DH's grandmother called him last night

HisGirlFriday13

She left a message, because he didn't answer the phone. She's called a number of times since the fiasco of BIL and SIL's wedding, but she hasn't apologised, or even admitted any wrong-doing.

In her message, she told DH she 'wants to have a family dinner on Saturday night for you and your wife (not even HisGirl, just 'your wife') and BIL and SIL (both of whom got mentioned by name), and Nephew and Aunt.'

DH called me and told me about it, and then said, 'I told her no. I called her back and told her that until she apologises to you for her behaviour, neither of us will be seeing her and we certainly won't be having dinner with her.'

(So proud of him!)

So then his Aunt (BSC granny's daughter) called and tried to guilt-trip DH into going to dinner on the grounds that 'we're celebrating BIL's and SIL's wedding, and besides, you don't know how much time Granny has left and this is really important to her.'

DH said, 'HisGirl and I have already celebrated BIL's and SIL's wedding with them, thankyouverymuch, and if Granny is worried about her mortality, perhaps she should think about how she treats people and be worried about that instead.'

Aunt sputtered and hemmed and hawed and finally said, 'Well, you should just get over it and accept that that's how she is.'

DH said, 'Nope. Actions have consequences. If your action is to treat my wife horribly, the consequence is that you don't get to see her OR me. She comes first -- always, forever.'

Aunt said a few more kind of guilt-trippy things, then hung up. 

I'm SO PROUD of DH for standing his ground, because it's hard for him, but I am also SO ANGRY at BSC Granny and Aunt.

pumpkinsandturkeys

What a cluster, as always.

And they want you to accept that this is the way she is? Why does she not have to accept that other people deserve respect and to be afforded common courtesy and dignity?

I do not understand sympathising with a tyrannical dictator. That would be like everyone saying, "Hey, you know... Hitler just is who he is and he's never going to change his views because he's so set in his ways, so let's just go with it, 'kay?" (I realise that I just compared BSCG to Hitler, but you know what I mean).

I think that it's time for her to learn that this shit won't fly. Clearly, Aunt needs to learn that, as well. I'm glad DH stood his ground.

HisGirlFriday13

I just don't get it -- apparently, I'm just supposed to accept poor behaviour because 'that's the way she is.'

Uhm, no. That doesn't fly. 

It would be one thing, honestly, if she had a genuine mental condition and were losing her ability to filter her thoughts. My beloved grandmother had Alzheimer's, and as the disease progressed, she would say things that she probably had thought all along but had been too polite to say -- such as telling my (male) cousin, 'I'm so glad you cut your hair. It looked just awful long and stringy and in your face. Only women should have long hair.'

But at least we KNEW it was the disease talking, not her, so it was easier to just say, 'OK, Nana has Alzheimer's and she's going to say some inappropriate things.'

But Granny doesn't (so far as we know) have an actual mental condition, she's just mean.

And she's annoying me. 

SmileDamnit

BRAVO, H!!!!

pinkcow13

HisGirlFriday13 said:

She left a message, because he didn't answer the phone. She's called a number of times since the fiasco of BIL and SIL's wedding, but she hasn't apologised, or even admitted any wrong-doing.

In her message, she told DH she 'wants to have a family dinner on Saturday night for you and your wife (not even HisGirl, just 'your wife') and BIL and SIL (both of whom got mentioned by name), and Nephew and Aunt.'

DH called me and told me about it, and then said, 'I told her no. I called her back and told her that until she apologises to you for her behaviour, neither of us will be seeing her and we certainly won't be having dinner with her.'

(So proud of him!)

So then his Aunt (BSC granny's daughter) called and tried to guilt-trip DH into going to dinner on the grounds that 'we're celebrating BIL's and SIL's wedding, and besides, you don't know how much time Granny has left and this is really important to her.'

DH said, 'HisGirl and I have already celebrated BIL's and SIL's wedding with them, thankyouverymuch, and if Granny is worried about her mortality, perhaps she should think about how she treats people and be worried about that instead.'

Aunt sputtered and hemmed and hawed and finally said, 'Well, you should just get over it and accept that that's how she is.'

DH said, 'Nope. Actions have consequences. If your action is to treat my wife horribly, the consequence is that you don't get to see her OR me. She comes first -- always, forever.'

Aunt said a few more kind of guilt-trippy things, then hung up. 

I'm SO PROUD of DH for standing his ground, because it's hard for him, but I am also SO ANGRY at BSC Granny and Aunt.

Good for DH standing up for you guys! It seems like a big part of the reason that she acts this way is because her family enables her horrible behavior. Being old is NO excuse for not having basic courtesy and manners.It's ridiculous that the rest of the family just takes this crap from her. 

KytchynWitche

Your DH is the best.

I have Cookies'n'Cream liqueur, and Toffee Caramel liqueur... Which do you want?

HisGirlFriday13

@urbaneca, I'll take the Toffee Caramel, please. I feel like it would go nicely in my Kona coffee this morning.

KytchynWitche

Good choice! It's super tasty. Beaming it along to you right now!

blabla89

I must have missed the story of what BSCG did at the wedding, but high five to your H for standing up to her.

grumbledore

You've got a good man there HisGirl.

HisGirlFriday13

@lalalaurita, here's the thread (<-- clicky)

HisGirlFriday13

@grumbledore, I really do. He's pretty great.

KatWAG

Go Mr. HGF!!! That was the perfect way to handle crazy Grandma and Aunt.

phira

GOOD FOR DH.

Seriously.

My grandmother is definitely becoming more unbearable towards people she doesn't like as she gets older. My mom's boyfriend doesn't like coming to family stuff because my grandmother is so horrible to him. I keep trying to explain to my mom, yes, it's true that my grandmother isn't going to change, but part of the problem is that there are no consequences for her actions. My mom has tried and failed for years to stand up to my grandmother, and after so long, she's just tired of fighting and losing all the time. It's really upsetting.

But the thing is, ACTIONS DO HAVE CONSEQUENCES. If BSC grandma is rude to you and guilt-trippy and awful, then it doesn't matter how much time she has left on this earth. We ALL have a limited time, and it's just not worth catering to someone's feelings when they treat you like crap.

I think maybe we need some more alcohol and, like, bumper stickers that read ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES.

HisGirlFriday13

@phira -- I endorse the idea of bumper stickers! And I always endorse the idea of alcohol.

And again -- I would overlook things that are inappropriate that are genuinely beyond her control -- if she had a mental condition and were honestly unable to stop from saying something rude, I'd be more understanding. 

But the mentality of, 'I can be rude, and you have to let me be rude because I've always been rude, and I'm old and might die soon' just pisses me off. 

bethsmiles

Yay for your DH! It's awesome the way he stands up for you!

PolarBearFitz

I know I am late to all of this but I just ran through the thread of SILs wedding.

HOLY CRAPOLA BSC Granny has really done it this time. I wonder how awesome she will feel being alone for the rest of her life? You and DH are an amazing team and I commend you for sticking to your guns @HisGirlFriday!

Obviously granny brought a battleaxe to a gun fight...

phira

Exactly. And you know how I feel about, "You HAVE to cater to me because we're FAMILY."

HisGirlFriday13

Yeahhh, the wedding was an adventure. It made for some entertainment, though, I'll say that.

I gather, from what DH has said and what his aunt has said to him, that BSC Granny is feeling the consequences of being alone. 

Aunt still visits her, as does her son, DH's father, whom DH doesn't have a relationship with, and sometimes DH's father bring DH's mother, whom BSC Granny can't stand (and that amuses me), but DH doesn't visit, and BIL/SIL don't visit, and I certainly don't visit. 

She's alone, and she's old, and she's lonely, and on some level, I feel sorry for her, and then I remember -- you did this to yourself by being a horrible person for a long time. And then I stop feeling bad.

And I'm really grateful that DH has my back and backs me up and stands up for me and us and our relationship.

HisGirlFriday13

@phira, yes, yes, I do know how you feel about that, and we share the same outlook!

PolarBearFitz

Actions have consequences especially when you act like a hateful old Bitter Betty.

jdluvr06

I'm a firm believer of letting old people get away with more stuff than younger people and I think there are things you have to just accept and laugh off. Example: your great grandmother saying a mildly racist comment without realizing it was racist because when she was young what she said would have been considered tolerant. However, someone calling their great grandchild a bastard at their parent's wedding isn't one of those things. Treating a person who married into their family isn't one of those things. Your dh's aunt and grandmother are crazy if they think you should just accept her meanness. It is one thing to overlook an old person being mildly rude or saying something crazy and off the wall but you shouldn't overlook when someone is being cruel.

FiancB

Your DH rocks. It isn't easy to stand up to family, no matter how crazy family is, and I'm sure that having aunt pitch in doesn't help much either. Is aunt BSCG's daughter? 

That's so stupid. "to celebrate the wedding" yeah, well, BSCG had a chance to celebrate the wedding AT their wedding and she blew that pretty mightily.

huskypuppy14

Is SIL speaking to her now? I thought after what granny said to her son, that she would never see her again.  So how are Aunt and BSG going to celebrate the wedding? I'm assuming SIL caved?  Your husband is awesome by the way.

HisGirlFriday13

@laurynm84: No SIL isn't speaking to granny. Neither, as far as I know, is BIL. They're both still furious at her.

Crazy Auntie finally admitted to me and DH (in a series of phone messages because we kept svoiding her calls) that they invited US first hoping BIL/SIL would cave and agree to the dinner if we were there.


Yeah, no, NOT happening.

Hey thanks! I think he's pretty awesome.

banana468

Auntie and BSC Granny are putting a hell of a lot of effort into avoiding using the words, "I'm sorry."

I'm with you @Hisgirlfriday13. You've got a great husband!

HisGirlFriday13

@banana468 -- Aren't they?! I don't get it. Well, I do, because granny doesn't think she did anything wrong. And of course they assume that if we're at dinner at a restaurant, no one will make a scene if she's rude. Which of course is passive-aggressive and typical.

He's pretty wonderful.

AddieCake

I'm glad he is finally not "forcing" you to spend time with her. 

Teddy917

Seriously, we all could die soon. Anyone of us could get run over by a car, have a heart attack, etc. that doesn't make it okay to be rude to someone

CMGragain

Have you ever read about narcissistic personality disorder?  My mother was a full-blown narcissist, and my sister was her co-dependent.  Sounds like Granny might be one, too.  There is no treatment.  It is not a mental illness, it is a personality disorder.  NPDs don't admit that they have a problem.  It is always other people who are the problem.
Classic NPD behavior:  My mother was holding my 9 month old son.  She put him down on the edge of a sofa, and he promptly rolled over and hit his head on the floor.  She stood there and said, "Well!  That stupid baby rolled of the sofa and hit his head!  How ridiculous!"  I scooped up my son, and said, "Mother, you dropped him.  Say you are sorry!" She yelled. "Well, it wasn't MY fault!"
I think you might feel better dealing with DH's family if you understand more about NPD and the family dynamics.  There is a great book called Will I Ever Be Good Enough? by Dr. Karyl McBride.  You should be able to get it at your library.  I highly recommend it.
Your DH is doing a great job standing up for you.




'

HisGirlFriday13

@CMGragain -- That sounds a lot like what granny has. I might check out the book just for the entertainment value, but since I plan to have no relationship with her going forward, I'm not especially interested in learning about her disorder.

I mean, I think you're right -- there's something wrong with her, and this sounds like a good candidate for what is wrong with her. But I'm done -- I'm done dealing with or talking to her.

DH is doing a great job defending us and our marriage from her, and I'll suggest the book to him, just so he knows. 

Thanks for the suggestion!