The dreaded "gap"

LondonLisa

courtneyandjohn2014 said:

tcnoble said:

Our ceremony isn't until 6:15. Guests will be served dinner shortly after 7. I fully expect that because our guests are adults or under the care of an adult that they can prepare themselves accordingly to eat a later dinner. I don't think that's an imposition at all.

I'm sorry, but I don't exactly see the distinction. What I hear you saying is that adults are capable of rearranging their entire meal schedule for the day to accommodate an unusual ceremony time, but aren't capable of figuring out what to do with themselves for an hour to accommodate a break before the reception, which they will know about in advance? That's crazy. Also, just 'cause I'm curious -- how on earth are you serving dinner so fast? Is your ceremony at your reception venue? Our ceremony wouldn't even be over by 7 if that was us!

Are you honestly saying that unless you eat the wedding dinner promptly at 6pm, it is rude? What about people that regularly eat at 5:30 or 8? I personally prefer to eat after 7:30 but it certainly isn't rude if I'm at a wedding that serves it at 5. 

Gaps are always rude, and no amount of word-twisting, justifying or "contextualisation" is going to fix that. Would you invite someone to dinner, serve them their hors d'oeuvres, then kick them out of your house and tell them to come back in an hour for dinner? I mean they're adults, they can go to the pub on the corner. Of course not! Even if you had to, say, pop into the kitchen to prepare your main, you would top everyone's drinks up and make sure they were hosted, and ensure you were only away for a short time whilst you were otherwise occupied (which is equivalent to doing photography at the cocktail hour). 

ShesSoCold

afrye88 said:

We are having a "gap" of sorts with ours without leaving guests to figure out what to do.  Our location has an event on the roof at 5 so they need us off the roof by 4:30.  The way we have it set up is we will do a cocktail hour from 3 to 4 on the roof.  Dinner is in the same location just downstairs in another room.  So at 4 our guests will head down to the reception room but dinner won't be served until about 5:30.  Our dinner won't be ridiculously early  this way and guests won't have to figure out what to do for a couple hours.

What are they supposed to do for that hour and a half? Stand around and pick their noses?

PrettyGirlLost

courtneyandjohn2014 said:

It was always sort of my understanding (as I gather is generally accepted here) that the cocktail hour should start right after the ceremony. But two of the last three weddings I went to have had a gap between them (and the only one that didn't was one were the ceremony and the reception were at the same place).

Now that I'm planning my own wedding, I find the gap seems almost inevitable, and -- for some guests -- maybe even helpful. Am I crazy? Is there a better solution here?

The problem is that we go to a Catholic church that has a 4 p.m. mass on Saturdays. Which means our wedding needs to end early enough for them to get everything back to normal by 4 p.m. It's an hour-plus ceremony, so we're thinking start at 2 p.m., done by 3:15 or 3:30. The reception venue is maybe 15-20 minutes away. If we didn't have a gap, we'd be serving dinner by 4:45 and kicking people out at 9 p.m.

On top of that, the hotel where the reception is (and where most of our guests will be staying) doesn't allow check-in until 4 p.m. So guests driving in that day won't be able to check in until AFTER the ceremony. Is it crazy/rude to plan a gap between the ceremony and the reception to push dinner back to a reasonable time and allow guests to settle in to their rooms?  I think what we're leaning toward is having the ceremony end around 3:15 p.m. and having the cocktail hour start at 4:30 p.m.

Yep, you are crazy!

As a guest, and especially as an OOT guest, I hate gaps.

KGold80

ShesSoCold said:

afrye88 said:

We are having a "gap" of sorts with ours without leaving guests to figure out what to do.  Our location has an event on the roof at 5 so they need us off the roof by 4:30.  The way we have it set up is we will do a cocktail hour from 3 to 4 on the roof.  Dinner is in the same location just downstairs in another room.  So at 4 our guests will head down to the reception room but dinner won't be served until about 5:30.  Our dinner won't be ridiculously early  this way and guests won't have to figure out what to do for a couple hours.

What are they supposed to do for that hour and a half? Stand around and pick their noses?

