Wedding Etiquette Forum

What people really think about your PPD...

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Re: What people really think about your PPD...

  • Was anyone else surprised that the one with AWish qualities is in her 30s? With all the lying, ME ME ME attitude, and the "our truth" bullshit I wouldn't have guessed over like 23, so I wasn't as disgusted because I thought she was just a spoiled kid who didn't know better (still disgusted, though).  Now, holy fuck.

    And her second wedding...not that you can't have a big second wedding, I'm just surprised anyone would go to such lengths to have their vision, perfect day, etc the second time around - and at the expense of their guests while lying about the actual wedding date.

    I was way more laid back when I got remarried and far more concerned about the marriage and guests - not duping them into spending thousands on a vacation to see me get married when surprise, I already am married, but ya know - I'm not going to tell you, bc the truth will set you free or at least all the money from your wallet or some other BS I think is clever...
    This surprises you? No one gets married thinking "well, when I do it again, this is what I'm going to do...." But when life gives your lemons, pull out the vodka and get to it! This is my partner's (is this term a decent compromise for everyone?) first wedding, does he not deserve to have a wedding that is to his liking and preferences too? I'm of the belief that it's not all about the bride. I didn't come up with the plan all by myself and then dictate to everyone around us what they are going to do, where they have to be, etc. 

    We both decided we wanted a simple beach wedding. No tuxedos or suits, no ball gown, no garter tosses or flinging bouquets. We wanted a tropical beach, great music, great food, tequila and maybe some Cuban cigars. We figured out when and where we could best afford these things. Then we discussed our VIPS. We knew that there would be some people who wouldn't be able to travel either due to health or finances. When we mutually decided we still want what we want we announced our intentions. The reaction we received was more than positive and supportive from most everyone. Those we assumed wouldn't be making the trip won't be, although for different reasons than we assumed. (That's a whole 'nother story for a different board). 

    Just because I'm in my 30's having my second wedding shouldn't and doesn't mean it's not going to be everything we want it to be (within our control - I'm looking at you, weather!!) In fact, this time around it's even more so to my/our vision because I am older and wiser. I do get to pull from "if I knew then what I know now" type of experience. And we're paying for all of it, which as we all know, does make a huge difference. I don't have to worry about what my Dad thinks of us not doing things in a church I don't even believe in. I don't have to worry about bridesmaid's liking their dresses. I don't have to worry about Aunt so-and-so's feelings about insert-some-bullshit-thing-here. It's small, intimate, easy, in a location everyone who is going is psyched about, and there's no pressure on anyone for anything. 

    If I had to go through one wedding, marriage and divorce you're darned skippy if I'm getting married again, it's going to be everything we want and can afford. "Perfect" is certainly different this time around. My first wedding was 14 years ago and I planned it as a 23-year old first time bride. My expectations were sky high and looking back, the day was beautiful and wonderful BUT the pressure to pull off this big fairytale eclipsed the true meaning of the day. This time around, and with so many life changes since then, I can agree things are going to be much more laid back and about us and our commitment and relationship, not bustles, and veils and cake utensils and horse-drawn carriages. But I don't think any of this should be shocking. If a person is throwing a wedding they should be able to plan it as they see fit and enjoy the fruits of their labor. 
    To this entire epic post you made, everything you described really doesn't matter. What most folks are upset with is your dishonesty. Just tell your VIPS and everyone else coming to your celebration you are already married. 

    Its not a big deal if you are honest. Go ahead and celebrate your union with cake and overindulge on alcohol and tacos, that's fine! You sound like you are going to do an excellent job hosting your guests. But when you lie about your marriage and take it so lightly its disrespectful to the institution of marriage and the people you care about. You may not feel this way, but your guests would as well as other Knot users.

    You can be classy about this and not trashy. And I know that sounds mean, and it may certainly not be who you are as a person overall, but you really come off that way in some of your posts. Don't your guests, the people you love, deserve better? 

    I know that you are going to continue on with the plan you have already set in motion but I just want to make it clear that the dishonesty is the major issue, not so much your celebration of your marriage. 

    afox007annathy03jdluvr06crunchymamaof2
  • edited June 2014



    After trying to read STBs posts, I think she's convinced that she's supremely interesting and deserves novels with each post.

    Maybe she's like the avatar of Special Snowflakes everywhere? IDG her big ass posts, it's a surefire way of making people not read your shit.

    Oh, y'all read them. :-)

    ****quote****

    No, I really don't wade through all of it. This is coming from someone who occasionally breaks out the entire Divine Comedy for fun.

    There's only so many repetitions of excuses one can read before giving up. If you spent half the time reflecting on how your actions negatively impact others that you spend on defending your behavior, we wouldn't have these walls of excuses.






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    perdonamiLDay2014
  • After trying to read STBs posts, I think she's convinced that she's supremely interesting and deserves novels with each post. Maybe she's like the avatar of Special Snowflakes everywhere? IDG her big ass posts, it's a surefire way of making people not read your shit.
    Oh, y'all read them. :-)
    ****quote**** No, I really don't wade through all of it. This is coming from someone who occasionally breaks out the entire Divine Comedy for fun. There's only so many repetitions of excuses one can read before giving up. If you spent half the time reflecting on how your actions negatively impact others that you spend on defending your behavior, we wouldn't have these walls of excuses.
    ditto.  I get bored two sentences into the excuses and move on to another thread.
  • KatieinBklnKatieinBkln (NO SLEEP TIL) Brooklyn! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    edited June 2014
    adk19 said:
    After trying to read STBs posts, I think she's convinced that she's supremely interesting and deserves novels with each post. Maybe she's like the avatar of Special Snowflakes everywhere? IDG her big ass posts, it's a surefire way of making people not read your shit.
    Oh, y'all read them. :-)
    ****quote**** No, I really don't wade through all of it. This is coming from someone who occasionally breaks out the entire Divine Comedy for fun. There's only so many repetitions of excuses one can read before giving up. If you spent half the time reflecting on how your actions negatively impact others that you spend on defending your behavior, we wouldn't have these walls of excuses.
    ditto.  I get bored two sentences into the excuses and move on to another thread.
    I figured it out! She must be confusing "coherent" with "lengthy."


