Wedding Etiquette Forum

The Money Talk Update in comments

mmoss042515mmoss042515 member
First Comment
edited June 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum

Hello!

I am new and am looking forward to planning my wedding! My fiance and I are planning our wedding for April 2015 and just started the process.

 

My dad called last night and said that he wants to get together and "talk money" for the wedding. He and my mom paid for my sister's wedding. I think they spent about 40k on her wedding. He said that he wants me to think about a budget that would be resonable considering the type of wedding I want.

 

My question is, is it fair for me to assume that I will recieve 40k as well? Is this a good budget for a wedding? My best friend got married last year and they spent 60k on the wedding. I just don't think that I could plan the wedding of my dreams for less than 30k. Should I tell my dad 30k? Or should I give us wiggle room and ask for 40k?

 

Thanks!

«134

Re: The Money Talk Update in comments

  • Hello!

    I am new and am looking forward to planning my wedding! My fiance and I are planning our wedding for April 2015 and just started the process.

     

    My dad called last night and said that he wants to get together and "talk money" for the wedding. He and my mom paid for my sister's wedding. I think they spent about 40k on her wedding. He said that he wants me to think about a budget that would be resonable considering the type of wedding I want.

     

    My question is, is it fair for me to assume that I will recieve 40k as well? Is this a good budget for a wedding? My best friend got married last year and they spent 60k on the wedding. I just don't think that I could plan the wedding of my dreams for less than 30k. Should I tell my dad 30k? Or should I give us wiggle room and ask for 40k?

     

    Thanks!

    Life is not fair, so I would argue that it's not necessarily safe or fair to assume that they'll give you the same amount they gave your sister, although parents do often try to be fair monetarily regarding their children.

    No one other than you and your FI is responsible for paying for your wedding. Anything your parents offer beyond that is icing on the cake for you.

    As far as is $40K a good budget -- that depends. Our wedding was less than $8K. Other brides here are spending $40K, $50K, $60K and up. It depends on your area, guest list, and expectations.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    casey8784kitty8403
  • blabla89blabla89 Atlanta member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2014
    I wouldn't feel comfortable asking for any specific amount, or expecting money at all. I would see what your parents offer and plan the wedding within that budget.

    ETA: You can have a perfectly lovely wedding for less than $30k. Many of the ladies on this board have done it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker



  • First, your budget depends on where you live. To me 40k seems like a lot, but I'm having a small town 10k wedding.

    Second, you don't ask for any specific amount. Whatever your parents are willing to contribute, you graciously accept. After that, it's up to you and your FI to come up with the funds for your "dream" wedding. Your parents might be a little bit tight after your sister's wedding. Can't say I blame them.

    The knot has a great budgeting tool. Once you find out how much your parents are willing to contribute, decide how much you can afford to spend and there's your budget. You can put that amount into the budgeting tool and it will lay out how much to spend on everything.
    blabla89PrettyGirlLostperdonami
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    I agree with PPs. Budget is completely subjective. My mother is (very graciously) paying for our wedding. Our overall budget (not including my dress which I am paying for) will come in at 12k. This 12k is giving FI and I the wedding of our dreams. So, yes, it can be done.

     

    Your dad needs to give you a number not the other way around.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    PrettyGirlLostperdonami
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    When you and your Dad speak you should tell him that he needs to determine the number not you and that you will graciously accept whatever amount he wants to give. As far as the budget goes it really depends on where you live and what you want in a wedding. $30K in my area (Baltimore, MD) is about the average cost and we spent close to that 3 years ago. Can you do it for less? Sure. Can you do it for more? Of course. But it comes down to what you want, how lavish you want your wedding to be and how much you research vendors and how good of a negotiator you are when it comes to quotes.

    casey8784chibiyuiPrettyGirlLost
  • If your dad doesn't want to or can't give you $30K, you can ... make up the difference with your own money. Or just plan to pay for the whole thing yourself! 

