Intro and question

sandwed1018

Hello everyone!

I'm new to the knot but I've been a member over on thebump for a while, under a different SN. I am newly engaged and planning a wedding for October of this year. I've known my fiance for a little over 5 months and we've been dating for 4. We only see each other on the weekends due to living an hour apart. I have a 9mo daughter from a previous relationship. I'm planning a simple fall wedding with dark purple and pumpkin as my colors. I'm not fully traditional but I'm not very modern either. If you have any question or would like to know anything else, please feel free to ask. 

Now for my question...

I have a friend that I would like to include in my wedding but I don't really want her to be an actual bridesmaid. She lives in Alaska (we live in Kentucky) and it is just too hard to try to coordinate things for her to be a BM. I would like for her to help at the wedding by being the go between for the grooms party/brides party, greeting guests as they arrive, helping get the ring bearer and flower girl (they will be 16 & 17 months old), and other little things. What title would you give her? 

jenniferurs

"Bitch?"

sandwed1018

hahaha @jenniferurs basically but I need some a little nicer for the stationary

HisGirlFriday13

sandwed1018 said:

Hello everyone!

I'm new to the knot but I've been a member over on thebump for a while, under a different SN. I am newly engaged and planning a wedding for October of this year. I've known my fiance for a little over 5 months and we've been dating for 4. We only see each other on the weekends due to living an hour apart. I have a 9mo daughter from a previous relationship. I'm planning a simple fall wedding with dark purple and pumpkin as my colors. I'm not fully traditional but I'm not very modern either. If you have any question or would like to know anything else, please feel free to ask. 

Now for my question...

I have a friend that I would like to include in my wedding but I don't really want her to be an actual bridesmaid. She lives in Alaska (we live in Kentucky) and it is just too hard to try to coordinate things for her to be a BM. I would like for her to help at the wedding by being the go between for the grooms party/brides party, greeting guests as they arrive, helping get the ring bearer and flower girl (they will be 16 & 17 months old), and other little things. What title would you give her? 

Brideslave. Because that's really the only title you can give her. 

The first and third things in the bolded -- if you want someone to do that, hire a DOC. Pay someone to be your brideslave.

Greeting guests? That's the job of the hosts -- which would be you and your FI, presumably. If you need someone to greet your guests, again, hire a DOC. 

You can pay people to do anything you want on your wedding day. You cannot make your friends do things for you for free and expect them to be honoured that you want them to come to your wedding and be your bitch.

AddieCake

Please do not ask one of your friends to work your wedding. It's not an honor.

climbingwife

No. Do not do this. Regardless of what you think, this is not an honor. You're assigning her a bunch of jobs to do when she should actually be enjoying your wedding.

sandwed1018

Ladies, I'm not thinking of making her a "slave." She would actually love to do this. She micro manages EVERY thing. I wouldn't want her to feel like she is working or for her to stress over it. I want her to feel included. 

ei34

@jenniferurs very accurately described what you're planning on making your friend.  The rest of the PPs covered why this would be inappropriate.
The great news is that if your friend is traveling all the way from Alaska to attend your wedding, she will be there day of.  The only thing a BM has to do is be present at your wedding in the appropriate dress...not sure what else there would be to coordinate, so just make her a bridesmaid.

climbingwife

She will feel included as a guest. Please do not make her work your wedding. No one enjoys these tasks.

AddieCake

I love cake. One of my college roommates thought I would feel "included" if I cut the cake at her wedding. After all, I have this intense love and respect for cake, right? Trust me when I say I did not feel included at all.

HisGirlFriday13

sandwed1018 said:

Ladies, I'm not thinking of making her a "slave." She would actually love to do this. She micro manages EVERY thing. I wouldn't want her to feel like she is working or for her to stress over it. I want her to feel included. 

The only person who should be micro-managing your wedding is you. 

CMGragain

Simply invite her to your wedding.  Being a guest is an honor!

OliveOilsMom

Your friend would be traveling all the way from ALASKA and you want to make her work your wedding for you?  I would be hella pissed if I were your friend, flew that far and then had to work your wedding.  Why don't you read this thread, clicky, and see a first hand account of how a person feels when they are asked to "work" a wedding.

If you want to honor your friend, she could be a reader or BM.

Also, there is no way that a 16 or 17 month old will make it down an aisle as a RB or FG.  So I don't even know what you would be asking your friend to do here?  

jenniferurs

I'm also confused as to why she can't be a BM. 4 out of my 5 BMs are out of state and it's been no issue at all.

AddieCake

Yeah, why exactly can't she be a bridesmaid just b/c she lives in a different state?

artbyallie

jenniferurs said:

I'm also confused as to why she can't be a BM. 4 out of my 5 BMs are out of state and it's been no issue at all.

This was my question too. She can't buy a dress in Alaska?

MyNameIsNot

The things you've described are duties for the staff, not for your friends.  Asking your friend to work your wedding is not an honor.

