our invitations and our website. For one, it's pretty standard practice here in Hawai‘i and let's people know it's okay to wear shorts or jeans, but it should be accompanied by a nice aloha shirt. 

The other thing is there's a cultural difference with about a third of our wedding party coming from the continent. When both my fiancé and I have been to friends' weddings in California and Arizona, the wedding attire was waaaaaaay different than here in Hawai‘i. If someone from the continent came in a blazer they would be totally overdressed and stick out like a sore thumb. But if we put casual and they came in shorts, slippers, and a polo shirt, they'd also stick out like a sore thumb for being too underdressed. It's a point of cultural education for us that we're willing to do and want to make sure our out-of-town guests understand. 

I just want to bring in the discussion of different cultures into the mix. Though I'm sure I'll be crucified for it.

NYCBruin

Keopu said:

I am a bit bothered by this post. We will be adding "aloha attire" to our invitations and our website. For one, it's pretty standard practice here in Hawai‘i and let's people know it's okay to wear shorts or jeans, but it should be accompanied by a nice aloha shirt. 

The other thing is there's a cultural difference with about a third of our wedding party coming from the continent. When both my fiancé and I have been to friends' weddings in California and Arizona, the wedding attire was waaaaaaay different than here in Hawai‘i. If someone from the continent came in a blazer they would be totally overdressed and stick out like a sore thumb. But if we put casual and they came in shorts, slippers, and a polo shirt, they'd also stick out like a sore thumb for being too underdressed. It's a point of cultural education for us that we're willing to do and want to make sure our out-of-town guests understand. 

I just want to bring in the discussion of different cultures into the mix. Though I'm sure I'll be crucified for it.

Etiquette aside, I'm just throwing it out there.  I would have no idea what "aloha attire" meant.  

NYCBruin

mandalynnecobb said:

im worried that im going to spend a ton of money and people will come dressed like its halloween...

Are you spending a ton of money to celebrate a major life event with your nearest and dearest or so that you can fulfill your "vision" of a "perfect" wedding?  Which is more important to you?

Keopu

We're looking to explain it to our guests who don't know. It's a matter of culture for us. I can imagine a mixed Hindu and Christian wedding might need similar help on attire for either or both ceremonies.

PrettyGirlLost

Keopu said:

I am a bit bothered by this post. We will be adding "aloha attire" to our invitations and our website. For one, it's pretty standard practice here in Hawai‘i and let's people know it's okay to wear shorts or jeans, but it should be accompanied by a nice aloha shirt. 

The other thing is there's a cultural difference with about a third of our wedding party coming from the continent. When both my fiancé and I have been to friends' weddings in California and Arizona, the wedding attire was waaaaaaay different than here in Hawai‘i. If someone from the continent came in a blazer they would be totally overdressed and stick out like a sore thumb. But if we put casual and they came in shorts, slippers, and a polo shirt, they'd also stick out like a sore thumb for being too underdressed. It's a point of cultural education for us that we're willing to do and want to make sure our out-of-town guests understand. 

I just want to bring in the discussion of different cultures into the mix. Though I'm sure I'll be crucified for it.

How is a polo shirt and shorts/jeans underdressed but a hawaiian print shirt and shorts/jeans not underdressed? Sounds like you are having a casual wedding.

If I was going to your wedding I would wear a nice summer dress and FI would wear a polo or short sleaved dress shirt and khakis.

Viczaesar

arrippa

Keopu said:

I am a bit bothered by this post. We will be adding "aloha attire" to our invitations and our website. For one, it's pretty standard practice here in Hawai‘i and let's people know it's okay to wear shorts or jeans, but it should be accompanied by a nice aloha shirt. 

The other thing is there's a cultural difference with about a third of our wedding party coming from the continent. When both my fiancé and I have been to friends' weddings in California and Arizona, the wedding attire was waaaaaaay different than here in Hawai‘i. If someone from the continent came in a blazer they would be totally overdressed and stick out like a sore thumb. But if we put casual and they came in shorts, slippers, and a polo shirt, they'd also stick out like a sore thumb for being too underdressed. It's a point of cultural education for us that we're willing to do and want to make sure our out-of-town guests understand. 

I just want to bring in the discussion of different cultures into the mix. Though I'm sure I'll be crucified for it.

So dramatic!

Last year, I went to a DW wedding in Maui on the beach. Everyone wore resort wear without having the invite say anything about attire. If you can't trust your guests to dress like adults, can you spread the word by mouth?