THIS. If I were to be shuffled into another room after cocktail hour with nothing happening for an hour and a half I'd be very, very annoyed.

MobKaz

afrye88 said:

We will still have our open bar at that time and we are doing some things that are traditionally saved for after dinner.  We will be having our first dance before dinner and possibly the parents dance.  We are also thinking about doing something like a dollar dance (without the dollar part I find that somewhat tacky almost like asking for cash on a registry.)  I also want something like a photo booth.  I am not sure what yet because I want it to be unique and I feel like that is over played now.  We are having a plated dinner also so people will need some time to get their escort card and table.  The way our venue is set up time frames are a little more loose too.  When I say our cocktail hour is over at 4 what I mean is that is when they are going to begin to ask people to move downstairs because they need the last person off of the roof by 4:30.  Our venue is also our caterer and till the way they serve dinner the man course will be served at 5:30 but salad will be served about 15 to 20 minutes before that.

Since when did everyone on this site get so rude?  You can ask questions and give answers without all the attitude.  Everyone seems to have such a poor attitude about what other people don't know or do differently.  Bottom line it is your day you can do whatever you want.  If you have a lot of out of town guests though they may not know what to do with themselves.  If you do have a gap maybe include a small card giving them ideas of local attractions.  I have seen this before where the bride had a lot of family coming from out of state so she included what they could do while in town and during the 2 hour gap that they had in between the ceremony and reception.  It had stuff like the local golf range and a few of the couples favorite spots around town.

The bottom line is that NO guest should have to "know" what to do with themselves.  They are attending a wedding and should only need to be concerned with a continuous flow of wedding related events!

Jen4948

afrye88 said:

mobkaz said:

The bottom line is that NO guest should have to "know" what to do with themselves.  They are attending a wedding and should only need to be concerned with a continuous flow of wedding related events!

I don't agree with a gap.  But it is her day and regardless of what people say we are just giving suggestions.  She said a couple times that she feels it is inevitable.  If she truly feels this way nothing you say will change this fact.  Personally I would rather have suggestions then to just sit around for 2 hours waiting for the reception to start.  

Sorry, it's not her day but the day of everyone present, and that is why wasting the time of guests with gaps where there is nothing for them to do but sit around and wait for the reception to start is rude.  It's not up to us to condone rudeness and that's why we don't.  There may still be time for the OP to change her mind, and if we can get her to do so, it's in everyone's best interest to prevent rudeness.

We are saying this not just for the OP but for everyone else who might read this thread.  Gaps are rude regardless of what the OP chooses to do.  Any "she didn't ask you" or "I'm going to do whatever I want because it's my day" has no place here in this forum.

artbyallie

Jen4948 said:

afrye88 said:

mobkaz said:

The bottom line is that NO guest should have to "know" what to do with themselves.  They are attending a wedding and should only need to be concerned with a continuous flow of wedding related events!

I don't agree with a gap.  But it is her day and regardless of what people say we are just giving suggestions.  She said a couple times that she feels it is inevitable.  If she truly feels this way nothing you say will change this fact.  Personally I would rather have suggestions then to just sit around for 2 hours waiting for the reception to start.  

Sorry, it's not her day but the day of everyone present, and that is why wasting the time of guests with gaps where there is nothing for them to do but sit around and wait for the reception to start is rude.  It's not up to us to condone rudeness and that's why we don't.  There may still be time for the OP to change her mind, and if we can get her to do so, it's in everyone's best interest to prevent rudeness.

We are saying this not just for the OP but for everyone else who might read this thread.  Gaps are rude regardless of what the OP chooses to do.  Any "she didn't ask you" or "I'm going to do whatever I want because it's my day" has no place here in this forum.

Note too that this poster (afrye) is not even having a gap between wedding and reception but between cocktail hour and dinner. She is already married, which makes the 'first dance' and other wedding features not things she should be doing. No one should be taking etiquette advice from her.