    Edited to actually be coherent. Jesus, it's time for a drink.
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • Everything @perdonami said.  I will never *like* PPDs, but they if the couple is honest about it with ALL of their guest list, I'm kind of meh on them.  Some people can't stand it when a wife wears her wedding dress to an AHR or does a "first dance".  I think both are AWish, but it isn't flat out offensive.

    It's not being honest with your guests, and made worse by the fact that it is a destination PPD, so your guests are putting out quite a bit to go celebrate with you.  They deserve to know in advance of committing to plane tickets and resort reservations that the ceremony they'll be witnessing is not the legal one.  If a friend did this to me I would literally stop being their friend.  If they were upfront with me I may or may not decide to go, but their decision to have a DPPD wouldn't impact our friendship.
    [Deleted User]
  • After trying to read STBs posts, I think she's convinced that she's supremely interesting and deserves novels with each post. Maybe she's like the avatar of Special Snowflakes everywhere? IDG her big ass posts, it's a surefire way of making people not read your shit.
    Oh, y'all read them. :-)
    ****quote**** No, I really don't wade through all of it. This is coming from someone who occasionally breaks out the entire Divine Comedy for fun. There's only so many repetitions of excuses one can read before giving up. If you spent half the time reflecting on how your actions negatively impact others that you spend on defending your behavior, we wouldn't have these walls of excuses.
    I think there's a huge difference between a reason and an excuse. I have no need to find excuses for my behavior. I don't feel that our decisions will be negatively impacting anyone, therefore there is nothing to reflect upon. 

  • After trying to read STBs posts, I think she's convinced that she's supremely interesting and deserves novels with each post. Maybe she's like the avatar of Special Snowflakes everywhere? IDG her big ass posts, it's a surefire way of making people not read your shit.
    Oh, y'all read them. :-)
    ****quote**** No, I really don't wade through all of it. This is coming from someone who occasionally breaks out the entire Divine Comedy for fun. There's only so many repetitions of excuses one can read before giving up. If you spent half the time reflecting on how your actions negatively impact others that you spend on defending your behavior, we wouldn't have these walls of excuses.
    I think there's a huge difference between a reason and an excuse. I have no need to find excuses for my behavior. I don't feel that our decisions will be negatively impacting anyone, therefore there is nothing to reflect upon. 
    For someone who has nothing to reflect upon, you sure do spend a lot of time trying to convince of others as to why your decision isn't absolutely ridiculous and making excuses for your behavior.
    Maggie0829RebeccaB88offensivekitten2Kauris
  • kat1114 said:

    After trying to read STBs posts, I think she's convinced that she's supremely interesting and deserves novels with each post. Maybe she's like the avatar of Special Snowflakes everywhere? IDG her big ass posts, it's a surefire way of making people not read your shit.
    Oh, y'all read them. :-)
    ****quote**** No, I really don't wade through all of it. This is coming from someone who occasionally breaks out the entire Divine Comedy for fun. There's only so many repetitions of excuses one can read before giving up. If you spent half the time reflecting on how your actions negatively impact others that you spend on defending your behavior, we wouldn't have these walls of excuses.
    I think there's a huge difference between a reason and an excuse. I have no need to find excuses for my behavior. I don't feel that our decisions will be negatively impacting anyone, therefore there is nothing to reflect upon. 
    For someone who has nothing to reflect upon, you sure do spend a lot of time trying to convince of others as to why your decision isn't absolutely ridiculous and making excuses for your behavior.
    Again, a reason and an excuse isn't the same thing. An excuse would imply the person making it is looking for some form of absolution for whatever it is they're offering an excuse about. I'm not looking for anything of the sort. All too often on these boards women repeatedly state how there's no circumstances where doing what we're doing is ever acceptable. To which I disagree, obviously. Offering a different, although not popularly accepted POV, has been worth it to me based on the amount of women who have contacted me to share their stories, situations, etc., and to thank me for making them feel good about their weddings, which of course would be called a "PPD" by many. So all in all I'd say it's been worth the time it has taken me to type out so much of this!
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    kat1114 said:

    After trying to read STBs posts, I think she's convinced that she's supremely interesting and deserves novels with each post. Maybe she's like the avatar of Special Snowflakes everywhere? IDG her big ass posts, it's a surefire way of making people not read your shit.
    Oh, y'all read them. :-)
    ****quote**** No, I really don't wade through all of it. This is coming from someone who occasionally breaks out the entire Divine Comedy for fun. There's only so many repetitions of excuses one can read before giving up. If you spent half the time reflecting on how your actions negatively impact others that you spend on defending your behavior, we wouldn't have these walls of excuses.
    I think there's a huge difference between a reason and an excuse. I have no need to find excuses for my behavior. I don't feel that our decisions will be negatively impacting anyone, therefore there is nothing to reflect upon. 
    For someone who has nothing to reflect upon, you sure do spend a lot of time trying to convince of others as to why your decision isn't absolutely ridiculous and making excuses for your behavior.
    Again, a reason and an excuse isn't the same thing. An excuse would imply the person making it is looking for some form of absolution for whatever it is they're offering an excuse about. I'm not looking for anything of the sort. All too often on these boards women repeatedly state how there's no circumstances where doing what we're doing is ever acceptable. To which I disagree, obviously. Offering a different, although not popularly accepted POV, has been worth it to me based on the amount of women who have contacted me to share their stories, situations, etc., and to thank me for making them feel good about their weddings, which of course would be called a "PPD" by many. So all in all I'd say it's been worth the time it has taken me to type out so much of this!
    To the first bolded:  Agreed.  There is NO circumstance where bold face lying is acceptable.

