NWR - Circumcision: One Kid and Not the Other?

singinchick13

I just heard this from a friend of FI's. A couple we all know has a two-year-old son; he is circumcized. They had another little boy who is now six months old (a month younger than DS) who is not, and probably will not be circumcized. The reasoning behind this is that their younger son spent about a week in the hospital when he was born due to a bad case of croupe. In the mother's words "he had been through enough already".

The mother was complaining to FI's friend that her partner is very upset about this (her decision not to have him circumcized) and she was wondering if others thought it was weird for one son to be circumcized but not the other. What do you ladies think about this?

JennyColada

I don't really see what it matters. Children do not have to be Xerox copies of one another.

But I'm not really pro-circ anyway, so I'm all about having ANY children un-circ'd.

FiancB

My sister wavered on circumcision after her first. It didn't quite go right and it made him crooked, and I think he needed a follow up surgery. Not sure if he still is, or whether she did circumcise her subsequent boy. 

I'm on the fence about circumcision but I think I would've done the same thing. It's not necessary and I wouldn't want to put a sick kid through even more. 

phira

I wouldn't consider the state of a child's wee-wee to really be my business anyway. Like, how would I know whether or not one kid's penis has a turtleneck and the other kid's penis doesn't?

If it's a religious thing (one boy has a bris and the other doesn't), people might ask, and the parents can just say, "The timing wasn't right, and we'd prefer not to discuss it."

HisGirlFriday13

My concern in this is that the parents don't appear to be on the same page about circumcision.

Whether you are pro or against, it can't be a unilateral decision made by one parent without consulting the other.

singinchick13

My reason for questioning it is because DS was in the NICU for a month, on a ventilator, major surgery, and heavy anaesthetic for the first 3 weeks. Couldn't even feed orally, he had to receive everything through IV. Naturally circumcision was not done in-hospital due to all of these things, but we had it done shortly after. It was a drop in the bucket compared to everything he had already gone through. We also elected to have the RSV vaccine since he was approved due to his previous breathing problems. This consisted of four separate shots, each one month apart. It wasn't even a question for us. Today he is a happy healthy boy with no illness, no complications and he's really good with needles

Simply Fated

I agree that the problem is really with the parents not agreeing.

theartistformerlyknownas

I would worry about them comparing when they get old enough to notice, wondering why they're different, and that leading to wonder if it it was an experiment, if the parents loved one kid more, and which one that would be, etc. Plus the parents definitely need to be on the same page.

RebeccaB88

When my nephew was born, my sister left that entire decision up to my BIL.  She was comfortable either way, and didn't think she could make that decision about an organ she didn't have herself. BIL had no hesitation about having him done.  He was certain it was the right decision for his son.  Sis was fine with it.  

They have to get on the same page.  And have a good explanation for both boys about why they're different when they someday ask. 

JennyColada

I don't really get the whole obsession with "the kids will ask why they are different!" So? "Every body is different Johnny, that's what makes us each unique and wonderful!" There, problem solved. I mean, the idea that "the son has to match the father" (which I've heard often) is silly: are you going to keep your child from interacting of everyone of a different race or hair color just because they are "different"? If I have a kid born with blue eyes (I have brown) is that somehow a problem even worth addressing? Or the fact that I have an outie belly button if my kid has an innie?

I think people make a much bigger deal about physical differences than they need to. Kids accept what you tell them, and if you tell them that that's it's ok to be different because that's just how it is…then that's just how it is.

theartistformerlyknownas

It's a different story when parents choose for kids to be different. I do think that deserves a better explanation. This isn't a matter of being naturally different, especially as it goes from innocent questions in the bathtub to understanding what that's all about and wondering why your parents made different choices for you than for your sibling. It could be hurtful if not explained adequately.

RebeccaB88

Not to mention, other kids, especially boys, notice. He'll be in a locker room someday and it could come up.  Choice is what tips the balance here. 

huskypuppy14

If the parent's don't agree, don't you guys think the best decision is to do nothing. I told my FI that if we have any boys he can decide. I think both parents need to be comfortable with the decision, but what if they don't agree. What then?

monkeysip

RebeccaB88 said:

Not to mention, other kids, especially boys, notice. He'll be in a locker room someday and it could come up.  Choice is what tips the balance here. 

Whenever I ask guys about this, they say they never notice.  Seriously, I don't think this is as big a deal to boys, especially nowadays, as it is in parents' heads.  The balance of circ'd and uncirc'd is becoming more equal now in America, so it doesn't make anyone really the outcast.

I agree the parents need to be in agreement, and I also agree that parents should be able to explain that they thought it was a good idea for Boy 1, but not for Boy 2, and that neither makes either child better or inferior.  

But just saying that I think a lot of people blow out of proportion how important this is to other kids.  H wasn't circ'd, but his older brother was.  He didn't even KNOW that until way later in life.  He never really looked at his bro's penis when he was young.  And H has never had any issue with other guys thinking he was weird or different.

theartistformerlyknownas

huskypuppy14 said:

If the parent's don't agree, don't you guys think the best decision is to do nothing. I told my FI that if we have any boys he can decide. I think both parents need to be comfortable with the decision, but what if they don't agree. What then?

I generally think the status quo is the tie breaker.

singinchick13

The thing is though, the plan was to have him circumcised, like their first son. They both agreed. Being sick in the hospital for a week made the mother change her mind. If I were the father I would be pretty upset that she was all of a sudden against it for no real reason.

singinchick13

I fear that using her logic, if her boy one day sprains his ankle playing soccer, he will no longer be allowed to play soccer, and I do not agree with that lesson.

monkeysip

singinchick13 said:

The thing is though, the plan was to have him circumcised, like their first son. They both agreed. Being sick in the hospital for a week made the mother change her mind. If I were the father I would be pretty upset that she was all of a sudden against it for no real reason.