    What PPs said. Don't ask for a particular sum; don't assume you'll get the same as your sister; and accept whatever it is graciously. It's very generous of your parents to offer.
    grumbledore
  • Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.
  • Marzipan13Marzipan13 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2014
    Not all parents can or will pay for their child's wedding, so right off the bat, this is very generous of him / them.
    As PPs said, you can definitely do a wedding for 30k or less - that isn't unheard of, and certainly isn't "cheap". I understand that your dad wants to talk about monetary numbers, but I think you should get some ballpark figures for him first - he'll decide what he wants to contribute (if anything), not you.
    That being said, if he doesn't give you the exact amount you expected... that's just too bad. I would not overestimate costs just to get more out of him - even if he DID give you 30-40k (or nothing!), you & FI could definitely still contribute money of your own. Overestimating to get more would also be very rude & selfish.

    ETF: paragraphs aren't working today 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Mr. Bean Flipping the Bird
    PrettyGirlLostTerriHugg
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    That much money sounds like an awful lot to me. If I found that my "dream wedding" costs more than my parents are willing to pay (assuming they even offered), then I'd feel obligated to accept that my "dream wedding" isn't possible and look for options that fit within the budget available. And I'd be very grateful for whatever I got. That said, I'd ask your dad to name the amount he's willing to contribute and pay for anything above that.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.
    And to add to my post from above.  The reason our wedding was close to $30K was because my parents generously paid for it.  If H and I had to pay for our wedding it would have been a completely different story with a very tiny budget and no HM, especially since we had just bought a house soon after we got engaged so our savings had already taken a hit.

    Stop watching David Tutera and open your eyes to the world of reality.

    PrettyGirlLostgrumbledore[Deleted User]
  • edited June 2014
    Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.
    I can't speak for the other ladies, but my DH and I paid for our own wedding. We had it for under $15k, and our guests were hosted well.
    We did appetizers and beer, wine, soda bar for 144 people at $50/pp during a non-meal time. (There was no fee to rent the space since we met their Saturday afternoon minimum of $5000.This, I realize is heaving dependent on your area. Yay Midwest prices!)
    Our cake was about $700.
    My dress was on sale for $400 and DH's tux rental was free.
    Our photographer was $2000 including albums and prints.
    The flowers for the ceremony and reception were $2000 and the florist was our organist for the ceremony.
    Favors were personalized fortune cookies and the total for everyone was $200.
    There was no fee for the church and my uncle officiated.
    My inlaws were nice enough to pay for the rehearsal dinner.
    We got each attendant and parents a personalized gift and spent approximately $700 total.

    The cost of your wedding is all about your expectations. You can do cake and punch in a local park for less than $500. If you have convinced yourself that you must have an evening reception, there must be a plated meal, and that you must get a certain designer dress, then yes, it does add up quickly. A wedding under $30k can easily be done if you are willing to challenge your own assumptions about what you need to have a happy wedding day.
    Wheaton's Law: Don't be a dick.
    LDay2014
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    My wedding must have sucked. It was so cheap and tacky.
    grumbledore
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    annathy03 said:
    Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.
    As someone whose budget was in the $30-$40k range with a portion of that budget generously contributed by my mother, you do know how this sounds right?

    The median income in the US is only around 50k, BEFORE tax.  So most people can't throw that kind of cash around for a party.  If your dad has and wants to contribute that much, then great, but to ask him for such a number is extremely rude and entitled.  You should ask him what he wants to contribute, and go from there.  Perhaps look at a few venues in different price ranges and get quotes so he can see what the options are for the guest list you'd all like.
    Yeapppp my feelers were right the first time.  OP, you sound really privileged and bratty.  You can't help that you have a generous father and that's awesome.  But the vast majority of people in this country can't even dream of a $30k wedding.  Your comments make you sound like you just can't fathom that people exist who don't live in the lap of luxury like you apparently do.

    And if you've now decided that you are gonna ask your dad for $50k anyway... what was the point of your original post?  I initially agreed with you that it was strange for your dad to not give you a number.  That decision of how much to gift is up to him; he shouldn't put you in that situation, nor should you be rude and request a certain amount of money.

    Only because it seem relevant to checking the reality of your situation: Fi and I will be spending about $30k of our own money on our wedding.  No help from parents (grandma gave me my dress).  It's taking us 2.5 years engagement, and me graduating from law school and working 80 hour weeks, to save that money.  We would love to be married now, but recognize that if we want the big evening reception, we have to wait and save, like responsible adults.  Please don't take for granted that so much money could just fall into your lap.  Be grateful to your dad and realize you are very lucky.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    PrettyGirlLostshoebunnieperdonami
  • Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.
    Congratulations on sounding like a spoiled brat and being incredibly rude to the thousands of couples who have lovely weddings for far less than 15k every year all at the same time.

