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Intro and question

Hello everyone!

I'm new to the knot but I've been a member over on thebump for a while, under a different SN. I am newly engaged and planning a wedding for October of this year. I've known my fiance for a little over 5 months and we've been dating for 4. We only see each other on the weekends due to living an hour apart. I have a 9mo daughter from a previous relationship. I'm planning a simple fall wedding with dark purple and pumpkin as my colors. I'm not fully traditional but I'm not very modern either. If you have any question or would like to know anything else, please feel free to ask. 

Now for my question...
I have a friend that I would like to include in my wedding but I don't really want her to be an actual bridesmaid. She lives in Alaska (we live in Kentucky) and it is just too hard to try to coordinate things for her to be a BM. I would like for her to help at the wedding by being the go between for the grooms party/brides party, greeting guests as they arrive, helping get the ring bearer and flower girl (they will be 16 & 17 months old), and other little things. What title would you give her? 
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Re: Intro and question

  • hahaha @jenniferurs basically but I need some a little nicer for the stationary
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    No. Do not do this. Regardless of what you think, this is not an honor. You're assigning her a bunch of jobs to do when she should actually be enjoying your wedding.

    doeydoBlue_BirdMGPlc07
  • Ladies, I'm not thinking of making her a "slave." She would actually love to do this. She micro manages EVERY thing. I wouldn't want her to feel like she is working or for her to stress over it. I want her to feel included. 
  • @jenniferurs very accurately described what you're planning on making your friend.  The rest of the PPs covered why this would be inappropriate.
    The great news is that if your friend is traveling all the way from Alaska to attend your wedding, she will be there day of.  The only thing a BM has to do is be present at your wedding in the appropriate dress...not sure what else there would be to coordinate, so just make her a bridesmaid.
    doeydoBlue_BirdAuroraRose41lc07
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    She will feel included as a guest. Please do not make her work your wedding. No one enjoys these tasks.

    doeydoBlue_BirdMGP
  • Ladies, I'm not thinking of making her a "slave." She would actually love to do this. She micro manages EVERY thing. I wouldn't want her to feel like she is working or for her to stress over it. I want her to feel included. 
    The only person who should be micro-managing your wedding is you. 
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    ei34MGPAuroraRose41
  • Simply invite her to your wedding.  Being a guest is an honor!
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    lc07
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your friend would be traveling all the way from ALASKA and you want to make her work your wedding for you?  I would be hella pissed if I were your friend, flew that far and then had to work your wedding.  Why don't you read this thread, clicky, and see a first hand account of how a person feels when they are asked to "work" a wedding.

    If you want to honor your friend, she could be a reader or BM.

    Also, there is no way that a 16 or 17 month old will make it down an aisle as a RB or FG.  So I don't even know what you would be asking your friend to do here?  
    doeydo
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Yeah, why exactly can't she be a bridesmaid just b/c she lives in a different state?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    doeydojenniferursgrumbledorelc07
  • I'm also confused as to why she can't be a BM. 4 out of my 5 BMs are out of state and it's been no issue at all.
    This was my question too. She can't buy a dress in Alaska?
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    jenniferursBlue_Birdgrumbledorelc07
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    The things you've described are duties for the staff, not for your friends.  Asking your friend to work your wedding is not an honor.

    You can ask her to be a bridesmaid, since they do have stores and dresses in Alaska.  If the dress is just an excuse and you don't like her enough to invite her to be a bridesmaid, you can honor her by asking her to do a reading during the ceremony.  Otherwise, your only other option is guest.  
    jenniferurs
  • Since the only requirements of being a bridesmaid are to buy the dress and show up to the wedding on time, living in another state shouldn't be a problem. If you really don't want to ask her to be a bridesmaid, though, you could ask her to be a reader.
    jenniferurs
  • a. There are other reasons than just being out of state that I do not want her to be in my wedding. 

    b. I flew from Florida for her wedding. AND. I coordinated her entire wedding FOR NOTHING once I get there BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO. 

    c. I have a VERY VERY strict budget. I can not afford a DOC. 

    d. A 16/17 month old can successfully be a ring bearer/flower girl. I've seen it done with younger children. The 17 mo is already walking at 10 months. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    What are the other reasons for not wanting her in the wedding?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    jenniferursgrumbledore
  • How about having her do a reading? As for the kids. I have a 17 almost 18 month old. He can absolutely walk. However, walking down an aisle, carrying a ring? No. He could not pull that off.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    jenniferursei34OliveOilsMom
  • Two of my bridesmaids are from out of state and one is from out of the country. All they need to do is buy a dress and get there.