Maybe she's reevaluating their original reasons for choosing that.  Maybe she does have "real reasons" now.  Of course, the father may have legit reasons to want circumcision too, so they need to discuss that together.  But "the brothers need to match" is not a real reason either.

singinchick13

Her 'real reason' is in the OP. "He's been through enough". It's her child and she has a right to decide how he is treated, along with his father, of course, it's just awfully hard for me to support that reasoning given our situation vs theirs.

huskypuppy14

singinchick13 said:

Her 'real reason' is in the OP. "He's been through enough". It's her child and she has a right to decide how he is treated, along with his father, of course, it's just awfully hard for me to support that reasoning given our situation vs theirs.

It's not your decision though. You decide what happens to your son, and they decide what happens to theirs. I think you are taking this too personally.

mysticl

singinchick13 said:

Her 'real reason' is in the OP. "He's been through enough". It's her child and she has a right to decide how he is treated, along with his father, of course, it's just awfully hard for me to support that reasoning given our situation vs theirs.

Why do you need to support it?  Their child's penis is really none of your business.  I sincerely doubt her reasoning is a judgement upon you for getting your child circumcised.  It's how she feels as the mother of that child.  

KGold80

singinchick13 said:

I fear that using her logic, if her boy one day sprains his ankle playing soccer, he will no longer be allowed to play soccer, and I do not agree with that lesson.

Spraining an ankle is a lot different than having part of an organ permanently removed.

singinchick13

It just seems to me she has catastrophised the whole situation. One thing has absolutely nothing to do with the other, so I can understand where her partner is coming from. I always try to see both sides, but I just can't make the connect in this case.

singinchick13

Yes, he will remember the sprain and the pain he suffered. That's a pretty major difference.

ETA: Just to clarify, this woman is and always will be pro-circ. The only reason she doesn't want to is because he was hospitalized for a week. If they have another boy in the future he will be circ'ed.

chibiyui

singinchick13 said:

Yes, he will remember the sprain and the pain he suffered. That's a pretty major difference.

ETA: Just to clarify, this woman is and always will be pro-circ. The only reason she doesn't want to is because he was hospitalized for a week. If they have another boy in the future he will be circ'ed.

If the "he's been through enough' is her only reason, then yes it seems odd, but in the end, like pp said, his penis has no effect on you. Let it go.

Viczaesar

singinchick13 said:

Her 'real reason' is in the OP. "He's been through enough". It's her child and she has a right to decide how he is treated, along with his father, of course, it's just awfully hard for me to support that reasoning given our situation vs theirs.

Your situation is irrelevant.  She chose not to put her son through an unnecessary, cosmetic medical procedure after he had already been through a week of necessary medical procedures.  You chose to put your son through the cosmetic procedure after three months of necessary medical procedures.  I personally agree more with her decision than yours, but neither decision is the right or wrong decision.  They are simply different decisions.  You didn't make the "right" decision in a sort of similar situation, you just made a different decision.

AddieCake

singinchick13 said:

Yes, he will remember the sprain and the pain he suffered. That's a pretty major difference.

ETA: Just to clarify, this woman is and always will be pro-circ. The only reason she doesn't want to is because he was hospitalized for a week. If they have another boy in the future he will be circ'ed.

I am curious how you know any future boys will be circumcised. She shared that? "yeah, this one, he has been through enough, but future boys will be." ???? And maybe she will have this one circumcised at a later date, just not now. I agree her reasoning is odd, but I don't like how you compare it to your situation. It's not a pissing contest, parents!

SammiNJonni

My FSIL just had her second son. The first one they had a bris, with the second they had him circd at the hospital no bris. Their father was unhappy with how the circ of the first son healed and blamed how it was performed so he refused to let the second have a bris. (only mom is Jewish)  Every parent has their own reasoning behind doing things differently with the second. It is their child's penis not yours to worry about. The only issues I can see with having one uncircd boy in the house is explaining proper hygiene if dad is also circd.

KGold80

SammiNJonni said:

My FSIL just had her second son. The first one they had a bris, with the second they had him circd at the hospital no bris. Their father was unhappy with how the circ of the first son healed and blamed how it was performed so he refused to let the second have a bris. (only mom is Jewish)  Every parent has their own reasoning behind doing things differently with the second. It is their child's penis not yours to worry about. The only issues I can see with having one uncircd boy in the house is explaining proper hygiene if dad is also circd.

I wholeheartedly disagree with your last sentence. I do not have a penis and was somehow still able to teach my uncircumcised son how to wash his.

singinchick13

She has said that, yes. Our children have immensely different medical histories, neither of which would have any effect on circumcision. I am pro-circ for my own children because this is how I feel as does FI, if others are not I have no beef, I just simply don't see why she is treating her children unequally over something completely unrelated to what she claims is the cause. I'm not going to treat my son differently just because he was born with a condition that has been corrected. I will go on and raise him the way I/FI would have had he been born in perfect health, because now it is as if he was. Getting him circumcised has no effect on that whatsoever. I do kind of find it offensive because if that's how she justifies it then she must think we have no regard for our child's well-being. My son has also been formula fed from 3 weeks *gasp* because he couldn't feed orally before that. Mother of the year, right here!

monkeysip

You're seriously taking this WAY too personally.  It sounds like to me you're feeling insecure over your own parenting choices and are projecting that onto her.  She hasn't said anything about YOUR choices to circumcise or to formula feed (why did you even bring the last one up?)

Own your own decisions and do not engage in the mommy wars whatsoever.  Let her and her husband figure this out for themselves and stop worrying about it.