    If your dad is as offended by your entitled attitude as I am and tells you he doesn't want to give you any money, I hope you're ready to apologize because you could probably use the help of the ladies on this board who planned amazing weddings on a smaller budget that they financed themselves.
    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
    ashley8918PrettyGirlLostgrumbledore
  • Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.


    My wedding was lovely thank you and cost me and my husband $5,500 in total including our honeymoon. We had about 50-60 people attending.

    My dress was $500, alterations were 300

    Our church was $250 for the sanctuary, $200 for our pastor and $100 for the AV person.

    Caterer $800

    Bridal cake $200, Groom's cake $70

    Flowers $500 for bouquets, bouts, and corsages

    Flowers for our center pieces grew on our property.

    I know I live in a small town in the middle of Texas so prices are not the same as the NE or West Coast. But you can have a beautiful wedding for less than $30K. Be gracious when your parents offer you any amount of money to put toward your wedding.

     *Formerly ctexasgurl26 and mrsridings061513*

    imageimageimage

      Anniversary
    Baby William born June 11, 2014 Weighing 6 lbs 5 oz and 17.5 inches long

    image

    PrettyGirlLost
  • annathy03 said:
    Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.
    As someone whose budget was in the $30-$40k range with a portion of that budget generously contributed by my mother, you do know how this sounds right?

    The median income in the US is only around 50k, BEFORE tax.  So most people can't throw that kind of cash around for a party.  If your dad has and wants to contribute that much, then great, but to ask him for such a number is extremely rude and entitled.  You should ask him what he wants to contribute, and go from there.  Perhaps look at a few venues in different price ranges and get quotes so he can see what the options are for the guest list you'd all like.


    Clearly, based on her shitty response, she has no concept of how that sounds.  What it really sounds like was:   "OMG!!!  I don't know how you planned a wedding for under $15k!!  Your weddings must have totally sucked!!!!!!!"

    I stand by my previous post.  Entitled brat.  

    Yep.  There's nothing wrong with having generous parents, but FFS be grateful about it!  She'll probably be complaining in a few months that dear dad wants to invite people to HER wedding.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • ...I never said that anyone's wedding was cheap or tacky. I'm sorry if it came across that way. I don't think that name calling was very nice...
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    annathy03 said:
    annathy03 said:
    Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.
    As someone whose budget was in the $30-$40k range with a portion of that budget generously contributed by my mother, you do know how this sounds right?

    The median income in the US is only around 50k, BEFORE tax.  So most people can't throw that kind of cash around for a party.  If your dad has and wants to contribute that much, then great, but to ask him for such a number is extremely rude and entitled.  You should ask him what he wants to contribute, and go from there.  Perhaps look at a few venues in different price ranges and get quotes so he can see what the options are for the guest list you'd all like.


    Clearly, based on her shitty response, she has no concept of how that sounds.  What it really sounds like was:   "OMG!!!  I don't know how you planned a wedding for under $15k!!  Your weddings must have totally sucked!!!!!!!"

    I stand by my previous post.  Entitled brat.  

    Yep.  There's nothing wrong with having generous parents, but FFS be grateful about it!  She'll probably be complaining in a few months that dear dad wants to invite people to HER wedding.
    All of this.  Also she will probably be the type of person to spend all of the money just because she can, not because she really wants to or needs to.

  • I just cannot fathom spending more than $15K on a wedding... my brain can't wrap around it. If my father were to offer me $40K, it would be going towards a house. Immediately. Where I would then probably throw a backyard wedding. We haven't started planing in earnest yet, but it's looking like it will be around $10K for ours, and that makes me uncomfortable... and the reason it is so high is because we want to have supremely awesome food and drink for our guests - our guests are our first priority.
    My reaction to most everything on the internet today:
    image
    ashley8918perdonami[Deleted User]
  • So many unfair assumptions being made!
  • Wow I don't know how some of you planned a wedding for under 15k! You must have had to skip a ton of corners. I am thinking that I will over estimate and give him a number of 50k that way I have plenty of wiggle room.

    And with this, I call troll rolling around in the MUD
    Blue_BirdgrumbledoreMairePoppy
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards