Separate Beds/Bedrooms?

cupcait927

FI and I's current situation and discussion with his parents has got me wondering how popular/unpopular this arrangement is. FI and I sleep in separate bedrooms about 4 nights a week. I'm a light sleeper and he likes to get up at 5 am to work most week day mornings in order to be able to spend more time together in the evening. Back when we lived in our apartment and he was getting up at 5 am, it was waking me up and I was unable to fall back asleep and thus SUPER grumpy the rest of the day. It was causing resentment in our relationship so he started sleeping on the couch voluntarily so as not to disturb me (he's VERY good to me). Now that we have our house with three bedrooms, he sleeps in the guest room on nights that he wants to get up early. I sleep better, he can get his workout in (making him feel better) and our relationship has, in turn, noticeably improved. We still share the same bed about three nights a week, are still intimate and it works for us.

We were talking about this with his parents last weekend and they said they actually knew quite a few couples that did this and FMIL's parents had separate rooms their entire marriage. So my question - does anyone here sleep in a separate bedroom from their S/O (for those who live together)? Is it by choice or necessity and how has it affected your relationship? For us it works really well but I understand we're probably in the minority on this one!

larrygaga

We have only lived in a 1 bedroom apartment. However, when we move into a bigger one, I have brought up sleeping in separate beds once in awhile. I am the one the disturbs his sleep! He was appalled at the idea, but I think it's actually pretty good for a relationship. My parents haven't slept in the same bed for years and years. I would say it improved their relationship from hatred to civil and working. 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sleep-newzzz/201304/have-you-considered-sleep-divorce

HisGirlFriday13

We don't sleep in separate bedrooms, but I do go to bed earlier than DH.

I work 8.30-5, and he works 3 to 11, so he gets home, we chat for about an hour, then I go to bed. He comes in later, but I'm a very sound sleeper, so I don't notice him coming in, and he's a sound sleeper, so he doesn't notice me getting up at 6.30 to get ready for work. 

I think whatever works for people is their business. I know my brother and SIL sometimes sleep separately if she's having trouble sleeping (20 wks PG) and is tossing and turning a lot, because that interferes with my brother, who works construction, getting a good night's rest.

flyingfoxes

It would break FI's heart if I wanted to sleep in a separate bed or bedroom.  I'm still getting used to him being there, he was gone almost a year on deployment and I've never lived with anyone before so it's an adjustment.  I do know that he needs to get a new sleep apnea mask because I might become homicidal at his snoring some nights. 

cupcait927

Thanks for the links to the articles, @larrygaga and @shrekspeare! It makes me feel a little better about our sleeping arrangement. I get so worried that he's going to miss sleeping in bed with me but he constantly reassures me that he's fine with this as well. We both like to toss and turn a lot as we're falling asleep and he farts and scratches and snores (occasionally) so it makes a better night's rest for both of us if we're not worried about disturbing the other one. Plus it makes it fun when we know we're going to sleep together again (like tonight!). We cuddle and talk and are more affectionate.

JennyColada

We sleep in the same bed, but Fi gets up and sleeps on the couch (either from me being a bed hog or from him tossing and turning) about 3 nights a week.

I would like to get a guest room put together (the extra bedroom is just empty right now) and I can see one of us using that now and again. When I brought it up to Fi, he didn't seem keen on the idea, but I like it.

cupcait927

qmda76 said:

It would break FI's heart if I wanted to sleep in a separate bed or bedroom.  I'm still getting used to him being there, he was gone almost a year on deployment and I've never lived with anyone before so it's an adjustment.  I do know that he needs to get a new sleep apnea mask because I might become homicidal at his snoring some nights. 

I dated a guy in the Navy for about 4 years so I completely understand wanting to be in the same bedroom after deployment! He had the WORST snoring and finally was diagnosed with sleep apnea as well  but nothing could keep me from wanting to be close to him in bed when he was home.

KatWAG

I know a few couples who do this. One couple sleeps in seperate bedrooms because her H produces so much body heat that she sweats just laying next to him.