    To the second bolded:  Lying is NOT a "point of view".  Thankfully, lying is not popular on these boards.  Congratulations on making fellow liars feel good about themselves.  I do believe it is the first time you have looked beyond your narrow and arrogant blinders.  Enjoy your membership in the liar's club.
  • MobKaz said:
    kat1114 said:

    After trying to read STBs posts, I think she's convinced that she's supremely interesting and deserves novels with each post. Maybe she's like the avatar of Special Snowflakes everywhere? IDG her big ass posts, it's a surefire way of making people not read your shit.
    Oh, y'all read them. :-)
    ****quote**** No, I really don't wade through all of it. This is coming from someone who occasionally breaks out the entire Divine Comedy for fun. There's only so many repetitions of excuses one can read before giving up. If you spent half the time reflecting on how your actions negatively impact others that you spend on defending your behavior, we wouldn't have these walls of excuses.
    I think there's a huge difference between a reason and an excuse. I have no need to find excuses for my behavior. I don't feel that our decisions will be negatively impacting anyone, therefore there is nothing to reflect upon. 
    For someone who has nothing to reflect upon, you sure do spend a lot of time trying to convince of others as to why your decision isn't absolutely ridiculous and making excuses for your behavior.
    Again, a reason and an excuse isn't the same thing. An excuse would imply the person making it is looking for some form of absolution for whatever it is they're offering an excuse about. I'm not looking for anything of the sort. All too often on these boards women repeatedly state how there's no circumstances where doing what we're doing is ever acceptable. To which I disagree, obviously. Offering a different, although not popularly accepted POV, has been worth it to me based on the amount of women who have contacted me to share their stories, situations, etc., and to thank me for making them feel good about their weddings, which of course would be called a "PPD" by many. So all in all I'd say it's been worth the time it has taken me to type out so much of this!
    To the first bolded:  Agreed.  There is NO circumstance where bold face lying is acceptable.

    To the second bolded:  Lying is NOT a "point of view".  Thankfully, lying is not popular on these boards.  Congratulations on making fellow liars feel good about themselves.  I do believe it is the first time you have looked beyond your narrow and arrogant blinders.  Enjoy your membership in the liar's club.

    Stuck in box and I don't like it!!!

    It is not the first time I have mentioned women contacting me, although there's been many more since I first brought it up. I don't need your fake congratulations. Making people feel good about themselves seems a better use of my time than making them feel badly. Or posting gifs when I run out of witty things to say. I think I would have preferred one of your lame, predictable gifs though, @mobkaz, because "Liars Club" only had the effect of a slight head shake a sad chuckle. Um, okay, I WILL enjoy my membership! Maybe if my pants catch fire they can make me the president of said club? Ooh, now I have something else to look forward to! Sweet!
  • d2vad2va member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Sooo @STBMrsEverhart‌ you were so appalled that a woman's bridesmaids were shit talking a brides choice to have a PPD and you say that you would straight up *finger snapping* tell the bride if you didn't agree on something YET you fail to even notify the people you're inviting to your fake wedding that you are already married?

    So what exactly do you think people are saying about you? Or what they will say about you when they find out?

    Are you going to never speak to them again?
  • d2va said:
    Sooo @STBMrsEverhart‌ you were so appalled that a woman's bridesmaids were shit talking a brides choice to have a PPD and you say that you would straight up *finger snapping* tell the bride if you didn't agree on something YET you fail to even notify the people you're inviting to your fake wedding that you are already married? So what exactly do you think people are saying about you? Or what they will say about you when they find out? Are you going to never speak to them again?
    Yes, I said if I disagreed with something my friend was doing that was going to involve me co-signing it, such as being a bridesmaid, yea I'd tell her, not the knick-knack store lady. 

    Not sure how that compares to what we're doing, because if someone asks what we're doing about the license we've always planned on telling them we're signing it in Colorado. The when is irrelevant as far as I'm concerned nor do I believe we owe anyone this information voluntarily.

    I mean, if asked we can't very well blurt out, "What license?! Look, a unicorn!" and take off running. But it's not anything we'd like to discuss, one way or the other. A simple "we took care of the paperwork before we left" then a subject change is all that will be necessary. 

    As for what people are saying about me? I don't spend any time pondering it. If someone's going to talk shit AND come to my wedding, that says more about them than it does me. And if they're staying home and talking shit? Let them.

    And why would I not speak to someone ever again? If that's a choice they make I'm not going to stalk them for Christ sake. We've always felt we're in the right with our choices so if someone feels otherwise that's their prerogative. 



  • I mean, if asked we can't very well blurt out, "What license?! Look, a unicorn!" and take off running. But it's not anything we'd like to discuss, one way or the other. A simple "we took care of the paperwork before we left" then a subject change is all that will be necessary. 


    So, even if you are directly asked about when you filed for your marriage license and thus became legally married, you would bean dip them? 

    That's even worse than just lying by omission.
    ashley8918
  • perdonami said:




    I mean, if asked we can't very well blurt out, "What license?! Look, a unicorn!" and take off running. But it's not anything we'd like to discuss, one way or the other. A simple "we took care of the paperwork before we left" then a subject change is all that will be necessary. 



    So, even if you are directly asked about when you filed for your marriage license and thus became legally married, you would bean dip them? 

    That's even worse than just lying by omission.


    Telling them it was already taken care of is the truth. Not wanting to discuss it further is my right, is it not? I really don't think it's going to come up tbh, it's not exactly a riveting topic.
  • perdonamiperdonami member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    edited June 2014
    perdonami said:
    Was anyone else surprised that the one with AWish qualities is in her 30s? With all the lying, ME ME ME attitude, and the "our truth" bullshit I wouldn't have guessed over like 23, so I wasn't as disgusted because I thought she was just a spoiled kid who didn't know better (still disgusted, though).  Now, holy fuck.

