How many friends is appropriate to let all parents invite?

EricaCat1

How many friends of parents and stepparents is appropriate to let them invite to the wedding? Is five a good number for each?? Five friends and their spouses or significant others if they have them? And it has to be kept to the same exact number for each to make it fair, right??

Jen4948

It depends on your budget and space.  If you're paying, then you decide on what works for you.  If they're paying for any part of it, telling them, "No, you can only invite X number of people" is going to be insulting. 

It would be fair, however, to keep the numbers the same for each parent.

HisGirlFriday13

EricaCat1 said:

How many friends of parents and stepparents is appropriate to let them invite to the wedding? Is five a good number for each?? Five friends and their spouses or significant others if they have them? And it has to be kept to the same exact number for each to make it fair, right??

That depends.

Who's paying? If you and your FI are paying for it entirely, then it's up to you how many people you let both sets of parents invite. Also, if you're paying, yes, it should be kept equal to both sides to avoid hurt feelings.

If one set of parents is contributing money toward the wedding, that oftentimes means they get to invite more people than the other set of parents, on the basis of 'he who pays get a say.'

As far as a number -- five invites means 10 people, including SOs, so that's an additional 20 people (roughly 2.5 tables) and extra centrepieces, favours, etc.

How big is your wedding? We invited 152 people; an additional 20 would have increased our guest list by 13 percent. If you're inviting 60 people, an additional 20 guests will increase your guest list by 33 percent. 

That being said, between when we drafted our guest list and when we sent out STDates, my mother added 14 people to our guest list. (However, my parents also paid for the reception, so I was willing to let it slide.)

Also be aware that one or both sets of parents might offer to 'pay' for their additional guests -- i.e., you let them invite 10 people and they want to invite 20, and they offer to pay for the difference. If you accept that offer (and you certainly don't have to) be sure to (a) get the money up-front and (b) factor in ALL costs -- food, alcohol, centrepieces, tables, chairs, linens, favours, cake, etc.

EricaCat1

All sets of parents are paying (biological & step). I want to have 400 people like my friend's beautiful wedding. I want every beloved relative there, as I still have several living grandparents as well as great aunts and uncles. My fiancé disagrees on the number and thinks it is much too big. But my friend's wedding was GORGEOUS and I want it to be as much like hers as possible.

Maggie0829

EricaCat1 said:

All sets of parents are paying (biological & step). I want to have 400 people like my friend's beautiful wedding. I want every beloved relative there, as I still have several living grandparents as well as great aunts and uncles. My fiancé disagrees on the number and thinks it is much too big. But my friend's wedding was GORGEOUS and I want it to be as much like hers as possible.

So you want 400 guests because your friend had 400 guests at her wedding?  Do you realize how much that is going to cost?  Are all parents okay with paying for that large of a wedding?  And if your FI is unhappy with that many guests then I think you need to come to a compromise on the number.  Just because you want it doesn't mean that you should have it.  This is his wedding to. And I agree with him, 400 people is a ridiculous amount of guests, IMO.

But to answer your main question, everyone needs to sit down and make one list to include all family members (and their SOs/children) that should be invited.  See how many there are and then take whatever number is left over and divide by however many sets of parents you have plus you and your FI and that is the number of people each group gets to invite.

HisGirlFriday13

EricaCat1 said:

All sets of parents are paying (biological & step). I want to have 400 people like my friend's beautiful wedding. I want every beloved relative there, as I still have several living grandparents as well as great aunts and uncles. My fiancé disagrees on the number and thinks it is much too big. But my friend's wedding was GORGEOUS and I want it to be as much like hers as possible.

First of all, stop comparing. Your wedding is your wedding; hers was hers. You don't need to compare or try to one-up her, or have your wedding be like hers. That's petty and childish; if you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to not compare yourself.

Second of all, 400 people is a crap-ton of people. If you're inviting that many people AND your parents are paying, then you should probably give them more of the guest list.

Given that you say all parents, biological and step, are contributing, you might be better off dividing your list into roughly equal portions and allotting one portion to each person/set of parents.