NYCMercedes

We get dressed up for a wedding. We don't want to play golf afterwards, nor do we want to sightsee, nor do we need to freshen up afterwards. We are ready to follow the B&G to the reception to celebrate with them. Asking us to wait is just plain rude. And...it's not her day! It's usually my one day off from work. I'm choosing to be respectful of the wedded couple and they should reciprocate that respect to their guests. Otherwise, why did they even invite guests for two separate events?

fallingtogether1017

Wow -- I am honestly always surprised at how rude people are on here.  I don't think it's a fair judgement to say that gaps between ceremony and reception happen because of a selfish and inconsiderate bride and groom.  

I am having my Catholic mass at 4pm - 5pm and arriving at our reception at 6:30.  The ceremony and reception are about 25 minutes away. 

I think the gaps are a regional thing.  My FH is from Minnesota, and that is definitely the NORM and practically expected.  I'm from Oregon and it is not standard or "normal" for people to have a gap, let alone have two different places to be.  Probably because OR is one of the least religious states in the entire US, which would mean that many couples getting married don't even have their ceremony in a church.   As a converted Catholic, that is expected.

So -- consider your surroundings, your own beliefs and the people attending your wedding before making a completely rude assumption about why other people are choosing to do certain things.

I like the gap.  Gives me time to grab a drink and spend time with others before the fun begins.

Viczaesar

fallingtogether1017 said:

Wow -- I am honestly always surprised at how rude people are on here.  I don't think it's a fair judgement to say that gaps between ceremony and reception happen because of a selfish and inconsiderate bride and groom.  

I am having my Catholic mass at 4pm - 5pm and arriving at our reception at 6:30.  The ceremony and reception are about 25 minutes away. 

I think the gaps are a regional thing.  My FH is from Minnesota, and that is definitely the NORM and practically expected.  I'm from Oregon and it is not standard or "normal" for people to have a gap, let alone have two different places to be.  Probably because OR is one of the least religious states in the entire US, which would mean that many couples getting married don't even have their ceremony in a church.   As a converted Catholic, that is expected.

So -- consider your surroundings, your own beliefs and the people attending your wedding before making a completely rude assumption about why other people are choosing to do certain things.

I like the gap.  Gives me time to grab a drink and spend time with others before the fun begins.

No.  Gap = rude, no matter why you're doing it.

CMGragain

I do agree that the day belongs to the bride and groom, and they should own it, do whatever they want, and enjoy their day - unless they plan to invite guests.
Once you invite guests, your obligations as a host take over, and your first duty is to treat your guests with courtesy and consideration.  This means planning properly so there is no gap.

Jen4948

fallingtogether1017 said:

Wow -- I am honestly always surprised at how rude people are on here.  I don't think it's a fair judgement to say that gaps between ceremony and reception happen because of a selfish and inconsiderate bride and groom.  

I am having my Catholic mass at 4pm - 5pm and arriving at our reception at 6:30.  The ceremony and reception are about 25 minutes away. 

I think the gaps are a regional thing.  My FH is from Minnesota, and that is definitely the NORM and practically expected.  I'm from Oregon and it is not standard or "normal" for people to have a gap, let alone have two different places to be.  Probably because OR is one of the least religious states in the entire US, which would mean that many couples getting married don't even have their ceremony in a church.   As a converted Catholic, that is expected.

So -- consider your surroundings, your own beliefs and the people attending your wedding before making a completely rude assumption about why other people are choosing to do certain things.

I like the gap.  Gives me time to grab a drink and spend time with others before the fun begins.

Sorry, no.  Your liking the gap does nothing to make it polite.  And no, no one should consider their surroundings, or their own beliefs before assuming that there are any circumstances in which gaps are acceptable is polite, because there are none. 

The only appropriate advice you've given here is to consider the guests, which is exactly why gaps are rude.  It leaves the guests stranded between the ceremony and reception with no hospitality, possibly no options for food, drink, or transportation at all, and still having to wear their wedding outfits, for several hours.  Expecting guests to endure all that just because you like a gap, want to take a lot of photos, your ceremony venue requires a daytime wedding and you want an evening reception, or for that matter, any other reason including "it's what's done around here/in our families" is unjustifiably rude.

HisGirlFriday13

If Mass is at 4, why not have your wedding at 5.30 and then dinner at 7?

And gaps are always rude, no matter what.

tcnoble

courtneyandjohn2014 said:

tcnoble said:

Our ceremony isn't until 6:15. Guests will be served dinner shortly after 7. I fully expect that because our guests are adults or under the care of an adult that they can prepare themselves accordingly to eat a later dinner. I don't think that's an imposition at all.

I'm sorry, but I don't exactly see the distinction. What I hear you saying is that adults are capable of rearranging their entire meal schedule for the day to accommodate an unusual ceremony time, but aren't capable of figuring out what to do with themselves for an hour to accommodate a break before the reception, which they will know about in advance? That's crazy. Also, just 'cause I'm curious -- how on earth are you serving dinner so fast? Is your ceremony at your reception venue? Our ceremony wouldn't even be over by 7 if that was us!

Expecting guests to grab a snack later in the day is world's away from inconveniencing them with a gap that could be avoided, in my opinion. And yes, our reception is at the same location

Fairyjen1

We went to two OOT weddings last year. Both started at 4pm and I could not find a hotel with a check in time before 4pm.

One was part of a large chain. I called ahead and they had no problem letting us check in an hour early. The other wedding only had B and B's in the area. To make it worse the wedding was at a remote winery with no parking so you had to use their shuttle and shuttles didn't start to head back until 9pm. We ended up staying at the one B and B that would make arrangements for a later ( after 10pm) check in.

There was no gap. This was just in answer to the person who said they never heard of a check in time past 1:30. I have traveled a lot and lately the most c'mon check in time is after 3

GlendaReeves

I've been to several that had a slight gap (30 min) that allowed for after wedding chatter with guests,  travel, parking, etc.  I've also been to a few where they may have still been setting up a bit if the ceremony and reception are in the same place, but that's what cocktail hour in a different section is for.  Many brides will start cocktail hour for guests while they are doing photos and then come in at reception hour.  I think you should contact the hotel. You shouldn't have to do anything with the bags, they should have a concierge do it, or you can have a friend/family member. 

IMO if I was heading to a wedding I would leave my stuff in the car until after reception. 

bneums

This is definitely an issue related to catholic weddings, that Saturday afternoon mass gets you every time.  The point is, it's you're wedding, if you want an evening reception do it.  But there are various options you can set up so that your guest have other options during the gap.  See if your in-laws, or your parent's can have a suite and have the family up to their room for drinks, or see if an in-town relative would be willing to have the family over to their place during the break. 

nextdoorneighbor

You should avoid lengthy gaps if at all possible.  This will be my second wedding - both Catholic.  I understand the constraints of having your ceremony at the Church (the latest scheduled ceremony is almost always 2pm due to Saturday evening Mass).  And trying to figure out what time to start the "party"  can be tricky. The ceremony generally lasts about 60 minutes.  We have to be out of the church by 3:30 pm.  You want to make things as convenient as possible for your guests .  

My reception site was about 20 minutes away the first time and will be about the same distance this time.  We scheduled the cocktail hour to begin at 4pm to avoid a long gap.  The folks who didn't stick around the Church for the receiving line got to the reception site early.  But for everyone else, there was minimal waiting; especiailly if you take parking into consideration. 

I do believe a slight gap is unavoidable; there needs to be enough time for everyone to get from the church to the reception without feeling rushed. And with a ceremony and reception in two separate locations, I don't see how anyone could coordinate clock-work, precision timing.  But a gap of more than 15-30 minutes is very inconvenient for your guests.

If you plan to have a gap that is longer than this, expect fewer people to actually show up at the ceremony.  No one will want to wait around in between the ceremony and the reception; therefore, they may simply decide to only show up at the reception rather than hang around with nothing to do. Ultimately, if they are forewarned with the information, it will be their decision to come for the whole day - gap included - or just show up for the reception. 

(FYI.  In my area, gaps are becoming increasingly acceptable to my dismay.  I think it is rude to have your guests wait around for an hour while the bride and groom have photos taken just so the bride and groom don't miss cocktail hour.  That's what cocktail hour is for!  In many instances, I've heard of one or both sets of parents hosting people back at their homes in bewteen the ceremony and reception.  This is simply an added expense and burden on the families.  And besides that, guests will nosh at the "in-between" party and won't be hungry or impressed by the hors d'oeurvres that you so painstakely picked out!) 

olivmila

I think it would be nice if your guests could check in before the ceremony so they could get cleaned up, change and what not. Could you change the date or the reception venue? A gap that small I don't think is an issue, but you can have cocktails and appetizers available as the guests arrive

VulgarGirl

If someone gives me a gap at a wedding, I'm going to find a bar and get shift faced. I may or may not show up to your reception. I will be drunk if I come.

That's the risk you take when you choose your "wedding vision" over being a good host. 

nicole4793

I'm amazed at how rude people are being to you!! I'm catholic as well, and I will most definitely have a gap. It's not rude or selfish. My sister-in-law's father offered to have snacks and drinks at his diner so people have a place to go in between. I've never been to a wedding where there isn't a gap, besides when the ceremony/reception were in the same spot. I'm shocked that people are being so weird in this forum about it.... Do what you think feels right... If there's a gap, so be it. If that influences whether or not guests come, then they don't belong there in the first place!

BiaM0326

Wow. I rly can't believe how many people are saying that a gap is "rude & inconsiderate" my fiancé and I are having the same dilemma and at the end of the day this is OUR day and if we want time In between to do what we must for our day to go as we've planned all this time than so be it! I've been to several weddings where the ceremony is at a church and the cocktail hour starts much later! Usually my friends and I just go to a bar or check in to our hotel until the reception starts! We actually are having a gap because we don't want our guests to miss ANY part of our celebration so we want to allow time for them to check in to the hotel. And our ceremony and reception are at the same place!! I say do what u want, it is your day, call me selfish but I've planned this whole thing I should have a say in how it goes!

missyD242

We are purposely having a 2.5 hour gap so we can take our time with pictures and our closest friends before we move 24 hours away. Gaps are okay as long as they are planned well.

charlotte272727

This sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Have the ceremony end at 3:15, with the chatting that goes on afterwards and the drive to the hotel, people will arrive around 3:45-4. They can check in and come back down for a 4:30 cocktail hour. The caterer should plan on people being early for the cocktail hour, so as long as the bar is ready for them at 4/4:15, it'll be fine.

luckysnorkel

ChristinaS4

These comments are ridiculous. A gap is not inconsiderate as long as you let your guests know and you just can't expect all of them to be at the ceremony. It's your wedding, do what you want. I'm sure other people have inconvenienced you in other ways to have the wedding of their dreams. 

SkiColorado13

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a gap. Honestly, we're probably going to be forced to do the same thing. Our ceremony is at 4, and after that we'll have to do pictures, etc so I'm thinking that our reception won't start until 5 or 6. I don't LOVE the fact that we're doing this, but at this point it's kind of unavoidable. 

Just remember that it's YOUR day. Do what YOU want to do. Your friends and family will live, no matter what the circumstances are.

prnceschris99

We didn't want the dreaded gap either for our upcoming October wedding. We are also having a catholic ceremony in Saturday and have to be out for 5pm mass. We will have a small gap from end of the 1:30 ceremony mass until reception at 4pm. Perfect for pictures.

cforcina

The gap is pretty unavoidable with a Catholic ceremony, unless you want the reception to end super early. There's nothing wrong with it and people get it.

karlyn4

This might be one of the most ridiculous threads I've ever read. If you need to have a gap on your wedding day in order to accommodate the ceremony and reception locations then that is what you need to do. I suppose it would be ridiculous to assume that the people coming to your wedding are in fact your friends and family and are looking forward to celebrating with you both. Having an hour to go back to the hotel check in and unpack leaves very little time before you cocktail hour anyway. I have attended many weddings with gaps and maybe it is regional but I've never felt slighted by the bride and groom or like they don't care about their guests because they had to have an hour between ceremony and reception.