    And her second wedding...not that you can't have a big second wedding, I'm just surprised anyone would go to such lengths to have their vision, perfect day, etc the second time around - and at the expense of their guests while lying about the actual wedding date.

    I was way more laid back when I got remarried and far more concerned about the marriage and guests - not duping them into spending thousands on a vacation to see me get married when surprise, I already am married, but ya know - I'm not going to tell you, bc the truth will set you free or at least all the money from your wallet or some other BS I think is clever...
    This surprises you? No one gets married thinking "well, when I do it again, this is what I'm going to do...." But when life gives your lemons, pull out the vodka and get to it! This is my partner's (is this term a decent compromise for everyone?) first wedding, does he not deserve to have a wedding that is to his liking and preferences too? I'm of the belief that it's not all about the bride. I didn't come up with the plan all by myself and then dictate to everyone around us what they are going to do, where they have to be, etc. 

    We both decided we wanted a simple beach wedding. No tuxedos or suits, no ball gown, no garter tosses or flinging bouquets. We wanted a tropical beach, great music, great food, tequila and maybe some Cuban cigars. We figured out when and where we could best afford these things. Then we discussed our VIPS. We knew that there would be some people who wouldn't be able to travel either due to health or finances. When we mutually decided we still want what we want we announced our intentions. The reaction we received was more than positive and supportive from most everyone. Those we assumed wouldn't be making the trip won't be, although for different reasons than we assumed. (That's a whole 'nother story for a different board). 

    Just because I'm in my 30's having my second wedding shouldn't and doesn't mean it's not going to be everything we want it to be (within our control - I'm looking at you, weather!!) In fact, this time around it's even more so to my/our vision because I am older and wiser. I do get to pull from "if I knew then what I know now" type of experience. And we're paying for all of it, which as we all know, does make a huge difference. I don't have to worry about what my Dad thinks of us not doing things in a church I don't even believe in. I don't have to worry about bridesmaid's liking their dresses. I don't have to worry about Aunt so-and-so's feelings about insert-some-bullshit-thing-here. It's small, intimate, easy, in a location everyone who is going is psyched about, and there's no pressure on anyone for anything. 

    If I had to go through one wedding, marriage and divorce you're darned skippy if I'm getting married again, it's going to be everything we want and can afford. "Perfect" is certainly different this time around. My first wedding was 14 years ago and I planned it as a 23-year old first time bride. My expectations were sky high and looking back, the day was beautiful and wonderful BUT the pressure to pull off this big fairytale eclipsed the true meaning of the day. This time around, and with so many life changes since then, I can agree things are going to be much more laid back and about us and our commitment and relationship, not bustles, and veils and cake utensils and horse-drawn carriages. But I don't think any of this should be shocking. If a person is throwing a wedding they should be able to plan it as they see fit and enjoy the fruits of their labor. 
    To this entire epic post you made, everything you described really doesn't matter. What most folks are upset with is your dishonesty. Just tell your VIPS and everyone else coming to your celebration you are already married. 

    Its not a big deal if you are honest. Go ahead and celebrate your union with cake and overindulge on alcohol and tacos, that's fine! You sound like you are going to do an excellent job hosting your guests. But when you lie about your marriage and take it so lightly its disrespectful to the institution of marriage and the people you care about. You may not feel this way, but your guests would as well as other Knot users.

    You can be classy about this and not trashy. And I know that sounds mean, and it may certainly not be who you are as a person overall, but you really come off that way in some of your posts. Don't your guests, the people you love, deserve better? 

    I know that you are going to continue on with the plan you have already set in motion but I just want to make it clear that the dishonesty is the major issue, not so much your celebration of your marriage. 

    STBMrsEverhart I understand how you want to share a special day with your loved ones. I get that you want to celebrate your marriage with everyone in Mexico and have a lovely vacation with everyone as well. Sounds like you plan to properly host everyone and it seems like everyone will have a great time. Which you can still do and not really alter anything even if you tell your loved ones you are already married.

    I think its possible for you even to reenact vows and wear a beautiful beach appropriate dress to pay homage to your beach wedding celebration. But what I don't understand is why you can't tell your guests? Why is it so bad if you tell them that you were legally wed on this prior date and today is all about celebrating this beautiful union? What harm could that cause? 

    I am not trying to be insulting or attack your wedding celebration, I really just don't understand why you can't let your guests know when you were legally wed? You had valid reasons, surely they will understand and if they don't would you still want them there?
    @STBMrsEverhart


  • Reading these threads I was caught off guard by the term PPD. Isn't everyone putting on a white dress a bit of a "pretty princess" for the day?

    My FI and I applied for a K1 visa, so will need to be married within 90 days of him entering the country. He has been quite clear  that there's no way his immediate family would be able to save money to come to a wedding within the next 6 months.

    I've explained this is situation to friends, family, coworkers, and everyone else who asks. (People really ask me about this on a daily basis.) The conversation is always the same "Is his family going to come for the wedding?" "No they can't make it" "Well why don't you legally get married now and have the wedding later?" Occasionally people also say things such as "No one has to know" and "Why would you want to plan a wedding in 3 months anyway?" I promise in none of these conversations did I mention this idea first. EVERY SINGLE PERSON I've spoken to, has suggested we do this, including my future in laws.

    Obviously my FI and I have discussed this at length. He really would to prefer to get the legal matter out of the way and celebrate later when our families can be together. Having a ceremony and a party with his family is very important to HIM as well.

    So I totally get what @STBMrsEverhart is saying about separating the legal matter from the ceremony and I thank her for posting an alternate opinion on the boards. It's really helpful to see there are other points of view.

    I understand how this could be seen as offensive to people who are not able to be legally married. When we are married legally we will certainly take it seriously. (Although we will wait to exchange rings, change my name etc) I'm truly sorry if anyone is offending by our choices but this is just what works for us.

    I'd really hate to think any of my friends would talk about my situation behind my back when they've been encouraging me to make this choice all along. They also said I didn't have to tell them if we wanted to keep it to ourselves. Maybe I have weird friends...