I.e., 400 people is 8 sets of 50 guests, so 8 sets of 25 invites (assuming one invite = 2 people), so 25 invites to your mother/stepfather, 25 invites to your dad/stepmother, 25 invites to your FI's mother/stepfather, 25 invites to your FI's father/stepmother, and the rest for you and your FI. 

Also, 400 people is A LOT of people. At our per-person price for food/alcohol alone, 400 people would have cost us $14,400 -- and that doesn't include the $4 per-person facility fee (another $1,600), our favours ($1 each, so another $400), our centrepieces ($5 each, so $250), etc.

If you want to and can afford to host 400 people properly, by all means do so. But figure out how much each parent is contributing and how much your overall budget will be and from there, figure out how much you can spend per person on your 400-person guest list so you can start pricing venues.

Also, remember that everyone who pays gets a say, so be prepared to have lots of opinions on flowers, decor, favours, food, etc.

tcnoble

There is no hard rule that says each person in the family has to invite an equal amount of people. What if your side of the family is very large and his is very small, or vice versa? 

Are all paying parties splitting costs down the middle, or what do the contributions look like? Who is comfortable paying how much and for what?

FWIW, of our 185 person guest list, almost 100 +/- of them are FIs family/friends, with the rest being mine/my family... and while my dad is funding most of the wedding, FFIL is also contributing in several areas, so we didn't feel it was necessary to be petty about a difference of 15-20 guests. But this was also because both paying parties agreed it wasn't a big deal.

I highly suggest you price out what an event for 400 people would cost before you build a guest list of that size. And if your FI disagrees with it, don't forget it is his wedding too and his thoughts/ideas/feelings should be taken in to account as well.

HisGirlFriday13

Also, FTR, we invited 152 people to our wedding. Of that, 60 were DH's 'side' and 92 were my 'side.'

mysticl

The 400 guests is not what made your friend's wedding gorgeous.  

EricaCat1

I know my fiance & I have to talk about it and I hope I can convince him because I have so many people near and dear to my heart who include not only relatives but friends, neighborhood buddies, co-workers, and former co-workers.  I get very attached to people.  =\

Also, I know the 400 guests is not what made my friend's wedding gorgeous but it really helped to fill up the reception hall and the dance floor and it was soooo lively...everyone was happy and excited and when I say everybody danced I mean EVERYBODY danced!  There were the most beautiful decorations, the most beautiful bridal and bridesmaids gowns, and the most delicious food.  This wedding was 15 years ago and people still talk about it to this day!!

HisGirlFriday13

EricaCat1 said:

I know my fiance & I have to talk about it and I hope I can convince him because I have so many people near and dear to my heart who include not only relatives but friends, neighborhood buddies, co-workers, and former co-workers.  I get very attached to people.  =\

Also, I know the 400 guests is not what made my friend's wedding gorgeous but it really helped to fill up the reception hall and the dance floor and it was soooo lively...everyone was happy and excited and when I say everybody danced I mean EVERYBODY danced!  There were the most beautiful decorations, the most beautiful bridal and bridesmaids gowns, and the most delicious food.  This wedding was 15 years ago and people still talk about it to this day!!

Wait...you're comparing your upcoming wedding to a wedding that happened FIFTEEN YEARS AGO?! As in, last century?

doeydo

If I were you, I would determine what the exact budget is; how much money will you have to work with?  We do say, though, to not count on money that is not in your hand yet.  Then, you and your FI can make a list of who you must have there, would like to have there, and might want there.  How big are those numbers?  What is important to you and your FI in your wedding? I mean, what is more important than other aspects versus things you are willing to compromise on.  Also, what kind of wedding do you both want?  It sounds like you want a party/dance atmosphere, what about him?  How much input will your families want to give?  If you do not want their input, you must turn down the money and pay for the wedding yourself, because 'he who pays has a say'.

tammym1001

This is coming from a bride who gave our parents 0 invites so you can take this advice or not, but I think if you are wanting 400 people at your wedding and your parents are all paying for it then you need to give them more than 5 invites each.