I have seriously considered it for after the baby comes. That way at least one of us will get some rest.

climbingsingle

We don't sleep in separate bedrooms, however, I do understand this. I'm also a very light sleeper. FI thankfully is very understanding and either comes to bed when I go to sleep or waits until I'm in a deep sleep so as not to disturb me. I also get up first. 

Now my ex - that was a fucking nightmare. He had sleep apnea, refused to wear his mask most nights and had to sleep with the TV on every night. I wore ear plugs, an eye mask and still wasn't able to sleep well most nights. Ugh. I shudder thinking about that time. I spent many nights sleeping on the couch. 

cupcait927

@KatWAG my FI has the body heat thing too. He can walk into our bedroom and I will start to get too warm within 5 minutes of him just being in the same room, not even in bed yet. It's ridiculous.

emmaaa

FI and I don't sleep in separate bedrooms. I think it is a personal choice to the couple. I adjusted my sleeping schedule so that we go to sleep and wake up at the same time (luckily, we don't work too different of hours). He goes to school and works part time. On the days he goes to class first, he gets up at 5 (which is sleeping in for us), and on days he works before class, he gets up at 4. I don't have to be at work until 830 and could leave the house by 730 and be on time. But it was important to us to sleep together and for us both to sleep good, so we adjusted our schedules.

 

grumbledore

I freaking wish I had my own bed.  I love my FI but I do not like sharing a bed, never have.  

grumbledore

HisGirlFriday13 said:

We don't sleep in separate bedrooms, but I do go to bed earlier than DH.

I work 8.30-5, and he works 3 to 11, so he gets home, we chat for about an hour, then I go to bed. He comes in later, but I'm a very sound sleeper, so I don't notice him coming in, and he's a sound sleeper, so he doesn't notice me getting up at 6.30 to get ready for work. 

Your life sounds just like mine lol.  Some days I don't even see my FI (at least conscious) because our work schedules are opposite.

buddysmom80

My MOH's H has her sleep on the couch. They practice FAM (fertility awareness method) and abstain from sex, so he makes her sleep on the couch to resist temptation. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Sometimes I have to get up at 4am for work, the days I do that, FI will sleep on the couch so I can go to bed early and wake up early without worrying that I'm going to wake him up. Other than that we sleep in the same bed. Occasionally he'll wake up at 4am, go watch TV on the couch or play Xbox, but it's usually because he's one of those: "once I'm awake, I'm awake" types.

cupcait927

@grumbledore I had forgotten how much I missed having my own bed until we started this arrangement. Now I sleep smack dab in the middle of the bed, all starfished out. I love FI but man I love sleeping bed alone.

@eg72 FI and I work almost exactly the same hours as well but I'm just SO not a morning person that I can't bring myself to wake up at 5 am. If I could, it would be a non issue and we could sleep together fine. He knows this and lets me sleep until 7 am lol. I'm glad that you found a way for you both to sleep together and sleep well! It's important to find a balance that works for both people.

emmaaa

@ckel24 I'm nautrally a morning person so it wasn't as hard. The hard part was to fall asleep at 800 or 900 that night. He HAS to have a full 8 hours of sleep a night. Whereas I am so used to functioning on about 5 hours. Haha. I'm also a really light sleeper and wake up constantly thoughout the night. ZzzQuil is my new best friend.

labro

We were in the same place @HisGirlFriday13 is for about a year and half. FI worked swing shift so he'd work from 3 pm until midnight or later and come to bed around 5 am. I worked 8:30 to 5:30 and I'd usually wake up about an hour and a half to two hours after he came to bed. Luckily I'm an average sleeper and he's an extremely heavy sleeper so us waking up and going to bed at different times was rarely a problem. I can't imagine not sharing a room with him to be honest. We're on the same schedule now ever since he got a promotion which I love because we can actually spend evenings together. We both grew up with parents who shared a bed and a room every night (and still do) so maybe that also affects how we feel about it?

cupcait927

@eg72 I have got to try the ZzzQuil. Does it leave you drowsy/groggy at all the next day? Occasionally I have to take OTC sleeping pills so I can fall asleep and stay asleep but even half a dose can leave me foggy the next day.

Maggie0829

We share the same bedroom/bed, but we do have separate bathrooms.  That is an absolute necessity.

We never really thought about having separate rooms.  Some nights I will sleep on the couch downstairs if his snoring is keeping me up or if he has a cold and he is breathing is so heavy and loud I want to smother him with a pillow.  But other then that we don't really disturb each other.  It is helpful that we both have to get up for work at about the same time.

But really it comes down to what works best for each couple.  If H wanted to start getting up at 5am to workout each morning then we would probably rethink the sleeping situation.  But if I wanted to get up that early for a workout, H wouldn't care because he is a deep sleeper and is incredibly difficult to disturb.

emmaaa

Not at all! I have done other OTCsleeping pills and feel awful the next day.  But this is the one way I can actually sleep the entire night. Sometimes, I may take a half dose if I know i'll sleep fine. It's worth the $8 a bottle to me.

[Deleted User]

FI and I sleep in separate rooms- we were encouraged to in our very first meeting with his priest, and have been sleeping in separate beds for almost a year now. It's not fun, I do miss having him with me, but we know what we're doing is right for us! 

Plus I have to hit snooze a million times (okay like 4) to actually get up and get moving which he HATES...I can't wait to spend the nights with him after August but it will take some getting used to after having the bed to myself for so long now

HisGirlFriday13

buddysmom80 said:

My MOH's H has her sleep on the couch. They practice FAM (fertility awareness method) and abstain from sex, so he makes her sleep on the couch to resist temptation. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Sometimes I have to get up at 4am for work, the days I do that, FI will sleep on the couch so I can go to bed early and wake up early without worrying that I'm going to wake him up. Other than that we sleep in the same bed. Occasionally he'll wake up at 4am, go watch TV on the couch or play Xbox, but it's usually because he's one of those: "once I'm awake, I'm awake" types.

I'm sorry, what? SHE has to sleep on the couch so HE can resist temptation? 

If DH couldn't sleep next to me for fear of temptation, his ass would be sleeping on the couch or in the spare room.

Funny story, though -- DH sometimes falls asleep on the couch and will come to bed really late, like 4 or 5 a.m., then the next day, he'll complain about being tired and stiff and his neck being sore. I'm like, 'That's what you get for falling asleep on the couch with the TV on!'

cupcait927

@maggie0829 Separate bathrooms was a must for us as well! It has already made a world of difference in just the three weeks we've been in our new house. Now I can never go back to sharing bathroom again. 

FI is a pretty sound sleeper and an early riser by nature so he isn't as bothered by me tossing and turning or getting up in the middle of the night. He can pretty much always fall back asleep. But becasue he loves me and wants to make sure I get the best rest that I can (because I'm such a shitty sleeper), he gives up sleeping in the bedroom willingly. Plus then he doesn't get elbows to the ribs when he's snoring lol.

Maggie0829

HisGirlFriday13 said:

buddysmom80 said:

My MOH's H has her sleep on the couch. They practice FAM (fertility awareness method) and abstain from sex, so he makes her sleep on the couch to resist temptation. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Sometimes I have to get up at 4am for work, the days I do that, FI will sleep on the couch so I can go to bed early and wake up early without worrying that I'm going to wake him up. Other than that we sleep in the same bed. Occasionally he'll wake up at 4am, go watch TV on the couch or play Xbox, but it's usually because he's one of those: "once I'm awake, I'm awake" types.

I'm sorry, what? SHE has to sleep on the couch so HE can resist temptation? 

If DH couldn't sleep next to me for fear of temptation, his ass would be sleeping on the couch or in the spare room.