    I can't imagine ever actually lying about the whole thing. I'm pretty sure everyone I've ever met and his entire home country know about our situation. We're so anxious to be together we can't shut up about it!
  • Reading these threads I was caught off guard by the term PPD. Isn't everyone putting on a white dress a bit of a "pretty princess" for the day?

    My FI and I applied for a K1 visa, so will need to be married within 90 days of him entering the country. He has been quite clear  that there's no way his immediate family would be able to save money to come to a wedding within the next 6 months.

    I've explained this is situation to friends, family, coworkers, and everyone else who asks. (People really ask me about this on a daily basis.) The conversation is always the same "Is his family going to come for the wedding?" "No they can't make it" "Well why don't you legally get married now and have the wedding later?" Occasionally people also say things such as "No one has to know" and "Why would you want to plan a wedding in 3 months anyway?" I promise in none of these conversations did I mention this idea first. EVERY SINGLE PERSON I've spoken to, has suggested we do this, including my future in laws.

    Obviously my FI and I have discussed this at length. He really would to prefer to get the legal matter out of the way and celebrate later when our families can be together. Having a ceremony and a party with his family is very important to HIM as well.

    So I totally get what @STBMrsEverhart is saying about separating the legal matter from the ceremony and I thank her for posting an alternate opinion on the boards. It's really helpful to see there are other points of view.

    I understand how this could be seen as offensive to people who are not able to be legally married. When we are married legally we will certainly take it seriously. (Although we will wait to exchange rings, change my name etc) I'm truly sorry if anyone is offending by our choices but this is just what works for us.

    I'd really hate to think any of my friends would talk about my situation behind my back when they've been encouraging me to make this choice all along. They also said I didn't have to tell them if we wanted to keep it to ourselves. Maybe I have weird friends...

    I can't imagine ever actually lying about the whole thing. I'm pretty sure everyone I've ever met and his entire home country know about our situation. We're so anxious to be together we can't shut up about it!
    This gets SLIGHTLY more of a pass because you wouldn't be lying to everyone. SLIGHTLY.  As long as you referred to each other as husband and wife and admitted you were married, it is slightly less egregious than what STB is doing.

    HOWEVER, it's still a reenactment and not appropriate.  You are an adult.  You have to decide what is more important - having him with you NOW and having his parents miss the ceremony, or waiting to have him in the states so that everyone you want to can witness the ceremony.  Being an adult sucks sometimes because we have to make hard choices.  It's part of being an adult - and why we are allowed to drink alcohol.

    If you want his parents there, then you should have a much lower key party and use some of the money you would on a dress/centerpieces/etc on assisting them in getting to the states. Or, have the ceremony now so that he can be in the states with you, with a video feed for his folks, then have a big celebration party when they can make it to the states. DO NOT redo your vows or have a first dance or any of that - but have a kick ass party, make a speech about how much you love each other and how much everyone coming to celebrate that means to you, and party down.

    The issue most have with the PPD, apart from lying, is the suggestion that getting the legal benefits of marriage isn't good enough.  If the legal benefits weren't as important as the "ceremony" you wouldn't need them - and there would be no discussion of "separating" the legal from the emotional.  Quite honestly, if you can't feel married when you are legally married just because you didn't have a party - you probably aren't mature enough (no matter your age) to get married.
    I realize by posted this I signed myself up for a virtual lynching.

    I just want to point out the assumptions in this discussion that start to become offensive.

    1. As I believe has already been mentioned, you can't reenact something you never did. If all you did in the first place is sign paperwork, exchanging vows and rings isn't reenacting anything.
     
    2. To fly over his immediate family we're talking $3000-5000. The implication that we would be spending that kind of money on centerpieces, a dress, or anything else for that matter is completely ridiculous. Flights for his family are more than our entire budget.

    3. Yes, we would be 100% married and feel married and be incredibly THANKFUL to be married if we got married in the living room with the cat as a witness. Just because we choose to have a party doesn't mean we NEED a party


    Rosebubbly
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I realize by posted this I signed myself up for a virtual lynching.

    I just want to point out the assumptions in this discussion that start to become offensive.

    1. As I believe has already been mentioned, you can't reenact something you never did. If all you did in the first place is sign paperwork, exchanging vows and rings isn't reenacting anything.
     
    2. To fly over his immediate family we're talking $3000-5000. The implication that we would be spending that kind of money on centerpieces, a dress, or anything else for that matter is completely ridiculous. Flights for his family are more than our entire budget.

    3. Yes, we would be 100% married and feel married and be incredibly THANKFUL to be married if we got married in the living room with the cat as a witness. Just because we choose to have a party doesn't mean we NEED a party


    Then why not just make it a party to celebrate the fact that you got married? Why pretend it is a wedding when you are already married?? You contradict yourself there.

    It doesn't matter if you didn't exchange rings or read the 5 page long poem you wrote as vows - you are still married.  Whether you had what you consider a "ceremony" or not - that part is done.  You cannot have a "wedding ceremony" if you are already married.  That is the point the ladies on this thread and others are trying to make.  it doesn't matter if you say different things on the PPD day than you said the day you were actually wed - it is still a reenactment because you are pretending to get married even though you are already married. THAT is the point.

    Want a party? AWESOME! Have a party. I LOOOOVE parties.  I throw them because Odin's Ravens are in the 2nd house of Cthulhu and because it's the first Tuesday in June.  Parties ROCK!  But you cannot have a WEDDING if you are already WED.  You can have a kick ass party, with dancing and booze and cake and all around awesomeness.  But you cannot be married if you are already married.
    So much yes to the bolded.  A wedding is a verb.  The wedding of two people.  Two people become wed.  If you are already wed, you cannot be wedded again.