CMGragain

I call MUD.  Anybody who is so unrealistic can't be real - I hope!

EricaCat1

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I know my fiance & I have to talk about it and I hope I can convince him because I have so many people near and dear to my heart who include not only relatives but friends, neighborhood buddies, co-workers, and former co-workers.  I get very attached to people.  =\

Also, I know the 400 guests is not what made my friend's wedding gorgeous but it really helped to fill up the reception hall and the dance floor and it was soooo lively...everyone was happy and excited and when I say everybody danced I mean EVERYBODY danced!  There were the most beautiful decorations, the most beautiful bridal and bridesmaids gowns, and the most delicious food.  This wedding was 15 years ago and people still talk about it to this day!!

Wait...you're comparing your upcoming wedding to a wedding that happened FIFTEEN YEARS AGO?! As in, last century?

Lol yea it is a while back but it was beautiful!  Everything was picture-perfect.  The reception was seven hours long.  The bride and her bridesmaids all looked like models.  The songs were amazing (well except for two silly inappropriate ones requested by one of the bride's rogue guy friends).  And I know having 400 guests is not what makes a wedding gorgeous, but the diversity of the guests was awesome!!  Family flown in from Italy.  Family flown in from Ireland.  Many, many colorful urban ethnic (Italian-American and Irish-American) family members from the bride's and groom's side.  Bride's stepfather's family from the Midwest.  The bride's fun, boisterous male friends (mostly law enforcement and firefighters).  The bride's handsome dad & his police buddies as well as her handsome stepfather and his USNA alumni friends dressed in full Navy uniform.  Her mother and grandmothers looking stunning.  Lots of happy children running about.  It was probably as close to perfect as it gets.  So many people to this day say it was the best time they ever had!

HisGirlFriday13

EricaCat1 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

EricaCat1 said:

I know my fiance & I have to talk about it and I hope I can convince him because I have so many people near and dear to my heart who include not only relatives but friends, neighborhood buddies, co-workers, and former co-workers.  I get very attached to people.  =\

Also, I know the 400 guests is not what made my friend's wedding gorgeous but it really helped to fill up the reception hall and the dance floor and it was soooo lively...everyone was happy and excited and when I say everybody danced I mean EVERYBODY danced!  There were the most beautiful decorations, the most beautiful bridal and bridesmaids gowns, and the most delicious food.  This wedding was 15 years ago and people still talk about it to this day!!

Wait...you're comparing your upcoming wedding to a wedding that happened FIFTEEN YEARS AGO?! As in, last century?

Lol yea it is a while back but it was beautiful!  Everything was picture-perfect.  The reception was seven hours long.  The bride and her bridesmaids all looked like models.  The songs were amazing (well except for two silly inappropriate ones requested by one of the bride's rogue guy friends).  And I know having 400 guests is not what makes a wedding gorgeous, but the diversity of the guests was awesome!!  Family flown in from Italy.  Family flown in from Ireland.  Many, many colorful urban ethnic (Italian-American and Irish-American) family members from the bride's and groom's side.  Bride's stepfather's family from the Midwest.  The bride's fun, boisterous male friends (mostly law enforcement and firefighters).  The bride's handsome dad & his police buddies as well as her handsome stepfather and his USNA alumni friends dressed in full Navy uniform.  Her mother and grandmothers looking stunning.  Lots of happy children running about.  It was probably as close to perfect as it gets.  So many people to this day say it was the best time they ever had!

Your wedding is never going to live up to that. Ever. No matter what you do.

Stop trying to re-create someone else's perfect wedding and instead plan your OWN wedding, that reflects you and your FI, not someone else's.

CMGragain

I hope that you are budgeting enough money to pay the fashion models to pose as bridesmaids, so they will look picture perfect on your perfect day.  I still call MUD. 

CMGragain

EricaCat1 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I know my fiance & I have to talk about it and I hope I can convince him because I have so many people near and dear to my heart who include not only relatives but friends, neighborhood buddies, co-workers, and former co-workers.  I get very attached to people.  =\

Also, I know the 400 guests is not what made my friend's wedding gorgeous but it really helped to fill up the reception hall and the dance floor and it was soooo lively...everyone was happy and excited and when I say everybody danced I mean EVERYBODY danced!  There were the most beautiful decorations, the most beautiful bridal and bridesmaids gowns, and the most delicious food.  This wedding was 15 years ago and people still talk about it to this day!!

Wait...you're comparing your upcoming wedding to a wedding that happened FIFTEEN YEARS AGO?! As in, last century?

Lol yea it is a while back but it was beautiful!w  Everything was picture-perfect.  The reception was seven hours long.  The bride and her bridesmaids all looked like models. The songs were amazing (well except for two silly inappropriate ones requested by one of the bride's rogue guy friends).  And I know having 400 guests is not what makes a wedding gorgeous, but the diversity of the guests was awesome!!  Family flown in from Italy.  Family flown in from Ireland.  Many, many colorful urban ethnic (Italian-American and Irish-American) family members from the bride's and groom's side.  Bride's stepfather's family from the Midwest.  The bride's fun, boisterous male friends (mostly law enforcement and firefighters).  The bride's handsome dad & his police buddies as well as her handsome stepfather and his USNA alumni friends dressed in full uniform.  Her mother and grandmothers looking stunning.  Lots of happy children running aNavybout.  It was probably as close to perfect as it gets.  So many people to this day say it was the best time they ever had!

OK, let me tell you about the perfect wedding I attended.  The bride stood up with her three close friends, who most definitely did not look anything like models.  The bride was two inches taller than the groom.  The groom's party were varying sizes and shapes, one very obese.  The MOG had to be helped up to the candle for the candel lighting ceremony, because she was disabled.  The MOB was obese.
After the church ceremony, everyone drove to a nearby country club for brunch and mimosas.  The young people danced, and the old folks chatted.  Everyone expressed affection and best wishes for the bride and groom, and the room seemed full of love.  The young couple was very happy.
Yes, it was perfect.

mysticl

EricaCat1 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I know my fiance & I have to talk about it and I hope I can convince him because I have so many people near and dear to my heart who include not only relatives but friends, neighborhood buddies, co-workers, and former co-workers.  I get very attached to people.  =\

Also, I know the 400 guests is not what made my friend's wedding gorgeous but it really helped to fill up the reception hall and the dance floor and it was soooo lively...everyone was happy and excited and when I say everybody danced I mean EVERYBODY danced!  There were the most beautiful decorations, the most beautiful bridal and bridesmaids gowns, and the most delicious food.  This wedding was 15 years ago and people still talk about it to this day!!

Wait...you're comparing your upcoming wedding to a wedding that happened FIFTEEN YEARS AGO?! As in, last century?

Lol yea it is a while back but it was beautiful!  Everything was picture-perfect.  The reception was seven hours long.  The bride and her bridesmaids all looked like models.  The songs were amazing (well except for two silly inappropriate ones requested by one of the bride's rogue guy friends).  And I know having 400 guests is not what makes a wedding gorgeous, but the diversity of the guests was awesome!!  Family flown in from Italy.  Family flown in from Ireland.  Many, many colorful urban ethnic (Italian-American and Irish-American) family members from the bride's and groom's side.  Bride's stepfather's family from the Midwest.  The bride's fun, boisterous male friends (mostly law enforcement and firefighters).  The bride's handsome dad & his police buddies as well as her handsome stepfather and his USNA alumni friends dressed in full Navy uniform.  Her mother and grandmothers looking stunning.  Lots of happy children running about.  It was probably as close to perfect as it gets.  So many people to this day say it was the best time they ever had!

Do you plan on inviting those people to your wedding?  Do you get that those specific people are what made the day what it was?  You can try to copy her food, venue, and decorations but you can't copy a vibe.  

Maggie0829

I think you are going to have a hard time planning your wedding and will most likely be very disappointed at the end result because nothing will ever live up to this amazing image you have created in your head of a wedding that happened 15 years ago.