You can ask her to be a bridesmaid, since they do have stores and dresses in Alaska.  If the dress is just an excuse and you don't like her enough to invite her to be a bridesmaid, you can honor her by asking her to do a reading during the ceremony.  Otherwise, your only other option is guest.  

cookie0803

Since the only requirements of being a bridesmaid are to buy the dress and show up to the wedding on time, living in another state shouldn't be a problem. If you really don't want to ask her to be a bridesmaid, though, you could ask her to be a reader.

sandwed1018

a. There are other reasons than just being out of state that I do not want her to be in my wedding. 

b. I flew from Florida for her wedding. AND. I coordinated her entire wedding FOR NOTHING once I get there BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO. 

c. I have a VERY VERY strict budget. I can not afford a DOC. 

d. A 16/17 month old can successfully be a ring bearer/flower girl. I've seen it done with younger children. The 17 mo is already walking at 10 months. 

jenniferurs

sandwed1018 said:

a. There are other reasons than just being out of state that I do not want her to be in my wedding. 

b. I flew from Florida for her wedding. AND. I coordinated her entire wedding FOR NOTHING once I get there BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS DO. 

c. I have a VERY VERY strict budget. I can not afford a DOC. 

d. A 16/17 month old can successfully be a ring bearer/flower girl. I've seen it done with younger children. The 17 mo is already walking at 10 months. 

Please tell me this is a horrible troll effort, because otherwise...f humanity.

AddieCake

What are the other reasons for not wanting her in the wedding?

mysticl

How about having her do a reading? As for the kids. I have a 17 almost 18 month old. He can absolutely walk. However, walking down an aisle, carrying a ring? No. He could not pull that off.

Vivandiere8

Two of my bridesmaids are from out of state and one is from out of the country. All they need to do is buy a dress and get there.

If she loves helping out and coordinating as much as you say she will probably be a help to you that day as a bridesmaid, or even as a guest. The trouble is it's just not polite to assign someone tasks as an honor and a way for them to be part of the wedding. If she calls you and says "Hey, I would love to be a big help to you on your day, tell me everything I can do to help out, I'm serious..." Then maybe that would be a bit different.

There has been more than one post on here by women who were asked to be a helper to the bride on the wedding day, and even though they smiled and said yes they complained about it on here, and everyone agreed how rude the bride was.

CMGragain

" I have a VERY VERY strict budget. I can not afford a DOC. "

I thought you said you weren't "using" your friend as slave labor.  I thought you wanted her to feel special, not like an unpaid employee.  Ick!  You can't have this one both ways.

". A 16/17 month old can successfully be a ring bearer/flower girl. I've seen it done with younger children. The 17 mo is already walking at 10 months."

I am a retired church organist.  I have seen at least 8 weddings ruined by screaming, vomiting children who were older than this.  The bride insisted that she knew better than us, and that it would be cute.  It wasn't.

OliveOilsMom

But did you volunteer to help your friend out or did she also assign you the task of coordinating her wedding.  If it was the latter, then she is a shitty friend and two wrongs don't make a right.  But if you asked what you can help with, then that's the reason you "worked" her wedding.

Don't make your friend work your wedding. If you don't want her to be a BM, that's perfectly fine. She can simply attend as a guest or be a reader.

artbyallie

First you said you want to include her. Now you say you don't want her in the wedding. Please make up your mind. It's one thing if someone volunteers of their own accord to do work for/at your wedding. It is rude to ask them to and not pay them.

Your posts and attitude make me think this woman is better off not being involved in your wedding beyond "guest," which as mentioned is an honor in and of itself.

AddieCake

Ditto Allie. I don't understand why she isn't ok to be IN the wedding, but she's ok to work it.

singinchick13

Maybe just be prepared in case the two little ones are not able to make it independently down the aisle. We  are planning for our son, who will be a year and 8 months at the time, to be the ring bearer, but I am hoping someone can walk with him. We are using fake rings on his pillow, and he will be walking directly towards his dad, so it should be ok, but we have a backup plan just in case he doesn't handle it well. 

Also, having someone who the children are not comfortable with be responsible for getting them ready on the day of is just a disaster waiting to happen, in my opinion.

ETA: Paragraphs, urgh.

Maggie0829

AddieL73 said:

Ditto Allie. I don't understand why she isn't ok to be IN the wedding, but she's ok to work it.

Because she is a micro-manager and OP has a budget so she is trying to get a DOC for free by sugar coating it as a "honor".

OP, just because you voluntarily helped this friend with her wedding does not mean she owes you anything.  You seem to just want this girl to work your wedding because you feel that since you did it for her then she should be required to do it for you.  Um, not so much.

Fran1985

Am i correct with my math? You've been dating 4 months but only see each other on weekends. So you've met/hung out 16 times, total?

Also do not ask your friend to do this.

HisGirlFriday13

Fran1985 said:

Am i correct with my math? You've been dating 4 months but only see each other on weekends. So you've met/hung out 16 times, total?

Also do not ask your friend to do this.

And her kid is 9 months old, and they met five months ago when the kid was four months old.