This. What the hell is wrong with your MOH to allow that shit?

climbingsingle

buddysmom80 said:

My MOH's H has her sleep on the couch. They practice FAM (fertility awareness method) and abstain from sex, so he makes her sleep on the couch to resist temptation. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Sometimes I have to get up at 4am for work, the days I do that, FI will sleep on the couch so I can go to bed early and wake up early without worrying that I'm going to wake him up. Other than that we sleep in the same bed. Occasionally he'll wake up at 4am, go watch TV on the couch or play Xbox, but it's usually because he's one of those: "once I'm awake, I'm awake" types.

That is BANANAS. 

Maggie0829

ckel24 said:

@eg72 I have got to try the ZzzQuil. Does it leave you drowsy/groggy at all the next day? Occasionally I have to take OTC sleeping pills so I can fall asleep and stay asleep but even half a dose can leave me foggy the next day.

@ckel24 - I agree with eg72 that the ZzzQuil doesn't leave me feeling drowsy the next day.  I did take it once, probably too late at night, and then had to get up early in the morning for work so I did feel slightly groggy so you really need to watch when you take it and make sure that when you do take it you can get in a good number of hours of sleep.  I sometimes, if I feel achy, will take one Advil PM to help me to fall asleep and just relax. (but not in addition to the zzzquil of course)

emmaaa

Maggie0829 said:

ckel24 said:

@eg72 I have got to try the ZzzQuil. Does it leave you drowsy/groggy at all the next day? Occasionally I have to take OTC sleeping pills so I can fall asleep and stay asleep but even half a dose can leave me foggy the next day.

@ckel24 - I agree with eg72 that the ZzzQuil doesn't leave me feeling drowsy the next day.  I did take it once, probably too late at night, and then had to get up early in the morning for work so I did feel slightly groggy so you really need to watch when you take it and make sure that when you do take it you can get in a good number of hours of sleep.  I sometimes, if I feel achy, will take one Advil PM to help me to fall asleep and just relax. (but not in addition to the zzzquil of course)

Yes, Maggie! There are times that I have like 5 hours until I wake up so I take a half dose or less. I kind of gauge how much I take based on how long I'll be sleeping.

lyndausvi

Sleep is very important.  I say do what works for you and your partner.

DH and I have found out early on we can not share covers.  It's a nightmare. He just wants a light blanket (even in the dead of winter), I like my top sheet and down comfortable with duvet (even in the dead of summer - he likes the a/c set at 67).   We have used separate blankets for years now.  It's a lifesaver for us.

Sometimes one of us will move to the couch, which is kind-of funny because we have a spare room, but it's not often at all.  Just when one of us can't sleep and feel like we are bothering they other by tossing and turning.  

ElcaB

FI & I always sleep together. I hate sleeping without him. 

We both have day jobs but I wake up two hours before him. He's a light sleeper & wakes up over the smallest noise, but doesn't mind my morning routine starting earlier than his. 

Tami87

We normally sleep in the same bed. We have a similar work schedule so we almost always get up at the same time and go to bed at the same time. Occasionally one of us will be tired and go to bed earlier while the other person stays up, but I am a pretty deep sleeper and H coming to bed later than me doesn't really bother me, and as far as I know I don't seem to bother him if I come to bed later either. The only time we have utilized the guest bedroom is if one of us is sick and the other is trying to avoid getting sick too or the coughing is enough to keep us awake. Although I did start to enjoy having the bed to myself when H was sick for like a week. But overall I do tend to sleep better with him there.

While we also chart and abstain from sex during part of my cycle I can't imagine H telling me I had to sleep on the couch or even the guest room! Honestly I would probably think he was being ridiculous if he told me he had to sleep in other room because he was too tempted, but no way would I give up the bed! Not saying abstaining is always easy, but yea I can't imagine being told to leave our bedroom because it is too much of a temptation.

cupcait927

@lyndausvi I did the separate covers with another ex that I lived with. We both liked to roll up in the blankets like burritos and that does not work when you share blankets. I'm in full support of that!