Keopu

Resort wear and aloha wear are two totally different things actually. 

artbyallie

Keopu said:

Resort wear and aloha wear are two totally different things actually. 

Well, evidently no one outside of Hawaii has any clue what the hell 'aloha wear' is. Putting it on your invitations will only confuse the people you claim to be trying to help. I for one, and likely many others, would not ask you what you mean by that upon receiving such an invitation, because I would assume it is not a real thing. Much like 'semi-formal' or the various other things people insist on putting like 'rustic chic' or whatever the crap the trend is on Pinterest these days.

MobKaz

What signal was emitted that drew you all here?

Writing anything about attire on an invitation is WRONG/RUDE.

You cannot dictate attire.  

Black tie optional does NOT exist.

No matter what you write, it WILL NOT guarantee any guest will follow your mandate because you CANNOT dictate how someone can dress.

If a guest does not dress in the manner in which you expect, particularly a costume (WTH?), are you planning on sending them home?

If no one said anything to you regarding the fact that you made a huge etiquette faux pas by indicating attire on your invitation, it is because THEY HAVE BETTER MANNERS THAN YOU.  It does not mean they did not find it rude and offensive. They simply chose not to right one rude with another rude.

I am hopeful that because there is a literal run of new posters here, that this is some sort of joke. 

chriscol09

I disagree with the majority of these people. It's your wedding! Put black tie optional on the invite that way men know they can rent a tux if they're interested and women can wear a gown, but otherwise they know it is a formal event and will wear a dark suit and evening/cocktail dress! Enjoy your formal event!

mimiphin

So I can wear This


But not This?


ETA: Why is the first picture not showing up....

APDSS22

chriscol09 said:

I disagree with the majority of these people. It's your wedding! Put black tie optional on the invite that way men know they can rent a tux if they're interested and women can wear a gown, but otherwise they know it is a formal event and will wear a dark suit and evening/cocktail dress! Enjoy your formal event!

I disagree with all the newbie posters who seem to be unaware of etiquette in general and how telling adults how to dress being rude is not an opinion, but is in fact against etiquette.

lyndausvi

Keopu said:

I am a bit bothered by this post. We will be adding "aloha attire" to our invitations and our website. For one, it's pretty standard practice here in Hawai‘i and let's people know it's okay to wear shorts or jeans, but it should be accompanied by a nice aloha shirt. 

The other thing is there's a cultural difference with about a third of our wedding party coming from the continent. When both my fiancé and I have been to friends' weddings in California and Arizona, the wedding attire was waaaaaaay different than here in Hawai‘i. If someone from the continent came in a blazer they would be totally overdressed and stick out like a sore thumb. But if we put casual and they came in shorts, slippers, and a polo shirt, they'd also stick out like a sore thumb for being too underdressed. It's a point of cultural education for us that we're willing to do and want to make sure our out-of-town guests understand. 

I just want to bring in the discussion of different cultures into the mix. Though I'm sure I'll be crucified for it.

This was actually the only thing we went against standard etiquette on.

Both our families have Catholic Church,  high end venue, full meal, top shelf bar,  dress your best type weddings.    Our wedding was on a beach, no shoes and DH didn't wear a suit let alone a tie.   We still had a Saturday night with sit-down dinner and top shelf open bar.  

 Our families were completely confused on what to wear.  Not one of them had been to a non-church wedding , let alone on a beach. Completely out of their comfort zones.  It was the number #1 we were asked.    

So  we decide to add a FAQ insert that among other questions was about attire.  It said something like "what should we wear" - the wedding is going to be on the actual sand beach. Jackets and ties are not necessary.  There will be a shoe valet available at the edge of the beach for your shoes.  We also put had the same FAQ page on our website.    (*note not all beach weddings are actually on the physical beach. Some are on decks or patios that overlook at beach.)

Our guests we thrilled we put that on the inserts.   We received a lot of compliments because they just had never experienced a wedding where the groom was so causal.  The men would have felt out of place being more dressed than the groom.

I personally do not regret putting information letting our guests know it was more casual then they are use to in the insert eve though it went against etiquette.   

cookie0803

chriscol09 said:

I disagree with the majority of these people. It's your wedding! Put black tie optional on the invite that way men know they can rent a tux if they're interested and women can wear a gown, but otherwise they know it is a formal event and will wear a dark suit and evening/cocktail dress! Enjoy your formal event!

It's been said before, many times, but men already know they can rent a tux. They're adults and have likely (hopefully) been making decisions on their own outfits for quite some time now. Same deal with women and gowns. Writing "black tie optional" implies that you do not believe your guests are intelligent enough to figure out that they have options.

MobKaz

chriscol09 said:

I disagree with the majority of these people. It's your wedding! Put black tie optional on the invite that way men know they can rent a tux if they're interested and women can wear a gown, but otherwise they know it is a formal event and will wear a dark suit and evening/cocktail dress! Enjoy your formal event!

No.

phira

@prettygirllost Yeah, I'm kind of about to hulk out every time another person comes in and said, "Actually, I don't think it's rude, I don't want people wearing jeans, you can TOTALLY put it on an invitation."

I think we should make a sticky post, akin to the PPD and cash bar ones.

NYCBruin

Keopu said:

Resort wear and aloha wear are two totally different things actually. 

You're proving my point: NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK "ALOHA WEAR" is! Thus, putting it on your invitations is both rude and pointless.

PrettyGirlLost

chriscol09 said:

I disagree with the majority of these people. It's your wedding! Put black tie optional on the invite that way men know they can rent a tux if they're interested and women can wear a gown, but otherwise they know it is a formal event and will wear a dark suit and evening/cocktail dress! Enjoy your formal event!

THIS IS ALWAYS THE FUCKING CASE WITH FORMAL WEDDINGS!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

PrettyGirlLost

phira said:

@prettygirllost Yeah, I'm kind of about to hulk out every time another person comes in and said, "Actually, I don't think it's rude, I don't want people wearing jeans, you can TOTALLY put it on an invitation."

I think we should make a sticky post, akin to the PPD and cash bar ones.

  I just hulked out ><

I agree, and I was working offline on a black tie FAQ with grumbledore and southernbelle!

christipbetts

I've read that it is okay and within proper etiquette to tell guests the attire of the event. I'm going by The Wedding Book: The Big Book for Your Big Day by Mindy Weiss.

PrettyGirlLost

christipbetts said:

I've read that it is okay and within proper etiquette to tell guests the attire of the event. I'm going by The Wedding Book: The Big Book for Your Big Day by Mindy Weiss.

I have no clue who she is, but she sounds like a shill for the wedding industry and she is wrong.

Did you read any portion of this thread, by chance?

Cookie Pusher

PrettyGirlLost said:

christipbetts said:

I've read that it is okay and within proper etiquette to tell guests the attire of the event. I'm going by The Wedding Book: The Big Book for Your Big Day by Mindy Weiss.

I have no clue who she is, but she sounds like a shill for the wedding industry and she is wrong.

Did you read any portion of this thread, by chance?

She's some big-time wedding planner. Lots of celebrities and rich people use her services. And, as we've probably all seen, money doesn't buy manners or class...

PrettyGirlLost

Cookie Pusher said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

christipbetts said:

I've read that it is okay and within proper etiquette to tell guests the attire of the event. I'm going by The Wedding Book: The Big Book for Your Big Day by Mindy Weiss.

I have no clue who she is, but she sounds like a shill for the wedding industry and she is wrong.

Did you read any portion of this thread, by chance?

She's some big-time wedding planner. Lots of celebrities and rich people use her services. And, as we've probably all seen, money doesn't buy manners or class...

So she's a shill for the wedding industry ;-)

NYCBruin

christipbetts said:

I've read that it is okay and within proper etiquette to tell guests the attire of the event. I'm going by The Wedding Book: The Big Book for Your Big Day by Mindy Weiss.

Well, if someone in the wedding industry said it's ok, then obviously none of your guests will be offended!  Oh wait...

Cookie Pusher

Yep, she sure is. And I have absolutely no idea why I even know who she is! lol

KatWAG

PrettyGirlLost said:

phira said:

@prettygirllost Yeah, I'm kind of about to hulk out every time another person comes in and said, "Actually, I don't think it's rude, I don't want people wearing jeans, you can TOTALLY put it on an invitation."

I think we should make a sticky post, akin to the PPD and cash bar ones.

  I just hulked out ><

I agree, and I was working offline on a black tie FAQ with grumbledore and southernbelle!

What happened to Southernbelle? I haven't seen her on here since before Christmas. Is she posting under a different name?

MelissaK1025

I say that it is fine to put that on the invitation. By the way people are describing a black tie event, that sums up my wedding but I would not expect all of my male guests to show up in tuxes. Some of my family has already asked if my wedding will be black tie optional. Some of my uncles want to wear their tuxedos but they aren't officially apart of my wedding and don't want to feel awkward.