Also, a lot of people have a good amount of people who are near and dear to their hearts but unfortunately have to draw a line in the sand on how many they can invite.  If the parents are paying then you need to discuss budget and guest list count with them.  You may be sorely disappointed when they tell you that they can only give you a total of $10K and that you can only invite 100 people.

Fairyjen1

EricaCat1 said:

All sets of parents are paying (biological & step). I want to have 400 people like my friend's beautiful wedding. I want every beloved relative there, as I still have several living grandparents as well as great aunts and uncles. My fiancé disagrees on the number and thinks it is much too big. But my friend's wedding was GORGEOUS and I want it to be as much like hers as possible.

   This concept is weird to me. I'd only have 400 people there if I had 400 people FI and I were close to and wanted there. Not because someone else's wedding looked good with 400 people. We originally came up with 300 people we COULD invite if we wanted when we considered a larger wedding. I'd have to invite random people off the street to come up with 400. It sounds like you are trying to cast extras for a movie in order to get a certain 'look'. 

     In my case it was me who didn't want the large wedding. I'd have to reconsider the whole marriage thing if my Fi was insisting on having a larger event than I was comfortable with. Fortunately we discovered that we both really liked the idea of an immediate family only wedding. I was willing to go a bit larger than that if he really wanted a big party (120-150). But he looked at the cost and drama involved and decided smaller was better, LOL. 

    Now to read the rest of the thread...I couldn't get past that post!

buttercup1958

I'm not even sure I know a 100 people let alone 400..

VulgarGirl

I'm not even sure I know a 100 people let alone 400..

I had the same thought.

misshart00

We invited 450. Yes, its a lot but it's not completely out there.

ShadeofGreen816

EricaCat1 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I know my fiance & I have to talk about it and I hope I can convince him because I have so many people near and dear to my heart who include not only relatives but friends, neighborhood buddies, co-workers, and former co-workers.  I get very attached to people.  =\

Also, I know the 400 guests is not what made my friend's wedding gorgeous but it really helped to fill up the reception hall and the dance floor and it was soooo lively...everyone was happy and excited and when I say everybody danced I mean EVERYBODY danced!  There were the most beautiful decorations, the most beautiful bridal and bridesmaids gowns, and the most delicious food.  This wedding was 15 years ago and people still talk about it to this day!!

Wait...you're comparing your upcoming wedding to a wedding that happened FIFTEEN YEARS AGO?! As in, last century?

Lol yea it is a while back but it was beautiful!  Everything was picture-perfect.  The reception was seven hours long.  The bride and her bridesmaids all looked like models.  The songs were amazing (well except for two silly inappropriate ones requested by one of the bride's rogue guy friends).  And I know having 400 guests is not what makes a wedding gorgeous, but the diversity of the guests was awesome!!  Family flown in from Italy.  Family flown in from Ireland.  Many, many colorful urban ethnic (Italian-American and Irish-American) family members from the bride's and groom's side.  Bride's stepfather's family from the Midwest.  The bride's fun, boisterous male friends (mostly law enforcement and firefighters).  The bride's handsome dad & his police buddies as well as her handsome stepfather and his USNA alumni friends dressed in full Navy uniform.  Her mother and grandmothers looking stunning.  Lots of happy children running about.  It was probably as close to perfect as it gets.  So many people to this day say it was the best time they ever had!

I seriously cannot get over my feeling of "is this really for real?" If you want a "full" reception, do what so many of our ill-advised people do and invite 175 people to a reception hall that only holds 125. Should get a lot yes's since you're apparently hiring the crew from a Tommy Hilfiger shoot

In all seriousness, PLEASE just look online, in magazines and find some other images of weddings that look beautiful to you and make this day special and unique. You only get to do this once (maybe) and you don't want to feel like you're striving to recreate SOMEONE else's day.

EricaCat1

scribe95 said:

Out of curiosity - how old were you 15 years ago? Because you are talking like this was some magical fairy tale. Very odd. 

I was 21.

EricaCat1

CMGragain said:

EricaCat1 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

EricaCat1 said:

I know my fiance & I have to talk about it and I hope I can convince him because I have so many people near and dear to my heart who include not only relatives but friends, neighborhood buddies, co-workers, and former co-workers.  I get very attached to people.  =\

Also, I know the 400 guests is not what made my friend's wedding gorgeous but it really helped to fill up the reception hall and the dance floor and it was soooo lively...everyone was happy and excited and when I say everybody danced I mean EVERYBODY danced!  There were the most beautiful decorations, the most beautiful bridal and bridesmaids gowns, and the most delicious food.  This wedding was 15 years ago and people still talk about it to this day!!

Wait...you're comparing your upcoming wedding to a wedding that happened FIFTEEN YEARS AGO?! As in, last century?

Lol yea it is a while back but it was beautiful!w  Everything was picture-perfect.  The reception was seven hours long.  The bride and her bridesmaids all looked like models. The songs were amazing (well except for two silly inappropriate ones requested by one of the bride's rogue guy friends).  And I know having 400 guests is not what makes a wedding gorgeous, but the diversity of the guests was awesome!!  Family flown in from Italy.  Family flown in from Ireland.  Many, many colorful urban ethnic (Italian-American and Irish-American) family members from the bride's and groom's side.  Bride's stepfather's family from the Midwest.  The bride's fun, boisterous male friends (mostly law enforcement and firefighters).  The bride's handsome dad & his police buddies as well as her handsome stepfather and his USNA alumni friends dressed in full uniform.  Her mother and grandmothers looking stunning.  Lots of happy children running aNavybout.  It was probably as close to perfect as it gets.  So many people to this day say it was the best time they ever had!

OK, let me tell you about the perfect wedding I attended.  The bride stood up with her three close friends, who most definitely did not look anything like models.  The bride was two inches taller than the groom.  The groom's party were varying sizes and shapes, one very obese.  The MOG had to be helped up to the candle for the candel lighting ceremony, because she was disabled.  The MOB was obese.
After the church ceremony, everyone drove to a nearby country club for brunch and mimosas.  The young people danced, and the old folks chatted.  Everyone expressed affection and best wishes for the bride and groom, and the room seemed full of love.  The young couple was very happy.
Yes, it was perfect.

That does sound perfect and very sweet. My fiance is Chinese and the thing is also that he has SO MANY RELATIVES both here in the States and also in China. They would love to be a part of it, especially his family in China who never really gets to visit the US. And his parents are very successful and he is too, and he is a saver just like his parents who save every penny. They certainly have the money to dish out to help us with a big wedding in which my relatives & friends and all their relatives in the US and China may attend. I would think they (and my fiance) would love to see them and give them a beautiful opportunity to visit the USA.

Fairyjen1

   Hey, if you have 400 people you are close enough to invite to your wedding, and you have the means to fund it, go for it! 

   It's just odd to me that you would want to copy someone else's wedding exactly like that and  expect it will turn out the same. You make it sound like Disneyland..shoot, I'm having my wedding at Disneyland and I don't expect it will be as magical as you made that wedding from 15 years ago sound! A good time, sure but it's just a wedding!

   Mentioning the Bridesmaids looked like models also makes it seem like you will pick your wedding party based on looks. Not that there's really anything wrong with that, or maybe all your friends look like models, but I'm just trying to understand. My bridal party is my nearest and dearest and I don't care what they look like beyond basic hygiene. 

   Other than you and your fiance' not being on the same page about wedding size, there really isn't anything wrong with wanting to copy that wedding if you can afford it. I don't mean to snark or belittle your feelings. I just think you're setting yourself up for disappointment. 

ohannabelle

I don't think I even like 400 people.

AddieCake

Wanting to invite 400 people because it fills space is absurd.

CMGragain

The wedding I posted about WAS Chinese.  The groom is 2nd generation American.  We had 135 guests, most of whom were his family and the couple's friends.  If we could do it with less than 200 people, so can you.  Invited all aunts, uncles, great uncle, and first cousins with kids.  Open bar would have been a waste, as most of his family doesn't drink alcohol.