    If she loves helping out and coordinating as much as you say she will probably be a help to you that day as a bridesmaid, or even as a guest. The trouble is it's just not polite to assign someone tasks as an honor and a way for them to be part of the wedding. If she calls you and says "Hey, I would love to be a big help to you on your day, tell me everything I can do to help out, I'm serious..." Then maybe that would be a bit different.

    There has been more than one post on here by women who were asked to be a helper to the bride on the wedding day, and even though they smiled and said yes they complained about it on here, and everyone agreed how rude the bride was.
    image
    MGP
  • " I have a VERY VERY strict budget. I can not afford a DOC. "

    I thought you said you weren't "using" your friend as slave labor.  I thought you wanted her to feel special, not like an unpaid employee.  Ick!  You can't have this one both ways.

    ". A 16/17 month old can successfully be a ring bearer/flower girl. I've seen it done with younger children. The 17 mo is already walking at 10 months."

    I am a retired church organist.  I have seen at least 8 weddings ruined by screaming, vomiting children who were older than this.  The bride insisted that she knew better than us, and that it would be cute.  It wasn't.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    HisGirlFriday13
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    But did you volunteer to help your friend out or did she also assign you the task of coordinating her wedding.  If it was the latter, then she is a shitty friend and two wrongs don't make a right.  But if you asked what you can help with, then that's the reason you "worked" her wedding.

    Don't make your friend work your wedding. If you don't want her to be a BM, that's perfectly fine. She can simply attend as a guest or be a reader.
    ei34MGPAuroraRose41
  • First you said you want to include her. Now you say you don't want her in the wedding. Please make up your mind. It's one thing if someone volunteers of their own accord to do work for/at your wedding. It is rude to ask them to and not pay them.

    Your posts and attitude make me think this woman is better off not being involved in your wedding beyond "guest," which as mentioned is an honor in and of itself.
    image
    jenniferursei34AuroraRose41
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Ditto Allie. I don't understand why she isn't ok to be IN the wedding, but she's ok to work it.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    jenniferursAuroraRose41
  • singinchick13singinchick13 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited February 2014
    Maybe just be prepared in case the two little ones are not able to make it independently down the aisle. We  are planning for our son, who will be a year and 8 months at the time, to be the ring bearer, but I am hoping someone can walk with him. We are using fake rings on his pillow, and he will be walking directly towards his dad, so it should be ok, but we have a backup plan just in case he doesn't handle it well. 

    Also, having someone who the children are not comfortable with be responsible for getting them ready on the day of is just a disaster waiting to happen, in my opinion.

    ETA: Paragraphs, urgh.
    MGP
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    AddieL73 said:
    Ditto Allie. I don't understand why she isn't ok to be IN the wedding, but she's ok to work it.
    Because she is a micro-manager and OP has a budget so she is trying to get a DOC for free by sugar coating it as a "honor".

    OP, just because you voluntarily helped this friend with her wedding does not mean she owes you anything.  You seem to just want this girl to work your wedding because you feel that since you did it for her then she should be required to do it for you.  Um, not so much.

    jenniferursMGPAuroraRose41
  • Fran1985 Fran1985 Narnia member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper

    Am i correct with my math? You've been dating 4 months but only see each other on weekends. So you've met/hung out 16 times, total?

    Also do not ask your friend to do this.


    image
  • Am i correct with my math? You've been dating 4 months but only see each other on weekends. So you've met/hung out 16 times, total?

    Also do not ask your friend to do this.

    And her kid is 9 months old, and they met five months ago when the kid was four months old.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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