    But I also have no problem with a low-key ceremony now, and a big party later.  Just call it a celebration of your marriage, and don't have a ceremony.  You can't have another wedding to the same person unless you get divorced in the meantime.  But can you have an awesome party?  Hell yeah!

    @princesssilver You obviously have legitimate reasons for getting married sooner rather than later, and kudos for not lying to your guests.  Just realize you'll get some serious side-eye if you call your celebration a wedding when it isn't.  That's all we're saying.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    ashley8918perdonami
  • saacjwsaacjw member
    500 Comments 100 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Reading these threads I was caught off guard by the term PPD. Isn't everyone putting on a white dress a bit of a "pretty princess" for the day?

    My FI and I applied for a K1 visa, so will need to be married within 90 days of him entering the country. He has been quite clear  that there's no way his immediate family would be able to save money to come to a wedding within the next 6 months.

    I've explained this is situation to friends, family, coworkers, and everyone else who asks. (People really ask me about this on a daily basis.) The conversation is always the same "Is his family going to come for the wedding?" "No they can't make it" "Well why don't you legally get married now and have the wedding later?" Occasionally people also say things such as "No one has to know" and "Why would you want to plan a wedding in 3 months anyway?" I promise in none of these conversations did I mention this idea first. EVERY SINGLE PERSON I've spoken to, has suggested we do this, including my future in laws.

    Obviously my FI and I have discussed this at length. He really would to prefer to get the legal matter out of the way and celebrate later when our families can be together. Having a ceremony and a party with his family is very important to HIM as well.

    So I totally get what @STBMrsEverhart is saying about separating the legal matter from the ceremony and I thank her for posting an alternate opinion on the boards. It's really helpful to see there are other points of view.

    I understand how this could be seen as offensive to people who are not able to be legally married. When we are married legally we will certainly take it seriously. (Although we will wait to exchange rings, change my name etc) I'm truly sorry if anyone is offending by our choices but this is just what works for us.

    I'd really hate to think any of my friends would talk about my situation behind my back when they've been encouraging me to make this choice all along. They also said I didn't have to tell them if we wanted to keep it to ourselves. Maybe I have weird friends...

    I can't imagine ever actually lying about the whole thing. I'm pretty sure everyone I've ever met and his entire home country know about our situation. We're so anxious to be together we can't shut up about it!
    This gets SLIGHTLY more of a pass because you wouldn't be lying to everyone. SLIGHTLY.  As long as you referred to each other as husband and wife and admitted you were married, it is slightly less egregious than what STB is doing.

    HOWEVER, it's still a reenactment and not appropriate.  You are an adult.  You have to decide what is more important - having him with you NOW and having his parents miss the ceremony, or waiting to have him in the states so that everyone you want to can witness the ceremony.  Being an adult sucks sometimes because we have to make hard choices.  It's part of being an adult - and why we are allowed to drink alcohol.

    If you want his parents there, then you should have a much lower key party and use some of the money you would on a dress/centerpieces/etc on assisting them in getting to the states. Or, have the ceremony now so that he can be in the states with you, with a video feed for his folks, then have a big celebration party when they can make it to the states. DO NOT redo your vows or have a first dance or any of that - but have a kick ass party, make a speech about how much you love each other and how much everyone coming to celebrate that means to you, and party down.

    The issue most have with the PPD, apart from lying, is the suggestion that getting the legal benefits of marriage isn't good enough.  If the legal benefits weren't as important as the "ceremony" you wouldn't need them - and there would be no discussion of "separating" the legal from the emotional.  Quite honestly, if you can't feel married when you are legally married just because you didn't have a party - you probably aren't mature enough (no matter your age) to get married.
    I also give this a bit more of a pass, my best friend did exactly this for exactly the same reasons. That being said, I actually attended her wedding, not just the reenactment later, it was more than signing the paperwork. At least in our state, in order to be legally married, there has to be some sort of officiant declaring the marriage valid. There are vows (small ones) and there can be an exchange of rings (they had temporary rings and got more durable ones for the reenactment). The only difference between my big blow out church wedding and her small courthouse one was that mine had a bunch of added church stuff and hers took 10 minutes while mine took an hour. Both of our officiants had to say a list of vows, confirm that we were getting married of our own free will, and declare us married. It is more than signing a piece of paper. 

    PS- While I give PPDs a bit more of a pass than other people here, especially for things like immigration, I will say that a lot of people who attended my friend's PPD were really annoyed that they weren't there to actually see her get married. It was a great party, but I definitely heard some people question why they were doing it. This was before I ever joined TK and didn't realize that it was such a common frustration until I came here. 
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  • saacjw said:

    PS- While I give PPDs a bit more of a pass than other people here, especially for things like immigration, I will say that a lot of people who attended my friend's PPD were really annoyed that they weren't there to actually see her get married. It was a great party, but I definitely heard some people question why they were doing it. This was before I ever joined TK and didn't realize that it was such a common frustration until I came here. 
    The bolded is why it is rude and hurtful. But, when you are honest with your guests its not nearly as bad. I think its wonderful when people want to celebrate their love together with those who are close to them. No one ever said you couldn't have a wonderful celebration of that love (and you should!). 

    Besides, a lot of the traditions involved in weddings are kind of annoying to the guests attending anyway. Example: forcing single ladies to stand for a bouquet toss or the questionable garter toss. 
  • @STBMrsEverhart‌ I admit I didnt read every single word of this thread because there was too much nonsense but I have to ask you something. You say you were legally married in CO sooner than you expected for insurance purposes correct?
    So if your H was sick (and I wouldnt wish that on anyone so I hope he is well) and the insurance company was disputing coverage some some reason or other, what would you say to them if they asked if you were married? Would you so yes and finally admit that you are indeed husband and wife? If so then you DO truly believe you are married when it is convenient for you to believe it.
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  • @STBMrsEverhart‌ I admit I didnt read every single word of this thread because there was too much nonsense but I have to ask you something. You say you were legally married in CO sooner than you expected for insurance purposes correct? So if your H was sick (and I wouldnt wish that on anyone so I hope he is well) and the insurance company was disputing coverage some some reason or other, what would you say to them if they asked if you were married? Would you so yes and finally admit that you are indeed husband and wife? If so then you DO truly believe you are married when it is convenient for you to believe it.
    I'm having a hard time following the logic in your question. Obviously the insurance company knows our legal standing, since we took care of the paperwork when we did for the sole purpose of putting him on my insurance in the first place. (Only to find out later the HR lady was wrong and we could have added him without being legally married). So I can't really see this coming up for dispute. Otherwise we would have done our paperwork the day before leaving, as was the plan since early on (when we decided we weren't going to go along with the expense and inconvenience of legal marriage in MX). 

    I imagine you came up with that hypothetical to support your hypothesis of: see, you really do believe it at your convenience. I'm not completely out of my mind, I'm aware of our legal standing. I'm also aware that neither of us wants to make the change in status public until our wedding. That trumps our comprehension of what the government classifies us as. It also determines how we view our relationship, what we call each other, how we refer to each other, all of it. It's absolutely nuts some days the order in which we've done things (starting with the non-proposal engagement) and all we can do is shake our heads and chuckle at this point. It'll be a thing of our past very, very soon. 
  • I know that you had to file the paperwork to put your H on your insurance (despite later finding out you didnt have.) I was just presenting you with the hypothetical situation of the company calling to confirm that you are married to see if you felt it was ok to call him H when it benefits you even if you dont "feel married"
    I think if you feel so strongly that you dont consider yourself married, then in a situation where the legality of your marriage would be question as in the scenario above, you should tell them no you are not married since in all other aspects you dont feel you are.
    I never said you are delusional I just think you are picking and choosing when you feel you are married and when you are not.
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    KaurisJCbride2015
  • I know that you had to file the paperwork to put your H on your insurance (despite later finding out you didnt have.) I was just presenting you with the hypothetical situation of the company calling to confirm that you are married to see if you felt it was ok to call him H when it benefits you even if you dont "feel married" I think if you feel so strongly that you dont consider yourself married, then in a situation where the legality of your marriage would be question as in the scenario above, you should tell them no you are not married since in all other aspects you dont feel you are. I never said you are delusional I just think you are picking and choosing when you feel you are married and when you are not.
    Life is plenty complicated without pondering far-fetched hypotheticals. Should the legality of our legal marital status come in to question in the next three months I guess I'll have to cross that bridge as I get to it. But since I'm banking on this situation being pretty smooth sailing from here on out, I'm hoping we coast over the finish line and life goes on, happily ever after.
  • perdonami said:
    saacjw said:

    PS- While I give PPDs a bit more of a pass than other people here, especially for things like immigration, I will say that a lot of people who attended my friend's PPD were really annoyed that they weren't there to actually see her get married. It was a great party, but I definitely heard some people question why they were doing it. This was before I ever joined TK and didn't realize that it was such a common frustration until I came here. 
    The bolded is why it is rude and hurtful. But, when you are honest with your guests its not nearly as bad. I think its wonderful when people want to celebrate their love together with those who are close to them. No one ever said you couldn't have a wonderful celebration of that love (and you should!). 

    Besides, a lot of the traditions involved in weddings are kind of annoying to the guests attending anyway. Example: forcing single ladies to stand for a bouquet toss or the questionable garter toss. 
    The bolded above is the part that surprised me about our friends and families reactions. Since they've all been suggesting we do this the whole time, I can't imagine them suddenly being upset and annoyed...

    I could understand them suggested this to spare my feelings if I was ever super into having a wedding myself, but that's not be at all. We're planning a quick vow renewal followed by lots of food, drink, music, karaoke, and cupcakes. My father passed away 2 years ago and I have exactly 2 single friends so spotlight dances and bouquet tosses are completely out of the question. (Not that I would ever do
    saacjw said:
    Reading these threads I was caught off guard by the term PPD. Isn't everyone putting on a white dress a bit of a "pretty princess" for the day?

    My FI and I applied for a K1 visa, so will need to be married within 90 days of him entering the country. He has been quite clear  that there's no way his immediate family would be able to save money to come to a wedding within the next 6 months.

    I've explained this is situation to friends, family, coworkers, and everyone else who asks. (People really ask me about this on a daily basis.) The conversation is always the same "Is his family going to come for the wedding?" "No they can't make it" "Well why don't you legally get married now and have the wedding later?" Occasionally people also say things such as "No one has to know" and "Why would you want to plan a wedding in 3 months anyway?" I promise in none of these conversations did I mention this idea first. EVERY SINGLE PERSON I've spoken to, has suggested we do this, including my future in laws.

    Obviously my FI and I have discussed this at length. He really would to prefer to get the legal matter out of the way and celebrate later when our families can be together. Having a ceremony and a party with his family is very important to HIM as well.

    So I totally get what @STBMrsEverhart is saying about separating the legal matter from the ceremony and I thank her for posting an alternate opinion on the boards. It's really helpful to see there are other points of view.

    I understand how this could be seen as offensive to people who are not able to be legally married. When we are married legally we will certainly take it seriously. (Although we will wait to exchange rings, change my name etc) I'm truly sorry if anyone is offending by our choices but this is just what works for us.

    I'd really hate to think any of my friends would talk about my situation behind my back when they've been encouraging me to make this choice all along. They also said I didn't have to tell them if we wanted to keep it to ourselves. Maybe I have weird friends...

    I can't imagine ever actually lying about the whole thing. I'm pretty sure everyone I've ever met and his entire home country know about our situation. We're so anxious to be together we can't shut up about it!
    This gets SLIGHTLY more of a pass because you wouldn't be lying to everyone. SLIGHTLY.  As long as you referred to each other as husband and wife and admitted you were married, it is slightly less egregious than what STB is doing.

    HOWEVER, it's still a reenactment and not appropriate.  You are an adult.  You have to decide what is more important - having him with you NOW and having his parents miss the ceremony, or waiting to have him in the states so that everyone you want to can witness the ceremony.  Being an adult sucks sometimes because we have to make hard choices.  It's part of being an adult - and why we are allowed to drink alcohol.

    If you want his parents there, then you should have a much lower key party and use some of the money you would on a dress/centerpieces/etc on assisting them in getting to the states. Or, have the ceremony now so that he can be in the states with you, with a video feed for his folks, then have a big celebration party when they can make it to the states. DO NOT redo your vows or have a first dance or any of that - but have a kick ass party, make a speech about how much you love each other and how much everyone coming to celebrate that means to you, and party down.

    The issue most have with the PPD, apart from lying, is the suggestion that getting the legal benefits of marriage isn't good enough.  If the legal benefits weren't as important as the "ceremony" you wouldn't need them - and there would be no discussion of "separating" the legal from the emotional.  Quite honestly, if you can't feel married when you are legally married just because you didn't have a party - you probably aren't mature enough (no matter your age) to get married.
    I also give this a bit more of a pass, my best friend did exactly this for exactly the same reasons. That being said, I actually attended her wedding, not just the reenactment later, it was more than signing the paperwork. At least in our state, in order to be legally married, there has to be some sort of officiant declaring the marriage valid. There are vows (small ones) and there can be an exchange of rings (they had temporary rings and got more durable ones for the reenactment). The only difference between my big blow out church wedding and her small courthouse one was that mine had a bunch of added church stuff and hers took 10 minutes while mine took an hour. Both of our officiants had to say a list of vows, confirm that we were getting married of our own free will, and declare us married. It is more than signing a piece of paper. 

    PS- While I give PPDs a bit more of a pass than other people here, especially for things like immigration, I will say that a lot of people who attended my friend's PPD were really annoyed that they weren't there to actually see her get married. It was a great party, but I definitely heard some people question why they were doing it. This was before I ever joined TK and didn't realize that it was such a common frustration until I came here. 
    The bolded above was my original point. Since they've all been suggesting we do this the whole time, I can't imagine them suddenly being upset and annoyed...

    I could understand them suggesting this to spare my feelings if I was ever super into having a wedding myself, but that's not me at all. We're planning a quick vow renewal followed by lots of food, drink, music, karaoke, and cupcakes. My father passed away 2 years ago and I have exactly 2 single friends so spotlight dances and bouquet tosses are completely out of the question. (Not that I would ever do that in the first place)
  • NYCBruin said:



    I know that you had to file the paperwork to put your H on your insurance (despite later finding out you didnt have.) I was just presenting you with the hypothetical situation of the company calling to confirm that you are married to see if you felt it was ok to call him H when it benefits you even if you dont "feel married"
    I think if you feel so strongly that you dont consider yourself married, then in a situation where the legality of your marriage would be question as in the scenario above, you should tell them no you are not married since in all other aspects you dont feel you are.
    I never said you are delusional I just think you are picking and choosing when you feel you are married and when you are not.

    Life is plenty complicated without pondering far-fetched hypotheticals. Should the legality of our legal marital status come in to question in the next three months I guess I'll have to cross that bridge as I get to it. But since I'm banking on this situation being pretty smooth sailing from here on out, I'm hoping we coast over the finish line and life goes on, happily ever after.
    ----------




    This isn't such a far fetched hypothetical. If your husband were in the hospital for any reason, the hospital staff would ask you if you were married if you wanted to visit during certain hours. How fortunate for you that this idea is just a "far-fetched hypothetical" but try to remember that these "far fetched hypotheticals" are what keep far too many Americans awake at night because they have no legal right to visit the person they love in the hospital because they happen to have the same genitals.




    Over the years we've both been hospitalized. Never once have either of us been asked what our relation to the other was. I'm sure it was assumed we were married by hospital staff, which isn't appropriate but the way it is. And truthfully, I'd love for things to be different for same-sex couples in all 50 states. But my feelings about my relationship, married or otherwise, will not change that. So yes, the questioning of the legality of a legal document that was processed in accordance with the law between now and September, while perhaps not far-fetched is highly, highly unlikely.

  • I know that you had to file the paperwork to put your H on your insurance (despite later finding out you didnt have.) I was just presenting you with the hypothetical situation of the company calling to confirm that you are married to see if you felt it was ok to call him H when it benefits you even if you dont "feel married" I think if you feel so strongly that you dont consider yourself married, then in a situation where the legality of your marriage would be question as in the scenario above, you should tell them no you are not married since in all other aspects you dont feel you are. I never said you are delusional I just think you are picking and choosing when you feel you are married and when you are not.
    Life is plenty complicated without pondering far-fetched hypotheticals. Should the legality of our legal marital status come in to question in the next three months I guess I'll have to cross that bridge as I get to it. But since I'm banking on this situation being pretty smooth sailing from here on out, I'm hoping we coast over the finish line and life goes on, happily ever after.
    ---------- This isn't such a far fetched hypothetical. If your husband were in the hospital for any reason, the hospital staff would ask you if you were married if you wanted to visit during certain hours. How fortunate for you that this idea is just a "far-fetched hypothetical" but try to remember that these "far fetched hypotheticals" are what keep far too many Americans awake at night because they have no legal right to visit the person they love in the hospital because they happen to have the same genitals.
    Over the years we've both been hospitalized. Never once have either of us been asked what our relation to the other was. I'm sure it was assumed we were married by hospital staff, which isn't appropriate but the way it is. And truthfully, I'd love for things to be different for same-sex couples in all 50 states. But my feelings about my relationship, married or otherwise, will not change that. So yes, the questioning of the legality of a legal document that was processed in accordance with the law between now and September, while perhaps not far-fetched is highly, highly unlikely.
    I find this hard to believe.  FI and I get asked if we are married for various reasons probably about once a week.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    ashley8918
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